My Sister's Being Forced to Marry....

Asalamu aialkum! Well, first of all… CONGRATULATIONS to littleAunt's Wedding!! Mabrok mabrouk!! I am soo happy for her/you  little Auntie!! ;))))))  *jumpy*   I'll hug to this if I could! still… mabrouk!!  Wishing you, only the BEST. =DAlright alright… I have this sister of mine who like you is getting married too.. But I think the difference is… she doesn’t like the guy. No. I’m SURE, she doesn't like the guy. (it’s a long story, when I say Long I mean REAL long) it starts with my grandmother, she’s the one who prefer that man for my sister.. Because, as I heard, of his parents. ( a distant relative which she dotes upon)  there might not be a problem, except that; the guy smokes (my sister is asthmatic btw), drinks  alcohol, and party loudly (although he’s a muslim), doesn't really have a job right now.. in short, not the kind of man you would willing to get married with..  Uh, yeah. There’s evidence already.. We've seen them but not virtually though) Pictures.. We've see pictures.. (Is it wrong that we did some digging? No offence to him.)  We handed out those evidences that we gathered, to our grandmother and she was like.. ‘So? young people do stupid things” and was like “The wedding is STILL on! “ and we were like “!??????” yeah… we were SPEECHLESS. We thought our grandmother was processed or something. Kidding. I know, I’m sure she has a reason. But really!?  My father tried to talk his mother out of this but, she wouldn't budge. She still thinks this is what’s best for my sister, for all of us. (I don’t see her point, really. Maybe you could?)  My sister fought her battle with all her heart.. Tears after tears..  Swollen eyes after swollen eyes.. Eye bags after Eye bags (joke?)..  She became someone else after she’s slowly realizing that this is a losing battle, She’s cranky all the time!. Sigh~ I could only pity her.. I wish I can help but.. I’m just a kid. Just a kid with nothing yet a say in this family. Here comes the problem… She accepted that she has to do It. She will have to be a sacrificial lamb. That there would be a wedding. but she claimed that she would never ever take part in consummating the marriage. That she’ll save her dowry for divorce. That she will act like there’s no wedding happened. Now, what should I say to her? Doing that is like a SIN, right? Once He become her husband, it’s customary the she obliged HIM no matter what, right? I don’t want her to commit this sin, If ever. Told you it’s a long story! This is not even the half of it. =D but I really need help, I love her and this kid want to help ... =( Concern bystander

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barakatoo,
First of all,our  thanks a lot hunny bunny for your sweeet words =) Hug and LOVE received! Jazakillah khairyan <3 nbsp="">

Second of all, I was so so so sad to read what you wrote about your sister. Your grandmother really doesn't have the right to do that, at all. From what you've described, there is nothing whatsoever particularly  to like or look forward to about this guy...(and no, that was totally completely correct to do a little digging! One should take 'bi al asbab' or use the means available to them when embarking on a big decision like marriage)...Maybe your grandmother finds his mistakes 'simple', but she's not the one marrying the guy. 

So here's the thing....

I can't really discuss the fiqh issue of whether or not your sister could do that, but I can give some advice:

I really really want you to tell your sister that NOBODY CAN FORCE HER TO GET MARRIED WITHOUT HER CONSENT. Yes, she has an alternative plan, but the reality is that she doesn't even need that plan.

Islam has made the woman's consent a condition for a marriage.

At the time of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), a woman came to him and said, “My father has married me to my cousin to raise his social standing and I was forced into it.” The Prophet sent for the girl’s father and then in his presence gave the girl the option of remaining married or nullifying the marriage. She responded, “O Messenger of Allah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to show other women (that they could not be forced into a marriage).” 

Tell her: don't give your consent!  

a) She needs to tell your father or WALI she will not go through with the marriage. The marriage requires her father's consent and not her grandmother's.She can show her wali the pictures and explain that even if young people make mistakes, this person is in no way attractive to her: not his personality, behavior, looks or anything.

b) If she doesn't want to that, then she can simply have this man somehow informed that unfortunately, it ai'nt working out. She can say that due to some things she has discovered, she will not be able to carry on with the matter. She can send him an email/ she can have someone tell his parents/ anything. If he gave her a gift, she can return it with a small note..It will be pretty clear that it is over.

c) She can appeal to the Imam about her situation and have him talk to your parents and grandmother.
d) If all that fails for some reason, the day of the wedding, she can stand up and say "I'm sorry, but I cannot do this."

