Dear Little Auntie

My Parents Want Me to Date

2012-02-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

Alhamdillah, I'm a Muslimah who was very far from Islam but came back to it a few years ago, from Allah's mercy. The thing is, my family is very liberal and they believe that my 'islam' is too strict. Recently a friend of mine told me that she knows a good brother who is interested in marriage. I know though that my parents would never accept me marrying the person without 'knowing them' and having a relationship. They want me to date and 'go out' with the person. I'm worried that if I tell them about the brother, they would just refuse or worse, tell the brother that we should date (he's very practicing). I'm lost.
Need some help!

Dear Need Some Help,

Alhamdillah that you have come back to Islam and are trying to follow it correctly. May Allah make your heart firm and keep us all guided :D

As for your situation, it sucks that your parents believe that you should be all "going out/ dating" and that kinda thing.....

My advice would be this:

Tackle the easier parent first. If it's your mom, take her out to dinner/ and then bring up the topic casually.
Just say that you've heard about a really good person who might be contacting them soon about marriage. You have a mutual 'friend' or you know their relative and you have a lot of good reasons to believe that you and this guy could really get along well (you seem quite compatible)...List a few reasons why you think so (e.g. you have similar educational backgrounds/ etc. he comes from a respectable family/ and finally religious views).....

Then, using your oh, so, sweet, baby girl voice ask: "Would it be possible to invite this person over to the house for a casual dinner/ tea/ so that you can get to know the person more, with your family present?" {In the event that the person does contact your daddy and really is interested in marriage}

If she tells you "Why don't you go out a few times or date", you need to first say that you agree that you need to "know the person before you go and marry them" but your way of knowing the person is a little different.

Tell your parents that you don't want to be 'won over by a person's charm or witty remarks' but instead want a casual setting where both families can make sure that the person is compatible, shares the same values and priorities. You're not looking for a time waster and at the same time you don't want to waste his time, either....so rather than you chatting endlessly with him for months to find out his life plan, what his goals are, how he plans to afford marriage, what his views are on Islam, politics, etc. you'd rather just invite him to your house and give both of you the opportunity to ask the serious questions. It will make things a lot easier for you to ask tough questions...

Besides, you " value your father's opinion (your wali :D)" and would like to know what he thinks of him...you want your father to share with you in your decision of who you will marry (Of course this is all blah blah...but it's to convince him to let you meet the suitor with 'a mahrem' present). What's the harm of inviting the family over a few times? Isn't it better for both families to be involved right from the beginning?

You can also explain to your parents that when you invite the person over, you learn a lot of things about them, like if they are stingy or generous (bringing gifts)..If they are punctual or lay back.

By the way, before talking to your parents, it would be a good idea to do an "internet search"/ "facebook search" of the suitor. Tell your parents that you have gotten to know some information about him: what he likes this and the kinds of friends he has .....You guys actually share a LOT in common, like you listen to the same Sheikhs/ etc.

And finally, make lots of DUA!

Oh and relax, hunny! I know how difficult and worried you might be now, but just remember that Shaitan is trying to make you fall into despair. Everything is possible with Allah and Allah will never abandon someone who is trying to follow His way. Give your parents a chance...they might just welcome the idea :D

Lots of love,
May Allah give you what is best for you and who is best for your deen,

All Girls' Parties

2012-02-04T22:23:00.000-08:00

Assalmu alaykum,

Alhamdullah, recently through the mercy of Allah (s.w.t) I have stop listening to music and over socializing with friends so that I don't fall in to gossip and started eating meat that are slaughtered by only Muslims. I live in the west so we have some people (I used to be once from these people) who eat meat that are not slaughtered by Muslim because they say that it is slaughtered by the people of the book. But we really don't know if it was slaughtered by the people of the book and also in the west most of the non Muslim butcher places shoot the animal first before slaughtering or they slaughter them in very inhumane ways which is totally against Islam. So just to be safe I decided to stay away from meat slaughtered by non Muslims so that I can become closer to Allah (s.w.t). Alahmdullah, I don't even find it difficult anymore and it has been more than a year. In addition, I am really careful with what I eat outside since I live in the west with food labels and making sure they do not contain Alcohol, pork or other animals (slaughtered by non Muslims). However, whenever there are Muslim girls party I just don't know what to do because the parties are potluck and I am not comfortable with the food brought because not everyone is really careful about reading labels and meat slaughtered my non Muslim. In addition, there is music which I don't feel comfortable because I am trying to quit it. Furthermore, girls usually take pix in the party with friends and even if you avoid the pix sometime you end up accidentally being in the back ground of a pix. I wear Hijab so I don't want to go through that. So from now onward, I want to wear modest outfit with my hijab to the parties but I am really scared I will be made fun of since it is all girls party. What should I do about my fear of being made fun of? What should I do about food, Music in these parties? Should I stop going to girls parties, If yes what should I say when I get invited.
May Allah (s.w.t) reward you guys for all you efforts inshAllah. Ameen. --Confused Sister

Wa'alaikumussalam wa rahmatullah! :D

Alhamdulillah, it's great that you've stopped listening to music and are trying to live according to the sunnah! May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and guide us all. Ameen!

I completely understand your concerns. I'd feel the same way if I were in your shoes. :/ I'd be like, "Uhhhh, what do I do now?" Well, let's see what we can do in situations such as these...

The Messenger of Allāh (sallallu 'alaihi wa sallam) said,

“Leave what puts you in doubt in favor of what does not” (Sunan al-Tirmidhī),

“What is lawful is clear, and what is unlawful is clear. And in betweenthe two are doubtful matters [whose rulings] many people do not know. He who guards against thedoubtful safeguards his religion and honor, and he who falls into the doubtful falls into the unlawful,just as a shepherd who grazes his flock around a preserve will likely soon graze them in it. Indeed, everyking has a preserve, and the preserve of Allāh are the things he has declared unlawful” (Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī).

I know this issue is extremely confusing and sensitive to some people, because people do take offense when someone asks where they got their meat from. So here, my dear sister, is where we'll be tactful in our our approach to asking them. :)

I was just reading an article on this matter last week in which Mufti Abdur-Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera gave practical solutions to this problem. SO here's what we can do!

"1. If possible, it is usually best to go directly to the host at the time of receiving the invitation or close
thereafter (but well before the date of invitation), and politely inform him or her, without being
judgmental about his or her practices, that you have some strict dietary limitations regarding meat.
Inform them of butchers you trust. If the meat does not come from these sources, and the host is not
willing or able to obtain meat from these certified stores, let him know that meat is not a necessary part
of the meal for you and that you would be perfectly satisfied with alternate options, such as vegetable
and fish dishes. Let them feel that you are eager to accept their kind invitation and enjoy their company,
and that, for you at least, the importance of the gathering is in being together, not the type and variety of
food served.

2. If it is difficult to approach the host, perhaps because one is not on intimate enough terms with him,
then ask in an appropriate manner someone who may know where the host buys his meat. As much as
possible, this should be done in an indirect and subtle manner, so as not to raise too much suspicion or
throw the matter out of proportion.

3. Volunteer to purchase the meat for the host, and buy it from your trusted source. In the US in
particular, many people are particular about what they eat and strictly adhere to certain self-imposed
dietary restrictions, so many hosts are quite accommodating. For example, some people are on a low-carb
diet, some are vegetarian, some are lactose intolerant, some allergic to nuts, and many hosts are willing to
go out of their way to serve a cuisine that suits the needs of their guests." (Mangera, Abdur-Rahman. "Zabiha-- Meat Madness." Web.)

To be honest, about slaughtering the animal, you should probably consult a local scholar on the matter so you can be absolutely sure as to what is and what isn't allowed. You'll get an in-depth answer so that way you won't have to keep treading on egg shells all the time and you'll have a peace of mind. I would recommend that you read this article too, as it does address other issues about this that we all should be aware of. :)

For the all-girls' party (now this is where I can relate to you! haha), make sure you don't make it a big deal. By all means, definitely be extremely careful in what you consume. We have to always do that! But the thing is, it's all about how you approach others. Firstly, try to inquire as to where the meat and products came from, and if there are any staple food items at the party every single time, make a mental note of what they are and research/call on your own sometime after the first party and before the next. If the meat is still questionable even after you inquire about it, then don't eat it. That's it. Just don't eat it. :) We have to make sure not to make a big show out of it (even accidentally). If someone asks, just pass it off as something trivial (I follow the view that we should avoid this and this," etc.)

The thing to keep in mind though is that most people know about halal and haraam concerning food practices. If they choose not care so much about it, that's between them and Allah (swt). We can't shove it down their throats, and that's how some people feel when we're not careful in how we approach this matter. If they do happen to take offense, you're going to be termed the "Religious Girl" who thinks she's better than everyone else, and truly, none of us are better than someone else. (Be careful; look at others' good qualities and attributes, and look at your own faults [A reminder first for myself and then for others.].) I know this because it's happened in my community. If this happens, then you'll probably lose all opportunities of showing/telling them that what they're doing isn't right. Just be careful. I know, this is really hard. :/

Now you might be wondering, "But shouldn't I tell my friends if they're consuming something that's not halal?" I know, you're trying to be a good friend and, of course, trying to protect them from something that's not right. One day, just randomly bring the article to a gathering (or bring up the subject) and talk about and ask what they think. And then tell them what you've learned...Let your friends know why you've changed (about music, clothes, food)! Anyone else have any suggestions? :D

You're going to have to learn to brush people's comments off if they make fun of you. Don't let it get to you. Confiding in somebody who cares for you and truly wants the best for you really helps too. Make du'aa to Allah (swt) to make this easy for you. Du'aa is the weapon of the believer. Wake up for tahajjud prayer. A friend of mine compares the last third of the night to professors' office hours in college. If students need extra help, they go their professors during the time they specifically set aside to answer their questions and such. You're doing this for His sake. You could actually be a means of guidance for these girls. How cool is that? :)

I was just learning in my (Ilm Essentials) class today that it's sunnah to accept an invitation whenever possible, provided it's a halal gathering, so that's something you'll have to determine for yourself, and if further clarification is needed, it would probably be wise to ask your local scholars on this matter.

Yeaaah, I run into the same issue of music, clothes, and picture-taking at all-girls' parties. That's a hard one! For pictures, just stand aside, and if they ask you to take be part of a group, politely decline while smiling, but be firm on your answer. Usually, that's not really too big of a problem from my experience.

If the girls want to play music, ask them to turn it off, and if they don't, then leave. Seriously. Try telling them beforehand. Come up with an idea for a game maybe.

You can't sacrifice your deen for your friends.

And dressing modestly shouldn't be a problem either. The other day I wore an abaya to a party where everyone was dressed to the nines and it was perfectly fine. I didn't want to, but my parents didn't want me wearing a dress there and that's what I wanted to wear, so I ended up wearing an abaya. I was sort of nervous because my own twin wore a gorgeous dress just like everybody else (so I had no one with me), but once I got there, I realized that it was all for nothing. Alhamdulillah, I ended up having so much fun with the other girls! Your demeanor and smile says a lot. Remember that. Be open. :)

I actually wrote down my thoughts right after the party, and I'll share some of them here:

I realized something today.

There’s no such thing as being too modest. I went to an all-girls party today, and alhamdulillah, it was lots of fun. I got to meet quite a few people I had seen before but never actually met and a couple of new girls. Usually, I tend not to go, unless I know the friend who’s throwing the party really well. I think the last one I went to was all the way back in Ramadan. So, anyhoo, going back to where I started. I ended up wearing an abayah, but only because my parents didn’t want me wearing a (long) dress, and I really don’t feel comfortable in wearing tight jeans and stuff, even if it is only girls, and also because I’m not a big fan of and didn’t want to be the only one wearing shalwaar kameez. So I donned a nice abayah and a colored scarf, and I felt comfortable. Nobody asked why, or even if they did, I just shrugged it off, and didn’t really give a straight answer.

I noticed a couple of things. Nobody treated me differently (although I think a lot of it has to do with how you present yourself to others), even though I was in abayah. It's completely different being outside around non-Muslims (but I did see similarities in a sense since I had to present myself. Again, I was sort of the outsider and had to worm my way in.) See, in this situation, you have to take the crowd here into account. Most of these girls were Desi, with the exception being the hostess, who’s Turkish, and another girl, who’s White. Most of these girls aren’t muhajjiba, not their mothers, sisters, or daughters, so I was different, but I still had nice conversations with quite a few of them, and mashaAllah, they’re awesome people. My abayah wasn’t a barrier, for which I was glad, alhamdulillah.

I think I understand now why my parents didn’t want me wearing a dress, even though I was upset then. F said there was noor on my face at the party, and I'm pretty darn sure it was because I chose to listen to my parents. I think they were afraid that I would lose sight of hayaa’ and go all out. Yes, it’s allowed in front of girls to dress like that, but I feel like although Islam freed us from that sort of oppression (looking good for guys), girls tend to do that when they’re around all girls. Yes, I know it’s okay, but just because it’s allowed doesn’t mean I’ve got to show my cleavage and legs. Just because something's permissible doesn't mean it's recommended. I know I lose sight of that. What’s wrong with dressing modestly? It comes back to the same thing, self-respect. Do you respect yourself and your body, or are you taking the only outlet Islam gives you? Why flaunt everything? I know there’s nothing necessarily wrong with it, but why lose sight of the essence of hayaa’? I feel exposed. Why should I have to feel vulnerable in order to be accepted? I think I’m good, thanks. It’s perfectly fine to still maintain your modesty while wearing a dress, but you rarely see that. It seems like now they’re back in the cycle, only this time, it’s not for guys, but the same thing’s happening. Why would you free yourself from one sort of oppression and go into another? I don’t quite understand that.

This one hit me in the face as I was dropping F off at her house. We were driving aimlessly around her subdivision so we could talk a bit. I realized we wear niqaab, so no matter what, people look up to us, whether we like it or not, so along with that comes a certain sense of responsibility. I mean, yes, I knew that, but I never actually experienced that until now. I make mistakes, big ones at that, but most people don’t know that. May Allah (swt) make me better than what they think of me. People take us as examples, and if we do something, they follow it blindly without looking to see if it works for them or if it’s even right, so we sort of set the standard. So if we do good and the girls imitate us, then we get the ajr, but it goes both ways. If we do something wrong (or something that’s allowed but should be better left out given the circumstances), and people mimic that, then we could also be held responsible for that. :/This is something I definitely have to remain mindful of.

Lastly, if this doesn't work out for you and creates even more problems, make friends with like-minded people. Then you'll love them and be comfortable with yourself too, inshaAllah. :)

And remember...

The Prophet, sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam, said,

“Whoever gives up something for the sake of Allah, Allah replaces it with something better.”

So, bi’idhnillaah, something better is coming for you soon, so smile.

I hope this helps, inshaAllah! I'm providing a link to the article I mentioned throughout the text below.

Wassalam,

http://whitethreadpress.com/resources/zabiha_madness.pdf

(And May Allah forgive all of us if we have said anything incorrect :D)

Wanna Fly . . .

2012-02-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

Everyday I wake up and go to school, come home and do whatever but I feel like I'm wasting my life. I want to please Allah but I'm just spending my time in such a boring way - I don't enjoy it... I want to make something of life.Yours, WannaFly.

Salaam WannaFly,

It’s really good you want to make something of life and I’m guessing from your sign off name, you want to escape the monotonous, draining atmosphere of daily life. Lots of people feel this way and it is completely normal to be generally bored of life after a while.

I’m happy that you’ve figured out what you need to do already (: , you’ve figured out that you need to strive in the way of Allah – you want to please Him. You know the change you want to make.

You want your Lord. Alhamdulillah this is so great, Allah always accept His servants:

Bukhari :: Book 9 :: Volume 93 :: Hadith 502 Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "Allah says: 'I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.' "

He, Allah, the Most Loving and Most Kind and and Turner of Hearts wants you to come to Him. It’s inevitable to eventually be bored of life – we’re plunged in this dry desert of a dunya – pleading for our thirst to be quenched; do you want to know what the much needed glass of water, or coke, or orange juice, or milk; whatever your preferred beverage – the much needed drink to quench our thirst of boredom in this life – is remembrance of Allah. Yes, simple but oh so powerful my sister. (:

I want you to make a list of the priorities in your life. It doesn’t have to be in order to begin with, just write down all the things which you find important at this moment in your day to day life and activities then order them – what’s actually important to you

Write down how you actually SPEND your days. What are you doing with all your precious time? Using it all for the sake of Allah?

“Verily, [by time] man is in loss,Except those who believe and do righteous deeds and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, Patience and Constancy."

