How Do I Get Along With my Mum?

Assalamualikum Dear Aunties! My Problem is I'm 19 and I still dont get along with my mum. People say, a girl's first best friend is her mum. But nt so in my case. We are so similar that we clash and we are different like poles apart at the same time. I don't want to be a bad daughter. I know if mum is not happy with me Allah wont be. But how do I get along with her? Everything that I do annoys her, I'm not a socialist, I'm emotionally and socially handicap. She doesn't like that about me. I like being in my room, keeps me comfortable and makes me feel secure. she hates that as well. Its not that I dont love her, but she pushes my buttons and I answer her back (I cry afterwards for doing tht). I dont think I can ever be on the same page as her. I know she loves me as well. And as I said before I'm emotionally handicap so I dont really say I love you to the people I love, they just get the msg, but apparently my mom doesn't. I just dont want Allah to be angry with me. Please help me out.

 Aww sister, it’s great that you care so much about being a good daughter, mashallah. Don’t worry, inshallah with time, you too can be best friends with your mum.

I know it can be frustrating to feel that you’re not being a good daughter. The reality is that your relationship with our mom, like all relationships, requires work. It’s not always easy or natural to please our parents. But if we can take an active part to improve our relationship with our moms (parents) for the sake of AllahSWT, we can accomplish it.

I recently read this great quote, “the three A’s of life: attention, affection, and appreciation.” These three words really are the ingredients to any good relationship. Try to think of a person in your life who you have a great relationship e.g. your best friend. You’ll notice that you naturally give them attention, affection, and appreciation. You also receive them and that’s what makes your relationship great! You can use these three A’s to get along with your mom as well. Here’s how you can apply the three A’s to your situation.

Attention: Attention is the art of listening. Active listening is not merely hearing. Active listening is without any distractions or any interruptions. So the next time your mom’s speaking to you, you can give her attention by completely turning your face and body towards her, asking appropriate questions, and rephrasing any instructions she gives you. For example: “Mmhmm…O.K… I see…all right mom, so you want me to clean my room, vacuum the living room, and do my homework?

 Another way you can pay attention to your mom is by asking her what she needs. Better yet, pay attention to the things she likes done and surprise her by doing one of those things spontaneously. It can be as simple as making her favorite tea for her. J

Affection: As we know, along with the content of what we say, how we say them is equally if not more important. The same statement: “Hi” can mean different things depending on how we phrase it. So our tone is very important. When it comes to your mom, talk in a soothing, sweet voice. Especially when you are sharing a differing opinion, do so in a kind, affectionate tone.

Appreciation: Everybody loves to be appreciated. It shows that the other person noticed. When it comes to your mom, compliment her on the things she does for you. For instance you could compliment her cooking. Especially if she tries out a new recipe, show her you noticed and encourage her. This may seem small but it’s amazing how much this works wonders. I’ve tried it with my mother; trust me, it works. Just think how it feels when someone we care about compliments us on something we worked hard on. It shows they appreciated us.

Now about saying: “I love you,” don’t worry if it’s hard to say “I love you”. There are other ways you can show your mom that you love and care about her.

Have you heard about The Five Languages of Love? Words of Affirmation, Spending Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Find whichever ones suits your personality more AND that your mom would respond to.  For instance, if you feel that your mom loves to hear words of affirmation, then you can still do that but in ways that are more comfortable for you. For example:  you could write her a small note on the fridge or text her: “I love you, mom.”  

A great example of the Physical Touch language of love is found in the Sunnah of our beloved Nabi Salallahu alayhi wa salam. Follow the Sunnah of the Prophet (S) in how he greeted his daughter Fatima(RA) when she would visit him and how she would greet her father when he would visit her.

Aisha Bint Talha quoted Aisha as saying: 

"I have not seen anyone more similar to the Messenger in speech and dialogue than Fatima. Whenever she entered the house, he would greet her, kiss her hands and ask her to sit near him. Likewise, when he entered the house, she would greet him, kiss his hands and etc....."

So the next time you greet your mom, what do ya say, you give her a big ol’, toothy smile, delicate kiss on the cheek or hands, a great, bear hug and an “Assalamu Alaikum!” J  Make it a habit to greet her in a special way, and it’ll inshallah create warmth between you and your mom.

You also mentioned that you are similar to your mom, then inshallah it’ll be easier to bond with her. The next time your mom says something that you agree with, let it be known! Say: “I know how you feel.” And “That’s exactly how I feel, mom!”

Also joking with your mom! Since you know you have things in common, you could use this to joke with her. For example:

You: “You know mom, I noticed you like your mint tea with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

Mom: …

You: “I do too!”

Or

You: “Let’s have some mint tea with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, since that’s both of our favorite.” [*smiles*]

Mom: “Ok…”

Or

You: “Now I know where I got that love for mint tea and chocolate chip cookies, you must have had a lot of it when you were pregnant with me. [*smile*]”

Mom: “Oh stop it, you. [*Smiles*] You know, now that you mentioned it, I did. That’s why you were orange for a long time.”

You: “What?! I was orange. I didn't know that…”

Lol, maybe that won’t happen. J But you get the gist. Don't be scared to act silly and have light conversations with your mom. You don’t want her to only remember the heated arguments you had with her. So create these happy memories and Inshallah it will overshadow the not so great ones of the past.