I know that she thinks she has a plan....but unfortunately, most of us come from places where cultural expectations would be against her. How much you wanna bet people will be saying: "Hey, that's the girl who got married for one month and then got divorced. Wonder what was wrong with her". The  reality is that if she follows through with her plan, she would be sabotaging any real chance of love (later on). Besides, and more importantly, there is no reason whatsoever to be torturing one's self....not even one day.

Please tell her this before it is too late! 

Read more...

The Wedding Day

Since you just had a wedding party (mashallah), any tips on how to have a fun-filled yet appropriate wedding and how to avoid the pitfalls when planning the wedding? That would be great. Much love <3>

Asalamu aliakaum!

Before I start, I just want to say that ...of course, I had a segregated wedding ;)

Anyways, here are some ideas I did/had and y'all are free to share more!

a) I passed around a guest book during the party. My twist: I put up jokes, riddles, facts about me and my husband (like how we both hate cheese, how it was my boss at work who told me about him, etc.), islamic quotes, all throughout the guest book so that while people were writing in it, they were being entertained..

You could also have a slideshow ^ with funny pictures of you and the guests...or even baby pictures.

b) I had a pinata (can be a simple big big colorful balloon) for the children....It doesn't have to be only for the children, though. Who doesn't like chocolate and goodies?

c) You can have someone be like the 'host/coordinator' of the party and play with the colors that people are wearing. Here are some examples:
Whoever is wearing red: has to sing a song in the microphone

whoever is wearing blue tell us about a funny time with the bride/ groom

whoever is wearing yellow: say a dua for the bride and groom

whoever is wearing pink: tell us their favorite hadith

whoever is wearing purple: tell us their recipe for ___________- something the groom likes)

whoever is wearing black: give us the 'most important advice' for the bride and groom

whoever is wearing golden: draw a picture for the bride and groom

whoever is wearing silver: tell us about something that scares them

embarassing moments/ their first time meeting the bride/groom/ what they wish someone had told them before getting married/ etc.

^You can do that with numbers too. Just put number underneath each chair and call out: whoever is sitting on number 8, do .....Or even with "balloons". Hand out a balloon to each person and whoever has....

d) Pass the parcel game! If you're not familiar with it, this article explains it very well: http://www.wikihow.com/Play-Pass-the-Parcel. Remember though to be using Islamic nasheeds 

e) Ice cream sundaes anyone? Fun and yummy :P

f) Leave 'puzzles' or even riddles on tables for guests sitting together to work together on and have something to talk about....

g) You could have a theme too like "flowers" (and all guests have to wear something with a flower)

How to avoid the pitfalls?

1. Recognize that your marriage is an act of worship and therefore, one should start it (the wedding) in a way that reflects that. What I mean by that is that the wedding ultimately should be a means to seeking Allah's pleasure and not be at all a license for you to sin. 

2. Discuss with the husband/ fiance how you're going to make sure that your wedding is "halal". Discuss food, music, seating arrangements (segregated!), etc. Both of you HAVE TO AGREE aboutt it and be ready to face the "criticism" you might be getting together...

3. Inform your relatives right from the beginning (like even a month before the wedding or however long you are planning it) that you're trying to make your wedding a way to please Allah...You would love their help, suggestions and cooperation in this...and of course, you want them there. (Once you've told them that Allah's pleasure is your target, you are less likely to have them expecting "wrong cultural practices". IF they do start giving you suggestions, just say, me and my fiance have agreed though that we want.....)

4. Stick to a budget. Remember, there's no reason to start your marriage with a debt!

5. Your wedding is your day. Not your neighbor's or cousin or whoever. So don't compare it to anyone else.

6. Have what the guests will listen to prepared in advance and who will play it. I know that sounds so simple, but mistakes happen all the time in that area ....

Well, sisters, what else can you add? :) 

Read more...

The Perfect Wedding Dress?

I wrote this before my wedding by 8 days :)

The Perfect Wedding Dress

“Did you get your wedding dress, yet?” my friends asked.
“You still haven’t gotten your dress, yet?” my well meaning relatives asked incredulously. 