You could look in your community for old people's homes, nurseries, schools, charity shops, libraries where you can volunteer. Spending your time in the pursuit of gaining closeness to Allah, inshaAllah!

Join a sister's halaqa at the mosque - or make your own with the girls from school. Even online halaqas! Start a blog or even post a hadith or verse from the Quran on Facebook every few days. Spread Dawah! Pass out some books to friends or even to strangers if you're really brave!! Spend your time well, is what I'm trying to say. (:

Inject bursts of dhikr and worship into your daily timetable. Increase it! Make your life worthwhile; make it fresh with the remembrance of He who created you from clay. He who opens up buds in Spring and lets delicate snowflakes fall in Winter.

On this note, sometimes you feel like you’re on ‘autopilot’. Rushing around, trying to get things done, not quite knowing the purpose of WHY you’re doing this. Why am I spending 8 hours a night studying, why do I want to learn!? Renew your intentions in everything you do – ensure it’s for the sake of Allah!

Also, whilst you may feel you’re on autopilot, you should appreciate that which is around you.

Allah says, "In the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the alternation of night and day, there are Signs for people of intelligence: those who remember Allah standing, sitting and lying on their sides." (3:190-191)

So remember Him.

Lastly, don’t worry. It does happen; it’s just really good that you’ve noticed this. Think about your life – and know you can always change it for the better.

Always for the better, inshaAllah.

Through the strives of changing for the better, always remember you’re seriously blessed, and never, ever alone – so smile (:

Those Pesky Pimples

2012-01-25T02:17:00.000-08:00

Asalamu aliaakum, sisters!

We need your help with this question :) How do you deal with those pesky pimples?
What advice/home remedies can you offer this sister, inshaAllah? :)

Asalamualaykum little aunties,

The advice you give the sisters, they manner in which you talk to them, the care and love you give to each, and how quick you are to answer just blows me away. SubhanAllah, whenever I feel down, I rush to this website and read the posts even if I have read them already. Wallahi, they have never failed to give me an "iman rush". Jazakumullahu Khairan for each and every letter that you type because in a way, every post is beneficial to me. May Allah grant you the highest level and make you the companions of the Prophets and his Sahaabi and the Ummahat-ul-Mu'mineen. I pray for you in each of my Duas.

Well..my question is how can i get rid of pimples? i have sooo many of them. i really need them. soo many scars do not look good. everyone tells me and i get a bad look for them

jazakalllahu khair

You can leave your advice in the comments below or in our new Facebook Page, inshaAllah.

When He Chose Another Wife

2012-01-24T12:46:00.000-08:00

I love you all and the sisters commenting, for the sake of Allah (Swt) May we all meet in Jannat Al-Firdaus. MashaAllah you are doing a great job, please do let me know if i can help you in any way.

Sister, i understand that you have no experience with ploygamy, but perhaps you and other sisters give assurance to my heart (just need somebody to talk to).

Ok, now my husband has given me some details about his plan to get a 2nd wife, and seeing that nudity, zina ect has become to wide spread arround the globe and especially where we live (in hong kong), i don't oppose him for marrying a 2nd woman. (we would do it anyway regardlesss of my permission). We had disscused to move to an islamic country or to move to our village in india but i know it won't make the difference as we frequently hear the stories of girls/married women with children, running away with men.

Just want to pause and comment here sisters, if your husband is talking about 2nd marriage pls dont oppose him, because if you do, he will might either get married anyway or he might (Auodobillah) commit zina. As for me i would prefer to have 3 co wives then to know that my husband commited zina even once. And to parents I would like to say that if your kids are talking about getting married (no matter how young or old they may be) please do get them married before they get into something that you might never want them to. Some of you might agree with me while others might criticize me, but trust me because i am only saying this beacuse i love you all. As this indecency is so wide spread that no one is spared of this.

Anywayz so as now my husband is going to take a 2nd wife soon (he has come to know a girl online), although i am Alhumdulliah fine with it. But sometimes my heart burns and aches and i just want to keep crying and crying and dont know what to do. I wish that he wont get a 2nd wife and nor will he ever commit zina, but i know this is only my wish thinking.

So, just need some words or care and love, JazakumAllah.

your sister in pain.

Dearest My Sister in Pain,

My dear sister. You shared with us before your story (Wanting a Child) and we know that you have been tested much. You have asked for our support---and as our sister, you deserve our support. I wish I could dry your tears and let the pain go away...

But instead, this is what I have to offer you.

The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam loved Aisha dearly. Once a companion (radiya Allah Anhoo) asked the Prophet (peace be upon him): "Who is your beloved? The prophet sallah Allahoo alyheae wa salam answered clealry: "Aisha".

We've all heard it before. Prophet Mohammed would race with her. He would joke with her. And how he let her watch the team of Abyssinans and had a special nickname for her, too...

We know that when he fell ill, before he passed away (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam), the prophet asked permission from his wives to be cared for in her house.

He loved her dearly and there was NO question about that.

Yet, Aisha was not his last wife. She was not the last person for him to marry.

Just like the prophet's decision to marry women after Aisha did not mean that Aisha was not his beloved, your husband's decision to marry another woman, inshaAllah does not lessen any love he had for you.

You have to go back to the whole of the situation. Your husband and you were facing difficulties in having a child. He decided to pursue polygamy as a course of action. Don't think of it as something personally against you. Your husband probably thought of it as the only halal alternative solution.

That said, your relationship with your husband will always be unique. Nobody can take that away from you.

Think about this:

Once, and after ten years of her death, Hala (Khadija's sister) came to visit him, On
hearing her voice, the prophet became very happy, and hurried to receive her. His wife
Aisha was with him, and she was jealous and said:
"What did you still remember about an old lady, that was replaced by a better
one?" (she meant herself)
The prophet became angry and said: "I haven’t been replaced by a better ; Khadija
believed in my prophecy while other didn't, she spent her money on me, while others
didn't, and Allah granted me children only from her.

You see, what you have gone through in your years of marriage cannot be replaced, inshaAllah. You will always have your history together....and inshaAllah, if you continue to work on your emotional and spiritual relationship, your future, too.

What you need to do is exactly what you said here. Renew your intention regularly...that you are accepting this because you do not want your husband to fall into sin and because you know that Allah does not burden a person with more than they can bear. Keep making dua.

Don't:
- turn away from your husband at this time as this will only broaden the 'distance'. Instead, it is important that you continue to talk to him.
-let your life revolve around that woman. Not your life. Not your married life. Don't spend your time trying to think of how she cooks or dresses....Work on yourself. If you have weaknesses, work on them, not because you're in a competition but because you honestly want to be better.

Will you experience jealousy? Yes, you probably will. Remember, the best of women (the Mothers of the Believers) were also jealous at times. It's okay to be jealous but it's how you handle that 'jealousy.'

Instead, take your pain and realize that no person can ever "completely save you"/ keep you entirely happy/etc.Your husband was never meant to be your 'savior" or the one who fulfills all of your needs...or the one you depend on. That is Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala. Allah is the ONLY one capable of fulfilling all your needs. He is the one to depend on. So use this as a means to draw closer to Allah.

This is most likely your jihad and struggle....Ask Allah to make it easier for you, inshaAllah.

The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam taught us to say: O Allaah, there is no ease except in that which You have made easy, and You make difficulty, if You wish, easy

Speaking of jihad, though, I found this online book for you:

The author says:

What you will find in this book, insha’Allah, is how it feels to be in polygamy as a first wife. You will see how a wife’s life is turned upside down and changed overnight from a life that is familiar to one that is full of turmoil. You will find, insha’Allah, that polygamy presents an enormous trial for the first wife that is placed in it. You will also find, insha’Allah, that as difficult as polygamy may be, Allah, glory be to Him the Most High, may bless good to come from such a hardship.

I hope inshaAllah it does help.

I ask the other sisters to keep you in their duas, as well....

And I leave you with this hadith:

“If Allah Loves a people, He tests them.”

With all my love,

TOPIC CLOSED

In Defense of 'those so called "barbaric punishments"

2012-01-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

I need some help. I am a person who grew up Muslim by name, only, but alhamdullillah, lately have felt a need to know more about my religion. I have learned so much in the last few months. But still, I am uncomfortable with some things and don't know how to explain it to others or to myself. Cutting the hand and flogging as punishments really make me feel doubtful about my religion. I think that they are not ok, cause we can behave like western countries in such cases and it looks more reasonable. Please give me some advice on this.
Confused,

Dearest Confused,
I’m really glad you brought up this question! These days, the media likes to throw the word Sharia around as if it’s an atomic bomb or something (lol!), when in reality, nothing could be further from the truth.

Let’s start off by explaining 2 very important and critical notions of Islam.

The first and very important concept of Islam is that of choice and responsibility.

Islam did not come to restrict or deny human nature. On the contrary, Islam was intended to make things easier for us.

And Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]; and mankind was created weak. (4:28)

Those who follow the Messenger, the unlettered prophet, whom they find written in what they have of the Torah and the Gospel, who enjoins upon them what is right and forbids them what is wrong and makes lawful for them the good things and prohibits for them the evil and relieves them of their burden and the shackles which were upon them. So they who have believed in him, honored him, supported him and followed the light which was sent down with him - it is those who will be the successful. (7: 157)

The truth, as we explained in a previous post (Is Everything Haram?), is that most things have been made lawful for us. What has been made unlawful are the things that 'harm us' (and have negative effects such as diseases becoming rampant, families breaking up, etc.) It's up to the person to choose to obey Allah and stay away from what has potential harm or...follow their own desires.

And here we come to the crux of the issue: There is ALWAYS a permissible Islamic alternative to a person's desires/ needs/wants. It's the person who chooses if they will use the Islamic alternative or turn to other things.

Let's take a clearer example.

Let's say a person feels that his/her marriage life is miserable and would like to be involved with someone else. There is an Islamic alternative- the person has the RIGHT in Islam to divorce. Keep in mind that this is not a right given in all religions. Even today, people in the Philippines are fighting for the right of divorce. Yet, Islam grants it. Islam allows a person to divorce and remarry.

Also, another Islamic alternative would be polygamy.

IF a person commits an affair, then, they have willingly chosen to forgo Allah's permissible alternatives. That is something they have chosen to do- a course of action that they decided to pursue.

We'lll talk more about that in second, but first, let's continue with the second critical aspect to Islam.

The second important notion in Islam is that of justice. Justice is extremely important in Islam. Islam recognizes that a society cannot prevail without justice. Justice therefore must be protected and laws must be set to ensure that justice is served. That is why the Qur’an commands that we are just, even if we have to stand against our own families or ourselves. Not only that, but we know that one of God’s attributes is that He is the Just; He has forbidden injustice upon Himself and He has forbidden it on us.

Now, justice does not come by recognizing only a criminal’s rights. It comes when both the victim and the criminal are given their due rights and when the welfare of the entire society is taken into consideration.

Okay, okay, enough with the intro. What about cutting the hand off a thief?

Most people automatically imagine a very poor, needy, desperate person as a thief. They think "Islam is so cruel. Cutting the hands of a needy person?"

But that's not the case, at all. Islam wants to help and protect the needy people.

As Muslims, we're commanded to pay zakat, or a percentage of money to the less fortunate, right. Don't we have to pay 2.5 % of our wealth, 5% of our crops that are grown, and 20% of any minerals from the earth? This is not something extra. Instead, it’s considered an obligation that every Muslim must do. Besides that, Muslims are encouraged to give voluntary charity or sadaqah. That’s what individuals are supposed to do.

You know what else…Islamically, the government is supposed to ensure that every single person has the basic necessities, from food, clothing, housing, and medical fees. Islam is completely against the idea that someone in a society could die from starvation because they didn’t have enough money…or that someone could die because they couldn’t afford health care.

This is what is supposed to happen if Shariaa was implemented properly.

As you can see, someone who would steal in such a society really is only stealing out of greed…And that’s not fair. Islam is very big on making sure everyone understands that they have their rights. It’s not fair for someone to steal from someone else’s hard work and effort.

In fact, I want you to imagine a poor person putting away all of their life savings in a tiny little box in their cupboard and locking that cupboard with a key. And then, somebody coming in the middle of the night and stealing that poor person's life savings. Just imagine how that person would feel!

You see, the hadd punishment for stealing has a lot of conditions. One of those conditions is that the 'sariq' took something that had been put away and properly 'hidden'...that the victim had taken precautions to protect their things, yet the 'criminal' had deliberately chosen to 'break in and steal it'. Read more about it here: http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/14238/thief

Other conditions that have to/ should be fulfilled before someone can be considered guilty of stealing include (according to Wikipedia and I did hear this on t.v.)

The theft must not have been the product of hunger, necessity, or duress.
There must have been criminal intent to take private (not common) property.
The goods stolen must: be over a minimum value, not haraam, and not owned by the thief's family.
Goods must have been taken from custody (i.e., not in a public place).
There must be reliable witnesses/evidence.

There are a few other conditions, too...But anyways, once they have all been fulfilled, then, the punishment is to take place. The purpose of this punishment is to act as a deterrent .It tells people to seriously think about what they are doing.

And one last point, I heard in a funny video was this: if someone steals a huge amount of money and then is given a prison sentence, what happens to him/ her? Don’t we steal have to feed/ house this person while they are incarcerated? You know who’s paying: all of the tax payers, including the person who was robbed. Does that make sense?

Well, what about the flogging and stoning punishments.

Okay, here's the thing:

Islam as we said, does not deny human nature. It does not condemn ‘sex’ but condemns sex only outside of marriage. (In fact, Islam has promised married couples that their intimate act yields them ‘hasnaat’ or rewards). Because Islam understands human nature, though, Sharia has commanded:

-men and women to lower their gazes (around each other),
- to cover certain parts of their bodies,
-and not to unnecessarily be alone together (those that are non-mahrams to each other).
-Islam has encouraged that people get married young, and that marriages are made easy- that is, grooms and brides should not ask each other for unrealistic things or big dowreis, etc.
- Islam has also allowed for divorce and polygamy

What we have to remember then is that a person who has engaged in pre-marital sex or adultery has chosen to willingly ignore all of the above commandments and the permissible alternatives.

We also have to remember that there are also conditions for this punishment, too. In order for the punishment for pre-marital sex to be carried out, the Qur'an stipulates that there must have been four reliable and trustworthy witnesses. FOUR witnesses!

So what that basically means is that the person was FLAUNTING their sin....that they were very open about it. That's not acceptable. It's one thing to 'fall into a personal sin". It's another thing to 'invite' others to sin by flaunting it, yourself.

These are not just 'simple sins' either. Pre-marital sex and adultery threaten they very cornerstone of the society- they threaten the family backbone. They are major causes of illnesses spreading, of families breaking up, of children growing up without their fathers or any clue to who they are....

Allah subhanoo wa' Tala sets the boundaries by putting these laws for us. They act as a deterrent and essentially protect our societies.

At the end of the day, as Muslims, we believe that God, our Creator, is the One who decided the punishments for those crimes. We believe that as our Creator, God knows what works best for us and what is better for our societies. The punishments are really meant to scare people from thinking of doing any crimes.

I hope this helps a bit, but sis, please remember that our faith is so much more than two or three punishments :) Islam is about a persons's relationship with the Most Merciful (our Lord), with others (our families, neighbors, towns, Muslims, non-Muslims, etc.), and ourselves.
http://www.1ststepsinislam.com/en/commandments-of-islam.aspx

(One last thing I want to point out is that even the Old Testament mentions stoning as a punishment. Just because the Western countries have "given up the punishments listed in their books, doesn't mean that we should." It says:)
22.22 “If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman and the woman; so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.

Stoning to death punishment for virgin women for adultery.
22.23 If a damsel who is a virgin be betrothed unto a husband, and a man find her in the city and lie with her,
22.24 then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones, that they die — the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city, and the man,because he hath humbled his neighbor’s wife; so thou shalt put away evil from among you.)

Fall Back in Love?

2012-01-18T11:30:00.000-08:00

I have a huge problem in my life and cant find 2 solve it all by myself.Iam married for about 2.5 years and we have a 1.5 year old son.You see i got pregnant right after getting married :)The problem is i left my homecoutry ( in europe) and came here 2 marry someone i didnt know very well. I loved him and trusted him. Now hes not a bad person but he made a lot of mistakes. So slowly my love 4 him died. Now we have talked it through and he finally sees the things he did wrong and that he has 2 change things so i could be myself and happy.All well so far but no matter how hard i try i cant get myself 2 love him again.I appreciate him and respect him but i dont want him near me ( like cuddle), kiss me or anything else. Hes like a friend 4 me now and i just cant change that.What should i do?Iam so unhappy like this cause i wish i could fall in love with him and be like a normal couple again :(If i live with someone i dont love or feel atracted 2, i know it will lead me 2 fitnah :(But also i dont want to destroy him by leaving and i dont want my son 2 grow up with his father being away.I really hope u can give me a good advice.Jazak allah khair

Dear Mother of One,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. But, as I've previously mentioned before, none of the aunties here are married….so we can offer you our advice, but we really have to count on the sisters reading this, too, to add their own input.