O.K., so you also brought up how you don’t like to socialize. I want to tell you that it’s ABSOLUTELY O.K. Being introverted is a personality just like being extroverted is, so don’t beat yourself up over that. Embrace that part of you as being introverted is associated with a lot of benefits. I can relate as I also love spending time alone. It helps me recharge and think in peace. There’s nothing wrong with it inherently. However if it bothers your mom that you spend too much time in your room, try to leave your room once in a while to spend some more quality time with her. Remember the length of time doesn’t matter as long as you spend meaningful time with her. Also communicate with her to find out what about you staying in your room bothers her. Asking her directly will help you pinpoint what exactly she needs so that both of you won’t be so frustrated, inshallah.

Also, being introverted doesn’t have to stop you from showing others how you feel. Despite the fact that we may think others should just know how we feel, that’s not the case. We really have to be explicit whether it’s in giving a compliment, constructive feedback, or even sharing how we feel about something. If you feel that talking about your feelings is uncomfortable, try other modes like writing. It could even be as simple as a smile or a hug.

Now I want to give you a sort of disclaimer: Changing how you act with your mom might not give you immediate results. I know from experience it’s hard to change how we interact with our family members. So it may feel awkward and forced at first. You might get shot down or be questioned that you’re being unlike yourself the first few times. You might also stumble and make mistakes along the way.  But don’t give up! Slowly incorporate all of these ideas and soon they’ll become a part of you. Let me give you an example. Do you know how to ride a bicycle? Remember how it felt the first few times? It felt weird and so new but after some practice you learned to ride it to the point that it became second-nature. So much so that you can’t even believe that it was ever so difficult to ride a bike. It’s just the same with this situation. The more you practice these steps, the easier and more second-nature they’ll be inshallah.

I want to finish off by saying this: We become so used to our parents being patient with us when we were younger that we take it for granted. But there comes a time where we find we have to start being patient with them. Just like they used to s speak in a kind tone with us, and have to explain (sometimes multiple times) the things we didn’t understand, we have to now. We have to be the ones to bite our tongues and forgive them. We have to take the first step in trying to understand their point-of-view if we want them to understand ours. It’s hard sometimes but inshallah we’ll get immense reward for being obedient to our parents.

May AllahSWT bless you and your family. Much <3

P.s. Here are more articles about: Definition of an Introvert, Introvert Myths, Finding your Voice as an Introvert, Introverts and Small Talk. Enjoy!

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But What is She Doing on the Internet?

Assalamu'alaikum, I have an Internet problem, too, but it's about my little sister. I have a 14 year old sister and she wants to browse the internet whenever she can. She uses it for more than two hours. I'm not sure what she's browsing or doing and I worry that she might be getting into things she shouldn't. I need your advice on how to handle this situation nicely.  If I say "no" she keeps nagging me and sometimes I get angry. How should I approach this?

Wa'alaikum salam wa rahmatullah, :D


I know exactly what you mean. I have the same problem with my younger sister and other siblings. I can tell you what helps me in this situation.

1. Try talking to your sister nicely and developing a good and strong relationship with her. Explain to her the harms and dangers of the internet. Maybe ask her what her favorite websites are. Tell her about yours. :) See, this problem right now could just be the first of many. Other things could follow now that she's in high school, and you want to be there for her so that she doesn't give in to peer pressure and such. Be open with her. I have a friend who has sisters who are 15 years older than her, and she loves them dearly still. If I'm not mistaken, she still goes to them when she has problems or whatnot. I've known her since we were 11-12 years old, so I know that the relationship has been there for a while. Since she was younger, her older sisters let her know that they would always be there for her. See, we have to build that bond with our sisters when they are younger. I'll give you an example about myself. My baby sister is 14 years younger than me; that quite a gap, isn't it? I'm trying to do small things with her--read her and my younger brothers bedtime stories from the stories of the sahaabah or the prophets nightly. Or we go for a walk around the block, just the two of us. I'm hoping she'll remember these times fondly when she gets older. 
2. Get your parents involved. Is she on the laptop or desktop computer? If you have a desktop computer, then at least solitude with the internet is not a problem. If you guys have  laptop, ask your parents to set a rule in the house which says that all the kids have to use the laptop on, say, the dining table for only a specific amount of time unless schoolwork is involved. But make sure everyone follows this rule, including you, otherwise, it's probably not going to work.
3.  Since we're the older children in the family, it's natural to feel protective over the younger siblings, but I also think it's important to understand that we're not the parents either. My brother and I always fall into this trap and we try "parenting" them. Yes, we can guide them nicely, but honestly, it's ultimately our parents' job. Our parents raised us, and now they'll raise them well too inshaAllah. Just learn to let it goooooo. :) Don't try getting too authoritative. We're the sisters; let's try staying that way!
4. Last but certainly not least, make du'aa to Allah (swt). That's the most important tool we have! We can't forget that, now can we? :)

This here is a great post a friend of mine wrote about her sister and their relationship over the years. It might help you with the issue at hand: Sisters--Ayesha and I

I sincerely hope this answer aided you in some way, inshaAllah. Thoughts or comments, anyone? :D

Love,

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When Mom and Dad love the bro more

I’m having a lot of trouble these days with my parents. It’s not that my parents are mean to me or anything. It’s just that they obviously love my brother more. They love me too, but I can’t help but feel like they’re always giving him priority and attention over me. I just want to know why? I mean I’m their daughter too. And isn’t it wrong what they’re doing? Like he gets the best things (food, electronics, clothes, etc) and I’m supposed to always sacrifice for him. Sometimes, I feel like I really hate him.