Err....No....not yet....
Shock. Horror. “But what are you waiting for?”
“Well, the thing is...what I’ve come to realize is that, no matter what I get, there will always be something better...” My voice trails off.
My twin sister - aka Little Miss Aunty- looks at me knowingly and says, “Uh oh. Don’t start. Don’t tell them about your philosophy...”
But she’s too late.
I’ve already begun explaining my somewhat pessimistic philosophy....
“See, as a young girl, I have always dreamed of the white dress. I wanted something perfect. If I were to sum it up, basically the bestest, most MAGNIFICENT SPLENDID dress ever, that would magically transform me into a gorgeous diva, equal to, if not prettier than, any of the actresses from the ‘Woods (Hollywood/Bollywood). But now that I’ve grown-up, I understand that there’s a budget and limitations around me and I can’t exactly have the most beautiful dress ever. And even if I were to get that beautiful dress, something better would come along. And the thing is, once I do get my dress, it will be over for me. I’ll never have that chance again to look at all the choices and decide. And maybe that’s why I’m paralyzed right now. It just seems like I’m never going to actually ‘realize’ the dream....”
Mixed reactions of: “Ummm, are you okay?” “You’ve got a point.” 
And then I got: “ It’s getting late. You need to get the dress.” From Mr. Boss. Aka fiancé/husband...

And so...I got the dress.

There are still 8 days until I wear it. Is it perfect? Hmmm.... Is it pretty? I think so. Will I look beautiful on that day? I hope so. Is it going to last forever? No.

But in the greater scheme of things, I’ve had a somewhat greater epiphany.

I’ve realized that the dream was never of the white dress.

The dream was of jannah.

The dream was of a time when I would be completely and utterly beautiful and radiant...without any need of Keratin, creams, foundation or cucumbers or all that silly stuff we do/use to look our best. 

The dream was of a time when all my loved ones would be joyful. The dream was of a time when there would be complete serenity and bliss. No grudges. 

I was looking for paradise in that dress and in my wedding. And I think that in a way, many of us might fall into that trap, of misplacing our hopes and thoughts in a dress, a perfect spouse, the best job, the biggest house, etc.... The reality is that paradise does not exist in these things. Yes, we may find comfort, happiness and peace in these things, but they cannot and will not provide us with everlasting happiness and bliss. That, instead, is paradise. 

And paradise is the reward of submission to Allah. So if we hope to find a glimpse of paradise, we have to be searching for it in the worship of Allah. And so....I’m pretty content. I won’t have the perfect dress or wedding here on earth...but as believers, there’s always paradise to look forward to. And I hear the dresses there...are out of this world.

Love,

Little Auntie

Read more...

Memorizing the Qur'an

Asalamu alaikum sisters I absolutely love this blog, mashallah. I go to a madrasah once a week and I am set 2 pages of Quran to read, which isn't too much too ask. However during the rest of the week my time is consumed by revising for my exams,staring at the tv and surfing the net. I leave it to the last minute and just about read it ok to my teacher. Every time I feel really guilty about not dedicating my time to the Quran and just reading it to the quran teacher. My question is how do I stop cheating myself and love the Quran as it should be loved?

Walaikum Salaam dear sister,

And, Ramadan Mubarak! I hope you are in the best of health and highest of imaan and that you are showered with His countless blessings during this beautiful month and for ever more. Ameen.

I think it’s awesome that you attend a madrasah and are trying to become more committed to your Quran studies, MashAllah and trying to love the Qur'an more. Remember:

'Uthman reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The best of you is the one who learns the Qur'an and teaches it." [al-Bukhari]

The BEST of you ....imagine the billions of people who have walked on this earth. If you memorize the Qur'an, you will be considered in Allah's sight as from the best/most special.

And you know what , you’re right – 2 pages doesn’t seem to be asking a lot – however, it’s all about quality, not quantity. 

Sometimes when there’s so much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it all we can become disappointed with our half-hearted attempts. But, here are a few suggestions to help you dedicate more time and perform your best when reading the Quran.

Don’t see it as ‘homework’ but as an investment in yourself. While exams are important and it’s nice to wind down and relax in front of the tv after a hard day at school or work – devoting just 30 minutes or an hour or so to practising your recitation would be much more beneficial and is just as important (if not more) and can be just as relaxing. 

