Angry Parents

My problem is that I love my parents so much but sometimes ....how can I say this without tarnishing their personalities? I feel like I'm such a terrible child just by thinking about it! it goes this way.. as I said I love them so much that!! (I'm suppose to!) it's just that sometimes they are too much! that's the problem. sometimes I just can't understand them.. I know that they only want what's best for me but I don't know sometimes they get angry with me and I don't know the reason behind those wraths.. it's just not fair! sometimes I feel like scolding them back to defend my side! but Alhamdulillah those thought never really come to an action. how can I prevent such actions like just avoiding their chastise and pretending I didn't hear cus I know it's bad and I want to get rid of it! .. huhu If you'll give an advise which I hope you would.. please don't recommend talking to them about it cus I can"t.. I simply just can:t...   Seriously Guilty one.

Dearest Seriously Guilty One,

First of all, you can tell that you love your parents and that you do want to be better! I really don't want to call you the "guilty one"..Let's call you "Going to be better, inshaAllah".

Second of all, I'm so sorry for taking so long to answer you.  The problem is that you told us not to recommend talking to them and that was obviously the biggest piece of advice that we had...LOL.

REALLY. Try as we might, we could not think of any other advice. 

You said that they get angry and you don't understand why. Well, hun, there's no harm in simply asking them or writing them a note, like the following: 

"Mom and Dad, I'm really sorry to have angered you. I understand I did something to upset you, but I'm not really sure what I did. Can you please tell me what it is that bothered you? I don't want to do it again, but I can't not do it, if I don't know what it is."

Not only will that help you understand your parent's more and not repeat the same "mistake" again,  it will also give your parents a chance to really consider their own feelings. Maybe they're not angry WITH you, but angry at at something else. Maybe they're actually frustrated with something else and are taking out their stress from work on to you. Maybe they don't even realize that they're "always angry". 

Both you and your parents deserve to have peace in the house..and you can only do that, when you muster the courage to find out what's causing this "anger" that they're feeling. Think about it: ignoring their "chastise" really isn't going to solve anything, is it? In fact, that could be part of the problem. How would you like it if someone was ignoring you when you were talking to them? That would probably upset you even more, right?

See, in order to really change things around, you have to be sincerely willing to UNDERSTAND their reasons behind their "anger". You really have to be willing to let go of your ego and find out how you could possibly (most likely unintentionally) 'adding to the problem/ anger". The fact that you sent this letter in makes me think that you really do want to do this, inshaAllah =)  

But how? Well, you don't have to talk to them the moment they're "having one of their full fledged screaming frenzies....Instead, you can tell them 'I'm truly sorry that I have upset you so much", walk out of the room, and leave the discussion for a time when you and them are calmer.  

Then, some other day, you can invite your parents to a barbecue/ fun day at the park/ or the beach.... While there, you can cautiously bring up the topic. "Mom and Dad, I feel that I've hurt you/ disappointed you/ done some things to bother you. I really want to be better, now. I really want to be a better daughter to you. Please tell me what it is that you want from me..." You could even try to start that conversation even in the weekend, after making them a cup of tea/ surprise cake/ etc. 

Once they start talking, you need to be really calm. You need to remind yourself that you really have 2 solutions:

-  either you fully accept their decision (because you know they want what's best for you and are just trying to protect you) 

- or you try to reach a reasonable compromise with them.

For example, let's say they tell you that "They don't like the people you're hanging out with/ or your attitude/ whatever".

Take a deep breath. Swallow. And avoid saying something dumb like 

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. What planet are you from?!!!"

Instead, stop for a moment. Ask yourself "Are your friends really the best company you could have?" 

And then, ask them "Is there a particular friend you don't like...?" Is there a friend that you DO like?" 

 That's right. Ask them! Keep the door of communication open. Don't close it. Ask questions and try to understand how you can both get what you want. 

RESIST, resist, resist "getting "angry" at them because  when we get angry, we end up getting stupid. 