Now, I do want to say Ma'shaAllah ta'baraka that you "concealed" your partner's mistakes in the letter. The only thing is I can't really tell if you mean something like almost getting involved with another woman or if you just mean that he made some bad choices, like siding with the in-laws against you, not letting you keep in contact with your friends/family, etc.so I'm just answering in general.

Whatever he did, though, you said that you felt like you couldn't be yourself (or who you really are) and it's obvious that it hurt you.

Well, sis, let's do a small exercise.

Let's imagine that 'hurt' as having a kind of 'physical presence'…..Let's imagine it as a burning fire. (You know the amount of hurt and pain- you decide if it is a big fire or small one).
Can you smell the fire burning? Can you feel it? I really want you to close your eyes and just imagine for a second that you touched that fire. OUCH!

Would you hold on to that fire for longer than those few seconds that it took you to register the feeling of pain? (I don't think so!)

When it comes to pain, we can choose to hold on to it or to let it go. You can choose to be rooted, frozen in that pain or to let the pain melt away. You have to accept the fact that no matter what your husband did, it's you who decides if you are going to keep touching the fire or if you are going to let it go.

And you need to let go of that fire.

I want you to take a few moments and write down all that caused you pain. Think about it. Accept it. Consider his reasons and why those choices were made. And then, take that paper and rip it up or throw it away….and imagine the hurt flying/blowing away.

And say it out loud: "I have decided to no longer hold on to this pain. I have decided to let it go. I will give this relationship another chance, for the sake of my child, etc..

IF you truly want to move forward and live in this moment and not in the past (and not be stuck in the moment that your husband made a mistake), you need to be committed to today. You need to be willing to commit to your marriage. You can't be thinking about 'ending the marriage' and then hoping it will somehow 'begin all over again'. You need to believe in your marriage.

And the truth is, your marriage life is not over….Not if you both put your heart back in it, your dedication and you promise to work on it.

You already said that you asked your husband to change and you talked about it and he agreed. That's a great step on his part.

It's time to give him that chance. It's time for your relationship to mature and grow to another level, where both of you are free to be yourselves. It's time to restore your marriage and move past the past!

How?

#1. Accept that you are both human
There is no one perfect on this earth. Everyone makes mistakes.
Think about that. Consider the fact that you also make mistakes. How many times have you sinned against Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala? How much are you in need of His forgiveness? Don't you hope that Allah looks at your good deeds and overlooks your mistakes? Well, why don't you think about the good things your husband does? Remember, Allah promises His forgiveness to those who forgive others.

2. Work on your imaan together :
If you want your relationship to flourish and deepen, then you've got to build it something greater than him and you. Great love doesn't come from 'simple human desire'. It comes from a greater love- love of Allah. Build your relationship for the sake of Allah and you will find it reach a different level. Really make your niya that your entire marriage is for the sake of Allah...and that every day is a chance to get closer to Allah.

Try listening to a lecture about Allah's Names at least once a week, reading at least one page of the Qur'an together every day and its translation, praying at least one prayer together. Try coming up with "What I’m thankful for" lists together….Try talking about your favorite companions and stories of the Prophet together (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam.)

3. Decide on boundaries.
You and him are 2 different individuals. You are partners but you do have different ways of doing things. If he "was too controlling and didn't let you clean the room the way you wanted to or something like that", you need to decide whose area is whose domain. You are free to suggest and help each other, but both of you will not "control" each other and will have your own respective domains that you are in charge of .

Or, if his mistake was related to the in-laws….set boundaries with that. "The next time so and so calls (e.g. mother in law) and says something impolite to me, we are going to explain to her graciously that each person has their own way of doing things."

4. Rekindle the Romance:
Before I say this, let me explain something. If you're comparing your marriage life to what it was in the first few months, realize that it will always be different. As the experts always say, there is a difference between "being in love" and "love", itself. A marriage that lasts is built more than the 'happy feelings' from the honeymoon days.

But that doesn't mean that you can't bring back the romance.

Consider having a romantic retreat. Taking a few days and traveling to some new place and exploring it together
Decide that the weekends are your date days…You guys can go to restaurant or a park and have a barbecue.
You probably don't want to do this, but go the extra mile. Dress up, even if you really don't want to. Leave him some small notes where you sincerely thank him/whatever…Send him a nice nasheed and see how he responds. Bring back the excitement. (He might feel a little hesitant because he knows that he hasn't met your standards/ disappointed you.)
You said that you do appreciate your husband and that you still do respect him. Well, that's great. Keep building your appreciation and trust for him. Every day, think of something that he's either done for you/ or does for you that you are grateful for, whether it's going out and working to support the family, throwing the trash, picking up the baby when you're tired and playing with him, complimenting your outfit, noticing your mood, buying you that thing you crave...'
Do some activities together!

5. Make Dua that Allah restores the love and peace between you two.

There were just some simple ideas. InshaAllah the other sisters can share their advice,

Success or Not?

2012-01-17T00:39:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum.
Dearest Little Auntie. First off, let me start of by saying that I love you guys so much for the sake of Allah!! <3 alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, you guys absolutely, totally rock. :D
Well my problem is (as all problems are :P) kind of confusing. I have always been a high achiever. Alhamdulillah. Ever since my 10th grade, I have been soaring high with my grades mashaAllah. I topped my high school examination, and I got into one of the top medical schools of my country, also acing that test. And now THAT'S become my real problem. I can't seem to want to "stop," I keep wanting to go for more. I work hard to get good grades, I feel as if Allah SWT expects me to be a great doctor since he has blessed me with a good brain, and that if I fall even a little short of that standard, He will not be pleased. Then I look at the other side of the picture: I am a woman, and I will be married some day, I will be answerable if I compromise my family life and do not give my children enough time because of being a doctor! It's driving me insane, all these thoughts. Also, I want to get rid of the "competitiveness" that is growing inside me. All the times in medicine we read just how much stress is bad for your body, and I end up taking so much stress. I make a conscious effort to realize that I am doing whatever I am doing for Allah. Yet I believe my competitiveness ends up overwhelming my efforts to realize I want to please Allah, and that I am becoming a doctor for Him, to save the life of one person, which Allah says is equivalent to saving the entire Humanity. Please help. JazakAllah for hearing me out! <3<3
Not wanting to get too high!

Wa'alaikumussalam wa rahmatullah!

May the one for whom you love us love you (lol, I'm always saying this to my baby sister), and right back atcha! :D

Girl, that's awesome, mashaAllah, but I can see why you're getting really worried. I felt the same way, and after countless conversations with friends and family, reading, and such, I think I'm finally on my way to understanding why. And I know, this is pretty tough, because it's your future on the line here. O' course your confuzzled. :/

Let's start with defining success. What is true success? Anybody? The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as being "the accomplishment of an aim or purpose, or the good or bad outcome of an undertaking". There's another meaning also: obsolete. Ponder on it...

Depending on who you ask, you'll get different interpretations of what success is. If asked on worldly terms, "Who is the most fortunate and most blessed of all the people?" some may answer by saying the richest man, or the president of the U.S., or even a doctor or engineer (based on the varying convictions of belief in the hearts). But the reality is that the person who may be regarded as the most fortunate in this world, if this person leaves the world without imaan, so wretched will be his condition. On the Day of Judgment (according to a hadith more or less to the effect), death will be brought out in the shape of a ram and will be slaughtered. After that, no one will face death. If it were possible to die as a result of extreme joy, the people of jannah would die due to the ecstasy they will experience, subhanAllah. And it it were possible to die out of extreme grief, the people of jahunnam would die due to that, a'oodhu billah.

So what is true success? Why, what we're striving to achieve, of course!

"Everyone shall taste death. And only on the Day of Resurrection shall you be paid your wages in full. And whoever is removed away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise, he indeed is successful. The life of this world is only the enjoyment of deception." [Al-Qur'an 3:185]

Again, just something for all of us to think about (myself first)...Those in whose hearts was the reality of imaan feared the dunya. Yes, they feared it, so they distanced themselves from it.

A tabi'ee asked Mu'aawiya (radi Allahu anh) to describe Ali (radi Allahu anh), he replied, "I saw Ali one night. It was very dark. It was pitch black. I saw Ali standing in his mehraab and he had caught hold of his beard in his hands. He was crying so incessantly, like a woman who had been given news of a great calamity. He was shivering with fear and was shaking as if he had been bitten by a scorpion. He was saying, 'Oh my Allah, what will become of me? What is going to happen to me?' He then addressed the dunya and said, 'Are you trying to entice me? Have you beautified yourself for me? Are you trying to cause me to fall into your trap? Are you trying to deceive me? Oh gold, oh diamond, oh silver, deceive someone else. You are valueless!'"

SubhanAllah, this was a Sahaabi about whom Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aala) said he was pleased with! Makes you think, doesn't it?

Now to actually getting on to answering your question (sorry, I really caught up on all the background info. there :P), it's wonderful that you're a high achiever! We all should try our absolute best in everything we do, in all of our endeavors. But now it's become a problem for you, hasn't it? This is what I've realized from my experiences: it's okay to let go and just breathe. It's great that you've started thinking about this already. :) I'm taking it that you're probably from England (or a country that follows their education pathway) since by what you wrote, it seems that you go to med. school right after high school. In the U.S., we have four years of undergraduate studies and then graduate school (medicine, law, social work, etc.) Anyhoo, you're not alone in this; I was just like you in high school. It was my goal to be valedictorian when I graduated two years ago, so I just went crazy after my grades. And...I got it. And guess what? That was it. I'm being serious.

That. Was. It.

I got the highest academic distinction anyone can get at graduation. Yes, it was exciting and everything, alhamdulillah. I'm not trying to downplay it. But then what? I hit the top, and there was no other place for me to go except to come back down. So I realized, that in dunya, there will always be a "glass ceiling". Once you reach the pinnacle of "success", you're done. You got to your goal and there's nothing else to go after. Woo-hoo, but you'll feel empty inside. There's going to be this gnawing feeling inside of you asking you what's missing. But get this, there's no "glass ceiling" in the deen! None at all! How amazing is that, subhanAllah?! We'll never hit the top. We'll always be striving until our very last breath. This was the eye-opener for me. It was like my "AHA" moment, haha. I'm still just flabbergasted. I mean, I'm sure we all know this, but when you truly think about, you'll start looking at life and success from another perspective. What truly matters? For so many of us who are really focused on being high achievers academically, have we to thought about maybe diverting some of that energy and effort into our deen and becoming better muslimahs? Now there's a thought!

It's so easy to get caught up in this dunya. For us, right now, it's education. Later, it'll be work. I know so many people (sorry, I only have the example of doctors around me) who are just going crazy after their work. They're at the hospitals before Fajr and back home after Ishaa', and I know it's exhausting since I've seen it firsthand. Some get posted on the billboards off the freeways, are affiliated with the best hospitals in the state, but they don't seem content for some reason. They're just running after one thing or the other. Granted, they're very good doctors and I'm sure they're also good muslims.

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." (13:28).

This doesn't mean that we're supposed to drop our academic pursuits. No way! But we have to realize that going to college and embarking upon our careers is only a means to get to the end. I don't think I can stress this point enough.Our end is to please Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aala). Isn't that our ultimate goal in life? We can't lose sight of that. I think we get so caught thinking that there's only one way of doing things (the means), but in reality, there's so many ways. Our lives could take off in so many different directions, but in the end, we can still have the end we need in order to get into jannah. College/medicine/law/teaching/you name it isn't the only way to reach the desired end. If we make college our end, then that's like getting on a bridge and just staying there. It'll be like not crossing the bridge, and when we think about it, it seems so silly to stand on the bridge and just stay stagnant. My dad always tells us kids, that no matter what we're doing, to always ask ourselves, "What does Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aala) want from me? What would please him?" We have to keep our goal in mind. Yes, I know, it's easier said than done, but that's why we're all here, aye? :D

Niyah is a big issue here too. Our intentions can make a seemingly mundane act become an act of 'ibaadah. Say, for college or whatever field you're going into, you could intend to do it for the betterment of the ummah, to help our fellow brothers and sisters, and also humanity. We could even make niyah for it to be da'wah to non-Muslims, and actually invite people towards Islam. There's so many different intentions that we can make.

Yes, women with careers who have kids do have it harder than most, especially doctors. But really, that's a balance you'll have to find for yourself later on. Everyone takes care of it differently. Some have their parents take care of the children. Others hire nannies and babysitters. Some even work from nine to five or part-time, so that they leave when their kids leave for school and come home around the same time as the kids do. Others still, go back to work after their kids are in middle or high school, or even college. And some decide that domestic life is what suits them best. :)

Just one more thing. I promise! For those of you who are obsessed with their >4.0 GPA's (I used to be one of them :P), as I said before, please breathe. Just inhale...and exhale. It's okay, I promise you, your life won't be over if you don't graduate as valedictorian or get that full-ride scholarship or get a 36 on your ACT. You'll still get into a good college, inshaAllah. And seriously, don't expect to excel at everything. That's a recipe for disaster. You'll only end up disappointing yourself. You will fail at times, I promise you. :P No, really, you will. Just try your best and leave the rest up to Allah (subhaanahu wa ta'aala). Rely on Him. Just don't get too focused on your studies that you forget to have fun if you're in high school. Come on, guys, it's high school! Have some fun! Get to know your teachers. Play pranks on them (harmless ones, haha). Skip class (I'm kidding! In college, yes, but not in high school.) Join organizations. It's also a great time for you to grow socially.

Whatever choices you have to make, just remember to pray istikharah and seek advice and naseehah from others. Both are from the sunnah of the Prophet Muhammah (salallahu 'alaihi wa sallam), so they should definitely help you out. :)

I hope this post helped to answer and alleviate some of your concerns, inshaAllah!

Wassalam,

Beautiful Inside and Out.

2012-01-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

Before I start, can I just say that I absolutely love your blog! I only discovered it relatively recently and I am so glad I did, I check it every day. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your knowledge and advice...may Allah bless you

Anyways, on to my problem. So you can understand it I have to explain a bit about myself. You see I haven't been the best Muslim, I am ashamed to say, I did so many bad things..but alhamdulillah, God took mercy on me and brought me to the realisation that I have to change. And I have been trying but it is quite hard...(by the way, your article on forgiveness really helped...it actually moved me to tears..thank you so much)

So, you won't be surprised to hear I am not a hijabi. And I am really trying to become one. Now you're probably thinking 'Not another question on hijab! We've already answered so many!' And I have read them all, and they are wonderful answers, but they don't address my specific issue. You see, some days I feel so clear and certain that I want to wear hijab, but then the next day I just don't want to think about it and I can't convince myself that I really want to wear it. Now, you can never hide the truth from yourself for too long and I know why I can't commit to hijab...

I am ashamed to say, I have too much vanity and pride in my appearance. It is hard to admit that...but I know that the reason I dislike the thought of hijab is I like having my hair down and wearing makeup and looking 'pretty'. Now I know you can still look pretty with hijab- mash'Allah I see so many pretty girls in hijab and they all look more beautiful because they look modest and pure. And sometimes, I dislike having my hair down and not wearing hijab, it feels 'flashy' and immodest. And sometimes I feel sad that people don't recognise me as a Muslim...

But, I don't know, I can't make that feeling last! Please help me to stop being vain and shallow, please tell me how to stop caring about how I look and to stop trying to look 'pretty' and 'attractive. Please tell me a way to stop caring too much for dunya not akhira. I really want to change, I keep getting scared I will be too late...

Thank you

Assalamu Alaykum sis,

First off I want to sincerely apologise greatly for my bad manners - I'm really sorry this reply is so late and I have no excuse. I ask you to forgive me.
Secondly, I want to tell you that I have a lot of respect for you. You are so concerned about your deen and it is a lesson to us all, myself firstly.

As for your question, I am sure that many of the sisters on this site can relate to it. And us 'aunties' sure as heck would never think "Oh, no, not another hijab question!" Instead, I can understand how you feel like you're on a roller coaster with your decision to wear hijab and it's probably really frustrating. Some days you're all for it and other days the opposite. You say this is because you like to look 'pretty' with your hair down etc and I understand this. As girls, who doesn't want to put on some mascara and get the straighteners out. And I'm not saying you shouldn't... Muslimahs aren't restricted in looking pretty, as you well know.

