I don't deserve such an amazing guy, do I?

I need help. For a little background information, just a year ago, I was someone completely lost. My life was all sins and my only thought was enjoying myself/getting what and who I wanted. Audoobillah. I'm so ashamed of all that I did. Wallahi, I cry myself to sleep sometimes, just worrying what Allah will do to me and whether I can ever be forgiven. I was sooo bad, sister.The thing is, though, this year, I have really started practicing Islam and becoming a much better person. And as the year has progressed, I have come to find myself really attracted to this brother in the MSA who is one of the best persons I have ever met.  And here we come to the problem.Recently I was in a discussion where somebody mentioned this verse " Impure women are for impure men, and impure men for impure women. Good women are for good men, and good men are for good women;..." and it has just left me with the sensation that I would never ever deserve someone like him. He is pure, practicing, has memorized the Quran, always praying his prayers....me...I'm trying so hard now, but I did so many sins. Does this verse mean that I am doomed to marry someone with a terrible past like me ....Can I or do I even deserve to think about marrying someone pure?Not so pure :(

Dearest TRYING to be Pure,

First of all, ma'shaAllah at you for coming back to Islam and trying your best to practice it now.

Before we look at your question, I understand that you led a not so pure life before and that you worry now about whether you will be forgiven or not. Let me completely reassure you on that part: 

Allah  is the Most Forgiving. He says in the Quran: 

“Say: O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”[al-Zumar 39:53]. 

and Allah NEVER EVER goes back on His word. And He has promised that sincere repentance wipes out the deed. And that He is the Most Forgiving. The Most Merciful. The One who can even change our bad deeds to good deeds.

Sister, every single day you get is a new chance for you to draw closer to Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala. Each new day is a chance for a complete fresh start. One TEAR DROP of regret from you could weigh more in Allah's scale than years of salah done casually (or without the person's heart really involved).

Abu Umama Sudayy ibn 'Ajlan al-Bahili reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said to me, said, "There is nothing which Allah Almighty loves more than two drops and two steps: a drop of tears shed out of fear of Allah and a drop of blood shed in the way of Allah. And the two steps are a step in the way of Allah Almighty and a step towards one of the obligations of Allah Almighty." [at-Tirmidhi]

^Just keep taking steps closer to Allah!

And do not...do not belittle Allah's Mercy and Forgiveness.  Has He not covered you when you sinned? Did He not conceal your faults? Then, why do you think He would "leave you" when you have come back to Him? 

Now, as for the issue of whether or not you are doomed to marry someone impure because you led an impure life...

- First of all, as we said, already, you repented. Sincere repentance erases the sin. So there's no reason to keep thinking of yourself as 'impure'.
- Second, the verse you mentioned actually has many different tafsirs. Although I am not a scholar, I want to point out one thing that many people who do not speak Arabic do not realize concerning this verse:

The word 'women' and 'men' is not actually stated in the Arabic verse of the Quran. Instead, what we see is the suffix used to indicate the masculine and feminine. This is important to keep in mind because words in Arabic, whether they have a biological gender or not, are considered 'masculine' or 'feminine'. For example, the word 'table' ends with the feminine suffix. In this case, what is "implied" could be understood to refer to men and women, but not necessarily. 

 Now, let's look at another translation of the verse and some information from a sheikh about it:

Bad statements are for bad people (or bad women for bad men) and bad people for bad statements (or bad men for bad women)”[al-Noor 24:26] l Some of them said that it refers to bad and good words, so the meaning of the verse is: Evil words are for evil men, and evil people are for evil words, and good words are for good people, and good people are for good words. Others said that it refers to evil and good actions. So the meaning of the verse is: Evil actions are for evil men, and evil people are for evil actions, and good actions are for good people, and good people are for good actions. The third opinion concerning this verse is that evil and good refer to people with regard to marriage. So the meaning of the verse is: evil women are for evil men, and evil men are for evil women, and good women are for good men, and good men are for good women. There is no reason why the verse cannot be understood in all these senses, although the most obvious meaning is the first one mentioned, and this is the opinion of the majority of mufassireen.From: http://islamqa.info/en/103845

Another site says:

1. With regard to the previous verses that were about chaste women and the affair of 'Ifk and  with regard to the sentence: "... such are innocent of that which they say...",  the verse means that the evil words such as calumny and slander are  appropriate for malicious people, and pure and nice words are suitable for pure persons.

294  2. It is possible that the purpose of the verse is intellectual, doctrinal,  ethical conformity, so as to say that man and wife must be matching and  soft-hued with each other. It means that every person naturally seeks an  individual of the same wavelength. In other words, vile persons are  after evil ones and on the contrary good persons are after good ones.  3. It is possible that the purpose of the verse is stating a religious ordinance,  meaning that marriage of good persons with malicious ones is unlawful. It is  like the third verse of this Sura, which says: "The fornicator shall not marry save a  fornicatress or an idolatress ...". Imam Baqir (a.s.) in a tradition confirms this meaning, too.[1]

http://www.coiradio.com/library/library/quran/light/light_11/024/26.htm

You see how this verse might not even be discussing marriage?  

But what if it is...?
Well, it doesn't doom you to marrying someone 'impure'.  You have changed. That's what counts. Since you have repented, there is no reason for you to continue to count yourself as someone 'impure or bad'. 