And I mean that actually in the literal sense! I'm copying this from a newsletter I got:

It's important to realize that when we get frustrated or angry, our brain is hard wired for "fight or flight".  So all our blood leaves the "common sense" area of our brain and goes to our muscles so we can run or fight. Essentially, we get stupid.  We can't think calmly or clearly, we often feel compelled to say the first thing that comes to our mind...and often in a threatening or disrespectful tone.

Instead, if you do feel like they're being so "unfair" and you're going to shout  back at them, you should follow the Islamic advice for dealing with anger. Change your position (sit down, if you are standing),seek refuge from Shaytaan, and if possible, ask to go to the bathroom (and do wudu)..

And just remind yourself that your parents love you and want what's best for you. Even if they don't know how to show it and you don't agree on what's best for you. 

And then, give yourself time to think of what they've told you and solutions that they could agree to.

- For example, with the problem above, you could suggest that they enroll you in an Islamic course/ good club so you can make some good friends, too. 

Let's give another scenario. Let's say you ask them to go "out" with friends and they angrily tell you "No": 

You can try to work a compromise with them about that. You can: 

- agree with them on your "homework and studying schedule". Maybe they're worried that going out will interfere with your studies. Talk to them about that. If you've got exams, agree that you're going to go out for a limited time only/ whatever

- agree with your parents about what places you can go to? and what places you will NOT go to

- agree on a  specific curfew (they could even pick you up)

-  agree to call them every other hour on their mobile (even if that sounds ridiculous to you, it beats being stuck at home, doesn't it?)

- give them a friend's mobile number so that if they can't reach you, they have another number to call

 See? Once you know what's bothering them, you can think of lots of solutions!

Finally, though, it's important to think of 2 or 3 things you can do to make your parents happier. Things like washing the dishes, making them a cup of tea, calling them if you know you're going to be late, etc. Deep down, we all know at least 2 or 3 things we can do or stop doing that would make Mom and Dad a lot more happier. Right? Let's do them? 

Well, sis, that's all that I can think of. Maybe the other sisters can share their advice =)

  

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Unreasonable Demands...and a Suitor Gone

Asalmu aliakum, Sisters, I am really down lately. A few months ago, I received a proposal from a great brother. He was practicing, well known in the community, had a beard and a good job....We met with my parents and I really felt that we clicked. Everything was going great. And then,to be honest, my family started acting unreasonably and everything stopped. His parents called my parents and said it was over. The thing is that I just can't forget this brother. Part of me is wondering if things can be fixed. Is it too late? Do you think I am being silly and I should just forget the whole matter? :(

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

Dearest Sister,

awww, sis! :( That sounds like a very tough situation. :( Sending you lots of hugs!  I’m very proud of you, though, for being honest and saying that it was your family who made the problem.  I know though, that makes it even harder to bear. 

Here is what I think… A few months have passed, right. The truth is that brother might have moved on. And that would just change everything anyway. It would mean there’s no point in thinking about whether or not “he is the one or to fix things or not”.  If I was you, I’d try to do a little research to find out- ask a mutual family friend or the person that let you know about him, check Facebook, or etc. Mind you, I don’t want you to become obsessed about it…but if there’s some way for you to find out if he’s moved on without you getting directly involved that would be great. 

Now, if you are able to find out and it looks like he’s still available…

1. Pray Istikhara

2. Talk to your family,.. You really need your family to realize what MATTERS to you. You also need them to acknowledge that they were being unreasonable and by doing that, made life a little difficult for you. Point out the big picture- all that you two have in common…Ask your family if they would be willing to make some sacrifices and put aside those differences they were pushing for. Why do you need to do this? Because you don’t want your family to offend his family in any way, again. People might be able to forgive others once- but chances are if it happens again, then they’re not going to be so willing to reconsider.