But the thing is, darling, did you ever think about the fact that you are much more than your body? That you have a beautiful soul? And that by covering your outer beauty, your inner beauty sparkles and shines through? (I don't mean that this should be drawing attention to yourself extensively with non-mahrams, though.)

But, think about it. How much do you really value the real YOU? The person behind the hair, skin, figure, etc.?

The truth is that once you cover and understand that the things on the outside should be covered, you will value yourself as a human being and as Allah's chosen vicegerent (khalifa!) on this earth.

And you will come to appreciate these blessings and hopefully succeed in the trials that Allah has given you. Your beautiful hair and gorgeous figure, ma'shaAllah ta'baraka Allah—you didn't actually create them, yourself, did you?

Allah subhanoo wa' Tala did. He gave it to you perhaps as a blessing and perhaps as a trial…Would you obey Him in these blessings?

Sister, when you walk out on the street and you see yourself as beautiful, ask yourself the important questions:

"How does Allah see me, now?" "Am I beautiful in His eyes? What does Allah think?"

You see, Allah doesn't look as your form. He already created it (beautifully and perfectly)…Instead, He looks to the inside.

On the authority of Abu Huraira (Radi Allah Anhu) with some addition (and it is this):
"Verily Allah does not look to your bodies nor to your faces but He looks to your hearts (deeds),"
And he pointed towards the heart with his fingers.

Just imagine if Allah found your heart to be beautiful. Imagine if Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem found that you had worked in purifying your heart for Him!

You know how amazing you feel when you get that compliment from the 'coolest girl' on your stylish haircut/ cute outfit….Imagine how amazing it would feel to know that Allah is calling out your name to the angels to love you because you had obeyed Him and put Him above your desires:

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said, "When Allah loves a slave, calls out Jibril and says: `I love so-and-so; so love him'. Then Jibril loves him. After that he (Jibril) announces to the inhabitants of heavens that Allah loves so-and-so; so love him; and the inhabitants of the heavens (the angels) also love him and then make people on earth love him".

Forget about impressing people by your 'looks'. If you've got Allah on your side, if you work to reach Allah's love, you will find people really loving you (not all ' "Wow, you look great, *scratch/ claws come out when you turn your back).

I know what you're thinking.That's easy to say but maybe hard to do.

You've already shown at the end of your question that you know what your problem is (and I applaud you for this): 'caring too much for dunya not akhira'.

Honey, this is something many people struggle with because of the flash ''opportunity'' dunya offers us.

Shaykh Samir An-Nass said the best way to deal with these sorts of desires is to ''train'' yourself. Stick a note 'DEEN NOT DUNYA' somewhere in your room like your mirror or near your bed. Keep reminding yourself of the truest of true beauty you harbour. And that's your Deen. That is the single most beautiful thing about a Muslim. And it can be seen through the choices you make in your appearance. Every time you pray salah, ask Allah the Most Merciful, the Turner of Hearts to turn your Heart to Him and to His obedience more and more and more, inshaAllah.

You need to know that change is a funny thing...and there's a moment just before the change happens. This moment is like someone or something grabbing you by the arm and pulling you back. Back to the past. Your mind knows that you should go forward but you're being pulled back, back to the old mindset. Back to the memory of feeling good. It's vital that in this moment you pull out the strength which you do have in you. The strength you do have because it's the strength of your deen. Say to yourself 'DEEN. NOT DUNYA' Because if I give you one piece of advice, it's to never go backwards once you decide to change for the sake of Allah. Never.

The road may begin to be bumpy but the rewards and ultimately, happiness, you receive after is beautiful. It's different to the happiness before and that's why you don't feel like you want it.

Starting Hijab may feel daunting; what will people say, what will they think, school, work, family, friends, strangers. And it's a lot easier said than done to simply shrug them off. When I started hijab, a few people did stare. Many asked questions. Many were shocked (lol). But I took every day as it came. As an amazing friend told me: ''It's all about baby steps''. You have to walk before you run, right. (:

I do hope you decide to wear Hijab soon. You could organise a gathering with a bunch of friends and dress-up etc. (Strictly girls only of course ;) ) And talk to them about your decision. Remember covering isn't making your ugly. It doesn't rid you of physical beauty, merely covers it. Because it's valuable; as are you <3.

I've never seen you, sister. And I may never in this life. But I know you are beautiful;

So smile <3 (:!

And please see this video. It might help :)

Remember: Deen Not Dunya.
.

P.S. Once again, I'm sorry this is over a month late. :(

Change Majors?

2012-01-02T07:17:00.000-08:00

Before I proceed, I just would like to inform that this is a long post.
I’ve been feeling kind of lost and sort of a little bit depressed lately (all this negatives thoughts seems to overwhelm me!). I’ve just ended my first semester of my first year in university and it has not gone too well. I have a feeling that I under perform my exams and I admit that I did not study well enough. Ever since I started school, my concentration in my studies has extremely dropped. Let me lay out 2 major reasons as to why I think this is happening:
1) As my days in school goes by, this one question that keeps popping out is whether the course that I’m currently doing is what I wanted to do in my job field in future. When I was younger, I only thought that I’m only good at this one subject and not others. Thus throughout college and again in uni, I stick to the subject which I thought I do best well in. But now, I really do not know! I really feel lost about myself. This got me to think of whether I should still continue in this course (but there’s a possibility that I may retain although results are not out yet), change to another major (but I don’t what else I can do and i think my marks are not high enough to go to another course!) or even withdraw from school (but I feel it’s kind of a waste to drop out and people keep telling me that it will gives you a better life - better job, higher pay, etc, but is getting a degree all about a better job and higher pay?!!) I no longer know what are my intentions for pursuing a degree!

2) I started realizing ever since I’m in uni, I’ve been skipping my prayers, and thus on Iman low. I’ve been trying to fight against my desires but I guess I’m just not strong enough. Also, you see, I’m not really that happy being a uni student. The reason being is I did not go after in seeking Islamic knowledge as high as how I’ve been seeking knowledge for “dunya courses” (hope you get what I mean). Thus I begin to have this thoughts that why am I studying hard to get dunya knowledge but I’m not improving my Islamic knowledge?! But Alhamdullilah, I’ve just started enrolling myself into an Islamic class to learn more. Then again, my morale is still low.
Thank you for hearing me out, Little Auntie
A Lost Wanderer

Dearest A Lost Wanderer,

awwww, I'm sorry to hear that you've been down, lately. Sometimes, the transition between college and high school isn't as smooth as we expect. It's a different place, with different people, different expectations and rules....You've been used to a system for a long time and suddenly you find yourself in a totally different 'world". It's no surprise then that your grades might not have been as good as they could be...and you admit that you didn't study as well as you should have.

But alhamdillah, you've done the right thing by analyzing your situation and your feelings.

Let's try to work on it, together :)

For numero 1 problem:

I understand that you've kinda always limited yourself to one subject and now you're wondering if you're even in the right major. At the same time, you're not even sure that you have the option to change majors or not....Well, first things first.

A. Find out what the regulations are at your university/ college to change majors. There's no reason to 'keep wondering if you should change majors' if you're not even allowed to, right. So, go through your university's catalog and by-laws and see what kinds of things are needed in order to change majors. Read also about the possibilities of getting 'a minor'/ 'double major'/ etc .Also, it's very important that you schedule an appointment with your academic advisor and discuss the possibilities of changing majors- seeing what his/her opinion and advice is.

B. Of course, your academic advisor is probably going to be all "Our major is the BEST. GO US!" So, the next thing you should do is stop by and check your career service center or guidance counselor at your university and see if they can help you decide if you are in the right major. If you do not have such a center in your university (for whatever reason), try taking some online personality tests.

I haven't used these, myself, but I did a quick search and came up with these links:

http://www.careertest.net/

http://www.careerkey.org/

http://similarminds.com/career.html

Analyze those results. Consider the working hours, pay, etc. that are most likely to be the result of working a certain career. Check the current job market. (If you do want to "work" and not stay at home). Think about your long term goals...What is is that you want to be doing 10 years from now? What do you NOT want to be doing? Try to even talk to people who are working at your current chosen career. Like if you know any people who have graduated from the degree that you are currently studying-- what do they think?

Think about those things and also:

What can be a hobby? What do you need teachers to actually teach you and what can you learn on your own? What would you like to take a course about in your free time and what do you actually want to study and be tested on?

C. Once you've established the list of possible 'careers'/ other majors that might interest you, try seeing the possibility of attending a class or two of the other majors. See how it goes. Get in touch with students who are in the other classes and ask them about their opinions. Look at their textbooks, tuition, etc.

D. If you find yourself still confused, try to make sure that you finish university requirements ...and take this semester as an opportunity to decide what it is that you want to do. For example, my older sis changed her major twice, but alhamdilllah, because she had worked on university requirements, she ended up graduating only a semester late. (University requirements are the things that ALL students, regardless of their degree, have to finish.)

For your second problem:

2. Sis, you're stuck in a small cycle. You're wondering why you're caring so much about the dunya and not the deen- you're upset that you didn't pursue Islamic studies- yet, somehow you find yourself delaying and skipping your prayers.

Hunny, a great scholar once said: "The knowledgeable one remains ignorant about what he knows about until he acts upon it."

Your salah is your connection with Allah subhanoo Wa' TAla. Think about it. There is no excuse for skipping a prayer. Did you know that there is no kafarah (no way to expiate) a skipped prayer that is deliberately missed? You can never make it up again. See here.

I don't usually take the hard approach, but I have to be straight about this. A missed prayer is not acceptable. It means that you are saying something is more important to you than Allah....

Instead, if you're feeling an imaan low, it's even more important to pray....Ask a friend to be a prayer buddy and to help encourage you. Listen to some lectures on salah. Be honest with your parents, too, and tell them you need some help praying on time.

As for 'feeling bad that you didn't pursue Islamic studies, well, sweetie, you've done the right thing now by joining an Islamic class. You can also read at least 5-10 pages of Quran daily, try to listen to one lecture a week, read an Islamic book once a week, learn a new hadith, etc. You CAN also consider enrolling in an Islamic university online , or think about taking courses once you are done with your degree.

And remember, that your sincere intentions can turn every day actions into worship to be rewarded for in the Hereafter. When you come to eat, say Bismillah. Thank Allah for the food He has given you. When you wake up, say the daily adkhar. If we sleep early for example so that we can wake up to pray the dawn prayer (fajr), our sleep would be considered worship. The whole time we’re sleeping, we are actually worshipping Him and ‘gaining good deeds’. Once you start implementing these small actions, you'll find that you are making your dunya as a means for your aakhirah. We don't have to totally renounce the dunya, but we should remember that it's a temporary place meant to be

Please also read these two posts;

http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/03/down-in-dumps.html

http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2010/12/fed-up-of-roller-coaster-ride.html

InshaAllah the other sisters can also add their input <3

The Joys of Motherhood

2011-12-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

The Joys of Motherhood

(Guest Post by Sana H. from the blog http://hsisters.wordpress.com. Click on the title above^ to be taken to the original post, inshaAllah)

It seems like just yesterday that you were born. To see you and hold you for the first time was beyond magical. It seemed unreal. A certain calm fell over me for the coming months. And so began the joys of motherhood. It felt like an honor to be the shepherd of something so perfect. An honor Allah has bestowed on me. An honor Allah specifically chose for me. He chose for me to step up to the plate and play my part in caring for His slave. Whether rain or shine, in sickness or health, with full energy or tired out of my mind. I was chosen to play this part for a very long time. It’s no longer about me anymore if you’re hungry. It’s no longer about me anymore if you’re sleepy. It’s not longer about me anymore if you want me to play with you. It’s no longer about me anymore. With a prayer on my lips I must roll up my sleeves and be ready for you. And the joys fall in my lap endlessly. The smiles and laughter and the hearty giggles. The tiny teeth and tiny toes. The double cheeks and tickle-me tummy. The scrunch-up nosey and pulling my glasses. The licking my face to give me a kissy. All things to be treasured and remembered. Especially when things aren’t going so good.

And when you have one of those days where nothing seems to be going your way and the diaper changing becomes a battle. You have to take a moment to settle. Instead of becoming angry and muttering something bad, I need to reflect and look back. The things going wrong in my life today are not the little one’s problem to be handed to them. It certainly isn’t a good enough reason to take away from them their beloved mother’s mental presence. Our problems and issues are entirely our own and they will still be here tomorrow. But the time we have chosen to dwell on them and neglect the needs of our children will not be returned to us. This is their time when they can’t get to sleep or are hungry or whiney or just want to play. It’s their time and they’ve done nothing wrong so when they want us, they deserve only us. This is to be remembered during those times of chaos when it seems like I can’t get a handle on life. This is a reminder to me to stop and care for my baby. How well I respond today will define how easily they confide in me tomorrow. This isn’t to diminish the hardships of life. Because they are very real. This is simply to put into perspective the life of the little one who depends solely on you and the joys they bring to our lives.

This is my reminder that I’m a shepherd and I will be questioned about my flock. They have committed no wrong against their Creator while I have committed many wrongs. During questioning of their life as children, they will go free and I will have to stay and answer for my actions. They will bear witness for us as good parents or neglectful ones. As much as we get caught up in our day to day lives, our babies and the experiences they bring are beyond all this. Our babies are our gifts. Our babies are still Allah’s. We must make a conscious effort everyday to juggle life but we must not do it at their expense. All of our efforts are being counted and by giving our children their deserved time, we are insha Allah securing a grand future for them (and ourselves). They will not be with us always and will slowly stop depending on us. When those days approach, we will be reminded of their childhood and be reminded of the joys of motherhood.

May Allah keep them guided on the straight path and not leave them even for the blink of an eye. May He set all of their affairs straight in this life and the hereafter. May He give them patience and a grateful, kind and soft heart. May He forgive them all of their sins and give them Jannat-ul-Firdous. May He never give them Hell. May He give them ease in the grave and on the Day of Judgment. May He make all of us be amongst those whom we all love in Jannah. Ameen.

---------

Ameen, ameen, ameen!

Uhhh, right...I'll get back to you on that!

2011-12-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

What should I say to someone who says religion is the cause of most of the problems in the world because of conflict between pple of different religions,hence they hate each other with a passion. This person believes that the world would be a better place if pple do away with religion? How should I answer them? Thank you and may ALLAH bless you for the help you give to pple. Jaza khum lah khairan.

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh,

Hey there! :D

Guurrll, I totally get where you're coming from. Let me imagine the scenario. You were probably having a discussion with somebody and the person threw this random thought at you (although they might have stated it with utter conviction) and you were just like, "Say what?", since you prolly never thought of what that person suggested as a solution to any problem, or how the world would be if we actually did do away with religion (all in the name of freedom, of course, ;)), and then you weren't able to explain yourself properly, or you tried your best, but you still weren't satisfied with your answer. You might have felt you could have answered in a better way, and if the person was non-Muslim, how you may have lost a da'wah opportunity, and now this is definitely pestering you. I feel for ya!

But it's okay. We're all here to learn from each other (me first!) :).

And to start, let's define religion. A religion is a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects.

First off, I'll be honest, this person to whom you were speaking with doesn't really seem all that smart. They just came up with the first solution that came to their mind without thinking of the dire consequences it would have on humanity. Yes, this person caught you off-guard, but truly think about what he/she said.

"Religion is the cause of most of the problems in the world because of conflict between people of different religions, hence they hate each other with a passion."

If they had thought the suggestion through, they would have realized that their idea is hypocritical and would not rid the world of its problems, but in fact, it would increase them. Think about it, if you had said, "So, hypothetically, say we did get rid of all religions in the world, what then? Would we stop fighting? We'd still have major differences that we'd have to abolish, say, for example, our races and culture. And secondly, ridding the world of religions is a religion in itself (just like atheism), so you'd still be following a religion, and what's worse, you'll be forcing people to follow those beliefs! What happened to the Freedom of Religion, yo?!"

Along with the fact that our liberty would beocme limited, we would be forced to go against our nature, our fitrah. That's oppression.

This would have made them realize that they had just stuck their own foot in their mouth. :P

And then you could cite countless examples throughout history, where culture and race were the causes of war and extreme mistreatment of fellow human beings around the world.

What happened to the Irish when they first came to the U.S.? What happened to the Japanese during WWII? Why were they put in internment camps? What happened to the Jews during the Holocaust? (Hitler was trying to create a "supreme" race, the blue-eyed, blonde-haired Aryans.)