I know you have your heart set on marrying this man and you're wondering if you deserve him. Well, sister, Allah promises in the Quran something really important:

Whoever does good whether male or female and he is a believer, We will most certainly make him live a happy life, and We will most certainly give them their reward for the best of what they did. (16: 97)

 By coming back to Islam, you fall under this promise, inshaAllah. You deserve happiness. But it doesn't necessarily have to be by marrying this man that you will lead a happy life. I don't want you to be build your life on this man. What you need to be doing is building your dreams and trust in ALLAH: having faith that Allah will choose a good spouse for you. Allah knows who best will help you on His path,whether that person be that MSA leader or someone else who maybe also had a past. Allah knows who will be the companion that will bring the most joy and who will understand you best. 

Remember, marriage is not about marrying the perfect person.The reality is that no one IS PEREFCT. It is about marrying the perfect person for YOU. Someone who will be your shelter, your protector, someone who will smile at your jokes and understand where you come from and who you are....

Well, sister, I hope this helps you a bit. May Allah keep you steadfast on His deen,

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The heartache...

Assalamualaykum dear sis,
one year aga, a brother and i agreed to get married in the future..however last week he decided to call it off since his parents object the idea of inter-culture marriage...and this is very difficult for me...alhamdulilah ala kuli hal..i want to move on but part of me was afraid of changes and still have hope that it will happen in the long future...it feels that i cudnt make any decision...

i ask Allah to turn my heart away, but why the hope is still there..i dont want the things that Allah has never written for me..I just want Allah to be please with me....

what should i do?

Please make doa for me

jazakallah khayran...

miss confuse

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,

Dearest Miss Confused,

I was heartbroken when I received your e-mail. I can imagine how excited you were about 'your marriage'.....One whole year! I can imagine that you were already preparing your life for marriage, imaging your family together, planning even maybe your children's names.

So, I was definitely very sad for you when I received the e-mail.  I was disappointed to read that the issue of 'interracial' marriage and his parent's agreement hadn't come up before.

But now, habibti, as harsh as this sounds (and I know it's a bitter pill to swallow), is the part that has to do with you.
You have to understand that you went about it the wrong way. As soon as this brother came to you, you should have given him your wali's number/e-mail. There's no such thing as you and him promising each other to get married....Your agreement should have been openly made and it should have involved your parents right from the beginning.

You would have been spared all this heart ache....You would have not wasted a year of your life on a broken promise. Your heart and mind would be open to other people...

I know that it hurts to read that, but I had to tell you that (and the sisters reading this)so that the next time someone comes to you, you know how to react and the lesson that you have to take away from this experience.

That said, let me offer you a hug!

As for what you're going to do now, you're going to have to give yourself some time.You can’t be expected to get over all your feelings at once…..you spent a long time, envisioning a future with him. It will definitely take time to get over him…

1. You need to decide that you can/ will get over him. It's natural to 'hope' that you will get back together, but you just have to remind yourself of the facts of the situation.
A: He has told you clearly that his parents will not agree to the marriage
B. He's called it off.
C. (It sounds like he never talked to your parents in the first place)/

That means, it's time to accept the present and hope for a different future. 


2. Get rid of anything that reminds you of him so that you don’t open the wounds all over again..

Get rid of his e-mail/ telephone number/ presents/ etc. Delete any of his old e-mails, messages, anything that you have of him.

Put it away all in a box and tell it goodbye. Bury that box/ throw it in the garbage/ etc.

3. Write down what you really liked about him. What are the qualities that you were attracted to? Once you've written them down in a list form (e.g. prays 5 times, nice to his mother, has a sense of humor, is gentle), sit down and examine them. Are these only his qualities?

No, they're not.

These are QUALITIES and they are not owned by him/ found only in him. You will find those qualities again in a different person. A better person. Someone meant only for you, inshaAllah.

4. Don't be too alone during this time. Keep yourself occupied so that you don't have time to let your mind wander to thoughts of him. Volunteer somewhere, help the poor people during this 'cold winter time', read new books....Start doing the things you kept delaying and wanted to do. Join a halaqah! Seek knowledge.

5. What else? Write down your own wonderful qualities. What do you like about yourself? What can you bring to a marriage? The reason why I say this is because all too often when you are 'left' by someone, it's easy start to blame yourself and wonder if you are are unworthy/bad in some way. You are not 'bad'. You just have a different future, a different person in store for you.

6. Make Dua. Make dua that Allah grants you someone better, inshaAllah. I know that you told me to make dua for you, but the most important thing is for YOU to make dua for yourself.


May Allah make things easier for you.

Sisters reading this...if any of you have also 'promised' a brother to marry him, take this warning seriously. I know how easily we can dismiss other people's stories..."That would never happen to me. He's different. I'm different...' but why take the chance? Islamically it has been made very clear that a girl's wali must be involved; this is for YOUR OWN protection and happiness. WALLAHI, sisters, there is no reason for me to say this except that I love each and every one of you and do not want anyone to taste the sadness that this sister must be going through.

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Before you become his wife/ move in

Asalamu aliakuam!
May Allah bless you all for this wonderful blog. I just want to ask you regarding marriage. It is said that we must prepare our mind and spirit for the tremendous responsibility after marriage. This is because some of us enter into marriage with the hope that everything is going to be like in 'cloud seven' or just 'love and fresh air' and everything else is going to be taken care of...hehe..that's true but due to having lack of knowledge and preparation of the responsibilities could detriment the marriage in the future. Can you please help me in what should I prepare myself with and how? :) And I want to ask if the spouse is from different culture, what do i have to prepare myself to face the 'cultural gap' between the spouses.

Jazakillah khayran for this & sorry for the trouble.
Love you for Allah sake

Sister Muffin

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

Dear Sister Muffin!
My little cupcake! Mabrook on your engagement and upcoming marriage :) You know I hesitated to answer this question because...well...we're not married....I mean, not a single one of us, hehe, and so the most we can offer you is 'theoretical advice' rather than advice founded on experience and real knowledge. I was almost going to turn this question down, but then decided I would give it a shot and count on our lovely readers here to share their insightful wisdom, inshaAllah. hint. Hint. Hint :P)...