Dear Sis,

Big hug coming your way! I really feel for you. It must be really hard when the two most important people in your life keep favoring someone over you. That’s not to say that there aren’t times when it’s natural for parents to favor one child- a newborn, sick (or disabled) child naturally need more attention. If it’s a critical year in school, parents might also want to support their child by buying extra presents or showering them with attention, unfortunately sometimes at the expense of another child. If, though, you really can’t think of a reason why your brother keeps getting the “best” things, then, that’s a different story.

Unfortunately, though, , you’re not alone. The reality is that a lot of parents make this mistake though the Prophet (sallah Allah alayhee wa salaam) made it clear that parents need to be fair.

Al-Nu’maan ibn Basheer said:

"My father gave me some of his wealth, and my mother ‘Amrah bint Rawaahah said: ‘I will not accept this until you ask the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) to bear witness to it.’ So my father went to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) to ask him to bear witness to the gift he had given me. The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said to him, ‘Have you done this for all your children?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Fear Allah and treat all your children fairly.’ So my father came back and took back his gift." (Narrated by Muslim, no. 1623).

So, yes, sis, what your parents are doing isn’t right. It’s up to you to decide whether or not you can find it in your heart to forgive them for it. It should help if you think about how much your parents have done for you and how much they mean to you. Think about how many times you might have let them down and how much they’ve put up with.

At the same time, that doesn’t mean that you should give up and accept whatever is happening. Sis, one thing you need to realize is that relationships are fluid and that means they change. Day by day! Keep making dua; turn to Allah sincerely and ask Him to guide your parents.

While you’re doing that, try to talk to your parents about how you feel. You might be thinking “But I shouldn’t have to tell them! They should know”. I want you to ignore that voice. As we said in a different post, your parents are human. And they make mistakes. And sometimes, they don’t even realize it when they’re doing something wrong. You can’t hold your parents responsible when you haven’t tried to bring to their attention how you feel.

You don’t even have to do it directly. For instance, next time, you’re at the dinner table, take the initiative. Say something like “Wow, that looks really yummy. Let me get a knife so we can split into___ parts so that everyone can get a piece.” If they ask you to sacrifice something, let them know how much that thing means to you. Let them know you’d be willing to lend it to your brother, but that you’d like it back later on. Or ask them if they could get you something else instead.

If you’re too shy to talk them, then leave them a little note saying how you feel.

And if that’s not your style, think about talking to your brother about it. Now, that doesn’t mean that you should attack him (or even hate him) because he’s not responsible for your parents’ actions. But you can ask him to help you out a little. You can tell him that you feel a little hurt and left out. Ask him if he’d be willing to talk to your parents about it or if he’d be willing to share with you.

What else? Well, you asked why your parents love your brother more…The truth is that you don’t even know if your parents really do love him more. Love is in the heart and it can be expressed in different ways. I know you feel like they love him more because of how much attention they give him. But as a teacher, I can tell you that the student who gets the most attention isn’t necessarily the one that I like the most. It’s just that they’re so demanding, it’s easier to give them what they want than not to (unfortunately). And it’s easy to think that the others don’t really mind or to convince myself that they understand why I’m giving in. The same is true for parents…they might think you know how much they love you. And you never know, they might actually love you more for being so easygoing.

If you’re still convinced that they love him more, think about this: are you closer to one of your parents?

Sometimes, our hearts can’t help who they feel more inclined to. But if you put a little effort, things can change.
Try your best to see if there is something that your parents might be upset about, which you can change. Do your parents have to constantly nag at you to clean your room? Or help out at home? Are they constantly worried about your grades? Is there something that is continually causing friction between you and your parents?

On the other hand, it might not have anything to do with that. You could have just led very separate lives for a long time and your parents can’t help but feel more connected to your brother. If you want your parents to notice you, then, it’s time you try. Maybe you can watch an Islamic/educational series together. Or how about going walking with them? When it’s time for dinner, you can casually enter the kitchen and start chit chatting with your mumzy about your and her day. When your dad comes home, you can offer to make him a cup of tea. These might be small things, but they speak volumes. You can even think about making something together or coming up with a goal with your parents (e.g. saving money for Umrah!). Etc…

But most of all, sis, never forget that you have Allah on your side. And anytime, your parents seem to think about your brother first and you feel a little hurt, remind, yourself, that Allah is saving something for you in jannah…something truly special.
Every time that you are unfairly treated, remember that Allah knows. And rest assured that He will never let any of your acts go unrewarded.

…and whatever good you put forward for yourselves - you will find it with Allah. Indeed, Allah of what you do, is Seeing. (2: 110)

And think about it this way. Maybe your brother got your parents because Allah chose you for HIM. He wanted you to draw closer to Him…

I have chosen you for Me.(Surat Taha, 41)

How does that sound?

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Why? Oh, why, do you wear that?