And wait a second! Was it a religion that invented the ATOMIC bomb? The United States (supposedly a secular country) is the only country that used nuclear weapons against a people, killing 30% of a population (Hiroshima).

The reality is that it's not religions that cause destruction.

Instead, most religions set certain guidelines and draw boundaries between what is considered moral or not. Without it, everyone is their own ruler, and people are free to construct their own boundaries...and THAT will lead to conflict because maybe what one person finds ethical, another will not. Or even time; it's relative. That can also change what a person perceives as right or wrong. Take the example of modesty. Who gets to decides what exactly is modest? What a nudist colony would consider modest is drastically different than what people from an average town from the state of Montana would say. Who says one person is right and the other’s definition isn't? Who decides? Well then, who better to tell us than the Creator of both you and I? That is why Allah (God) has told us through the Qur’an and Sunnah (the ways of Muhammad [saw]). Here's your awesome da'wah opp! :D

Also, you could try explaining that just because someone claims to be following a certain religion and hurts others, it doesn't mean that the religion is to blame, rather the individual's twisted interpretation is at fault.

Take this example- if a driver of a Mercedes crashed into a brick wall...would we blame the car? Or the driver? It's the same thing. We can't blame the religion, but the individual who 'twisted' its teachings.....

Finally, we humans will always disagree and have differences, no matter what. That's how Allah (swt) made us. And subhanAllah, these differences are what make us prosper and learn from each other. Take a look at this ayah in Surah al-Hujurat.

"O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that you may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of God is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And God has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things)" 49:13.

And now, I'll tell you a couple more things. Arguments like these are never ending. Some people are relentless.You will keep going around in circles, going crazy out of your mind, and get really frustrated. In my humble opinion, it's just better to know the bare minimum to understand ourselves and explain, because in reality, we have so much more to learn, and so much more to act upon. These philosophical debates can get really confusing, and to be honest, are dangerous waters to tread upon. For the average person, like myself or you, we don't have the knowledge to engage in these debates, so I'd recommend just watching out for yourself. (I got this from my dad, who is a psychiatrist.)

At times like these, it's helpful to have a convo. about the subject with your friends, so you guys can help each other out.That's what I did for this question, 'cuz it wasn't easy to answer. :P But alhamdulillah, I'm really glad you asked.

And if all else fails, say,

"To you be your religion, and to me my religion (Islamic Monotheism)" 109:6.

And finally, make du'aa for yourself, for that person, for all the non-Muslims, for the Ummah, and for each and every person.

"Our Lord, do not make our hearts go astray after You have guided us, and grant us mercy from Yourself. You grant mercy without measure."

Ameen!

I hope this answer helped, inshaAllah! If you still need some more sisterly advice, don't hesitate to ask again and look at the comments. That's what we're here for. :D

Wassalam,
Love,

P.S.: All this stuff about eliminating differences and striving for equality reminded me of "Harrison Bergeron," Fahrenheit 451, and 1984. Have you heard or read any of them? They're great reads! :D They should further clarify for you what will happen if that's the way we move forward just so you have something to think about. I'm going to post a link to "Harrison Bergeron" on the bottom. Happy reading! Let me know what you guys think of it!

Short Story: Harrison Bergeron

Birthdays and that yada yada

2011-12-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

Assalam-o-alaykum Little Aunties =D Even though I was born into a Muslim family, living in an Islamic country, I grew up celebrating birthdays like most of my friends. But now that I am all grown up and more mature and-Alhamdulillah-getting closer to the Deen, I've been trying to give up all the extra practices we have picked up from the Western culture, birthday celebrations being one of them. The problem is people just DO NOT get WHY I have an issue with birthdays. According to them, its 'just a bit of harmless fun' and 'its not like there are any religious connotations' and 'its okay as long as you're just having lunch with friends or family and not throwing extravagant bashes'I have already exhausted the following lines of argument: a) The only days of celebration in Islam are the Eids, who are we to take up extra practices b) By following a people you are putting yourself at risk of being raised up with them on the Day of Judgement
c) It has NO intellectual basis, like what exactly are you celebrating?? =s
(It was one of my friend's birthday today and I told her to give me one good reason to celebrate them and she said there wasn't one but 'it doesn't hurt to have harmless fun' and well I sent her a long text about mindless following of consumerist societies and how being people of reason we should look for reasons for every action of ours etc etc. Needless to say, I didn't receive a reply :D )
Anyway so I was wondering if you could just give me other reasons I can give people and how I can stop people from wishing me and not wish people without offending them (ESPECIALLY aunties in the family who are already wary of my growing 'extremist' practices -_-)JazakAllah Khayr in advance!And *hugs* for the awesome job you guys do!
Tired of Mindless Celebrations

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo, Tired of Mindless Celebrations,
You know, sis, that's a tough question.
I have the same problem, to be honest.
You already wrote all the possible 'excuses' to give....

But, sometimes, 'reasons' just don't make sense to others. Sometimes, it's easier to just tell them the simple truth, like "I follow the Islamic perspective/view that birthdays should not be celebrated. That doesn't mean that I don't care about you, but that I just can't celebrate with you. Instead, I'd love to celebrate with you any other thing like "memorizing Quran, doing well on a test, getting your driver's license, any thing like that. And besides, we can always have get together without even having a reason- my house is your house!"

Once you do that, you need to make sure that you are consistent with all of your friends. You can't go to 'one girl's party' and then not go to another's, right. Keep it as a simple 'rule' and make sure they understand that it's definitely not something personal.

And you gotta go the extra mile :P Bring them surprise gifts, make them goodies, shower them with your 'love' :) That's what I did. If I noticed a friend looking at a pretty purse, I would buy it for her as a surprise....(if I had the cash, LOL). Soon my friends understood that I don't have a problem having fun and that I do care about them....but that I couldn't be a part of something that to me was crossing an Islamic boundary.

As for your aunties, it sure can be tough to face them...but just tell them that you love them so much and that you really appreciate their trying to make you happy, but what would make you happier is if they celebrate with you things like what's written above: memorizing the Quran, getting that "A" in that hard subject, winning a poetry contest, etc. Tell them that SEEING them and having the family over is cause enough to celebrate and that you don't need to wait all the way for someone's birthday to be the reason."Seriously, make that extra effort to be super nice to them and to offer them help in whatever they need- be it to tutor some cousins or run an errand for them.

It might also be easier if you tell your mom first so that she can break the news with your family. Tell her to tell them that when your birthday comes, you'd really appreciate it if they didn't mention it...You can let them know that 'warm wishes' are very nice, but you're more in need of their sincere duas :)

I'm not going to lie to you, though. Some people will think of it as "oh, so extremist".... but with time, when they see you smiling all the time and trying your best to help them with whatever they need, they will come to accept that this is just your attempt to follow Islam. You can also 'tackle' their fear and say that "You're not trying to be extremist. You're not against having fun but you're just trying to follow the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam. He didn't celebrate birthdays- does that make him an extremist?"

Also, I personally put up a note on facebook to tell people that I appreciate those who want to wish me well but that I just don't celebrate birthdays. Alhamdillah, most people understand and remember that.

I'm sorry for such a short reply, but that's all that I could think of. InshaAlalh the other sisters can offer their advice =)

With love,

Bea-YOU-tiful

2011-12-13T10:14:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum dear little auntie,such a good blog you got there,your blog really inspired me.i have one question.
Sometimes,i dont know why is it so hard to me to be grateful with i have,it seems like it never enough.i know,I just need to learn how to be grateful of what I have.I should I should I should! but sometimes i cant,it always happen to me.sometimes,i wish i was pretty like other girls,why they have to be so pretty but im not.why they get better life than me but im not.thank you
Alia

Dear Gorgeous,
I know what you mean. It’s hard being a girl these days. And it can be really hard to feel beautiful. After all, we’re constantly being showered with images of beautiful women and asked to compare ourselves to them. But you know what? You know all of those models on the runway, actresses on television, characters in books, photographs in magazines…those don’t reflect reality. How many women do you know look like that?

GORGEOUS, yes, that's YOU, you need to know something.

Real women have moles, stretch marks, pimples, and dark circles underneath their eyes. Real women have split ends, dandruff, dry skin, etc. Real women have crow’s feet (wrinkles next to their eyes)..wrinkles next to their mouth

Those are real women.

Unfortunately, we live in an airbrushed world, though, where all of this is hidden. And because we don’t see them on TV or other mass media, we start to think that we’re not beautiful, let alone normal. It doesn’t help that there are a number of industries that make their money out of making us feel ungrateful for what we have (eg. The cosmetics industry, plastic surgery industry, etc)
To make matters worse, not only are we taught to look out for “flaws”, but the media often tries to portray one standard of beauty.

But the truth is that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. It really is. I want you to take a look at these pictures.

Which one is the most beautiful to you? Okay, now I want you to ask your sister…your brother…your mother…how about a neighbor? No, I’m not suddenly doing some market research, but I am trying to answer your question. And what I’m trying to reach at is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Did everyone you ask pick the same one? What if you asked 100 people? Do you think they’d all choose the same one?

What one person may consider beautiful, another person may not. Personally, when my niece washes her hair and her cute little curls show, I think she looks absolutely eatable. Her grandmother (from her other side), though, winces and runs to get a brush (and lots of cream). See what I mean? We all see beauty in our own way.

Alhamdulla, there are a number of things you can do, though, so that you start to feel better about yourself.

Remind yourself that Allah, your Lord, fashioned you. The Creator of the heavens and the earth is the One who designed you. Just because you are His Creation, you are already beautiful. I mean sometimes I walk into brand shops and when I look around, I laugh when I think about people actually buying the stuff there (especially for the prices there). But you know what? People do buy it. And they’re proud of it. Because it’s a brand and it was made by Prada, or Chanel, or Dior, for instance. How about you? You were designed by God, Himself? You are, literally, a priceless masterpiece.

And think about this…if someone designed something just for you, a sweater (for instance), wouldn’t you appreciate it? Allah made you the person that you are out of7 billion people. Talk about special! Shouldn't you appreciate that?

2. If you really want to feel grateful, go to a burn unit in a hospital or just look at some pictures online. There are pictures of severe acne and tumors as well that you should probably look at. Or how about pictures of different children born with severe deformities?Darling, if you can’t stomach it, then you have a lot to be grateful for. There are hundreds of thousands of people who wish they could look like you and may never be able to.

3. Sit down and think about what you do like about yourself. Try to concentrate on those features. I want you to pick at least four things that you like. You can even ask your friends. Whenever you feel a little ungrateful, I want you to remind yourself of those features. And remember that Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala says:

“And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed My punishment is severe.'”

4. Think about what you look at. Are you constantly watching shows/ skimming magazines of airbrushed women? Honestly, I once watched a show about women who were suddenly transformed from “ugly ducklings (read- normal people)” into “swans”. You know what? I walked away from that show traumatized. Instead of feeling good about myself, I suddenly began to notice things I never once thought of. (Of course, I stopped watching it after I realized it was haraam).What you watch will affect you.

That also applies to the conversations you have with your friends. Are you guys always talking about looks?

5. Smile! And be nice and accepting of others. The more that you accept others regardless of their color, size, and shape, the more that you change your perspective of beauty. And, that perspective should apply to you, as well…

6. Try not to compare yourself with your friends, sisters, neighbors, etc, unless you think it will make you feel better about yourself. Remind yourself that everyone has different abilities and different blessings. Allah has blessed all of us with different things and different degrees.

And remember, there's always a lot more than you can see. That 'pretty girl' that you think has the perfect life... Who told you that she doesn't go home and cry? Who told you that she doesn't throw up to 'fit into that size 0'? Just because someone is beautiful doesn't mean that their life is perfect, at all. You have to realize that you don't know what goes on in their lives at all.

7. Get rid of any old un-photogenic pictures or clothes that make you feel ugly. You don’t want to keep things that make you feel down.

8. If there are some things that you can do that will help you feel better, do it. If you have bad acne, for example, you might want to see a dermatologist. If you have dandruff, you might want to try a different shampoo. But while you are doing these things, you realize that you still have a lot to be grateful for.

Finally, sister, beauty fades. I’m sure you’ve seen pictures of actresses who’ve grown old…or you know someone yourself who has gotten a little older and you were a little startled to think about how different they look. Why worry so much about something that is bound to fade? Instead, appreciate what you have now while you have it and remember that it’s what’s inside that truly counts. It’s your willingness to help those vulnerable, your thoughtfulness, your patience, your spiritual growth, your impact on those around you, etc that matter.

Always remember..YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

You can also take a look at the Dove Evolution video, too, to see what really happens behind the so called 'beautiful actresses'.

Pictures taken from: http://blogthings.com/whatsyourhiddentalentquiz/

The Deal with ze Brother-in-Law

2011-12-10T20:09:00.001-08:00

Assalamulaykum dear sisters!
First off (and I'm sure you've heard this a lot, but it's really true!) I think your blog is just soo awesome, and everyone on here is amazing for their contributions, may Allah reward you guys InshAllah =D
Okay, so my question is about something pretty misunderstood I think in the Muslim community. I'd like for you to give advice about "the brother-in-law". I know about the hadith that states, "The brother-in-law is (or is like) death!", but honestly, how do we go about the situation? I'm actually the little sister of the scared of mommyhood sis, so you'll understand that my sister just got married Alhamdulilah and the guy will be in my house with us. Thing is, he's in the family and has known me since I was a kid. I think he really does care about me and no doubt sees me as his little sister, so he jokes around with me and all that other stuff. There's absolutely no tension in the relationship and he's the kinda guy that like, NEEDS people around him, talking, laughing, and all lol.
I'm only 14, and he's so much older, but I'd really like to know more about the Islamic perspective. Is it something really that sinful? How do you deal with the problem? Thank you, =)
-Enya

Wa'alaikum salam wa rahmatullah, Enya!

I'm glad you love this blog! I do too! And it's all because of the effort we all put in it together, alhamdulillah. :) May Allah (swt) accept our efforts and keep our intentions pure.

Okay, now getting on to answering the question *rubbing hands together! :P*. I was actually pretty excited about this one because I was in the same situation two years ago (and still am, really). You were right; the brother-in-law is not your mahram. Firstly, I think we should clear up who exactly a mahram is so we're all on the same page. By definition (for a female), a mahram is a male whom a woman can never marry because of close relationship--father, brother, son, gramps, uncle, etc.--and we're not required to cover ourselves in front of them. (Your husband becomes your mahram right after the nikaah.) So that basically means that every other guy out there, including our other male relatives, is not our mahram. Now that's the easy part, innit?

The thing is, most people do know about this, but we tend to make exceptions because of our culture. That's where the confusion comes in, when people start blending the lines between culture and Islam. What we fail to realize is that Islam is our deen; it's a way of life, how we're supposed to live our life. Now that's where the hard part comes in...

So what can you do? I can tell you from experience, this isn't easy, especially since your brother-in-law lives (or will be living) at your house. You obviously can't just pretend he's not there. That would be sorta rude, won't it? What helps me is remembering that he's just like any other non-mahram guy I come across during the day. How do we interact with them? We do our best to make sure those interactions are Public, Purposeful, and Limited. Keeping that in mind helps. Yes, he is my twin's husband. He holds a place dear to her heart, but in reality, for me, he's not my mahram, so it's not my place to become friends with him. (Yes, it will get lonely if your brothers and your sister are in a different room hanging out together with him when they (sister and husband) come over, and you can hear them laughing and having fun, but then, think of all the reward you'll be getting from Allah [swt]. You're going against your nafs to obey a command of Allah's. How awesome is that?) I can just imagine you thinking right now, "So what, am I supposed to ignore him now? Act like I never had that easygoing relationship with him?" Of course not, you can't simply ignore him. He's going to wonder why (I mean, you guys are buddies! You can't expect any less, right?), and you'll answer it's because of the mahram issue, ultimately Islam, to which he might sort of be miffed at. We don't want that, do we? It was through the infinite hikmah (wisdom) of Allah (swt) that he decided our brother-in-laws can't be our mahrams. We might not understand the reasoning behind it, and that's okay. We don't have to. We trust Allah's wisdom. He looks at His creation with seventy times more mercy than a mother does to her child. SubhanAllah! So I think it's most definitely safe to say that Allah (swt) always has our best interests at "heart". :D

You mentioned you're only fourteen. MashaAllah, it's great that you've already given this some thought. Think about it, three years from now, you'll be seventeen. The longer you put this off, the harder it'll become, and if you look on the bright side, if you start now, it'll become easier for the future inshaAllah.