So...
How does one prepare themselves for marriage?

Well, to fix the whole "It's going to be all rosy/whatever", I would say we have 3 things we need to look into (after reading about marriage from an Islamic point of view and understanding the obligations upon you).

1. YOU
Get to know yourself.
I don't mean "Hi, what's your name" kinda thing (now that would be bonkers, hehe, even for Little Auntie, here :P).

What I do mean is really look into your soul. Do some soul searching.

• Do you have a bit of a temper?
• Is there something that you've seen in marriages around you that worries you about marriage? Is there some hidden fear you have? Can this 'fear' affect your own marriage?
• What are your spending habits? Are you a spender? Is there a void you're trying to fill?

In essence- do you need closure on something? A lot people think that once they get married, they'll be starting a new life and that maybe even their husband/wife will be their free therapist or that their problems will magically disappear....

But actually, darlin', chances are that if you need to get closure on something, it's not going to go away but make itself right at home in the middle of your married life. Your fears/worries/ will resurface in different ways again and again in marriage.  Now, that, my little friend, can result in chaos, if not properly handled. So why not take the time now to 'understand yourself more', 'what drives you', 'what scares you', and 'why you react to certain things in certain ways'?

What else?
Well, we do a LOT of things automatically, without even thinking. Get to know these things.


For example: when I come home from work, I have a habit of running into my room, changing my clothes, and leaving my (stinky, hehe) abaya, niqab and khimar on the bed.

Now, while I might not care about the 'pile' of clothes I end up having on my bed, a future hubby might. He might get really irritated by this habit.

Here's another one (for some reason, I've decided it's "Let's Embarrass Little Auntie day or something). Sometimes, I decide to brush my teeth outside of the bathroom, even in my own bedroom. I brush for a bit and then run to the bathroom and rinse. (You can lay it down to the fact that the bathroom isn't that big)... The point is, that is something that might seriously disturb a husband- seeing his 'little bride' with foam in her mouth ;)

So what I would suggest is writing down your daily schedule and writing down some of your habits. What are some things your hubster- or any room mate, including yourself- might not like? What are some things you can improve right now? I suggest making a list of 10 things.

Think of everything and anything. Granted, there will be some things that are just 'eccentric/cute/you"- I'm not telling you to completely change yourself but to look at yourself from an outsider's point of view and see what might 'annoy' someone about you . Choose 4 or 5 of these things in the list and think about what you can do to possibly fix these things. 

There will also be things out of your control. Take my allergies. Because of my allergies, I suddenly cannot have the a.c. or fan on for more than a few minutes. My brother complains I keep the house a 'sauna'....This is something that could 'annoy a husband' but I have been given strict doctor orders as well, so it's something really not in my control. It's just something I have to learn to deal with/live with and so does Mr. Husband.Do you have anything like that?  Let your husband know before hand. And learn to live with them and make peace with them.



2. Him
- The next thing you need to prepare yourself with is getting to know him more...first as a man in general and second as 'your man'...Understand that he will be different from your 'girl best friend'.
- Read more about differences between men and women in terms of communication, problem-solving, needs, reactions to stress, etc.
- Then, once you've signed the Nikah (but presumably haven't moved in, yet), get to know more about your husband. Ask him things, spend time with him, etc. What does he like? Not like? His biggest pet peeves? What makes him anxious? What's his daily schedule like? When does he hang out with friends? etc.
-Consider the fact that he has his own daily habits and style and that these may 'clash' with yours...(Ask yourself how will you deal with it, if he insists on drinking from the milk carton, for example?)

3. Cultural Differences
So, it seems like you're from different cultures. There are a lot of things to consider there.
a.Do you speak the same language?
b. What cultural expectations does he have of a wife? What is his understanding of the relationship between his wife and her in-laws? Does he expect you to live together? Visit often? Etc.
c. What culture will your children follow?
d. What are you going to do if you have differences in child-up bringing. (E.g. your culture thinks that children and their parents should be friends and his culture thinks that children and their parents should have a relationship based on 'respect')
e. Day to day differences:
- What kinds of food does he prefer? Spicy? Mild?
-
f. What are some cultural red flags that you have/ that he has?

Basically, to bridge the gap, you need to discuss things with him and read more about his culture.

These are 'starting points' for you to work on....

What else? How do you prepare yourself for the responsibilities of marriage?
-Try budgeting with your parents for a month.
-If you have some nieces and nephews, take care of them....for an entire day without their parents. How comfortable are you around children? Once you've signed the nikah, you guys could even baby sit together. (Just to give you a taste of what's in store).

- Find out what time your hubby will leave for work and try waking up and making breakfast at that time :P
-Ask married friends and relatives!





InshaAllah the other sisters will share their much needed experiences!

Lots of love,

p.s. just for fun, you're also welcome to share any personal 'quirks'/ 'eccentricies' in the comments section ;)

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Stop Hitting On My Husband, please.

Assalaam alaikum dear little aunties,first off I'd like to say that you have an amazing corner in here may Allah reward you guys for all of your efforts & willingness to help others. I love all of your answers. I've been intending to write to you in a while then I thought my situation is a bit absurd but now it's getting out of control.

I'm a young newlywed and Alhamdulillah I've married an amazing religious guy but there is this little problem, the problem is, he's actually "too good looking" a lot of people would think that I'm mad saying this but I feel it's a source of concern more than anything else, it made me live in a constant worry and I want to end this !