3. The next step is to see how the brother’s family feels…See, even if you apologize, and even if there isn’t someone in his life right now, his parents might have decided you guys are on the black list. Again, this is something that you can try and have a mutual friend ask?  Perhaps she [the mutual friend] could ask “would their family be willing to reconsider if your family apologized and made some sacrifices?” Another way is if you can get some mutual friends to praise your family and to mention that they have become more religious and are no longer as interested in material things (whatever the silly things were)…

If his family is not going for it,  then, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I know you liked this brother, but remember, you didn't live with him, so you didn't actually experience him as a husband. Maybe, you were just supposed to just learn the lesson (to focus on what truly matters) so that the next time a guy comes, your family doesn’t make the same mistake and let him slip from your hands. Because, let’s face it, no one perfect is ever going to come and your family needs to have a list of the priorities that matter and those that they would be willing to overlook…

You really don't want to end up like the poor daughter in this cartoon and your family needs to know that:

So, that's my little advice. Try and see what happens, but trust that whatever happens is for your own benefit. Make sincere dua and intention that your marriage is FOR Allah and then trust that Allah will give you the person best for your deen, dunya, and aakhirah :) 

And as a final note of advice, remember that just like you prayed istikhara (are going to pray it), this brother probably did, too (since you said that he's religious). So whatever happens is the best for the BOTH of you =)

With all my love,

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One Chinese Muslimah =) Interviewed.

A couple of weeks ago, I got to hear about a blog called One Chinese Muslimah. Needless to say, the title caught my attention and I couldn't wait to get to know more about this sister =)I was fortunate enough to get to interview her and here's her interesting story....Enjoy!

  

Little Auntie: First of all, let me just say, thank you very much for agreeing to do this little interview....Let's get started! Just who is "One Chinese Muslimah"? 

Khadijah: Assalamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barkahtu! You are very welcome and I couldn’t be happier to be interviewed by you!! I pray you and everyone who is reading this is in great health and a great state of imaan! Well, my name is Khadijah and I am Chinese Canadian and originally from Toronto. I went to Fashion school in Toronto, did some part-time modeling, and then ended up becoming a personal trainer. I am a full-time housewife who loves to cook and I am taking online Qur’an tafsir/tajweed course! I have no siblings and I really want to learn how to bake! Oh and I do some pattern designing (drawing) for fun! yayy!!

Little Auntie: Wow..from Personal trainer and model to Muslimah? How'd that happen and when did you add the word "Muslimah" to your identity? 

Khadijah: Hmmm, well, I was very materialistic and was very into the party scene back in Toronto. I was always VIP in the hottest parties and was very social. I realized that this lifestyle was not what I wanted mainly because of the people I was meeting and that there was more to life then fancy clothes, makeup, and parties. At the end of the night, the makeup came off and the loud music left a constant ringing in your ears and when the night is over, you realize that it’s the same rountine over and over and it just gets boring and almost becomes a chore to go out. I really turned my life around when I met my husband! He was just someone who came to the gym where I trained at (there are no gender segregated gyms in Toronto, well not that I knew of anyway!) and what started out as a conversation about Saudi Arabia turned out to a full on research about Islam! I began reading more about Muhammad (pbuh) and Khadijah (she is the reason why I chose the name!) and I was evening listening to Qur’an even though I didn’t understand anything but it really calmed my heart everytime i listened to it! I am really not sure what the turning point was but Allah had opened my heart and He had heard my cry for help all those years and I took my shahada in March of 2011 and got married right after Alhamdulillah.

Little Auntie: Alhamdillah!! Just amazing. :) Since you took your shahada in March of 2011, it's been a little over a year.  And somehow during that year, you decided to wear the niqab, right? Tell us, what prompted that decision? And what has your experience been with it?

