Did I just Say That?

I have a problem with backbiting. I'm not necessarily fake, but I say stuff about people that they won't necessarily like. I try to stop, but it's such a problem that I do it without thinking. :/ Soo...do you have any suggestions to help me?
Reckless

Dearest Reckless,

It is FANTASTIC that you recognize you have a little problem. I know many of us girlies have this problem, so it's a good thing you sent it in. I myself lately have been having this problem, so I'm speaking to myself first!

OKay, so first thing's first. What you said-- about saying 'things that the people may not necessarily like- that actually IS the Islamic definiton of backbiting.

The Prophet Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:

“Do you know what backbiting is?”
They said: “Allaah and His Messenger know best.”
He said: “Mentioning your brother with that which he dislikes.”

It was said to the Prophet (Salla Allaahu ‘Alayhi wa sallam): “Even if what I mention about my brother is true?” He (Salla Allaahu ‘Alayhi wa sallam) said:

"If what you have said concerning him is true, then surely you have backbitten him; and if what you said isn’t true, then surely you have slandered him.”

So, even though it might be true what you're saying, it's still not really okay to say..

With that said, here's what we gotta do.


1. TRY admitting to 'one of these persons' one thing that you said that you think they may not like.


So did you press the X button on the browser, or what?


Seriously, just try imagining telling one of those persons what you said.


Think how much harder it will be on the Day of Judgment. You see, sins against people are very much different from sins against God. Sins against God require only repenting and asking God to forgive you. Sins against people require that you ask them to forgive you. Not a very easy thing to do, right? Like if you steal something, it's not enough to ask Allah to forgive you, but you HAVE to return the money (if possible).

Now, I will be honest and say though that there is a bit of disagreement when it comes to 'backbiting'. Some scholars have said that is necessary to seek the forgiveness of the person you have backbited against while others have stated it is alright not to actually admit what you said but to pray for him/her and mention good things about him/her. In any case, just think about 'how terrible it would be' if you actually did have to admit what you said?

Can you imagine their faces? Would you guys still be friends?


2. "Punish" yourself. You see, so many of us have habits we do not like, but we're a little easy on ourselves. Decide on something you'll have to do if you do say something a little 'bad' about someone....Now, I don't mean that you whip yourself or anything like that....more like, you have to give a few dollars of charity...something that will make you more 'aware' and 'conscious' of what you're saying...


3. Reward yourself. If you go through a week or month without saying anything, give yourself a little treat :)


4. Fast! Really. Most of us are better people when we fast and we avoid saying bad things because we know how they 'nullify' or rather 'ruin our fasts'....Try fasting once a week and see how that goes.


5. What is that one thing you're really sensitive about? Like your nose? Hair? Toes? Your voice? Whatever it is, imagine someone talking about it. You wouldn't really like it, would you? Put yourself in that person's shoes...Did you ever make a mistake and have everyone talk about it? It's no picnic, is it?

6. If there's something you really want to get off your chest, write it down. Like "OH, this teacher is really driving me nuts." Write it on a piece of paper that no one is going to see. Then, write TWO or three good things about that person. If you can write more, BETTER!

Then, Breathe in and breathe out. And throw that paper away.

Tell yourself, "OKay, got that out of my system now..."

7. Check these links out : Say No to Cannibalism

http://www.pinkislam.com/the-muslimah/my-advice-to-the-women-part-4.html


May Allah make allow us to guard our tongues better and love for our sisters and brothers what we love for ourselves.

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Those little...backbiters

Assalamu Alaykum. I have learned that listening to backbiting is haram and one should not listen to it, but sometimes I find it hard to stop a person from backbiting another person, I'm afraid that I might offend him/her or something, especially if we're not really friends or he/she is older than me so I need to be extra respectful. So sometimes, all I do is just leave the room or act like I have to go, but sometimes I just cant leave. Please advise me on what to do. Thanks

Sister

Dear Sister,

Wa’alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo ! Well, I gotta admit it. This is a super tough question. I mean, how many of us have been in that situation where we sat down with some seemingly innocent friends/even sweet grey haired ladies for a cup of tea only to find out that their particular cup of tea includes a little extra ‘spices’- someone’s dead flesh…….

Yeah. Backbiters…

They’re hard to deal with (but we have to admit that we’ve also sometimes messed up ourselves and “backbit”). Anyways, it’s great that you sometimes leave the room, but I know that isn’t always possible.

What I would suggest doing is simply saying:

“You know, auntie/uncle, sir, *respectful term*, the thing is, I’ve personally made a lot of mistakes myself that I really hope people don’t know about. Wouldn’t it be a lot better if we concealed this person’s mistake so that inshaAllah on the Day of Judgment Allah will conceal all of ours? Maybe instead we can just talk to him/her and give them naseeha, inshaAllah, or make dua that Allah will guide them?”

See, the great thing about following this method is that not only would you have avoided listening to haram, you would have also done your Islamic duty (which is advise them against backbiting).

However, I’ll be the first to admit though that method doesn’t always work. Sometimes, the person insists that they are not backbiting or that they have to tell you this…blah blah blah…

If that happens, we switch tactics depending on the scenario:

Scenario 1:

• Backbiter: an older relative of mine
• Victim: another relative
• What’s being said: that the other relative did something completely rude/unbelievable

My stance: I simply sorta crinkle up my eye brows, look a little confused and say in a respectful but disagreeing voice: “I really don’t know that about him/her. In fact, this person has always been …… If that did happen, I’m sure there’s a reason and maybe we can ask him/her about it.”

It might be a little hard to try this method, but if you defend the ‘victim’, inshaAllah you will have the greatest defense ready for YOU on the Day of Judgment! The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:

“Whoever defends his Muslim brother’s honor, Allah will defend his honor on the Day of Resurrection.”

Scenario 2:
You’re meeting someone you either

• a) Know has a history of backbiting
• b) Don’t really know and may turn out to be a backbiter

You decide on the conversations and what you’re going to talk about in advance! Be armed with an Islamic magazine/ interesting stories/things that will keep the conversation interesting but won’t lead to backbiting.

As soon as you sense that the Backbiter is about to begin- you know when they’re about to start- you just switch the conversation:

“HEY, did I tell you about this hilarious thing that happened…” or “Do you have any advice on how to deal with headaches/stomach pain/etc. whatever,” :P


Of course, there could still be countless of other scenarios. The important thing to do, though, in each case is to keep in mind that even as a listener, you have an active role in the conversation. You give the message to the person whether to continue or not….If you let your face show you discomfort and your unwillingness to ‘engage’ in the conversation, the person will sense a ‘red light’...

And you know what I’ve discovered is that if you consistently give people – EVERYONE around you- the message that you don’t want to talk about others or hear others being talked about, the word will soon spread about you- you’ll find people automatically guarding the way they talk around you, inshaAllah.

Well, I know I couldn't think of any 'super idea', but I hope the readers can also chip in some more suggestions for you, inshaAllah =) May each and every one of us guard our tongues and listen to only that which pleases Allah. May we honor our sisters and brothers and treat them the way we want to be treated :D


- the little aunties

P.S. for those who want to know more about the seriousness of backiting, please see here

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