You can start off on your part. If you wear hijaab, make sure you keep it on in front of him. If you wear an abaya, wear a long khimaar/chaadar when he's in the room. Try not to joke around with him. If he does make a joke, maybe smile, but don't encourage him. Try steering clear of his path, and if you do come across him, just exchange pleasantries. Be cordial. :)

It might help to talk to your sister about this, so she can in turn speak with her husband and explain it to him inshaAllah. :) Suggest to her and your parents that it will be better for all involved that their bedroom and bathroom be further apart from yours. If it's possible, maybe even on another floor. This should hopefully limit your contact and avoid any unnecessary bumping into each other.

But now, you've lost a "brother", so to speak, haven't you? If you have any actual brothers, this is a great time to build that relationship with them, or if you don't have brothers, with your dad then. You'd be surprised at how great friends dads can be! Give it a try, inshaAllah! :)

And, by the way, he can still care about you as his wife's younger sister, and he probably still will. I'm sure you're an integral part of your sister's life, so in order to please her, he'll do stuff for you, like, I don't know, maybe if your sister's carving Applebee's Molten Lava Cake one night, and he knows you're in the house, he'll prolly bring one for you too (this is really good stuff!). :P Even better, how about you make/buy them a welcoming gift when they're about to move in?

Lastly, and most importantly, make du'aa. Make lots and lots and lots of du'aa for Allah (swt) to facilitate this for you, forgive you, and keep your intentions pure. Tell Allah (swt) you're breaking off this relationship in order to please Him.

I sincerely hope this answer helped you, Enya. If you still have any more questions about this, you're more than welcome to ask again. And maybe some of our readers have some more advice they can offer on this matter. : )

May Allah (swt) make this easy for you! Seriously, it's not so bad. It may seem a bit daunting at first, but you'll be a pro at this soon enough, inshaAllah! :D

One more thing before I sign off, always remember that the harder your test is from Allah (swt), the greater the reward you'll get, inshaAllah!

Wassalam,

Love,

Why? Oh, why, do you wear that?

2011-12-09T09:57:00.000-08:00

Asalamu 'Alaikum Sisters :)
I love this blog, I can relate to majority of the things posted on here, but this time the problem I'm having isn't really on here, I think.
Alhamdulillah. I've been wearing hijab my entire life, I've been wearing an abaya & jilbab for a while now, and I think I'm ready for niqab, the problem is with my family... they seem to think that the only reason why I cover up so much is because I'm over weight, and it's really starting to get to me, especially since that's not the case, I am a bit chubby, but tall, so it isn't really obvious, and I'm trying so hard to look after myself, and the fact that my family assumes my modest clothing is because of the fact that I'm ashamed of my weight really hurts me and discourages me, to continue in anything... I'd really appreciate if you could help me with any advice you have, so I can continue on without having my motives questioned. Jazakulah Khairun in advance
Discouarged

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

Dearest Discouraged,

awww, sis. Let me offer you a real big hug! I'm really proud of you for choosing to wear jilbab, and even thinking of niqab :)

As for your question, you know, for a real long time, I was in that same boat. (You might even find my signature on it, if you look really hard..I was on it for that long, LOL.)

You see, certain members of my family were convinced that I wore the niqab because I was living in the Gulf. So, a lot of them would talk to me like it was some kind of phase that I was going through, (LOL).

Yeah, that sure was annoying and frustrating....

But you know what? You have to understand what the real issue is.

The real issue here is not your new wardrobe (jilbab). What your family is really struggling to accept is this 'new side of you'. They are having trouble coming to terms with this 'side' of you that sees' 'religion' a little differently from them.

Think about it.

Your parents/family/siblings have known you since you were itty bitty. It's hard for them to realize that maybe they don't 100% know you.

There's another aspect to it, too.

Unfortunately, a lot of our families have pre-conceived notions/ stereotypes about jilbabis/niqabois. They think that 'they're backwards/ won't find husbands/whatever'....

When you willingly go and dress like that...well, they just can't understand that. To them, it's like you decided to go outside with unmatching and rumpled clothes. It just doesn't make sense to them.

So..what to do?

1. Ask yourself why are you doing it?

Sit down for a few moments and think about it.

If it's for Allah's pleasure, then, it doesn't matter what other people think you are doing it for, does it?

I mean, let's imagine someone entered the bathroom when you doing wudu and saw you washing your feet.

Non-Muslims would probably be like "Okay. She must have like some seriously dirty feet/ no water/something."

But would their confusion/ not understanding why you do something, stop you from praying?

(It sure as heck shouldn't!).

It's the same thing here.

You're wearing the jilbab is an act of worship meant for Allah, and not anyone else.

Once you've made certain that this is sincerely for Allah, think of this as a test of your sincerity. It's hard when you feel like no one is 'on your side' and like nobody's encouraging you to go on, but just remind yourself that means even more that your action is only for Allah. Nobody has forced you or even encouraged you- this is an action solely done for the sake of Allah alone. That's rare! So hold on to it. It could even be your ticket to paradise.

They [are those who] fulfill [their] vows and fear a Day whose evil will be widespread. (7) And they give food in spite of love for it to the needy, the orphan, and the captive, (8) [Saying], "We feed you only for the countenance of Allah. We wish not from you reward or gratitude. (9) Indeed, We fear from our Lord a Day austere and distressful." (10) So Allah will protect them from the evil of that Day and give them radiance and happiness (11) And will reward them for what they patiently endured [with] a garden [in Paradise] and silk [garments]. (12) (Sura 76)

Remind yourself of Bilal, under the rock, saying, "Ahud, Ahud". That is what your jilbab is proclaiming. There is One Lord, alone, and He alone is worhty of your worship.

2. Invite their Questioning.

I know, you're fed up of their questions, but you have to accept the fact they are going to ask you questions or else they are going to keep assuming they know the reason why you're wearing it. You can make things easier, by 'inviting' questions.

One way I found helpful is that I would seize Fridays as my 'dress up days'. I would make sure to look extra nice- wear some jewlrey- a nice outfit- maybe a touch of lip gloss...

If your family is anything like my family, they'll be like "Who are you?!!" Just kidding.

They'd be like "Wow, you look great. Why don't you go out like that? It's such a shame no one sees your pretty clothes."

That's when you pounce! :P You seize the chance to talk about how you are wearing the jilbab for the sake of Allah and that you find it to be the most modest hijab out fit/ and how you hope that Allah will appreciate your covering yourself up for His sake and reward you with something so much better. You tell them clearly that you're wearing it because you do not want to be prioritizing this temporary world over the Hereafter. Tell them something like "For me, the jilbab is a constant reminder of my Creator and my purpose in life. The jilbab draws the line for me and helps keep me in check."

In fact, don't just stop at the 'jilbab'. You should think of their questioning as a dawah opportunity. Why not talk more to them about Allah? Paradise? The companions and their struggles? Your jilbab can become a means to bring people closer to Islam, inshaAllah. Share with them what inspires you to worship Allah and what you love about Islam! Putting up simple reminders and lectures for your siblings on facebook, sharing with your family a nice hadith, etc. are also ways that might help.

3. Celebrate
Another way to invite their questioning-- if you're seriously thinking of wearing niqab, is to throw a little 'niqab party'. Really. When I began to wear niqab, I had a little get-together with my friends. IF you show your family that you are celebrating your ability to take this step (jilbab/ niqab/ whatever), they'll understand that you are not doing it out of shame.
And besides, it will probably boost your mood :) Have some friends over, talk about what you're going to do, why you decided to do it, try it on, get used to it....have friends that have already worn it, talk about their best and most inspiring moments...

4. It's an Attitude
Remember, that your 'modesty' should also be reflected in your behavior and not just your clothes. (Something I need to be reminded of!). When your family sees you remembering Allah in everything, what you talk about, what you watch, what you do, they'll realize that your clothing is also another part of your striving to be more God conscious, inshaAllah.

Another way you can do this is by asking your family to help you become a better Muslimah. Explain that you want your whole family- all of you- to be in jannah together, 'so why don't we work together?"

5. Stock up on motivational lectures that encourage you to keep going! Also, be sure to read the hadiths the sister posted in the last post (the game). :)

6. You can also put up a target picture/goal that you want to reach (weightwise)....and have that girl wearing jilbab! Then they'll realize that you're deadly serious. (LOL) But seriously, you can even talk about healthier meals that you want to make, go walking with them, etc. and again tie in the fact that our bodies are a trust from Allah and that is actually a motivating factor for you to become healthier.

And finally, keep this somewhere you can see it, often, inshaAllah :)

"Say: Truly, my prayer, my service of sacrifice, my life and my death, (all) for Allah, The Lord of the Worlds". ( Quran: Chapter 6:Verse:162)

Well, sis, I hope that inshaAllah your family will come to accept it and that each day is easier for you than the last.

May Allah reward you enormously!

The- I- Didn't-Know- That-Game!

2011-12-04T06:35:00.000-08:00

Asalamu aliakaum!

So here's the game.

I post up a hadith/tafisr of Quran/something here and if you have already read it before, you have to write "I already heard that before and put up some other hadith/tafsir/etc". If someone has read THAT, they write 'I've heard that before and then put up a different one"...

And on and on it goes, until we ALL learn something NEW!

(NOTE: please make sure to post authentic, verified hadiths.)

Lowering that Gaze

2011-12-01T23:33:00.000-08:00

"Asalamu alaikum,
Jazakum Allah khair for your awesome blog. It's something I turn to all the time for help and advice.
I have a major problem though. Something has been bothering me for about a year and a half. I'm 14, nearly 15, but I'm desperate like mad to get married. Mostly because I have a major crush issue. I'll see a boy and straight away think, 'wow, that is the guy I want.' My first crush was last year, and since then , I've had nearly 8 big crushes, including two Muslims. How do I deal with these crushes? There really stressing me out. The other point is, I have this weird attachment to guys, they seem to understand me more. These two things make me think more and more, 'I want a husband'. But the way things are going so far, I'm not getting a picture that I'll be able to get married young (meaning 16-18), which is what I want to do badly. And it's really upsetting me. What do I do with myself? I'm stuck and I haven't spoken to anyone, I'm too scared they'll laugh at a 14 year old who wants a husband ASAP, mostly because most my friends are in their twenties, and can be really immature.
Thank you sooooooo much!!! xox"

Dear MsDesperateForMarriage

I want to start of by saying MA SHA ALLAH! By ALLAH I am happy to see young sisters caring enough about the Deen to make their daily decisions based on Islamic ruling.

Alhamdulillah. May Allah bless you for your efforts sis! Ameen.

Do not be scared to ask questions on here sister. We are here to help you, and will never judge, or point our finger and laugh.

Next, I'd like to say, THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL! Allah has made us, so that we are attracted to the opposite sex. It has happened to me, and I'm sure every sister on here as well.
We're attracted to guys (especially cute ones), and it's something natural! How we "handle" our feelings per say, is a different story.

Lowering my gaze

"Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do."

The Noble Qur'an 24:30

Yes, I know it's the thing, most Muslims struggle with. Not only the brothers, but the sisters as well!

It is quite difficult subhan'Allah, but also possible.

First, you have to make a conscious effort to remember this rule. You can do this by putting up the above verse on your laptop, or in some place that you will see it often, inshaAllah. Start your day by looking at these verses :)
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things)”

Remember, this verse is talking to YOU. You're a believer. It's a message for you from Allah.

Second, you just have to try your best to stay out of situations, where there is mass crowding and you are amongst many males.
I assume you are in school,sis. School has such a high amount of Fitnah subhanALLAH. People kissing here, hugging there, FREE-MIXING CENTRAL, as I like to call it, thus making it hard for one to lower their gaze.

You could ask your mom to homeschool you, or at least put you in a female only school, this will help a load. Be honest with your parents. Tell them that you're finding it hard to practice Islam correctly with so much fitna. Check out if there are any Islamic schools that are available and affordable near you.

If that is not possible just use your strongest weapon; Du'a! Allah knows you have tried, and are still trying.

If you keep your intentions pure, and do what you can with the power you have in sha ALLAH you will be rewarded.

“Allah will not change what is in any nation, until they all collectively make a change occur in what is in themselves” [TMQ Ar-Ra'ad: 11].

I also got you some points that will inshaAllah help you to lower your gaze:

1 – Bearing in mind the fact that Allaah is watching you, that He sees you and is with you (by His knowledge) wherever you go. It may be a secretive glance of which your neighbour is unaware, but Allaah knows of it. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Allaah knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the hearts conceal”

[Ghaafir 40:19]

2 – Seeking the help of Allaah, beseeching Him and calling upon Him (du’aa’). Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And your Lord said: Invoke Me and ask Me[ for anything] I will respond to your (invocation).”

[Ghaafir 40:60]

3 – You should know that every blessing you enjoy comes from Allaah, and requires that you should give thanks. Part of the gratitude for the blessing of sight means that you should protect it from looking at that which Allaah has forbidden. Is there any reward for good, other than good? [cf. al-Rahmaan 55:60] Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And whatever of blessings and good things you have, it is from Allaah”

[al-Nahl 16:53]

4 – Striving with your self and training yourself to lower your gaze and be patient in doing so, and not giving up. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning:

“As for those who strive hard in Us (Our Cause), We will surely guide them to Our paths (i.e. Allaah’s religion — Islamic Monotheism)”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:69]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever seeks to be chaste, Allaah will make him chaste, and whoever seeks to be independent of means, Allaah will make him independent of means, and whoever strives to be patient, Allaah will make him patient…” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1400)

5 – Avoiding places where a person feels he will be exposed to the temptation of looking, if he can manage to avoid them, such as going to marketplaces or malls, and sitting in the street.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of sitting in the street.” They said, “We have no alternative; that is where we sit and talk.” He said, “If you insist on sitting there, then give the street its rights.” They said, “What are the rights of the street?” He said, “Lowering the gaze and refraining from causing offence…” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2333; Muslim, 2121).

6 – You should realize that you have no choice in this matter, regardless of what the circumstances are and no matter how great the temptation or motive to do evil, and no matter what emotions and overwhelming desires stir in your heart. You must lower your gaze and refrain from looking at haraam things in all places and at all times. You cannot use excuses such as the environment being corrupt or justify your mistakes by saying that there is a lot of temptation around. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“It is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allaah and His Messenger have decreed a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed into a plain error”

[al-Ahzaab 33:36]

7 – Doing a lot of naafil acts of worship, because doing a lot of them whilst also regularly doing obligatory acts of worship is a means of protecting one's physical faculties.

According to a hadeeth qudsi, Allaah said: “… and My slave continues to draw close to Me with supererogatory (naafil) works so that I shall love him. And when I love him, I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask (something) of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it.” (al-Bukhaari, 6137

8 – Remembering that the earth on which sin is committed will bear witness. Allaah says:

“That Day it will declare its information (about all that happened over it of good or evil)”

[al-Zalzalah 99:4]

9 – Remembering the angels who are recording your deeds. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But verily, over you (are appointed angels in charge of mankind) to watch you,
Kiraaman (Honourable) Kaatibeen —writing down (your deeds),
They know all that you do”

[al-Infitaar 82:10-12]

11 – Avoiding looking unnecessarily, so that you only look at what you need to look at, and you do not let your gaze wander right and left so that it falls upon something the effects and fitnah of which cannot be got rid of quickly.

12 – Marriage, which is one of the most effective remedies. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and in guarding one’s chastity. And whoever cannot afford it, let him fast, for it will be a shield for him.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1806; Muslim, 1400).

13 – Fasting – because of the hadeeth quoted above.

14 – Doing obligatory acts of worship as Allaah has commanded, such as prayer. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Verily, As‑Salaah (the prayer) prevents from Al‑Fahshaa’ (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse) and Al‑Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed)”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:45]

16 – Bearing in mind the shortcomings of the one who is looked at and the filth and waste material they carry in their gut.

17 – Being ambitious and focusing on nobler things.

18 – Checking on yourself from time to time and striving to make yourself lower your gaze whilst realizing that everyone makes mistakes.

19 – Thinking of the pain and regret that will result from this looking, and the effects of letting one’s gaze wander.

20 – Understanding the benefits of lowering one's gaze, as mentioned above.

21 – Bringing up this topic in meetings and gatherings, and explaining its dangers.

22 – Advising your relatives, telling them not to wear clothes that attract attention and show their attractions, such as how they dress, wearing bright colours, how they walk, speaking too softly, etc.

23 – Warding off passing thoughts and whispers from the Shaytaan before they take hold and are acted upon. Whoever lowers his gaze after the first glance will be saved from innumerable problems, but if he keeps looking he cannot be certain that seeds that will be difficult to remove will not be planted in his heart.

25 – Being afraid of a bad end, and of feeling regret at the point of death.