In fact, I want you to think of memorizing the Qura'n as preparing for a court ruling with the best lawyer possible. Think about all the sins you might have committed- the good deeds you should have done that you didn't- the things you don't want to face Allah with. On the Day of Judgment, Allah, the All-Knowing and Well Acquainted with your deepest desires will be your Judge.  But also, on that Day, by the will of Allah, the Qur'an will act as an intercessor...pleading your case for you.

"Fasting and the Qur'an will intercede for the slave on the Day of Resurrection. Fasting will say: 'O My Rabb! I prevented him from food and desires, so accept my intercession for him.' And the Qur'an will say: 'I prevented him from sleep during the night, so accept my intercession for him.' He (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said: 'And they will (be allowed to) intercede.'" [Ahmad, at-Tabarani, Al-Hakim, Sahih]

an-Nawwas ibn Sam'an said, "I heard the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, 'On the Day of Rising the Qur'an will be brought with the people who used to act by it in this world, preceded by Surat al-Baqara (2) and Ali 'Imran (3), arguing on behalf of those who knew them.'" [Muslim] 

Remind yourself of that. Make a poster or wall paper with some hadiths about the rewards of reading and memorizing the Qur'an and put it up somewhere where you can always see it, including next to your television and computer.

"Whoever reads a letter from the Book of Allah will receive a hasanah (good deed) from it (i.e. his recitation), and the hasanah is multiplied by ten. I do not say that Alif-Laam-Meem is (considered as) a letter, rather Alif is a letter, Laam is a letter, and Meem is a letter." [At-Tirmidhi, Ad-Darimi]

Creating a schedule and allocating specific times dedicated to reading the Quran can be helpful. Make it easier for yourself by dividing the two pages into sections and throughout the week tackle each section until you’re happy with your recitation. Remember it’s not a race! Take your time with it and try to stick to the schedule. Practice a little each day throughout the week and insha’Allah by the time it comes to reading to your teacher you would have gone over the 2 pages enough times to be happy with your reading.

Abdullah ibn Amr RadiyAllahu `anhu re¬ports that Rasulullah Sallallahu `alaihi wasallam said: "On the Day of Judgment, it will be said to the Man devoted to the Qur'an, 'Go on reciting the Qur'an and continue ascending the stories of Paradise and recite in the slow manner as you had been reading in worldly life; your final place will be where you reach at the time of the last ayat of your recitation." (Ahmad, Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud) 

The only way to get better is through practice, practice, practice. Before reading to your teacher maybe you could also practice reading to someone else, like a friend or a parent. Of course they may not be a qualified teacher and may not be able to point out ways in which to improve but reading to someone else might help your confidence in your reading and you might be able to spot your own weaknesses yourself. Or, perhaps you could get together with others from your Madrasah outside of class and practice reading together.

Try to also keep using the same Quran and with little pencil marks write down next to the places you mess up. You can just underline the verse number/ word, so that the next time you read it, you remember where you had trouble.

Someone else you could go to is your madrasah teacher. They might have noticed you haven’t been reading as well as you could/should be and might have some ideas on how to improve. If it’s timing that appears to be the only problem then try asking them whether you could have more time for the 2 pages or whether you could reduce it to 1 page a week instead.

Also, it might be useful to have a translation copy of the Quran at hand so you know exactly what it is you’re reading. Understanding the passages on the 2 pages might help you connect with the Quran on a more personal level and lead to a better reading performance.

You can also download the surah that you are working on on your Ipod/ mobile/ computer and try playing it before you sleep. Basically, hearing it before/while you sleep, will allow your subconscious  to "store" it in its memory files :)

The Quran was first revealed during the month of Ramadan and while this holy month is upon us take it as an opportunity to learn more about its revelation, the events surrounding it and what an immense blessing it is. Increasing in knowledge of the Quran and looking at ‘the bigger picture’ than just the 2 pages you’re allocated can also help understand and enhance a connection to the Quran and ultimately with our Creator, Allah (SWT).

But, don’t be discouraged by your performance. The key thing to remember is to continue reading even if you don’t feel your recitation is ‘perfect’. If your heart and intentions are in the right place and you are making an effort to read, even when reading may seem like a struggle, your efforts shall be rewarded.