Asalamu 'Alaikum Sisters :)
I love this blog, I can relate to majority of the things posted on here, but this time the problem I'm having isn't really on here, I think.
Alhamdulillah. I've been wearing hijab my entire life, I've been wearing an abaya & jilbab for a while now, and I think I'm ready for niqab, the problem is with my family... they seem to think that the only reason why I cover up so much is because I'm over weight, and it's really starting to get to me, especially since that's not the case, I am a bit chubby, but tall, so it isn't really obvious, and I'm trying so hard to look after myself, and the fact that my family assumes my modest clothing is because of the fact that I'm ashamed of my weight really hurts me and discourages me, to continue in anything... I'd really appreciate if you could help me with any advice you have, so I can continue on without having my motives questioned. Jazakulah Khairun in advance
Discouarged

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

Dearest Discouraged,

awww, sis. Let me offer you a real big hug! I'm really proud of you for choosing to wear jilbab, and even thinking of niqab :)

As for your question, you know, for a real long time, I was in that same boat. (You might even find my signature on it, if you look really hard..I was on it for that long, LOL.)

You see, certain members of my family were convinced that I wore the niqab because I was living in the Gulf. So, a lot of them would talk to me like it was some kind of phase that I was going through, (LOL).

Yeah, that sure was annoying and frustrating....

But you know what? You have to understand what the real issue is.

The real issue here is not your new wardrobe (jilbab). What your family is really struggling to accept is this 'new side of you'. They are having trouble coming to terms with this 'side' of you that sees' 'religion' a little differently from them.

Think about it.

Your parents/family/siblings have known you since you were itty bitty. It's hard for them to realize that maybe they don't 100% know you.

There's another aspect to it, too.

Unfortunately, a lot of our families have pre-conceived notions/ stereotypes about jilbabis/niqabois. They think that 'they're backwards/ won't find husbands/whatever'....

When you willingly go and dress like that...well, they just can't understand that. To them, it's like you decided to go outside with unmatching and rumpled clothes. It just doesn't make sense to them.

So..what to do?

1. Ask yourself why are you doing it?

Sit down for a few moments and think about it.

If it's for Allah's pleasure, then, it doesn't matter what other people think you are doing it for, does it?

I mean, let's imagine someone entered the bathroom when you doing wudu and saw you washing your feet.

  Non-Muslims would probably be like "Okay. She must have like some seriously dirty feet/ no water/something."

But would their confusion/ not understanding why you do something, stop you from praying?

(It sure as heck shouldn't!).

It's the same thing here.

You're wearing the jilbab is an act of worship meant for Allah, and not anyone else.

Once you've made certain that this is sincerely for Allah, think of this as a test of your sincerity. It's hard when you feel like no one is 'on your side' and like nobody's encouraging you to go on, but just remind yourself that means even more that your action is only for Allah. Nobody has forced you or even encouraged you- this is an action solely done for the sake of Allah alone. That's rare! So hold on to it. It could even be your ticket to paradise.

They [are those who] fulfill [their] vows and fear a Day whose evil will be widespread. (7) And they give food in spite of love for it to the needy, the orphan, and the captive, (8) [Saying], "We feed you only for the countenance of Allah. We wish not from you reward or gratitude. (9) Indeed, We fear from our Lord a Day austere and distressful." (10) So Allah will protect them from the evil of that Day and give them radiance and happiness (11) And will reward them for what they patiently endured [with] a garden [in Paradise] and silk [garments]. (12) (Sura 76)

Remind yourself of Bilal, under the rock, saying, "Ahud, Ahud". That is what your jilbab is proclaiming. There is One Lord, alone, and He alone is worhty of your worship.

2. Invite their Questioning.

I know, you're fed up of their questions, but you have to accept the fact they are going to ask you questions or else they are going to keep assuming they know the reason why you're wearing it. You can make things easier, by 'inviting' questions.

One way I found helpful is that I would seize Fridays as my 'dress up days'. I would make sure to look extra nice- wear some jewlrey- a nice outfit- maybe a touch of lip gloss...

If your family is anything like my family, they'll be like "Who are you?!!" Just kidding.

 They'd be like "Wow, you look great. Why don't you go out like that? It's such a shame no one sees your pretty clothes."

That's when you pounce! :P You seize the chance to talk about how you are wearing the jilbab for the sake of Allah and that you find it to be the most modest hijab out fit/ and how you hope that Allah will appreciate your covering yourself up for His sake and reward you with something so much better. You tell them clearly that you're wearing it because you do not want to be prioritizing this temporary world over the Hereafter. Tell them something like "For me, the jilbab is a constant reminder of my Creator and my purpose in life. The jilbab draws the line for me and helps keep me in check."

In fact, don't just stop at the 'jilbab'. You should think of their questioning as a dawah opportunity. Why not talk more to them about Allah? Paradise? The companions and their struggles? Your jilbab can become a means to bring people closer to Islam, inshaAllah. Share with them what inspires you to worship Allah and what you love about Islam! Putting up simple reminders and lectures for your siblings on facebook, sharing with your family a nice hadith, etc. are also ways that might help.

3. Celebrate
Another way to invite their questioning-- if you're seriously thinking of wearing niqab, is to throw a little 'niqab party'. Really. When I began to wear niqab, I had a little get-together with my friends. IF you show your family that you are celebrating your ability to take this step (jilbab/ niqab/ whatever), they'll understand that you are not doing it out of shame.
And besides, it will probably boost your mood :) Have some friends over, talk about what you're going to do, why you decided to do it, try it on, get used to it....have friends that have already worn it, talk about their best and most inspiring moments...

4. It's an Attitude
Remember, that your 'modesty' should also be reflected in your behavior and not just your clothes. (Something I need to be reminded of!). When your family sees you remembering Allah in everything, what you talk about, what you watch, what you do, they'll realize that your clothing is also another part of your striving to be more God conscious, inshaAllah.