Whenever we go out, there is always some random girl staring at him, eventually it spoils my mood and ruins our entire evening, it's sad how some girls keep no Haya by never lowering their gaze, there was actually this girl at the checkout shamelessly hitting on him, I could tell he got really annoyed & very uncomfortable but the whole thing made me even more uncomfortable but I never show anything whilst I'm burning inside.

All of this caused me to avoid going out with him, I know this is a bad solution but I can't control how much it gets to me, I've been having some really dark thoughts about asking for a divorce or at least confront him with the truth and how all of this makes me sometimes not even wanting to look at him. Despite all of his flaws he's a really sweet & caring husband but I'm not happy and I don't want to lose him, I feel truly blessed & I want to be the good wife that he deserves and I can't be while I'm always worried and sad. what should I do? Please help me!! :'( I'm desperate for some advice and I hope to get an answer ASAP! I'm about to lose my mind...Jazakllah khair.
Worried Newlywed

Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

Dearest Worried NewlyWed!

Awww honey, let me give you a big hug! I don't think you're 'mad" for saying this. I think that each and every one of us has our own trials that we have to face and that they are very 'real for each of us'. No matter what people "think", you're obviously really hurting and you sound very miserable:( That's why I'm glad you decided to talk to somebody about your problem. The truth is it's a LOT better to talk to someone you can trust about your problems than to sit down and make 'misery and pain' your only constant companions and end up making a decision you'll regret for the rest of your life.

So....go ahead and sit down and make yourself comfy. Here's a cup of chocolate milk and some chunky Dairy Milk cadbury chocolate :D

Are you feeling a little better?

Hunny, before I give you my thoughts though on your specific situation, I do want to tell you something really important. It's really important that we do not entertain any thoughts of divorce (if there's nothing seriously wrong with the marriage, itself). Why? Ever heard of this saying:

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny

The truth is that our thoughts are not just a single 'thought'.... When we think one thought, we immediately follow it with another...and to a certain extent, we 'live a bit in those thoughts'. When you begin to consider having a divorce, you start to give yourself reason to believe that divorced life would be better and easier to deal with. It starts becoming a sanctuary to you when in reality, it is nothing of that sort. (This is for those with just a few issues that need to be resolved and not people suffering with abusive partners and the like).

So then..what's my advice?

Start off with a sincere belief in wanting your marriage to succeed. And then, take the steps needed to resolve this single issue.

What kinda steps? Well, ask yourself some big questions here:

1. What if it was you who was good looking and young men were hitting you? Would you want your husband to consider leaving you for an action that you did not commit? Do you think that's really fair? Who is at fault here? The women with horrible, bad manners or your hubby?

2. Do you trust your husband? If not, why not? Because he's good looking? Didn't you say that he's religious?You see, just because a person is 'attractive', doesn't mean that they have more of a chance of doing something wrong. What it boils down to is whether or not the person fears Allah and understands what marriage is about. A really 'unattractive man' could cheat with hundreds of girls if he wanted. Cheating isn't about a person's looks, then. It's about a person's character/moral/values.

3. Is this about YOU or about him? Are you worried that you're not good enough/ attractive enough for him? That he'll leave you? Remember, Allah chose you for him. You are a beautiful person. YOU have to believe that you are beautiful and worthy of his love in order to project that...If you believe you're someone 'not good enough', you're going to just end up letting him believe that....and that's all utter nonsense, anyways.

4. Do these women know him? Do they know his favorite food? How he laughs? What he likes to do when he's come back from work? What he wants to do with his life? No. They do not. When these women walk past him, they're what? Going to think of him for 15 minutes, max. They don't know him. You KNOW him. His faults...who he is...what he likes.. what he's scared of. You've got an emotional, spiritual connection and that counts way more than looks.Remember that. They're just passer by's. You're his wife. And it was Allah who chose it that way.

OKay, so you've asked yourself some questions.....

Now it's time for a plan of action.

1. You should talk to your husband about your feelings. You should tell him that 'those girls drive you nuts' and make you feel uncomfy. And that you're a little jealous. Chances are, he'll feel flattered AND he'll be more considerate of your feelings.

2. Ask him if it would be possible if he would hold your hand/ show some sign that he's with you when those girls do that. That would make you feel more reassured and would hopefully send the warning to those girls. You could even ask your husband to wear something like a 'thobe', even (depending where you live) or things that don't highlight his body/looks too much.

3. Think of different places you could go to: a boat ride- a picnic in the park- a visit to an art museum- etc.


4. Continue to build your spiritual life together. Pray together. Read Qur'an together. Listen to lectures together. Also, ask him about his day at work. Talk to him. Having the spiritual connection and emotional connection is a lot more important than 'any looks'.

5.  Think of 5 great things about him and how you don't want to lose him. Forget his flaws. Forget those girls. And thank Allah he's in your life. Make dua that Allah blesses your marriage and that things get better and better.

Well, hunny, that's my little advice. I want to turn this over to any married girls here, though, and ask what they think? Sisters, what would you do? :)

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A Good Man is Hard to Find

I'm surrounded by guys and fitna, and there's all this pressure to get married or engaged. It's really starting to get to me. I guess my basic question is: how do I maintain my deen and iman and still find a good guy and deal with temptation.
I'm really confused so I hope you can help. INSHALLAH!

Dearest Single N' Wanting to Get Married,

Asalamu aliaukam!,

Oh sister...Let me guess your situation.

You're a little older than 25 and every other month, some friend or cousin announces she's getting married. You're starting to freak out- where is your Mr. Hubby' and more importantly why hasn't he made his grand entrance, yet...? Your mom's probably on your back (like we can just snap our fingers and he'll magically appear or something) and you're starting to dread going to family reunions because all you ever get asked is "did you get engaged, yet/ why aren't you married"? You've got friends who have guys on their Facebook and you're thinking "Maybe you should give it a shot..."