Aa’isha (Radiallaho anha) narrates that Rasulullah Sallallahu `alaihi wasallam once said, "One who is well versed in the Qur'an will be in the company of those angels who are scribes, noble and righteous; and one who falters in reading the Qur'an, and has to exert hard for learning, gets double the reward." (Muslim) 

Make time for yourself and the Quran, practice as much as you can, ask others for help and even if you aren’t completely happy with your reading – do the best you can and never stop trying.


A big hug and lots of love,

Read more...

Constantly Arguing

Salam Sisters!

I am university student who has a quick question.
 Me and my older sister don’t get on at all and I want to make a difference but she just doesn’t listen to me at all, I try and be patient and tell her nicely but she still doesn’t listen. What should I do, she is getting married in 5 months and I will be back at Uni so won’t see her very often. How should I act toward her, I’m just so lost.

Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,

It's great that you want to improve your relationship with your sister! Ma'shaAllah. Now, here's the thing....you talk about 'telling her something nicely'....and wanting her to 'listen to you'. 

My question is: do you listen to her? And no, I don't mean 'let the air waves carry the sound of her voice to your ears'...I mean, really LISTEN to her.

Have you ever considered her view point?

Now, I'm not talking about something that the Sharia says is haram. You didn't mention what it is exactly that you disagree on...but the thing to keep in mind is that sometimes there is more than one way to see the picture. Perhaps you look at a zebra and think that it is black with white stripes, and she looks at it and thinks that it is white with black stripes. Neither one of you is wrong. You just see things differently.

The trouble arises when you try to force her to see it the way you see it. As human beings, we want our view points to be considered/ respected/ validated. We dislike feeling pressured into seeing things a certain way. Chances are, if you just tell her, "I can see your point but I still see things differently", that will solve a lot of trouble.

Try to use these ways to express disagreement (I'm taking a couple of them from e-how :P):

• "Interesting––it seems we have different points of view. Do you mind if I explain where I'm coming from?"
• "Really? I've had some different experiences that make me see things a little differently. Can I tell you what I think?
• "How about we try your way one time and try my way one time?"
• "You know, while I still think we have different approaches, I understand yours a little better now....

The other thing to do if you want your relationship to be better is to ask HER what it is that she's waiting for :)

Try telling her or writing to her something like the following: I really want our relationship to be better and I'm really sorry if I've done something to hurt you.  What can I do to make this situation right?"

Remember....as siblings, you guys don't necessarily have to be best friends or see everything eye to eye. But you should be polite to each other and have a generally good relationship with each other. She should know that she can count on you and that you will miss her when she gets married :) Tell her that. Invite her to eat out with you at a restaurant when you're both free. Surprise her with a small gift. Thank her for the small things she does for you (things even like making you tea, etc. :P). Send her a funny joke in an email or on facebook. Give her a nice Islamic message on her mobile...whatever. She will appreciate all of these things :)

Think of how you would treat your good friends....and treat your sister the same (if not better). Your relationship will soon improve, inshaAllah :)

May Allah make things easier for you,

Read more...

What Should I Look For?

Sisters I want advice for the things I should look for in a man, and how I should behave. I’m very confused and I feel stuck. My esteem is so down right now. There was a Muslim brother, who I thought was the most decent guy who I ever had interest in so far. I told him to get our parents involved...and then, it became apparent that he wasn't serious or interested in marriage. I'm just so down now. What should I be looking for and how should I act?

Dearest Lost and Confused,

I'm so sorry, sister, for all that you went through. Let me give you a big big hug. 

It sounds like you were really hopeful about this guy only to have it completely crushed. Alhamdillah that you told him to get your parents involved...Alhamdilla that he walked away and you found out he wasn't the one for you. InshaAllah just by letting this person go and reflecting on how you should behave next time/ who you should be looking for, you're on the steps of finding your REAL habibi/hunny who will help you on the path to jannah.  

Now, let's get to your questions! 

 What Should You Look For in a Man

I know most of us have/had some kind of dream list...the whole "sweep you off your feet, make your heart flutter, tall, handsome, a da'ee, a hafiz, etc." 

But sisters...we need to be a little (ahem...a lot more) realistic. 