Another way you can do this is by asking your family to help you become a better Muslimah. Explain that you want your whole family- all of you- to be in jannah together, 'so why don't we work together?"

5.  Stock up on motivational lectures that encourage you to keep going! Also, be sure to read the hadiths the sister posted in the last post (the game). :)

6. You can also put up a target picture/goal that you want to reach (weightwise)....and have that girl wearing jilbab! Then they'll realize that you're deadly serious. (LOL) But seriously, you can even talk about healthier meals that you want to make, go walking with them, etc. and again tie in the fact that our bodies are a trust from Allah and that is actually a motivating factor for you to become healthier.


And finally, keep this somewhere you can see it, often, inshaAllah :)

"Say: Truly, my prayer, my service of sacrifice, my life and my death, (all) for Allah, The Lord of the Worlds". ( Quran: Chapter 6:Verse:162)


Well, sis, I hope that inshaAllah your family will come to accept it and that each day is easier for you than the last.

May Allah reward you enormously!

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Misunderstood

salamualaikum warahmatulahi wabarakatuhu little Aunties
Bismillah.
i speak slowly so i can understand myself and make sure others to do. My dad does not understand me. I try my best to understand him, but he does not try at all. He calls me stupid when i try my best. He says im a bad muslim even though i know im becoming a better muslim. I reaally try my best to be my best muslimah, but he doest care. He calls me stupid so much that sumtimes i believe it. He cuts me off before i can talk to him. And when he is with my friends he is so nice untill he gets home. I get very sad. my dad seems to love everyone except for me. i never do anything wrong to him and i am extra carefull all the time, i dont know y he hates me. When i put on jilbab he acused me of doing it for the wrong reason.When i go online to learn about islam he accuses me of going online for other reasons. He does not trust me. i have a sister who hangs out with the wrong croud and mingles with boys, but my dad is so nice and gentle with her. He calls me stupid all the time, but i try my best not to be stupid. How do i get my father to understand me? please answer ASAP. i really have nobody else to tell this too.
~misunderstood

Dearest Misunderstood,


Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa baraktoo,

Your e-mail broke my heart. It really did.

First of all, I want to reassure you that you are not stupid. You are not!

Unfortunately, as we said in an earlier post, a lot of parents have this 'backwards' idea that calling their children "stupid" will motivate them to be 'better". That's obviously not right. Your dad is wrong in calling you this. Absolutely wrong.

Everybody is intelligent but not everybody is intelligent in the same way. You have to realize that intelligence isn't something necessarily measured by school grades. There are lots of different kinds of "intelligences". There's emotional intelligence, social intelligence (interpersonal skills), spatial intelligence, etc. It's not fair of your father to judge you by 'one thing' only (e.g. math grades).

Let me tell you about myself personally. I was one of those nerdy nerds at school. Give me a word problem/ a book to read and I'm happy. But give me a hands on science experiment and I'm lost. Seriously, I can barely 'use keys', have a problem with putting staples inside a stapler (I'm not kidding), and am absolutely horrible with little paper crafts and origami things and a zillion other things. And you know what? When I tell people I have a problem with reading a normal clock and all those other things, people think I'm "stupid".

But it's unfair. It's unfair of them to judge me by the things I'm not good at. All of us have something we need a little extra help in and other things, we're very good at. And that's why, I want you to stop believing that you are stupid.

Stop it.

Right now.

You are a beautiful intelligent young woman. NO matter what anyone calls you.

Like Shakespeare said, does calling a rose by any other name change the rose? If I call a rose ‘garbage’, does that change the rose/ or its essence? NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

Whenever your father says "stupid' and when he treats you differently from how he treats your sister and your friends, his actions and his words are not a reflection of you. His words are not a reflection of how intelligent you are/ how beautiful/ whatever...whether you're a good daughter or a bad daughter/ a good person or a bad person.

His words are a reflection of him and, and I'm sorry to say this, but his very bad parenting skills.

That said, I can't promise you that your father will understand you....

But one thing you can work on is clearly communicating to your father all that you're trying to do to improve yourself. Show your father all the steps you're taking to tackle any weak subjects/ difficult areas for you.

- Like if you've arranged for a friend to tutor you, tell him that. If you use a website like "Khan Academy" or "Sparksnotes" or whatever, tell him that you've found some helpful sites and you're doing better. Take practice tests/ do practice questions and tell him if your scores are improving.
- Get to know your strengths with a guidance counselor- if possible- and make a plan of action for your weaknesses
- Ask your teachers to recommend some books for you and go out with your father and purchase them....Or ask them for extra assignments and tell your dad....
(Be sure to also read our link:http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/03/failing.html)

And tell him that you need his positive support....and that your feelings are hurt when he calls you stupid.

As for being a "bad Muslimah", hunny, I'm very sorry that he calls you that. Just from reading your letter, I felt that you were really trying...I mean you wore jilbab, ma'shaAllah!

The truth is that your father is sending you mixed messages. First, he tells you that you are a bad Muslimah....Then, when you try to be a good Muslimah, he accuses you of things. No wonder you're all confused and miserable!

You need to tell your dad clearly, "Dad, I'm trying to be a better Muslimah. I've joined a few websites to learn more about our beautiful religion. You're welcome to read them with me...join them, too".

-Try forwarding him some nice articles you read and sharing interesting hadiths with the family. Maybe he sees the stuff you're reading, he'll be more reassured.