26 – Keeping company with good people, because you are naturally affected by the characteristics of the people you mix with, and a person will follow the way of his close friend, and a friend will pull you to follow his way.

27 – Knowing that the zina of the eye is looking, and that should be sufficient to put you off.

(Adapted from an essay entitled Ghadd al-Basr (Lowering the Gaze) by a student of sharee’ah.)

Not all of these may apply to you, but in sha ALLAH, many of them will be of benefit. I have used this myself deem it very beneficial.

Okay, what about the part of having guy friends.

Sister, the Prophet said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third."
Hadith - Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi 3118, Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab , Tirmidhi transmitted it.

This tells us that when a man and a woman are alone in a room/secluded area, they are not really alone. Shaytaan is ALWAYS there!

I'm sorry to pop the bubbles of sisters whom think that "Boys and girls can be friends, we're not dating or anything. JUST FRIENDS!"
By Allah I tell you this doesn't work. Something always happens, ALWAYS. Be it that you start to develop feelings for one another, or that you even take it to the stop of committing Zina! Authubillah.

I am in no way saying, that you have impure intentions. No,no,no. Something that can start with the purest of intentions, can easily turn into evil by the tricks which Shaytaan can play on you. Here is the popular story of Barseesa (read the link)

The point of the story is, you might think at the beginning that what you are doing is fine and that you can keep check on your emotions and everything, but you don’t know where this will lead to. Shaitan didn’t come to Barseesa directly and tell him to commit zina or murder, rather he took the softly-softly approach, and Barseesa fell for it. This is why islam doesn’t only forbid acts of indecency but it also forbids actions leading to it!

When Allah has said that shaytan is an avowed enemy to you and we dont understand all his little ways that he uses to trap us, why open the door for him…

SUBHANALLAH! Even, this very pious man, was tricked by Shaytaan!

"The other point is, I have this weird attachment to guys, they seem to understand me more."

Look around for those sisters that that are interested in the same things as you. Look for Sisters on the Deen so that you may benefit from them in sha Allah.
IF the girls around you don't want to talk about politics/sports or whatever it is that the guys around you talk about, talk to your brother, father, uncles about it.

But other than that, it is of no benefit to you to have guy friends, and will actually make this situation harder for you.

Let's face it. You guys will become friends, and maybe then more than friends.... and later start to get either a sexual attraction, or some sort of attachment towards them.

It will bring ONLY pain, and will lead you away from Allah (SWT) and may even cause you to stray from the path. Authubillah.

If you can't find sisters, try looking online. ( Although you must be careful )
You have me, and all the sisters on here. I can say for myself, I love meeting new sisters, and it brings joy to me to speak with them.

At this point you may be wondering, " Oh My Allah, she expects me to stop talking to ALL MY FRIENDS! How will I tell them?! What are people going to think about this, I'll be SO EMBARRASSED!"

How did I know this? I have been through the exact same thing myself. I've had male friends in the past, whom I've had to let go. Some fairly religious, some not religious, and some Non-Muslims as well. I told them all the same thing "I value our friend ship, yada yada yada, but my religion is WAY more important to me."

You explain to them why and what prohibits you from speaking with them, and if they're curious enough give them some links. It will be a little bonus Daw'ah as well In shaa Allah ;)

It is easier said than done yes, but it is a step you have to take. Not because I am telling you, but for the Sake of ALLAH.
I only advise you, because I love you for the sake of ALLAH and I want the best for you, just as I'd want the best for myself ;
Jannah.

What about getting married young?

Marriage at an early age is encouraged in Islaam.

Allah's Apostle said, "O Young people! Whoever among you can marry , should marry , because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. hisprivate parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry , should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."

(Book #62 , Hadith #4 )

Remind yourself that marriage is a big big responsibility, and it comes with a lot of work. Indeed the best way to stay away from Zina' is Nikkah, but at this point we both know it is not an option unfortunately. The law won't allow it, and most likely nor will your parents.

But, once you're 16 or so, you can broach the topic with your parents. If they feel that school/studies should be your main priority then show them this video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYGWrdCRlsI and speak to them about in in sha ALLAH. Explain to them how hard it is to abstain from Zina' and Haraam in the west ( Where I suppose you live ) and that you want to what benefits your Deen the most.

Don't, and I repeat, don't, start 'looking for marriage partners', yourself, and end up speaking with a brother via fb/msn and stray from the path. Authubillah. It is extremely common subhanALLAH, and we need to be aware of this sisters. This infamous marriage craziness is driving all of our sisters mad hehe! (Too much romance movies I think)

Some easy steps to refrain from that (Haraam Relationship) would be ;

1) Keep your Facebook to females and Mehram men only.
2) If a brother/male messages you on Facebook, do not reply, unless necessary.
3) DO NOT FALL FOR SWEET TALK! If he's pious, he would not be harassing sisters on Facebook. Le common sense.
4) Fast, and make Du'a to ALLAH for strength and guidance.

In conclusion; In sha ALLAH, if you are so serious about Nikkah, then speak to your family. (mother,father,sister,etc) Let them know your intentions, so at least they are aware.

I hope that this is of some benefit to you, and that you remember me in your Du'as.
I am willing to personally discuss this with you in sha Allah.
May ALLAH Ta'ala ease your situation, give you strength, and when the time is write, grant you a pious husband. Ameen Ya Rab.

The heartache...

2011-12-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaykum dear sis,
one year aga, a brother and i agreed to get married in the future..however last week he decided to call it off since his parents object the idea of inter-culture marriage...and this is very difficult for me...alhamdulilah ala kuli hal..i want to move on but part of me was afraid of changes and still have hope that it will happen in the long future...it feels that i cudnt make any decision...

i ask Allah to turn my heart away, but why the hope is still there..i dont want the things that Allah has never written for me..I just want Allah to be please with me....

what should i do?

Please make doa for me

jazakallah khayran...

miss confuse

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,

Dearest Miss Confused,

I was heartbroken when I received your e-mail. I can imagine how excited you were about 'your marriage'.....One whole year! I can imagine that you were already preparing your life for marriage, imaging your family together, planning even maybe your children's names.

So, I was definitely very sad for you when I received the e-mail. I was disappointed to read that the issue of 'interracial' marriage and his parent's agreement hadn't come up before.

But now, habibti, as harsh as this sounds (and I know it's a bitter pill to swallow), is the part that has to do with you.
You have to understand that you went about it the wrong way. As soon as this brother came to you, you should have given him your wali's number/e-mail. There's no such thing as you and him promising each other to get married....Your agreement should have been openly made and it should have involved your parents right from the beginning.

You would have been spared all this heart ache....You would have not wasted a year of your life on a broken promise. Your heart and mind would be open to other people...

I know that it hurts to read that, but I had to tell you that (and the sisters reading this)so that the next time someone comes to you, you know how to react and the lesson that you have to take away from this experience.

That said, let me offer you a hug!

As for what you're going to do now, you're going to have to give yourself some time.You can’t be expected to get over all your feelings at once…..you spent a long time, envisioning a future with him. It will definitely take time to get over him…

1. You need to decide that you can/ will get over him. It's natural to 'hope' that you will get back together, but you just have to remind yourself of the facts of the situation.
A: He has told you clearly that his parents will not agree to the marriage
B. He's called it off.
C. (It sounds like he never talked to your parents in the first place)/

That means, it's time to accept the present and hope for a different future.

2. Get rid of anything that reminds you of him so that you don’t open the wounds all over again..

Get rid of his e-mail/ telephone number/ presents/ etc. Delete any of his old e-mails, messages, anything that you have of him.

Put it away all in a box and tell it goodbye. Bury that box/ throw it in the garbage/ etc.

3. Write down what you really liked about him. What are the qualities that you were attracted to? Once you've written them down in a list form (e.g. prays 5 times, nice to his mother, has a sense of humor, is gentle), sit down and examine them. Are these only his qualities?

No, they're not.

These are QUALITIES and they are not owned by him/ found only in him. You will find those qualities again in a different person. A better person. Someone meant only for you, inshaAllah.

4. Don't be too alone during this time. Keep yourself occupied so that you don't have time to let your mind wander to thoughts of him. Volunteer somewhere, help the poor people during this 'cold winter time', read new books....Start doing the things you kept delaying and wanted to do. Join a halaqah! Seek knowledge.

5. What else? Write down your own wonderful qualities. What do you like about yourself? What can you bring to a marriage? The reason why I say this is because all too often when you are 'left' by someone, it's easy start to blame yourself and wonder if you are are unworthy/bad in some way. You are not 'bad'. You just have a different future, a different person in store for you.

6. Make Dua. Make dua that Allah grants you someone better, inshaAllah. I know that you told me to make dua for you, but the most important thing is for YOU to make dua for yourself.

May Allah make things easier for you.

Sisters reading this...if any of you have also 'promised' a brother to marry him, take this warning seriously. I know how easily we can dismiss other people's stories..."That would never happen to me. He's different. I'm different...' but why take the chance? Islamically it has been made very clear that a girl's wali must be involved; this is for YOUR OWN protection and happiness. WALLAHI, sisters, there is no reason for me to say this except that I love each and every one of you and do not want anyone to taste the sadness that this sister must be going through.

Caught in the Net

2011-11-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

I'm in need of advice.
I've stopped watching tv,Alhumdulillah.. All the good things i do now i owe it to Allah.. like I read 5 times..started wearing hijab, alhumdulillah, I dont listen to music anymore, etc etc.. But suddenly I've got addicted like crazy to internet!! Like BADLY!!! It's not like I do anything bad .. I just read updates from islamic pages on fb.. I read articles on all other islamic blogs and sites I come across..! But i'm doing this in excess.. like now I shud be studying for my exam tmrw .. but instead im here on net .. and i just cant seem to get myself off it! I've spent hours since morning on net!! I'm hating it..! I'm delaying my prayers coz of it.. and I feel if I dont work on it asap .. It'l spoil my relationship with Allah!! .. And then i cant think of anything that I can do without the internet .. which will keep my day productive.. I dont go out either! I do nothing .. I just eat and open my laptop and surf surf and surf net!! It's getting on my nerves but i just CANT seem to get over this addiction..! What do I do? How else can I keep myself closer to Allah?..and What can I do to get over this! I was recently hired for a islamic website too as a writer now I am all the more worried that i'll have more reasons to sit on net.. and u know my addiction might increase! What can I do to keep my surfing on net productive.. even though it is prod now since all i do is read islamic stuff etc.. but I dont know.. It doesnt seem right!!.. I log in and log on million times unnecessarily!! Because of this I dont do anything else during the day!! UGH! Please advice!! and pray for me!!!
I couldnt find any similar question or may be I missed out on something.. if any similar question is already answered please direct me to the link!

Dear Sister,

I just want to say that I’m very proud of you! Sounds like you’ve really been working on improving, yourself. It’s great to hear that you have begun praying 5 times and wearing hijaab. And it’s equally impressive that you’ve stopped watching TV and listening to music. Seriously, you should be proud of yourself. May Allah keep you steadfast and may He continue to guide you to what He loves.

About the Internet….It’s great to hear that you enjoy surfing Islamic sites. And I know how hard it can be to get off once you log on! But the truth is that surfing Islamic sites is not the only way to strengthen your relationship with Allah. That’s only one way. Sitting down at home in front of a laptop all day is definitely not good for your body. And I’m pretty sure your family misses you….Not to mention the fact that your prayers are starting to be affected.

Alhamdullila, you recognize all of this and just want a little push in the right direction.

The first thing you need to do is to remind yourself that Islam is a very practical religion and it recognizes that just like we have rights, Allah has rights over us, our bodies have rights over us, and our families have rights over us.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once asked a companion:

"(Is it true) that you fast all day and stand in prayer all night?" The companion replied that the report was indeed true. The Prophet then said: "Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave (it) at other times. Stand up for prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you." - Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 7, Hadith 127

Second of all, you need to try to brainstorm of other ways to get closer to Allah. Right now, you're suffering from what I call the laptop crutch, where you are using the laptop as your means to becoming a better Muslim. But you don't need your laptop! Just remember that.

Here are some ways I thought up of that you can do (and remember, I want you to try these methods without the LAPTOP):

Reading Quran and its tafseer
(Ibn Mas`ud (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "Whoever recites a letter from the Book of Allah, he will be credited with a good deed, and a good deed gets a ten-fold reward. I do not say that Alif-Lam-Mim is one letter, but Alif is a letter, Lam is a letter and Mim is a letter.'')
Making dhikr. There are so many hadiths about the excellence of dhikr.
For example: Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: “He who uttered these words: There is no god but Allah, the One, having no partner with Him. Sovereignty belongs to Him and all the praise is due to Him, and He is Potent over everything" one hundred times every day there is a reward of emancipating ten slaves for him, and there are recorded hundred virtues to his credit, and hundred vices are blotted out from his scroll, and that is a safeguard for him against the Satan on that day till evening and no one brings anything more excellent than this, except one who has done more than this (who utters these words more than one hundred times and does more good acts) and he who utters: Glory be to Allah, and all praise is due to Him, one hundred times a day, his sins are obliterated even if they are equal to the extent of the foam of the ocean.

3. Fasting extra days.

The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Allah said: ‘Every deed of the son of Adam is for him except fasting; it is for Me and I shall reward for it…’” [Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

4. Making dua :

“And when My servants ask Thee (O’ Prophet) about Me, then verily I am near, I answer the prayer (Dua) of the supplicant when he beseeches unto Me. So let them hear My call, and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright.” S. 2: 186

Think about the fact that no matter how many articles you read, none of the writers know your exact history/ your sins. Only you and Allah know, so turn directly to Him and talk directly to Him. Don't let the laptop or any daee be your intermediary between you and Allah. The more you talk to Allah directly, the better your relationship with Him.

5. Working on your relationship with your parents.

Prophet Mohammed (sallah Allah alayhee wa salaam) said: “The pleasure of the Lord is the pleasure of a parent, and the wrath of the Lord is the wrath of a parent.”

6. Trying to help someone else: (I think you even posted this before here...)

Abû Hurayrah relates that Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Whoever removes one of the hardships of a believing soul, Allah will remove from him one of the distresses on the Hereafter. Whoever solves someone else's problem, Allah will make things easy for him in this world and the Hereafter… Allah is ever assisting His servant as long as that servant is helping his brother.” [Sahîh Muslim (4867)]

So as you can see, there are a lot of other ways to get closer to Allah. What you need to try to do is to make sure that you’re using the Internet productively, as you said. To do that, there are a couple of steps.

- Number One: Decide that you are going to go online only after you have finished most of your school work. This is also a good idea so that you don’t keep checking the same links/ sites endlessly. That’s not really that productive. Instead, decide that you are only going to check the sites one time. Make some kind of reward/ punishment system so that you stick to it.

- Number Two: You need to give yourself a time limit and stick to it. You said that you were hired as a writer on an Islamic site. It would be a good idea to ask the admin about how much time they expect you to spend and how many pieces will you have to write. Two and a half hours a day might be a good number to start off with. With a time limit, you’ll prioritize and look at the things that really interest you. To stick to the limit, think about asking a parent/ sibling to remind you when time is up. You could even shut your laptop or computer. If that’s not your thing, you can check out some programs like EzInternet Timer or TimeUpKidz, though they cost money.

- Number Three: Try to get active at your local masjid. Think about joining a Quran halaqa. Or if you want, you could try to get a group of girls together. Every week, you could read from a tafseer together. Or how about creating an Islamic book club? You guys could recommend good Islamic books and lend them to each other. It’s important that you start meeting other practicing people besides our online friends and that you get out of the house every once in a while. (I’d even suggest having some sort of daily exercise plan)

Finally, check out this link to learn more about being addicted to the Internet:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/internet_cybersex_addiction.htm (And yes, I do see the irony of telling yo to check a site out, lol). inshaAllah also, our readers can help a bit, too :)

Lots of love,

Meet my 14 year old sister :)

2011-11-25T23:27:00.000-08:00

Asalamu aliakuam wa rahhmatullah wa barkatoo!

Well sisters, it's 1433! (That's the year according to the Islamic calendar.) I thought we could start this year with a little inspiration, so this is an interview with a 14 year old Khadeejah (also known as Revert Muslimah). Just who is Khadeeja and what is her story? :)Read to find out more!

An Interview

Little Auntie: "Tell us a little about yourself". :)

Khadeejah: "Well, my name is Khadeejah, I'm 14 and I live in Canada.
I'm the middle child ( there's 3 of us ) and the only Muslim in my family, yet.
Alhamdulillah I said my Shahadah on January 11th 2010, have been "lovin' the Deen" since then! :)
I speak Spanish,English and French but know a little bit of Urdu and Arabic.
I love learning new languages, reading and gaining knowledge."