Khadijah: I love the NIQAB!!!! It is just so beautiful and so precious. I feel like a queen when I am in my niqab. It is really the true meaning of beauty. It’s so modest and so mysterious! I went to a Islamic conference last summer and I saw so many sisters wearing niqab and one sister really stuck out to me. She looked so elegant and beautiful almost like a butterfly fluttering in the sky and I was thinking to myself “ I want to wear that!” and it took me some courage and the help of Allah and I started wearing it a few months ago Alhamdulillah! I haven’t gotten any negative reactions, it is a great way of dawah because some people are curious and want to know what I’m wearing. However, it DOES draw a LOT of attention and I sometimes feel that it does the exact opposite ( I mean instead of trying to “not be noticed” I am noticed ten times more than I am when I wear hijab and abaya, and that’s already a lot! Loll)

Little Auntie: alhamdillah, you haven't gotten any negative attention. I can imagine that the attention would be a little nerve wracking, but darling, don't worry about it defeating it's purpose or anything, because it's a different kind of attention. It's not like "OH, she's a HOTTIE", but like "Hmm, that's strange"...And you know, the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam did tell us that Islam began as something strange and would return to something strange and to give glad tidings to the strangers. So that's actually a good thing,that you're "standing out"/ "different" from those around you.

But that said, besides the "attention", what do you think has been the hardest point you have faced since becoming a Muslim? Did you ever feel like giving up?

Khadijah: The hardest point thus far, would probably be I guess every day. It is a true struggle for me daily to stay consistent with my imaan. Imaan is like the waves of the ocean, some days there are high tides, other days there are low tides. I struggle constantly to try to stay focused with my studies or trying to always seek more knowledge. I used to be very lazy and that’s a big thing I am trying to tackle now! But Alhamdulillah, with constant duaa, Allah is the only one who can help me. There were times (when I had just became Muslim), where I wanted to stop wearing hijab because I became so frusturated and I wasn’t used to hiding my adornments (plus I was sweating so much! ) but I kept reminding myself that I was doing it for Allah and nobody else. Also, I lived in Toronto and it’s like a mini New York so many women are very stylish there and very “free”, I really wanted to incorporate my fashion with my hijab but I realized that would be far from being modest. IT was really a struggle!!! But Alhamdulillah I have come a long way and I am learning that I am to please my Creator and NOT the creation (well, except my husband) lol.

Little Auntie: I think you're so right. It can be such a struggle to not turn the hijab from a sign of submission to Allah to a fashion accessory. What you said is key: focusing on pleasing the Creator and not the creation, inshaAllah.

But you're still very much wanting to "help" the creation, aren't you? You started an initiative  called "Pious Muslim". What's that about?

Khadijah: Well, Pious Muslimah Initiative (PMI) is a non-profit organization where we unite sisters all around the globe. We want to unite the sisters through Islam and through doing sadaqah. MY sister in Mombasa, Kenya (who is my bestie and also a revert!) had this idea she started out with and she messaged me on my blog one day and asked me if I could be a part of it with her. I agreed of course and we have been working on this project since last year. Its very small and we don’t have many volunteers right now (only me and her and one other sister) but inshaa’Allah we will grow. We are currently working on a small orphanage called Al-Jazeera and it houses about 21 orphans with 2-3 caretakers. These orphans are aged 7-13 and are in desperate need of food and donations to support their housing bills and their Islamic school. We have received a few donations from some donors but we have a long way to go. The greatest thing about PMI is that every single penny goes directly to the orphanage. I send the donations that I have collected from donors and send it via Western Union to sis Amira in Kenya, and her and another sister directly go and buy food and deliver to the little sisters. I really hope that we could get some more help ! We are looking for more volunteers and more donations. Inshaa’Allah we will be able to unite sisters form all around the world for the sake of Allah.

Little Auntie: That sounds like such a good idea, ma'shaAllah! May Allah give you baraka and success. Well, Khadijah, what would YOU like to tell the sisters reading this?

