I Don't Want to Marry a Stranger!

I really don’t want to marry a stranger….and I don’t want to marry my cousin, either! I know dating isn’t allowed, but I just can’t imagine spending my life with someone I don’t even love yet alone know. I’m only 17, so there’s still time before I get married, but I can’t help thinking about this.
Hopeless Romantic

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

How about you marry my cousin and I marry yours? LOL! I’m just kidding! Seriously, though, marriage in Islam is a beautiful and sacred partnership. Husband and wife are described as garments for one another and Allah calls their relationship ‘a sign’:

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. (30:21)

You’re not alone in your fears though. Many of us harbor the fear that our parents are going to shove us at a random stranger who we’ll only meet a few weeks before the wedding night….and who twenty years later, we’ll be wishing we never met.


Fears aside, let’s try to look at the marriage process a little more realistically.

How does the marriage process really work? Usually, it’s a community effort. No joke. What basically happens is that when you feel ready for marriage or sometimes when your mother (or real aunty) feel like you are ready for marriage (but you just don’t know it yet-LOL-), operation “Get her married” begins. Yup, the word starts spreading throughout the community. Other mothers pass the word. Neighbors join. Mothers of neighbors join. Neighbors of mothers of neighbors join…LOL! Somehow or another the entire community discovers that Helpless Romantic, X, Y, and Z are all eligible bachelorettes. Next, the community rolls up its sleeves and starts looking for Mr. Charming for each one. Essentially (and ideally), they look for someone with the same status, an appropriate age gap, similar education, similar level of religiosity, etc.

The next step is a little more interesting. Once they find someone who appears suitable, they give him your wali’s number. When he finally gets the nerve, Mr. Potentially Right calls up your wali. If your wali decides he’s worthy enough to meet you, you two get to meet. (Insert: dramatic music. Just kidding!) Before he comes, though, you should pray istikhara and make lots of dua.

Of course, while Daddy or Big Brother ( literally! or whoever your wali is) is present, you two start talking. You ask him all kinds of questions- about his child hood, his family, his views on: religion, money, parenting, etc. And of course you ask him about himself: what kind of traits he admires in himself, what he wants to improve, his pet peeves in general, his hobbies, etc. (Check out the The Big List of Questions! for a comprehensive list of questions- be careful though that you don’t bark these questions at him but that you work your way around them)

You don’t necessarily ask him all these questions in the first meeting. And that’s just it- you don’t only need to meet once. So long as you follow the Islamic guidelines and you have a wali present, you can meet a couple of times just to decide whether or not you think he really is suitable.  (After this, the ‘background criminal record check begins’—well, at least in my family’s side, lol. Seriously, usually your family will ask a few people who know this person’ what he’s like/his good qualities/his not so good qualities’, etc.)

But anyways…are you going to be singing  in the rain while all this  is happening?  Probably not. Are you going to be sighing all the time? Probably not. Are your toes going to curl? Again, probably not. (What is that supposed to mean anyway?!) You’re still going to feel your heart flutter a bit, excitement, nervousness, fear, etc but you’re not necessarily going to be in love with this person. Not yet. Is that really a bad thing, though? They say love is blind and for a reason. Do you really want to pick someone only with your heart? Wouldn’t you rather pick someone with your heart and mind?  That’s basically what Islam promotes. It doesn’t say ‘just marry anyone or any random stranger’- it says pick someone carefully. What’s so wrong about that?

  Also, don’t forget that in the Islamic way of getting married there is the nikah, or the “signing” of the contracts, a time period, and then the wedding night. It’s up to you- nowhere does it say you have to sign the contract and live with the person the very same night. You can take as long as you want to get to know the person (after you’ve signed the contract if you don’t want a wali to be present) before you decide to live with the person.  

But you know what? What you need to focus on, Hopeless Romantic, is not about marrying a stranger but that the person you do end up marrying doesn’t end up becoming a stranger! Honestly, cooperation, patience, open communication- these are all things  you need to focus on improving in yourself so that when you do get married, you don’t find yourself resenting Mr. Right.  I mean: let’s be honest with ourselves- right now, does your family really know YOU? I mean, the real you? Or are there some members in your family, who you’ve been seeing for the past 17 years everyday, who are just complete strangers to you? I’m not talking about “Oh- my brother is some weirdo from Mars” either…if you know what I mean?  

We’ve been brought up in a culture where the “magic kiss” transforms people’s lives to the better and “happily ever after’ is around the corner. Little Miss Aunty is going to tell you something….

Marriage is not all about holding hands and smooching under the patio with happy healthy kids jumping around.

  Marriage is a lot harder than that.

I once heard the expression: Love is not only a noun. It’s a verb. It requires doing. Every day. I also heard another quote that goes something like this: “I can’t tell you if you married the right person. I can tell you that if you treat him like the right person, it’ll work out”.

The truth is life changes us. Even if you marry someone you fell in love with, they could end up becoming a stranger as time passes. When you have phone bills, school fees, a roof that’s leaking, a sick child, and you can still smile at your hubby and laugh, then that’s true love.

And that kind of love requires work.  

Wishing that you find 'true love',

P.S. One really great series that deals with this issue from A-Z was written by sister Megan Wyatt. You can read the most important article, “The Fairytale that Never Was” or you can start from the beginning, which is also VERY important:  The Stupid Glass Slipper

P.S.S. While we’re on the subject, you should also check out “ Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person (Great link! Very good advice).