I know exactly how you feel.

Frustrated....anxious.. worried...panicky....

Am I right or am I right? ;)

But let me tell you right now, sis, Facebook is not the answer. Neither is 'speed dating' or getting to know your 'Muslim guy colleague'.

Never consider doing something forbidden or haram to find Mr. Right. That’s not going to get you the right guy. You have to believe that ALLAH is the One who brings people together-doing what He has forbidden you to do is only going to bring you away from Allah and leave you in misery.

In fact, you have to realize that it ALL starts with the right intentions. Ask yourself some serious questions. Why do you want to get married? What is the purpose of marriage to you? Is it just 'the next step' you have to reach? OR do you sincerely want to get married to start a family that worships Allah and knows Islam well?

If you want to get married for the sake of Allah and you want His blessings, then you've got to do things the way He has ordained.

I know- I know....that's what you're asking me. How do you get married/ find a guy?

Well, it starts with Dua. Make sincere dua to Allah. Tell Him that you're going to do things His way because you want His pleasure. Wake up in the last third of the night and ask Allah.

Number 2: Get your family involved. As much as we all dread the ""I've got someone for you" squint look from certain auntie figures in our lives", our family is our greatest network. Seriously, forget facebook... your family network is a lot more reliable. Tell your family that you are seriously ready for marriage and are looking for good, religious available guys who are X and Y (give a little information on the kind of guy you're looking for). And the next time a relative asks you "Did you get engaged, yet?", smile at them and say, "No, I haven't. I'm still looking. Tell me if you know any good guys! Or please pray for me."

And you know what? Give that auntie who has some guy for you a chance. Maybe she's not your cup of tea but maybe the guy she brings for you will be..

Number 3: Get involved with the Muslim community. They key is socializing more....that is, with women. Go to Friday prayers. Say salaams to people and get to know the sisters there. Volunteer at any charities/ mosque events/ etc. Join halaqahs, go to conventions, be active within your Muslim community. Agree with another single friend that you'll be on the lookout for any brothers for her and could she also be on the look out for you? Another thing you can try doing is speaking to like the Imam’s wife/ etc. about getting married.

Number 4: Tackle what is STOPPING you. Do you have some kind of fear? Or problem standing in the way? Think about joining a course/ program like "Finding Your Other Half" by Practimate (Megan Wyaat). Check out their 10 Simple Steps to Getting Married:over here. Also, work on anything that could 'stand in the way of a marriage succeeding' like temper problems, moodiness, etc. Take the time now to improve yourself and work on any issues you may have.

Number 5: Be patient. Remember, Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala has a plan for us. He knows who is best for YOU. So don't worry. And remember, Allah ewards us based on our intentions. If you've already made pure intentions, you're being rewarded for that...right now! Every time you do not go on facebook to talk with guys to find a hubby, you are being rewarded for that, inshaAllah...

and remember that marriage is not the 'goal' but a means to help us in our goal/ purpose- to worship Allah.


Sisters..what do you think? What's your advice? Suggestions? :)

p.s. you could think of joining a matrimonial website, provided that your wali is involved with the whole thing :)

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He Doesn't Have a Degree

I recently received a proposal from a brother that is said to be religiously practicing. His family is also known to us. My parents seem happy with the proposal and I am a little happy too, but there's something bothering me. He didn't go to university. I have a B.A. degree and I just feel a little weirded out by that. He does have a job though and is financially ready for marriage. Do you think I'm making a big deal over nothing?

Sister in Need of Advice,

Dear Sister in Need of Advice,
Boy oh boy...can it be seriously confusing when you get a proposal. It's like your whole world changes in one day! All of a sudden, you're thinking about being somebody's wife...

I understand your parents are happy with the proposal, but it’s YOU who is going to live with the guy. You are going to be his wife, so definitely if you have anything worrying you, it's best to address it....

So..let's take a look at this education thing...I do personally think that education is a factor in determining compatibility between couples but it's not the only thing. In other words: having the same degree level doesn't necessarily make 'two people' compatible; there are a lot of other things to keep in mind, including even the values 'behind' the education.

Huh? Think about it. When we talk about 'education level', we usually think of it as showing a person's ambition, their drive, their commitment..

What you need to think about is:

a. Does he VALUE education or not? Does he see a point in it? Do you agree? What if he says he doesn’t care about your kids getting college degrees? What if he won’t pay for that? Is it important for you that your kids have degrees? How important is education to you? How important are grades? What if he wants his children to be 'unschooled'?

The idea here is: Do you have the same outlook on life? Do you see the same things as being important? Do you agree on the definition and role of education?

b. What is the reason that he did not continue his education? Was it simply because he didn’t want to or was it circumstances? Has he shown any interest in pursuing a higher degree? If not, are you attracted to him MENTALLY? Can you accept him as he is, RIGHT NOW?

c. What did he study in school? What kinda of life has he led? Even if he didn’t’ pursue a B.A., you know he might be a LOT more educated than you in certain things….education isn’t only about books, right. You said he ‘works’. What does he work as? Do you respect what he works as?

In an ideal world, we would all recognize that a degree on the wall does not guarantee a person’s education…and a lack of degree does not reflect a person’s (lack) of integrity or a person’s character. This is the basic fact. I have met people without a degree who seemed far more advanced than others who got a degree….

But in our real world, we have to realize that people will ‘talk’. You will find people asking you ‘what did your husband major in’…’what does he do’….etc. Are you prepared for that? Will you be ashamed of him or will you be proud of him?