Khadijah: Wow, this will be a long one! J Well, I would love to tell my sisters in Islam that I am always happy and wanting to meet new sisters! Since I became Muslim I wanted to make it a goal of mine to unite as many sisters as I could globally. I have really wanted to work together to preserve the unity and love of Islam (something that has been lost, sadly.) I really want to continue to spread what our beloved Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)  worked so hard to spread and preserve. I want to tell all the sisters out there who are struggling with their deen and just with every day life, you are not alone and you never are alone. You have Allah swt and your sisters are all here for you no matter what you think!! I feel that is is so important to have a strong support group of sisters who are all striving for Jannah and who want to help each other make it there. I want to also say that your companions are extremely important! Imaan is preserved through gaining more knowledge, taqwa and having the right companions! Also, to the young, old, new, born Muslims of today, fear Allah, fear Allah, fear Allah. We get so caught up with this dunya we often forget what our purpose here on earth is; and that is to worship, submit completely to Allah and Allah alone. I really want to let all the sisters know that, I have really been through all that glitz and glam, party scene and all that media nonsense. It really is not worth any penny that you see at all. Instead of buying a vogue magazine, pick up the Qur’an and remember the words of Allah and the Last Day. Time is going by faster, and the days are getting shorter and shaitan is getting stronger. We don’t know when death will creep up on us, but when it does, remember this, you will know the truth of Allah and his messenger (pbuh) and what He was trying to convey, but by then it will be too late to repent to Allah. Would you want to die doing something haram? Or would you want to die in the state of La ilaha ilAllah? Remember this : “This, because you took the revelations of Allah (this Qur’an) in mockery, and the life of the world deceived you. So this Day, they shall not be taken out from there (Hell), nor shall they be returned to the worldly life, (so that they repent to Allah, and beg His Pardon for their sins.) (46:35)  I hope that we will all be able to taste even the smallest fragrance of Paradise! My beautiful sisters in Islam, I pray we can all unite with love, compassion, and sincerity in this dunya and the Hereafter for the sake of pleasing Allah and Allah alone. Ameen! Please don’t hesistate to check out my bloggie www.onechinesemuslimah.blogspot.com J xoxoxox

Little Auntie: Thank you so much for those important words...a really important reminder :) And thank you so much for doing this interview. I pray that this inspires another sister out there to reflect on her own life...and the life she wants to be living =) 

May Allah bless you and your family, Khadijah =) Let's definitely keep in touch!

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Your Best Hijab Moment?

Asalamu aliakaun, sisters!

That girl out there? She needs a little inspiration.There's a small voice inside of her, telling her to take that step..to wear the hijab. But a million other tiny voices saying that "It's too hard". Give her a reason to believe that she can do it and that it is not as hard as she imagines. Give her a little hope...a little inspiration

Share with us a super fantastic hijab moment....=)

I'll go first :D 

It was 8th grade and it was my second year of wearing hijab. There were 3 hijabis [counting Little Auntie and Little Miss Aunty] in the class, although we were living in a predominantly Muslim country [the UAE]. Anyways, alhamdillah, us 3 hijabis would get the best English grades...Well, the day of our English exam, I was talking to my Christian Catholic friend and she bashfully admitted that she had spent the day before studying, wearing.......................a hijab! She said "seeing how smart we were", she hoped that would rub off. =)


........




Your turn? :)

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Public Speaking...eek!

I hate public speaking. I really do. I have a big presentation coming up and I am just sick of always failing in my presentations. I wish I could be confident and eloquent so that at least I would make Islam look good but I always freeze or mess up. I read your advice on studying and thought you might be able to help.

Assalamu Alaykum Sis,

Eep! Public speaking angst; you're not alone! It's good that your intention is to show Islam in a positive way, subhanAllah you truly want to be a good ambassador of Islam. :)
Speaking in front of people is hard for most normal people, trust me. Even people on tv/performers/politicians can get nervous and they do it all the time! The main thing is to show yourself + tell yourself that you can do it. Positive thinking does wonders, trust me. :)

We're gonna combat this with PPP. Preperation. Practice. Postivity. !!!

Preperation!
I want you to think of a time when you've felt really great about yourself. You feel really up there, like you can do anything. This sometimes comes after you've done sports - so maybe get into the habit of taking a trip to the gym/going for a jog/doing yoga in your bedroom before you study your presentation or start revising it!