Here are things you should be considering:

A) READINESS: the first thing that should catch your attention is whether or not the person is ready for marriage and its responsibility and commitment. That means put a big fat X on signing up on any 'Muslim dating websites' or that kinda thing. Remember: you want someone who is seeking "marriage" and not "friendship". Someone who understands the responsibilities of the husband  in Islam and has the means fulfill them. Someone who asks you for your wali's number and how to contact your wali for marriage or even has his mother/sister bring up the topic with you.   

I also want to stress on the fact here that the person should have the capabilities for marriage. If he doesn't have some place for you to live in or any kind of plan for you to get married, it's really not going to work.  Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not saying that he has a 6 digit salary...but that he has an appropriate financial plan/ some kind of thought process of how you're going to be living together. Prophet Mohammed sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:

Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at women and preserves your chastity; but those who cannot should fast, for it is a means of cooling passion."

B) Religion: This one is pretty easy. We all know the famous hadith:

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you, then marry [your female relative who is under your care] to him, for if you do not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1084)

You want someone who has the correct aqidah and prays their 5 prayers...someone who always attends the Friday prayer, lowers their gaze around women (and not has a zillion girls on his facebook account), makes an effort to be a better Muslim. Maybe attends Islamic seminars or listens to lectures. If he knows the Imam of the mosque and hangs out with him/has religious friends, that's even better...(since friends have a huge huge effect on us).

You don't want someone who has no problems with going to a club to chill out, watches R-rated movies, only prays during Ramadan, doesn't have a problem eating pork/not halal meat, etc. 

C) Character: Honestly, this is related to the religion (since it is religion in action), but I thought I would break it down a bit. You really want to look and ask about  his manners, work ethics, how does he treat the neighbors, what do the people in the community say about him...what kind of language he uses, what volunteer work he does/any charity projects, etc.

d) Compatibility:

Here's the thing. You’re not looking for your mirror reflection in a male form…but someone who shares your vision.

 Studies have now shown that being similar is not as important as having the same goals/ values/ perspective. 

Don't just take my word for it. (See here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/questions-to-ask-as-a-couple-before-getting-engaged/). 

Let's Bring in the Research:

Having similar interests and hobbies isn’t necessary, agreed [says] Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, a psychologist who specializes in couples and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. But being similar in underlying values and beliefs is key to the happiness and stability of your marriage, according to her research study tracking the same couples for almost 24 years.

The other traits...depend on you: some girls need a guy with a funny bone...Others don't care if he's funny but want him to be driven/ ambitious. Some look for a guy with confidence...These traits are relative and really depend on what you find attractive, mentally stimulating, etc. 

II.Now, what to do when you find someone you are interested in:

Well, if the brother approaches you and asks you for your wali's number, that's all set :) You arrange a time for him to visit the house and have a meeting...

If he doesn't, that's where things get trickier.....

You can have your own brother contact him...have an "aunty" talk to his mom......

Point is: get some third person involved that can broach the topic with him and see how he feels

But how do you behave once the prospective suitor comes over/ you meet him?

The simple key is this: he is a non-mahram to you. Yes, he's someone you're interested in...but, he's still NOT YOUR HUSBAND. So, you treat him the way you treat any non-mahram.

 You're never alone with him but always have chaperoned meetings. IF he's calling you, he's calling you when your family is around and can hear the conversation (and not in the middle of the night. Not even to wake you up for fajr, hunny bunny :P). 

Remember, you're not flirting but talking with a clear intention and purpose to get to know each other. You're asking things like: what his goals are, where he plans to live, what he's looking for in a partner, what he won't tolerate from his wife, how he wants to raise his children, what makes him angry and how he reacts when he's angry, etc. You have a kind of time frame for your meetings....you're not just talking endlessly.

You smile and make eye contact sometimes...but you also lower your gaze and not stare openly. 

You dress neatly and modestly...

This is a website that may help you: http://www.themarriagerevolution.com/

Well, sister, I hope this was a little helpful for you :) Sisters, share your advice and 'dream lists', too =) I'm sure I forgot some key points :D

Read more...

Aunty Me? :)

 Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullah,

I pray you are in best of health and eeman,
I was wondering if you can help me with this.
The problem is my sisters are not very practising... may Allah guide them! Alhumdulillah our parents have thought us the basic moral values but other than that my sisters do not follow islam religiously as of now! One thing that really troubles me is when they scold their children they do it in terms of "Allah will send you to hell if you do this" ! May be because that's how culturally it's put in our minds.. where fear of Allah is instilled rather than love for Him!
Anyway I was wondering, could u suggest some activities or ways in which I can develop my relationship with their kids better inshaAllah. They come home every weekend. So what can I do in the little time I get to teach them and instill in them good perspective about Islam, inshaAllah?