It's really unfortunate that your father treats you differently from how he treats everyone else. Do you think that maybe can you try writing a letter to him? And telling him in gentle terms how much you long to have a better relationship with him?

Can you try and find some connection and common ground with your father? Maybe try reading some Qur'an with him or praying with him? You could also watch the news with him and ask him his opinions about something. Try building a relationship not only on your grades/school work, but broadening it a bit.

Most importantly, keep making dua and never losing hope. Believe in yourself...spread your wings and SOAR :)

InshaAllah things will get better. Lots of love!

p.s. if you're on a mixed forum, I would suggest going to an all female Muslimah forum :) I've found them to be a lot better, Islamically :D

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My Broken Family Breaks My Heart

I don't know quite how to say this, I don't want to ruin the Ramadan buzz everyone has going on, but this is really breaking me apart. My family seems so...broken. There are arguments and disputes so much. It really hurts me because I love all my family so much. They should get along...they should see that it's Ramadan and they should make an effort at least. But that's not the main problem...the main thing is that my sister, who has had enough as well, is thinking of running away. I know this won't make anything better and now I need advice...
Thanks,
BrokenFamily

Assalamu Alaykum Dear Sister,

Your letter makes me want to give you one huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge hug. Here it is: HUGGGGG!
I can feel your pain; you really care about your family and it's so frustrating when it seems to be that they just don't get along for the sake of it. But, honey, if you really want to help them, try to look at it from their perspective...
Be empathetic. This means you've got to try to feel how they feel and truly understand what they think. It's really not that hard. Just pretend you're in their shoes. What problems are they facing? Do they really intend to be nasty? Why are they so angry/upset/lost/confused?

See?

You'll figure out that everyone in your family is facing some kind of their own troubles, obstacles and battles.
Now you can't be a superhero and make all these troubles ZAP away, unfortunately.
But you can do something which is actually a lot more amazing, a lot more powerful - you can make DUA.
Just find a quiet corner in your house, raise your hands up and plead. Plead with everything you've got inside you and spill out to your Lord. Allah loves you. He can help you and He wants you to ask Him for His Glorious Aid.

Keep Asking. Keep Asking. Keep Asking. Just Keep Pleading. However many days or weeks or months go by - keep asking.

HAVE HOPE and KEEP THE HOPE. I urge this to you dear sister, because Allah answers all our dua. Just remember to MAKE DUA.

As well as this, you can be a positive role model for your whole family;
You can be polite and respectful. You can be sure not to argue. You can be sure to obey your elders and pray and fast and give charity - and smile.


Maybe they will see this and try to do the same. You never know.


A simple smile can work so many wonders dear sis, please do try to smile more than you already do (: .

Maybe, also, you can try and help your family build more positive times together. Why not asking your sisters to pray with you at the mosque (since it is Ramadban)? Or asking your family if they are interested in having a Eid vacation this year. It doesn't have to be something fancy- maybe just a trip to a nearby town- but sometimes, going out, leaving the negative area, and building positive memories together is all that you need to do. Maybe you can get a simple board game and invite the family to play it together?

I do want to say though that I am a little concerned about your sister though; I think you need to show her that you are there for her. You may not be able to heal the wounds she may carry, but you can show her you're there. You can give her a hug when her face looks glum. You can be there. That may be all she needs.
Please do check this though for further advice for your sister. If it looks like she is very serious, you should bring up the issue with one of your parents.

Most of all, despite the fact you may feel scared and upset - never forget to always go to Allah.
Because He can help you. Pray your Salah with so much sincerity and plead and plead and plead.

'Voyage to your Lord, even if broken and bruised'

It's now your time to shine.

the wound is where the light enters

Have hope in Allah, make dua - Let the Light Enter.

I pray for a peaceful Ramadan for all my sisters, and peace in the home and in the heart. Ameen

Lots of Love. Please try, at least, to smile. :)

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Great Expectations

I am a Filipina and practicing ISLAM.
Been reading your write ups and articles and whatever they call it! I find your blog so cool and helpful. I used to do blogging stuffs but then I stopped after getting busy into my high school stuffs.
Alhamdulillah!

So decided to send you an email, and thinking if you could help me outta here.

I'm 17 years of age, a college student. And let me say, I love doing community service. I love keeping busy.
I'm trying hard to pray five times a day, do sunnah's and others. (I cannot call my self a FULL Muslim for I still have flaws, yet I strive hard to be a good one! Inshaallah.)

I don't know how to start my query.
You know, I just feel sad these past few days because of my my situation.
My family see me us the villain, the black sheep and the bad one here. (i keep it on my mind NOT THINK that way)
When I first entered college, they asked me what course which I really want to take. So I pursued it.
But then just this summer vacation, I found out that my mom didn't like it for me. So to satisfy her, I decided to shift even if i was able to finish major subjects.
It saddens me that all these times, my parents weren't actually happy for me.
I shifted. Yes, No more science in my life!
And just recently, my father accused me of something I never did. I didn't explain. I shut my mouth to show my respect. I just cried the whole day! I was so depressed, that after doing all those things to satisfy them, they still see me as a failure when in fact I think, my other siblings are more into failure. I am always compared to my sister. a consistent A graded, good in her speaking and writing skills----and she's always the good one here. Whatever she asks from my parents is given to her. Expensive and Impractical ones. As far as I know, I never asked my parents a material thing. Never. I make alternative ways to lessen my expenses as a student. Infact, I do not tell them when I'm sick for them not to be burdened. (I do not envy that. I don't care. after all, we cannot bring them in the hereafter. do i say it right?)
I don't know what to do! I do the household chores. I pray. I wear my hijab properly. I never involved my self into "INLOVE" and boys thing. Astagfirullah! Never entertained suitors and do astagfir for the fitnah. My parents are both professionals and respected, and I never think of making their image bad, never think of staining their jobs.
I have this feeling that maybe my father sees me wrong just because I was not able to get A grade in my studies for the first academic year of my college life. (and i cannot accept that if that's the only reason, then will I be wrong ALWAYS? and my good deeds will not be credited?) *It takes one million good things for you to be called Good Person yet only one mistake to destroy them and be called BAD!*