Little Auntie: Wow, 14 years old! And you said your Shahada almost two years ago! So that would make you 12 when you took your Shahada, ma'shaAllah. Can you tell us, what made you interested in Islam?

Khadeejah: I've always been interested in religion, ever since I was a child. I'd always ask my grandmother questions about Christianity, which is the religion she preached but didn't follow.
She could never answer my questions, and told me not even the priest could.
I found it odd, but I was young, and I moved on.

In the 6th grade, I started thinking again.
About our existence, our purpose. It felt odd that we were just supposed to live, and die. Without any real task, per say.
So I started asking fellow classmates about their religions.
Most of them just said they went to their place of worship, celebrated religious holidays, but didn't really know much about it.
I went on to asking them if they could give me books, but SubhanALLAH, only Muslims were kind enough to give me books.
They would even miss their lunch hours, to answer my questions and concerns, for which I was very grateful.

I did some research online, and I was sure that Islaam was the truth. I was sure that I wanted to be a Muslim.
My heart, my mind, everything told me, THIS IS THE TRUTH!
Unfortunately, something kept me back. FEAR.
I was scared of what everybody would think. What my parents would do if they found out.
The popular girl, a mozlam?! Their daughter, a terrorist?!
Yet again, I let it go. The difference being, I was heartbroken.

In 7th grade, I started hanging out with a few Muslim sisters. Although not very practising, they still held "most" Islamic values.
Of course, I still had my other friends but they started to shun me as they saw me slowly change.
I stopped going to school dances. I started wearing long, loose clothing.
I no longer spoke to boys, in the way which I used to.
Everybody was confused. People at school thought I was doing it for my friends, my family and teachers believed I was raped, and to this day still do so.
A few months later, on January 11th 2010 Alhamdulillah I said my Shahadah.

I remember the day very clearly.
I skipped school to do it. It was a Monday I believe, and the time was around 6:30pm.
My heart vigorously beating in my chest. It felt as though it might escape any second!
Tears flowing down my face, I managed to stumble out the words "Ash HaduAllaa Ilaaha Il-lallaah Wa Ash Hadu Anna Muhabbadur Rasullalah"
The testimony of faith, that would change my life forever...

Little Auntie: Takbir! Allahu Akbar! Praise be to Allah, the Almighty!

SubhanAllah, your story made me really emotional. I think fear is something that keeps a lot of us from doing what we know is right. Alhamdillah that you were able to overcome that fear! You said that your family and teachers believed that you were doing it for your friends. What did your friends think?

Khadeejah: My Muslim friends were shocked, but at the same time happy. That was only at first. Later on as I started taking the Deen more seriously, started Hijaab, etc, they weren't as thrilled.
They still to this day tell me I need to "calm down" and "Have fun" subhanAllah.
The non-Muslim ones just slowly stopped talking to me, and just now have started to get comfortable enough to ask me questions.
Overall, I lost most of my friends but Alhamdulillah made new ones who help me get closer to Allah with daily remembrance, and those are the true friends.

Little Auntie: I'm sorry to hear that you lost some of your friends or that you were Muslims friends weren't 'as thrilled'. It sounds like you went through a lot when you became a Muslim. What do you think was the hardest point you faced?

Khadeejah: I think the hardest point I faced, and to this day still face is with my family.
Getting them to understand me, accept me.
They still don't approve of my Hijaab, and I have to be sneaky about it.
The countless times that I was caught, and my hijaabs/jilbaabs were thrown away I cannot count with both hands.
Apart from that is the emotional toll that their disapproval takes on me.
I've been called a "failure" and many similar things by all of my family members, and soon you begin to believe it.
You begin to think of yourself as a loser, the black sheep, when really Alhamdulillah it's a good thing :)
Alhamdulillah, things are getting better but please remember me in your Du'as inshaAllah.

Little Auntie: What kept you from giving up?

Khadeejah: To be honest, I don't know.
Something just always raised my Imaan and I got back on my feet.
I would realize how foolish I was being, and kept reminding myself that this is my test from ALLAH Ta'ala and ;

Verily, With Hardship Comes Ease (Surah al-Sharh,94)

I'd be depressed for sometime of course, but then I'd read Qur'aan and make Du'a and suddenly I felt much better.
My reason to live, my love and devotion for Islam and my fear for Allah (SWT) always overcame any sadness or fear of what my parents might do.

Little Auntie: Alhamdulillah!!! SubhanAllah! Khadeejah, can I give you a big hug? I know this test has been hard for you but I pray that it will elevate your ranks and that you will be united with Khadeejah, the wife of Prophet Mohammed and Prophet Mohammed in jannatul firdaous. I wish too that I could meet you...if not not, also in jannah <3 And one last thing! I want you to know that you're not a black sheep or a loser or anything like that and that you are right. Verily with hardship comes ease. You're someone incredibly special.

I am honored to be able to call you my sister.

-----------------

(Sisters, ask yourelf: What's stopping you? What are you afraid of? If Khadeejah can do it, why can't you? Let this year.....be the year of change!)

Inna Lilahee Wa Inna Ilayhee Rahjoun.

2011-11-25T08:37:00.000-08:00

Asalamu Alaykum sisters,

It has been a little over a week since my grandmother has died, Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. She has lived with us my entire life and raised us while our parents were working. I understand that it was her time to go, but it still really hurts to have someone who you would talk to everyday be gone. She died here in our home with us and many others home. My question is what kind of dua can I read for her? I feel like I'm constantly repeating the same thing...and I only speak english, is that okay? (like, Oh Allah forgive her, have mercy on her, make her grave spacious) But is there something I can read that will really benefit her? And is it true that when I speak of someone who has passed they can hear me? And I've heard mixed opinions about visiting the grave, which I would love to do if I don't get punished for it. Also is it okay to ask Allah to allow you to have a dream of them? Just to see how they are? I guess in short what I'm really trying to ask is what can I do for her now that she is gone. I want her to know that I will always love her and not forget her.

JazakAllah Khair,
Grandma's girl.

wa'alykum as salam rahmatullah wa barkatoo,
Dearest Grandma's Girl,

To Allah, we belong and to Him we return. Inna lilahee wa inna ilayhee rajoun! I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother’s death. I can tell you were really close to your grandmother, and it must really hurt now that she’s gone. Big hug!

I want you, though, to take a good look at the pictures below. Aren't they beautiful?

Just in case you were wondering those are pictures of the Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe.

Now, I want you to think about how beautiful jannah is. We can’t even begin to imagine it. Jannah was designed by God for those He loves the most. InshaAllah your grandmother has started her journey to that place which is a million times more beautiful than those pictures…inshaAllah her grave is a garden of paradise :)

Does that mean you can’t grieve? No, it doesn’t. When Prophet Mohammed’s son, Ibrahim, died, the Prophet (sallah Allaha alayhee wa salaam) said:

The Eyes Tear, the heart is in pain, but (with my tongue) I will only say that which is pleasing to Allah. And we are indeed sad at your departure, O Ibraheem.

But it is important to be patient and to remember that we were all brought here temporarily. No one is going to live forever. It’s not how long that we lives that matters. It’s the quality of our lives and whether or not we will be granted jannah that ultimately are important

In a hadith qudsi, Allah (mighty and sublime be He) said:

My faithful servant's reward from Me, if I have taken to Me his best friend from amongst the inhabitants of the world and he has then borne it patiently for My sake, shall be nothing less than Paradise. It was related by al-Bukhari.

The Qur'an also says:

And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, (155)Who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return." (156) Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided.

As for your questions, there are a few differences of opinions on some of them....so I think I'll stick to the one that says "What can you do for her?"

The prophet summed up to us the things that we can do for the deceased in one really important hadith. He said:

“When a person dies, all his good deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, or beneficial knowledge, or a righteous child who will pray for him.”

Alhamdillah, like you are already doing for her, the fundamental thing is to be making dua for her. I thought I would give you some duas that you can also say (although my book says during the Funeral Prayer, but I haven't heard that it is only restrictive the funeral prayer) with their Arabic transliteration:

O Allah, surely [name the person] is under Your protection, and in the rope of Your security, so save him from the trial of the grave and from the punishment of the Fire. You fulfill promises and grant rights, so forgive him and have mercy on him. Surely You are Most Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Reference: Ibn Majah, Abu Dawud 3/211. See also Al Albani, Sahih Ibn Majah 1/251.

Allaahumma 'inna [name the person] fee thimmatika, wa habli jiwaarika, faqihi min fitnatil-qabri wa 'athaabin-naari, wa 'Anta 'ahlul-wafaa'i walhaqqi. Faghfir lahu warhaw.hu 'innaka 'Antal-Ghafoorur-Raheem.

O Allah, forgive him and have mercy on him and give him strength and pardon him. Be generous to him and cause his entrance to be wide and wash him with water and snow and hail. Cleanse him of his transgressions as white cloth is cleansed of stains.

O Allah, Your male slave/female slave and the child of Your female slave is in need of Your mercy , and You are not in need of his torment . If he/she was pious then increase his/her rewards and if he/she was a transgressor then pardon him/her.

Allaahumma 'abduka wabnu 'amatika ihtaaja 'ilaa rahmatika, wa 'Anta ghaniyyun 'an 'athaabihi, 'in kaana muhsinan fazid fee hasanaatihi, wa 'in kaana musee'an fatajaawaz 'anhu.

What else can you do for her?
Charity....!

Ibn 'Abbas rahimahullaah reported that Sa'd bin 'Ubadah's mother died during his absence on a trip. He came to the Prophet sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam and asked him, "O Allaah's Messenger! My mother has passed away during my absence. Would it be of benefit to her if I give sadaqah on her behalf?" He sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam replied, "Yes!" He said, "Be my witness then that I give my fruitful garden as sadaqah on her behalf."

The door to charity is wide open. There are lots of things you can do for her, inshaAllah. You can give money to an orphanage, hospital, charity organization in her name. You can feed the poor, donate clothes, even help an engaged couple get married, etc. You can talk to your family about doing a big project for your grandmother, such as 'building a mosque' or well.

You can buy some Quran's and pass them out to people. InshaAllah each time someone reads even just a harf or letter in the Quran, your grandmother will be rewarded. You can also give out beneficial tapes and leave them in mosques. You can also talk to your family about someone doing Umrah for her, inshaAllah.

Of course you should also make sure that your grandmother has no debts that need to be cleared (and that includes even "Hajj"). If she does, you need to start with those immediately, inshaAllah.

I would also like to request all the sisters here to make dua for our sister's grandmother and for all the deceased. Please take a moment or two to remember the people who have gone ahead of us and to pray that Allah grants them His Mercy and that we are reunited under His Throne.

Just a little Jealous (of non-hijabis)

2011-11-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Little Aunties,
I'm hoping you can help me a bit. If I were to be truly honest with myself, I think I’ve been feeling jealous from non-hijabis. I definitely don’t like that I feel this way. Also, I have a friend who doesn’t dress like me,she’s more of cousin than a friend,she’s started wearing the hijab now but still wears tight clothings –and this’s stupid-I get jealous ‘cos she’s more beautiful than me and more confident.And I feel highly bad and take it personal when pple make fun of me especially in Public.

Dear A Wee Bit Jealous,

Picture this.

It's one of those family dinner things where everyone says that they want to meet each other and yet, all the aunties, cousins and girls are sitting down competing with each other on who can look the best.

A young woman leaves her house with some make-up on, maybe a hint of earrings showing, her stylish yet tight clothes (+hijab) and her beautiful smile, and steps into the family gathering. She walks in and everyone greets her with returning smiles and salaams. On the surface, it looks like she's enjoying herself tremendously.
.
A little, while later, another young woman enters the house, wearing all black. She has a black niqab, black khimar, black abaya. She has no make-up on. She smiles but it's a little forced- and she's a little scared. She's come to dread a bit these family gatherings where everyone is dressed to the nines and people still question her decision to 'keep it black'. She looks for anyone to sit next to ...someone she can talk to.Finally, she finds someone she can enjoy discussing a few things with. She sits back and laughs.

The two young women sit down and talk with each other as they are actually good friends and relatives. Soon, enough, it is time to go home.

That second woman is ME.

That first woman is a real friend of mine.

Now, that was the first part of the story. But it wasn't the whole story. A few weeks later, I had a real heart to heart conversation with my friend. It went something like this:

"You know, you really make me feel ashamed, whenever you show up at the family gatherings and I see the way you're dressed," she said.
"What? Ashamed?" I asked incredulously.
"Yeah...any person with a sense of decency would feel ashamed when you come along. Just look at the way you're dressed and the excuse I wear for hijab. You always make me go home, feeling guilty. I wish I had the courage to dress like you."

I was dumbfounded. As she talked, tears were literally forming in my eyes. I told her...

"I don't mean to make you feel ashamed or guilty. But I don't understand though why some people try to make me feel ashamed for choosing to wear niqab or trying to please Allah. That's what gets me. That's what hurts."
She said, simply and very matter of factly- "Because they can't do it."

Now I am not telling you this story to backlash hijabis/ different hijab styles/ non-hijabis/ or whatever.

I am telling you this story for you to know some really important facts:

Those girls that you're jealous of....that cousin that you're jealous of, actually might want to be like YOU. You never know. You might think she's confident but in reality, she could be very insecure. You don't know what's going on in her mind or heart.

Just by standing outside, you never know who you are inspiring to change.

You see, sweetie, true confidence doesn't come from the number of people who whistle at you or compliment you on your latest hair style. True confidence comes from accepting your past, embracing your future, knowing your strengths, tackling your weaknesses and liking who you are in the present.

It comes from the inside and not the outside.

True confidence comes from trusting in the Creator- knowing that He is watching you, guarding you, protecting you. It comes from having the faith that when you step outside that door, the angels are right there beside you and that they are recording what you are wearing, who you are smiling at, what you are doing.

It comes from being able to do what is right, despite what the popular media tells us. Sometimes, it takes time to become something natural, but the more times you do what is right, the more confident you will be.

Seriously, did you ever see this video we have in the recommended page?

Now,that is confidence.

To stand in the street and pray...and not care what a single person thinks....to care only that you have Allah to answer to....

That's confidence.

And you know what?

You are beautiful. Beauty is something within the soul. It's not about how many heads you turn, but how many hearts you touch.

I'm sure you've heard of it before but I'm going to say it again..think of a pearl that has been hidden in the ocean, covered by a shell. Just because we can't see it, doesn't mean that it's not beautiful. It means that it is protected.

What about those people who tell you things?

Of course there words would hurt. But you have to remind yourself that their words are a reflection of their lack of manners...their own lack of beauty. These people who try to put you down are ignorant people. You just have to remind yourself that they were never ever the target or goal behind your hijab. It was never meant to be for their satisfaction but for Allah.

Remember, this life is a test...and you've got to give it your best.

The hijab is about you and Allah.

And He will reward you for it.

Ask Allah to make your face radiant on the day of Judgment, to give you real beauty. Ask Allah to make things easier for you.

If you find yourself having one of those feeling ugly days, try our ideas, here, as well. And visit the pictorials at I Got it Covered! They're bound to leave you inspired.....(like this one)

With all my love,

So, you want to be an auntie

2011-11-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

Asalamu aliakaum!

Ma'shaAllah and alhamdillah, in the last few weeks, I've gotten a number of offers from sisters who would like to join as aunties. It's so beautiful to me how much sisters want to help each other.

While currently we have things under control with the 6 questions rule, I do appreciate every offer to help. And well, I thought I would put up this general note for anyone who has thought about asking to join but felt shy/ didn't know how to do so/ wondered if there really was space for them.

I look at the comments. I read them all....I scrutinize them. I am always on the look out for a new auntie BASED on the comments you write to the questions we put up. So if you want to be an auntie,
a) it would be best if you commented consistently with your own helpful advice
b) you write with a name I can recognize

You can even shoot me an e-mail with 'a post' you have written with good advice =D
And who knows......you may become part of the crew, soon <3 (Although you all are already part of the team :D)

Jazakun Allah koli khair!

God answered me.

2011-11-08T03:26:00.000-08:00

Asalamu aliakaum wa rahmatuallah wa barkatoo!

Recently a commentator on the blog wrote:

God can't talk to me. God doesn't respond with words.

So, I'm asking you to help us and her out :)

Tell me about a time when you asked Allah for something and He gave it to you or gave you something even better <3

Share ONE personal story....where Allah answered your prayers...and inshaAllah by reading everyone's replies we can rediscover the incredible mercy of Allah.

Even if you do not want to share it with us, please take a few minutes today to truly reflect on your life!

Baraka Allah feekum <3