Practice!
This one's self-explanatory - but you'll feel a lot less nervous once you know the contents insideoutbacktofront. People feel silly (me included!) doing this - but it helps to stand in front of the mirror or in front of a stuffed toy and simply practice! Run your mind through your presentation and speak clearly to your teddy/mirror/whatever you want to use. After this, ask a few friends to sit in front you. Ask your friends what they liked about your presentation? What are their 2 top suggestions for you? You can also try it in front of your family members. I would recommend going over your presentation 5 times =)
If you get nervous - remember the aims of your presentation and focus on why you're doing this.

Positivity!
Positivity is simple yet does wonders! Telling yourself it'll be okay, can calm your nerves. Keep telling yourself it'll be okay whenever negative thoughts try to push through. I believe in you, sis - I also believe that if you believe in yourself - you'll be fine.
Most of the time, the nervousness comes from fears of what the audience may be thinking or what may happen. Emphasis here on the may. It's not certain - so don't worry. :)
If something embarrassing does happen though, it's not the end of the world - simply laugh it off, shrug it off your shoulder and think water off a duck's back. :)


On the day of the presentation, make sure you have a light but energetic breakfast, get some fresh air and keep telling yourself that it'll be okay. Also, bring note cards with big font/handwriting/ so that you can remember your main ideas.


This article also may help - it gives great tips on dealing with the angst of Public Speaking.

Some more tips to make sure your presentation is fantastic!
1- If you fidget with your hands - use them instead! Make hand gestures - this makes you look passionate and confident.
2- Chin up! - Make sure your shoulders are relaxed, back straight and you look up. Some prefer to make eye contact with a few people in the room, some prefer to stare at the back wall - whatever you feel comfortable doing. A good posture and eye contact makes an audience think 'wow, this person knows what they're doing, they're confident and they are acing this presentation!' Woo! :)
3- Move! - If the room and style of your presentation permits, move around the room slightly. Again, it makes you look and feel a lot more confident but also keeps the audience engaged.

I hope these practical tips helped you. But the most important thing, which will help you the most when coupled with practical steps is...yep you guessed it sista: dua !!!


Hope your presentation goes well, inshaAllah! Let us know how you did :)

Oh, last tip - SMILE! :)

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But What is She Doing on the Internet?

Assalamu'alaikum, I have an Internet problem, too, but it's about my little sister. I have a 14 year old sister and she wants to browse the internet whenever she can. She uses it for more than two hours. I'm not sure what she's browsing or doing and I worry that she might be getting into things she shouldn't. I need your advice on how to handle this situation nicely.  If I say "no" she keeps nagging me and sometimes I get angry. How should I approach this?

Wa'alaikum salam wa rahmatullah, :D


I know exactly what you mean. I have the same problem with my younger sister and other siblings. I can tell you what helps me in this situation.

1. Try talking to your sister nicely and developing a good and strong relationship with her. Explain to her the harms and dangers of the internet. Maybe ask her what her favorite websites are. Tell her about yours. :) See, this problem right now could just be the first of many. Other things could follow now that she's in high school, and you want to be there for her so that she doesn't give in to peer pressure and such. Be open with her. I have a friend who has sisters who are 15 years older than her, and she loves them dearly still. If I'm not mistaken, she still goes to them when she has problems or whatnot. I've known her since we were 11-12 years old, so I know that the relationship has been there for a while. Since she was younger, her older sisters let her know that they would always be there for her. See, we have to build that bond with our sisters when they are younger. I'll give you an example about myself. My baby sister is 14 years younger than me; that quite a gap, isn't it? I'm trying to do small things with her--read her and my younger brothers bedtime stories from the stories of the sahaabah or the prophets nightly. Or we go for a walk around the block, just the two of us. I'm hoping she'll remember these times fondly when she gets older. 
2. Get your parents involved. Is she on the laptop or desktop computer? If you have a desktop computer, then at least solitude with the internet is not a problem. If you guys have  laptop, ask your parents to set a rule in the house which says that all the kids have to use the laptop on, say, the dining table for only a specific amount of time unless schoolwork is involved. But make sure everyone follows this rule, including you, otherwise, it's probably not going to work.
3.  Since we're the older children in the family, it's natural to feel protective over the younger siblings, but I also think it's important to understand that we're not the parents either. My brother and I always fall into this trap and we try "parenting" them. Yes, we can guide them nicely, but honestly, it's ultimately our parents' job. Our parents raised us, and now they'll raise them well too inshaAllah. Just learn to let it goooooo. :) Don't try getting too authoritative. We're the sisters; let's try staying that way!
4. Last but certainly not least, make du'aa to Allah (swt). That's the most important tool we have! We can't forget that, now can we? :)