I am into this sport/organization that at first, my parents did not stop me to join. I was so active before that because I am also into this leadership. Whenever I am committed to a service, I make sure to finish that. In regards with this one, I'm helpless because my mother didn't want me to continue. She wants me to stop from involving in it! But I have so many pending works and responsibilities to be done this following months. and In fact, I will be promoted INSHAALLAH! But if they will let me to stop, then my hardships and sacrifices I did last year will turn to NOTHING. They will turn to ashes! I cannot make promises that I can get A grade even if I'm still active in our organization. I stopped promising! I have this tendency of failing.
I don't feel like talking to my parents because of the fear that they might get me wrong and I'll be wrong. I was still able to maintain my scholarship though. I know what I am doing. Studies first before extra-curricular activities. I know that! I didn't get failing grades (Alhamdulillah) but they are not satisfied with that. they want me to get into top. which i cannot promise because we have limitations. waaaaaaaah! I'm sorry. I guess my story was not like... hmm. okkaay! Maybe I need some advice to keep my positivity and how to cope up with my frustrations. I know, these things are only tests but I can't just deny myself from reacting or overreacting.

Thank You So Much.
I'm looking forward for your AS SOON AS POSSIBLE response.

Yours,
Hafsa NC with overflowing love. <3

Dearest Hafsa NC,

First of all, let me apologize if this wasn’t as 'fast as you were hoping'. You see, not only do each of us have our own 'real live jobs' to deal with, behind the scenes, we actually have a lot of e-mails to answer (including private e-mails :D).OH, and also, it depends on the type of question. ;)

But, anyways, my heart broke for you as I read your letter.

I see a daughter…wanting her parents to be happy with her…wanting to be loved and appreciated…wanting her parents to be proud of her.

I see a sister who seems a little confused- wondering what more can she for them? What will make her parents accept her?

And about the only thing I have to comfort you with is this-

Sometimes, there is nothing for you to do.

Sometimes, it is not us that need to change- ….

I mean, I really don’t see anything for you to fix. And no easy solution.

You see, we grow up with the notion of parents who know exactly what to say, how to say it and when to say it. We also grow up with the idea of parents who understand their children, support them (almost unconditionally) and encourage them lovingly, etc.

But the reality is that is an over idealized version of parents.

Our parents are human.

I know that sounds pretty 'dumb' and like we 'all know that' but wait one minute….Really, really, let that sink in.

Your parents are not perfect and they never will be perfect. What you’re seeing right now- the part that compares you to your older sister- is simply the ‘human side of them’. The side with weaknesses and faults- just like all of us.

And here's the thing.

I definitely agree that your parents should not compare you to your sister, but sometimes, parents just don’t know any better. Maybe they think that will motivate you more to ‘be successful in the way they understand success.' Maybe they’re doing it because they ‘love you’ and want you to ‘be the best you can be’ and don’t realize that you’re already happy and already trying to be the best you can be.

It's hard being a parent because you are working 24/7. You never stop being a parent, even when you are clueless what to do. Your parents want what's best for you and they think they know what is best for you-- so they're just confused how to get you to see what's 'best for you'.

Sounds confusing?

Think of it this way:

When your parents had you, they probably 'dreamt' what they wanted you to be.

And whether they consciously realized it or not, they probably imagined you to be like them- to have the same similar taste and interests and ideas of success.

I mean, haven’t you ever imagined what you would do with your kids? InshaAllah? Did you ever imagine them to be ‘really different from you’?

It seems to me that you have different interests and versions of success- your parents seem to think that getting straight A+ is important while you seem to recognize that intelligence and success are not limited to ‘grades’.

And that’s part of the conflict. You have different values. You believe helping the community and doing work in the organization is important- they don’t. Or at least, they don’t understand why you put so much work into it.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that your parents maybe cannot relate to you 100% and simply understand your sister more. They maybe don’t mean to compare you guys, but it just happens.

And of course, there’s always the possibility too that maybe they don’t actually compare you more to your sister but you just ‘feel that way’. It’s true! Sometimes, we are the ones projecting feelings onto our parents.

But in ANY event, whether they do compare you or not, realize that you cannot control their feelings about you. No matter what you do and what you sacrifice for them, you will never be able to control what they think of you.

So why let what you think they think of you control your happiness?

 You do not need to measure yourself by the way they measure you.

May Allah forgive me or a sister correct if me I am wrong in that sentence, but what I have understood is that all you have to do Islamically is try to please them, befriend them, treat them with respect and dignity and give them their Islamic rights.

BUT, you do not need to label yourself as a black sheep because you feel that’s what they think of you.

It’s your CHOICE.