I believe that a marriage has to be founded on respect……do you respect him? Will you stand up for him?

Have you thought about what will happen 15 years from now? What if he’s still doing the same job? Is that okay? Or has he mentioned any plans/ shown that he has ambition to become something different…..? Again, do you respect him right now and do you think you will respect him 15 years from now?

IF you do respect him and you know that you have the same outlook on life….well why not? Our Prophet Mohammed salah alahoo alyhaee wa salam was an illiterate man…but he was the BEST husband out there!!

Remember, there are a LOT more things that are also important to consider :)

• Would he make a good father?
• Would he teach his children Islam?
• Do you share the same goals/ or vision in life? You said he's practicing. What is his definition of practicing? What is yours?
• Have you talked about whether he would allow you to work and all that yada yada? What does he expect from a wife? Who will be in charge of the financial stuff (you know Islamically it’s the man, right, hehe)…..

Yeah, you really need to talk to HIM…err, with a wali present and get some answers

Why? Well, let’s just say that BEFORE you talk to a suitor it can be very hard for you to decide..but once you talk to him (and not just ‘talk’ but discuss ‘marriage’ and ‘how marriage life is going to be’…who is going to do what and all…) things get a little more clearer.

What else? Well, have you tried istikharah? That is the most important thing to do. Ask Allah to let it happen if he is good for you and to keep him away from you if he is bad for you. Allah will never fail you :)

I can’t think of what else to write but I did try to search a bit for you..try reading this…

I also found these two interesting quotes:

Compatibility does not hinge on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn't something you have. It's something you make. It's a process, one that you negotiate as you go along. Again and again. It's a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200411/the-truth-about-compatibility?page=2

There is no such thing as a compatible couple. All couples disagree about the same things: money, sex, kids, time. So, it's really about how you manage your differences. If there is chemistry, then the whole courtship is about convincing yourself and others that you are compatible. But, really, you create compatibility. And then, eventually, maybe in 25 years, you will become soul mates. —Diane Sollee, founder and director, Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education

I hope these things help you out a bit. Remember, you're not saying that he's a bad guy because he doesn't have a B.A. or that you're better than him. You're just wondering if he is 'best suited' to you or not..

May Allah give you what is best!! Keep us updated girlie :)

And sisters..what do you think? Any advice for her? :)

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Half of One's Deen.

Do Muslims have to get married?
B.T.

Dear BT,

Do Muslims HAVE to get married?

I know that unfortunately today, there are a LOT of Muslim girls who are wary of marriage because of backward cultural ‘customs’ they've seen in certain marriages. It doesn’t help that some Muslim parents keep telling their daughters things like “Oh, you can’t cook. You’re such a disgrace. What will your in-laws do with you/ what will your husband do with you?” Etc. etc. –making marriage seem a lot like serving a sentence in jail…and being all cooped up and all. :( 

The reality is that  when both partners are well-informed of Islam, their obligations and rights, marriage is not so bad. It is hard work, but Islamically, husbands and wives should be garments for each other, protecting each other and caring for each other.

Allah subhanoo Wa’ Tala also states:

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect”

[al-Room 30:21]

But anyways, on to your question =)

Let’s take a look at what the scholars have to say. This is quoted from Islam Q&A:

You should note that people are not all the same when it comes to marriage. The basic principle that marriage, which was the way of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), is prescribed, applies to all people, but it may be more important in the case of some people than others.


Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

With regard to marriage, people are of three types:

1 – Some fear that they may fall into haraam things if they do not get married. Such a person has toget married, according to the majority of fuqaha’, because he has to keep himself chaste and protect himself against doing haraam things, and the way to do that is getting married.

2 – For some it is mustahabb. This is the one who feels desire but there is no danger of his falling into haraam. It is better for him to get married than to devote himself to naafil acts of worship. This is the view of ashaab al-ra’y and it is the view of the Sahaabah (may Allaah be pleased with them and their deeds).

3 – Those who have no desire, either because they were not created with any desire, such as one who is impotent, or they had desire but it has disappeared due to old age, sickness and so on. There are two opinions:

(i) It is mustahabb to get married because of the general meaning of what we havediscussed.
(ii) Remaining single is better for him because he cannot achieve the purpose of marriage, and he would be preventing his wife from becoming chaste by marrying someone else. And he would be harming her by keeping her for himself, and he is exposing himself to obligations and duties that perhaps he cannot fulfil, and he is distracting himself from seeking knowledge and worship with something that is of no benefit to him.

[Remember]

It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:

Three people came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asking about the worship of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). When they were told, it was as if they regarded it as too little. They said: Who are we in comparison to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)? Allaah has forgiven his past and future sins. One of them said: As for me, I will pray all night forever. Another said: I shall fast all my life and never break my fast. Another said: I shall keep away from women and never get married. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came and said: “Are you the ones who said such and such? By Allaah, I am the one who fears Allaah the most among you and I am the most pious, but I fast and I break my fast, I pray and I sleep, and I marry women. Whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not of me.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5063) and Muslim (1401).

Taken from here

And also:

The benefits of marriage are many. They include: protecting one’s religion and helping one to adhere to it; protecting and taking care of women; and producing offspring and increasing the ranks of the ummah, thus achieving the pride of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), etc. And here

Think about it. With marriage, you can have a family.....and inshaAllah if you raise them well, they could be the very next Salah Ad-Din :)

ETA- that doesn't mean that you marry the first guy or you just get married because of cultural expectations. It means that you do NOT rule out marriage and that you are willing to get married to the right guy :)

Lots of love,

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Is it a Sign?