This here is a great post a friend of mine wrote about her sister and their relationship over the years. It might help you with the issue at hand: Sisters--Ayesha and I

I sincerely hope this answer aided you in some way, inshaAllah. Thoughts or comments, anyone? :D

Love,

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Sin...sin..sin...

Assalamualaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Let me start of by telling you Im becoming an alimah, but I dont act like an alimah at all!
I mean people think im very religious, and they compliment me everywhere I go, I pray, fast, cover my face, and everything, but I at home secretly watch videos on Youtube (and they obviously have music), and do some other sins too, but then I feeeel so guilty, I feel like screaming at myself! Im so tired of myself, I hate who I am, because Im the
worst person in the world! I feel like Im such a hypocrite, I study hadeeth and quran in the mornings, and watch stuff on youtube at night...I cry a alot sometimes and ask for forgiveness, I really want to become very very religious, but I feel like the more I yearn to become religious, the further I get, I love Allah, but I cant stop sinning. Does Allah hate me? Why isnt he helping me? I do make lots of dua and ask for help, but Im not getting any more closer to him, I feel like he doesnt care about me.
I know Im blessed to be able to study Islam, I love it, and try to act upon it as much as I can, But I keep failing. I waste so much time, I dont even properly study. Also, I was married a year ago, but the guy and his family used to torture me, and due to many other reasons,
I asked for a divorce. After that I got engaged, but the guys family started to ask me to do stuff that's forbidden in Islam. plus living with his mother was impossible due to some reasons..
My father has passed away when I was young, my siblings are busy with their own lives,
I hardly have any friends, Im so lonely, I dont like talking to anyone, because Im a huge hypocrite, I dont deserve anything.
My life is such a wreck, I sometimes feel like committing suicide, mainly because Im so afraid Allah must be so angry with me, I dont want to be punished, but I think the more I live, the more shaytaan gets me to sin, so its better if I die....
When will Allah listen to my duas? When will I change, and become a true muslimah, when will I find a good husband? Why isnt he listening to me? I dont want to go to the hell fire, but I cant control myself. What do I do? Please help!

So confused, so tired, so desperate for help!

wa'alykum asalam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!!
Dearest So Confused, So Tired, So Desperate for Help,

awww,  it sounds like you have been through a lot, my little pumpkin. You lost your father when you were young- you were abused by your ex-husband- and you were recently engaged only to have to break it off because the person wanted to do haram. May Allah give you the peace you need to get over the memories of the abuse from your ex, the strength you need to stay strong in your decision against the recent fiance and the courage and faith to stay away from the sins that you keep falling into.

As for your question....I just want to remind you that we're not scholars, here. But you know, I heard the Shaykh Mahmoud Al Masry (a very famous Egyptian daee/ Sheikh), once answer a question where a person also said that they felt like a hypocrite because everyone thought they were "good" but they had sins.

You know what he said?

A hypocrite is someone who hides his 'disbelief'- someone who doesn't believe in Allah. for example, but pretends to. Someone who secretly inside is happy whenever people insult the Messenger or attack our Qura'.

A Muslim, on the other hand, is someone who hides his 'sins'.