Wa alaykum as salaam,

First of all, it's wonderful to see you take on a positive role and to really want to help your nieces and nephews grow more in love with Allah and their religion. May Allah accept your efforts. And may Allah increase your sisters' understanding of Islam and help them to be positive role models for their children. Ameen to your duas.

You asked about different kinds of activities you could do to help develop your relationship with the kids while giving them a good perspective about Islam. To be honest, activities are important (and we'll look at a few ideas) but besides activities, it's the attitude that matters. The thing is it's really not any different from how you would develop your relationship with anyone.  Kids are just like grown -ups. They want to feel heard, understood, appreciated, cared for, and that they matter. They want to be around people who make them feel safe to be themselves, who can laugh and have fun, and who are spontaneous.  They don't want to be unfairly criticized, blamed, and compared to others.  If you're doing those things while being the best person you can be (as honest, patient, gentle, etc as you can) and you talk about religion, you're going to create a connection for them that matters- people who practice Islam are the best people.

When it comes to activities, there are so many different things to do. Of course, it depends on their ages, but here are some ideas:

-You can read about the Prophet's seerah, together and the other prophets, too. If they're the "we have to move around type", you don't have to only look at the story from a book. You could actually make it more interesting by "going out" and doing things. For example, you could tell them the story of Prophet Nuh while you're on a boat ride.  If you go to like a "Sea World" kinda of place (where there are whales), you can tell them the story of Prophet Yunus. In this way, they're learning and having fun.

- You can also tell them the stories of the Companions. After reading about them, you could ask "So, now we've seen how so many of the Companions were given titles/ nicknames by the Prophet. Khaled bin Waleed was "The Sword of Allah" for example.  "What nickname would you have wanted the Prophet to call you? What shall we call you from now on?"  That's just one example. The point is always to try to give them a chance to connect to whatever it is you're doing.

-You can do a project on what jannah looks like and look up different verses and ahadith. Or you could have them talk about what they would like to have/ do there. Let them get real imaginative :) Another way of doing this is to have each one of them look up beautiful pictures of nature/ hotels around the world and then casually mentioning that Allah has prepared something even better for the believers.

-You could agree to fast one day and cook up iftaar together ./ Even just have them cook up a big meal for the whole family and talk about silat al rahm (upholding the ties of kinship).

-You could take them to a mosque and have them clean it up.

-You could have them paint cards for their friends and buy small gifts and talk about the sunnah of giving gifts.

-Do a trivia night

But you know what? You don't even need to do special activities. Everyday activities are great too. Just add some Islamic ideas. For instance, clean up the house with them (and let them get wet and have fun too with the bubbles/wipes) And while you're doing that, talk about how Allah loves cleanliness. Take them swimming and tell them that the Prophet said we should learn swimming.

Practical implementation of ahadith and ayaat will definitely make them see Islam as something that they live by…and NOT something that one only remembers as a threat. 

Even when you're playing any normal game, you can just give them a small hint/ Islamic reminder through the game. For example, as you are playing, "I spy", you can say, "I see something that is glorifying Allah that is blue (a blue bird, e.g.) ".

I've also gotten you some amazing blogs and links with all sorts of Islamic activities for children :) May Allah reward these incredible bloggers, ma'shaAllah =)
Jannah Steps
http://amuslimchildisborn.blogspot.com/
http://islamicbulletinboards.wordpress.com/
http://umamahlearningacademy.blogspot.com/
http://raisingmuslims.wordpress.com/

And here are some other links for children to use:
http://kids.islamweb.net/english/
Baba Ali has some great videos aimed at younger children; Here.
http://www.muslimkidsville.com/


Lastly, it really would be best for you to talk to your sisters, as well, about the importance of building love for Allah. Try giving your sisters other things to say like "I know you want to do this, but you're going to get hasnaat if you do ………..". OR "That might look like fun, but it's not something Allah likes. Let's stay away from it"….

May Allah reward you tremendously :)
Love,

Read more...