I'm in a bit of conffuzling situation. I have gotten a proposal from a good brother, alhamdullah. He is from a practicing family and he is well known in the community. There are a few small differences though that we have that are making my family scared from accepting, but for the most, I'm willing to overlook them because I think deen is the most important thing, inshaAllah. Well, my problem is that I prayed istikharah and I didn't have any dreams or anything that showed me what to do. My mother says she had a bad dream, though. Do I take that as a sign? What counts when it comes to istikharah. I'm very confused.

Dear Confuzzled,


I had the biggest smile when I read your e-mail. You know why?

 It’s because I very much feel for you- am excited for you about at this prospect- happy and at the same time understand the internal dilemma

So, let's get to the root of this.... What should we 'see/ feel' after istikhara? 

Well, while 'our aunties' in real life/ people in the community, talk about signs happening....when it comes to istikhara, you're not actually going to see some "neon Sign" telling you "ACCEPT HIM. Allah says so".

Okay, okay, nobody expects a neon sign, but the truth is, a lot of people think you 'have to get some dream' or something like that. Contrary to what many people believe, that’s not necessary.  The most important thing is for you to ‘move forward’ because in the dua you say, “Take him away from me/ bring him to me if he is good/ bad for me."

From Islam Q &A:

It is not necessary in the case of istikhaarah to feel something specific afterwards. Rather if you consult people and think deeply about the matter, and it becomes clear to you that this matter will be beneficial both in religious and worldly terms, then you should pray istikhaarah and go ahead, and not wait for a sign or a dream or a feeling. You should rather put your trust in Allaah and go ahead after praying istikhaarah.

And also: The correct view is that when Allaah makes something easy for you – after having decreed it and accepted your du’aa’ – this is a sign that it is good to go ahead and do it. The existence of obstacles and difficulties is an indication that Allaah is pushing His slave away from doing it. This meaning will be very clear when one ponders the meaning of the hadeeth of Jaabir concerning al-istikhaarah, where the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“… O Allaah, if You know this affair – [and here he should mention it] – is good for me in relation to my religion, my life, and end, then decree and facilitate it for me, and bless me with it, and if You know this affair to be ill for me towards my religion, my life, and end, then remove it from me and remove me from it, and decree for me what is good wherever it be and make me satisfied with such.” 

Another of the myths that are widespread among people is that after praying istikhaarah you should sleep, and whatever good you see in your dream that makes you happy means that what you want to do is good and will be made easy for you, otherwise it is not good.  There is no saheeh daleel (evidence) for this as far as we know. 

The above does not mean that if you feel happy it is not a sign, but this should not be regarded as the only sign about whether or not the matter is good. People often make istikhaarah about something they like or want to do, so they feel happy about it from the outset.

Shaykh al-Islam [Ibn Taymiyah] (may Allaah have mercy on him) said concerning the matter of feeling happy about something: if he makes istakhaarah, then whatever Allaah makes him feel happy about and makes easy for him, this is what Allaah has chosen for him. (Majmoo’ al-Fataawaa, 10/539).

Read more: http://www.forumpakistan.com/how-to-pray-istikhaarah-t32441.html#ixzz1LYvRbsOU

SO.....the fact that you didn't 'see' a sign doesn't mean anything bad and the fact that your mother had a bad dream could just be her worries playing out in her mind (rather than a 
Divine Message).


All in all- don't refuse him, yet!


Why don't you tell your mom something like "OKay, mom, I see that you're worried. How about you tell me some questions you want me to ask him when we formally meet (with the wali present of course :P)?" Since he is well known in the community, why don't you ask some people about his good qualities/ bad qualities/ etc.? No need to get too hasty. Do some research =)


I hope inshaAllah things go well for you. The Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam did tell us:

 If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be disorder in the earth and a great deal of evil."(Reported by At-Tirmidhi and others and classed asHasan)

May Allah give you what is best for you and who is best for your deen, dunya, and aakhirah! May He let the marriage happen if it is best for you =)


Lots of love,

(Icon from Easel and Ink :D the link is on the side of the blog)

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Love.

assalamualaikum. i love ur blog so much and this blog like come to me on the very right time. okay . this is about a friend of mine. she asked me a year ago

we know that marriage is somethng that we done for allah. we getting married for the sake of allah. to reach his bless.but she ask me'how can we ensure that by getting married, we can increase love to allah. we can increase our iman. how this works? she means that , how by married to someone that we LOVE, we can love allah more' i hope u get it cos im so bad at explaining. but really looking forward for your reply. in my side, i know the answer for her question. but im so lack of knowledge . i couldnt give her a very tiny specific answer that can satisfy her. so please help me... help my friend. help OUR SISTERS. thank you. assalamualaikum.

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatuallah wa barkatoo,

Dearest Wanting to Help Your Friend,

That’s a very interesting question!

Well, the truth is it begins even before marriage. The reality is that we have been encouraged to choose partners who are pious, who fear and love Allah, and who will help us strengthen our relationship with Allah.

Our Lord, grant us wives and offspring who will be the coolness of our eyes and guide us to be models for the righteous"(Al Furqan: 74)

"A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion(her character-piety-taqwa) . You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser."(Bukhari) 

 If a man whose religion and moral character are pleasing proposes to marry your daughter, then marry her off to him, otherwise there will be great mischief and corruption on earth."

Ideally, if we do that, if we choose someone who tries his or her best to be close to Allah, then this is bound to help our own imaan increase….and ultimately, our love for Allah to increase. You might be wondering “But how does that happen in practical terms?” Well, for one thing each partner could share ayahs, hadiths, lectures, books, and other things that touched them every once in a while… S/he could encourage each other to go to the mosque and so on. They will encourage each other to pray tahajjud, to raise their children to love Allah (which will bring them also to loving Him more), to take care of their parents, etc.