The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) said: "My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin(those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: "O Fulan! Last night I did this and that." He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!" [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

You see, what you're doing is right, inshaAllah. You're not supposed to flaunt your sins. You don't recommend videos to people. You don't tell people what your sin is. That doesn't make you a hypocrite. It makes you someone who is ashamed of their sins and who seeks to keep Allah's concealment.

Now, if you feel so terrible about the fact that you're sinning and everyone thinks you're so amazing, you can for example say "May Allah guide us all. I have so much more room for improvement. Please don't think I'm a perfect Muslim".

You can say the following :)

O Allah , do not call me to account for what they say and forgive me for what they have no knowledge of [and make me better than they imagine].

What else?

WEll, you say that you've been making dua for a long time to stop the sins and you just don't understand why He hasn't let you stop.

Well, sis, one thing to keep in mind is that it's our responsibility not only to make dua but to try and do things, too.

Amirul Mu'mineen (Radiya Allah Anhoo) was said to have said: A supplicant (who prays) without effort and endeavour is like an archer without a bowstring!

The question is:

Have you taken any concrete measures to help you with your problem? When we form a habit, we have to be willing to "work" to undo that habit. Have you looked at resources made for Muslims to help them against such problems? E.g.: http://www.purifyyourgaze.com/funnel/video-3

Brother Zeyad Ramadan has a course that could help you. Try checking his website.

We tried to come up with some tips, too: http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/search/label/porn

It's also equally important that you take a look at your life and see what it is this addiction is "doing for you". It could be that you're so lonely, it's your mechanism to cope against loneliness. One way to solve this, then, is to MAKE friends. Try to get involved with the Muslim community, whether in real life or online. There are lots of forums you can join! It will take effort on your part, but try....

Take that step to get to know others not only to have friends but to overcome this habit/ this sin. Go to the masjid, attend any MSA meetings, volunteer somewhere, share the knowledge you're learning in a blog, etc.

Get busy.

Don't :

- wait for "Sheikh Muslim" to come and marry you and make you a better Muslim. Allah gave you another day, didn't He? That is ANOTHER chance to be better. That is in some ways, already an answer to your prayer.
- Ever think about killing yourself. That's not the solution, at all! It's not the longer you live the more you sin. It's the more chances you have to repent and do righteous deeds.

 Look instead at what YOU CAN DO. How else you can turn things around.


Remember this:

On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say: Allah the Almighty said:

O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.

It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its chain of authorities is sound.


It is important that you do not fall into despair. Remember, no matter what your sin is, it's a greater sin to think that Allah isn't capable of forgiving it.

And finally, I wanted to add this...

Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah) said:
“Sin may be more beneficial for a person, if it leads him to repent, than doing a lot of acts of worship. This is what is meant by the words of one of the salaf:‘A person may commit a sin and enter Paradise because of it, or he may do an act of worship and enter Hell because of it.’
They said: ‘How is that?’He said: ‘He may commit a sin and continues to think about it, and when he stands or sits or walks he remembers his sin, so he feels ashamed and repents and seeks forgiveness and regrets it, so that will be the means of his salvation. And he may do a good deed and continue to think about it, and when he stands or sits or walks he remembers it and it fills him with self-admiration and pride, so it is the cause of his doom.
So the sin may be the factor that leads him to do acts of worship and good deeds and to change his attitude so that he fears Allah and feels shy before Him and feels humiliated before Him, hanging his head in shame and weeping with regret, seeking he forgiveness of his Lord. Each of these effects is better for a person than an act of worship that makes him feel proud and show off and look down on people. Undoubtedly this sin is better before Allah and is more likely to bring salvation than one who admires himself and looks down on others, and who thinks that he is doing Allah a favour. Even if he says words that indicate something other than that, Allah is the Witness over what is in his heart. Such a person may feel hatred towards people if they do not hold him in high esteem and humiliate themselves before him. If he were to examine himself honestly, he would see that clearly.”

May Allah make things easier for you =) Please also read our other post: "It's Not Too Late"

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