You can either

1. - Succumb to this feeling of ‘being a ‘black sheep’
2. - Or RISE UP, be proud of yourself, and realize that you are a special

They are both 'options for you'. But only one of them will make you feel happy.

Really, you do not need to wait for your parents' "approval" of you and your achievements to feel proud of yourself. Why wait another day to find happiness? Take pride of your own achievements and the fact that you are trying to be a better Muslimah.

And maybe, instead of making your parents pleasure your ‘goal’, make Allah’s pleasure your goal and the rest inshaAllah will soon follow.


Just one thing- about not wanting to talk to them because you feel they will not understand….

You don’t necessarily have to go up to your parents and say:
“Mom and Dad, why do you treat me like a BLACK SHEEP?”

But you can talk to them about different things. Try to build a relationship with them based on something other than your school work/ college grades. Reach out to them as a friend. Ask them about their day. Show them that no matter what, you care about them.


And inshaAllah, things will get better.


May Allah make things easier for you :) Sisters, share your advice, inshaAllah =)

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"Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!"

Salam alaikum dear aunties,

I love your blog and i took time to read most of the issues that you have discussed but i didnt find any one that relates to my question.
I was born muslim.But i was not really practising islam then.When i turned 16 last december i dont really know how to explain what happened i was just drawn back to islam,everything happened really fast i started doing all the obligatory duties,i now wear hijab and abaya.But the problem i still have is my behaviour.I get really angry and irritated easily.Now brother doesnt respect me again and my family avoid me even though i try to be good but this problem makes all the good things i do for them look bad.please help me.

Wa alaykum salaam dear sister,

You know what? I am really happy that you feel like you've come back to Islam like that, wearing Hijab and everything, subhanAllah, wow, it really does make me smile to hear this. (:

I can understand how you feel that the good part of you isn't significant because you get angry and stuff. But don't lose hope, Islam isn't about being perfect and staying perfect forever. It's about climbing a ladder and continuing to climb. And even when you fall down a rung or two of this ladder, you repent - and continue to climb more, inshaAllah. The fact you've noticed a shortcoming in yourself is a step up the ladder too, so nice one. (:

You've got to understand that someone doesn't acquire an amazing character immediately. Character is formed by habits, which take time to set in your life.

Abû Hurayrah relates that a man said to the Prophet (peace be upon him): “Counsel me.” The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Do not get angry.” The man repeated his request many times, but the Prophet (peace be upon him) kept saying: “Do not get angry.” [ Sahîh al-Bukhârî ] 

This hadith is so significant because the Prophet (peace be upon him) limited his counselling of this man to this simple command. It obviously states just how incredibly important and beneficial it is to ourselves, our characters, our souls and even others.

Okay, well some things which can help you control your temper:

Understand Anger

Anger is an emotion with a whole lot of energy and this energy inspires action. Once you know this and understand that it's merely a state of mind, you can choose to change this. YOU control your mind, so YOU can control your emotions, thus your anger.

Transfer Anger

A way to channel this energy into something positive is to something, anything which can distract you from it. Painting, drawing, photography, reading - or you mentioned you like to write. You may not feel like you want to do something calming but if you force yourself and make yourself patient through this - it'll work in due time!

Eliminate Anger

These amazing examples from the best human being (peace be upon him), subhanAllah is the answer to the problem I think, (:

1. We should seek refuge with Allah when we become angry. Two men began hurling insults at one another in the presence of the Prophet (peace be upon him), each one insulting the other with such anger that his face had turned red. Th e Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “I know a word that if one were to say it, what stresses him would go away. If he would but say: ‘I seek refuge with Allah from Satan the Accursed'.” [ Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim ]

 So to simply say "Audhu billahi minashaytan nirajim", with meaning.

Also:

2. If he is standing, then he should sit. If the anger fails to subside, then he should lie down. [Abu Dawood]

3. A person should remain silent. [Imam Ahmad]

4. Make wudhu. [Abu Dawood]

5. Make ghusl [Abu Nuaim]

Make these things habits and inshaAllah they'll become embedded in your character. SubhanAllah. (:

Another thing; if you feel like you have done something wrong like shout at a family member or say something you shouldn't have or generally slipped in your behaviour, remember to ask for forgiveness from Allah (swt) immediately. Is He (swt) not the Most-Forgiving? 

O 'Ibadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (az-Zumar:53)

Truly think about this, sis. Allah will forgive you. Just seek what your soul yearns - seek forgiveness.

But remember, always be the first to say Sorry to whoever you may have upset. Always say sorry. The barrier between a 'sorry' is pride, and I don't think you're a proud person, honey. Just never forget to say sorry. Mean that you're sorry. And even do something to show you're sorry. Pray for the person and pray for yourself too, inshaAllah. :)

A Little Act of Kindness can go a long way if the intention behind it is pure - because pure intentions which hold hands with good deeds - are very powerful indeed. (:

Lastly, make dua! make dua! make dua! I thought I'd say it three times to emphasise its significance. :P But seriously, don't worry because if you make dua for something that will make you closer to Allah - Allah will answer inshaAllah. Just BELIEVE that He (swt) will. And never give up in your dua. Include it in your dua again and again and again. Always! Every dua! Every dua! Every dua! (I did that 'three times' thing again :P)

Lots of love to you honey, (:

And a big hug, 'cause you're sixteen and so am I! :D

You can conquer this. Leap up that ladder - and smile. (:

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