But there’s more.

Your love for Allah should also increase because He is the one who gave you your partner. At the end of the day, Allah is the Creator and the Razaq, and He is the one who willed for you two to be together. And just like any other blessing, you wouldn’t have each other’s love or companionship if He hadn’t willed that. Shouldn’t that make you feel thankful to Allah? And gratitude plays a big part in increasing our love for Allah. The more gratitude you have, the more you realize how Loving, Merciful, Close, Compassionate Allah is and the more that you love Him.

Think about it this way….

If someone were to get you an amazing gift…something you really really wanted….how would you feel about this person? As much as we’d be thrilled with the gift, it’s really the person who gave us the gift that would capture our heart. And to Allah belongs the most exalted examples.

At the same time, as much as you love your partner, it’s only natural that you two are going to face some problems. Let’s be honest….we’re humans and that means we have faults. No one is perfect and that means you are going to face problems and feel a little hurt every once in a while. Your spouse may not notice all that you do for him/her. S/he might offend you with a hurtful word…may not give you credit for something…

Now how should that make you feel closer to Allah? Because at those times, you should realize that no One ever can love you the way that Allah does or can treat you as well as Allah does. And that should make your love grow for Allah. He is the Only One who knows every single thing you do and appreciates it tremendously. He is the Only One who can hears you cry, without the tears even falling. No matter how much your husband does for you, no one can come close to Allah.

Certainly has Allah heard the speech of the one who argues with you, [O Muhammad], concerning her husband and directs her complaint to Allah. And Allah hears your dialogue; indeed, Allah is Hearing and Seeing. (1) (Surat Al Mujadilah) 

Well, sister, these are my ideas for your friend's question :D What do you guys think?

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If Looks Could Kill...

salam,

Let me start off by saying tht i LOVE ur blog! it beautiful and i just love ur answers :)

There was this family friend of my family that we used to know but I was never interested in. So, recently i stumbled upon his fb and myspace...The thing is I never used to think of him, but since seeing his pics on facebook, I've suddenly found that I have feelings for him.

I know I may be the MOST shallowest person on earth right now because i have feelings for him because of his looks...our families are close so i get to see him once in a while
now..hes not a good person..hes like a bad guy! hes not a good person, hes just not!

i forget bout him for a week or 2 than the feelings come back again!
ughhh...i feel sooo shallow for liking him casue im like going on the looks, im like only hoping hes better on the inside..but i know hes not

so my Q is how do i make these feelings go away?
how do i not be shallow anymore D:

Jzkallah!

Dear "Shallow",
awww, sis, your email made me smile. I love how you are very honest with yourself and realize that you like him simply for his looks. But you know, you don't sound like the 'most shallow person in the world'. And at least you realize it...so don't worry. I think you will get through this :)

Anyways, you know what I think the problem is? The problem is that we've been so conditioned by Hollywood/ Bollywood whatever wood to thinking that

'cute/handsome= happily ever'. 

*Errr..* 

And let's not forget the element of good girl changing "bad guy into good guy"....

But sweetie, this is real life. And in real life, we have to think beyond the moment. That is step number 1 to getting rid of this shallowness....

I mean think about it. So this guy is super cute/ has a killer smile/ is handsome. ....we girlies like cute people, but is cuteness going to make a relationship work? What happens when he grows old and ugly and becomes bald? Or gets really fat? Or all wrinkled up?

What happens when you're going to have to pay bills? Will his 'looks' be enough? If you were to get into an argument, how would he treat you? What does he think a wife is supposed to do? What does marriage mean to him? What kind of a father will he be? And hey, has he ever mentioned marriage? Is he the kind of person thinking about long term commitment or 'just about having fun'....Would his 'looks' be able to solve all this?

No, they really wouldn't.

And seriously, hunny, don't look at his facebook pictures..I mean think about it. What kinda pictures do people put up? I'll give you a hint. Always their best, right? That's not what you are going to be seeing, my love, when you wake up in the morning with him......Think 'slob/ bad breath/ toe clipper'. etc. Think about it. I know you said that you even see him in real life and I can bet that maybe your heart starts to thud and maybe you start to tingle when he's around.....

But you know what you gotta do? Lower your gaze, darlin'. Second......again...you are seeing the 'presented side of him'- the ideal version of him. Behind that charm, is someone whose values seriously contradict yours. And that is what you are going to be stuck with.....

And when you start to think of how differently you guys want to lead your lives...you'll realize that beauty fades away. It really does. If you married him solely for his looks and nothing else, one day you would wake up and find that you wouldn't find him handsome anymore. You would have no idea why you married him. But if you marry someone else, who had good character but looked 'pretty ordinary', chances are that you would begin to find that person more and more beautiful.

As for thinking that maybe you will change him....

Sweetie, let me give you advice my male professor once said. "Never marry a man with the hope that he will become someone else". Really, you can't take such a risk. You don't wanna build your happiness or marriages on a 'hypothetical situations...............on what you want to happen in the future'. You have to marry a person for who they are NOW and where THEY want to go/ be. Not who you want them to be. No matter how much you try to make someone change for the better, you can't change someone unless they want to change.

So, whenever you start to 'day dream about him', just remember: Marriage life takes WORK. You want someone who will treat you right and not someone you will be worried about what he's doing/ who he has been with/ etc. :)

And do take a look at this great post: http://sadaffarooqi.wordpress.com/2011/01/26/debunking-the-pretty-woman-myth-how-romance-novels-and-films-delude-youth/

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