Wanting a Child
>> Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Salaam,
I am a revert muslimah married to a revert.
Alhumduliah, i have been married for 6 years but i dont have any child yet. I live alone and i am depressed my soul is dead.
I feel as if Allah (swt) is punishing me for choosing a basic lifestyle over Islamic studies (which i quited).
I love Quran and i want to learn to read and understand Quran so that i have a strong bond with Allah (Swt), and i want to do this before I have any children so i can teach Quran to my children.
I have tried to study online but it is imposible for those for are super orgainzed in life, for me it is only a dream.
I want your suggestions on weather to go for Islamic studies (abroad) & encourage my husband to have 2nd wife (while me still being married to him) or just stay with my husband and carry on fertility treatment? my IVF is due in about 2 years time or shall i go for 2 years and come back to do fertility treatment.
jazakaumAllah
wa'aalykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,
Dearest Muslimah Revert.
My heart ached for you when I read your letter. SubhanAllah, what you and your husband have been going through can be one of the hardest and most painful trials any couple can face.
I want to offer you a big hug RIGHT now.
And I want you to understand something. There is no sign that this is a punishment for you. Prophet Ibrahim couldn't have children for such an incredibly long time. Zakariah in the Qur'an also couldn't have children until he was very old. These were both very righteous people, SubhanAllah. I mean, come on....Prophet Ibrahim!! Not having children is not necessarily a punishment from Allah, at ALL. It could very well be the opposite. It could be a trial meant to elevate your ranks and bring you closer to Allah. It could be that you are destined for a really incredibly amazing place in paradise but you're not going there by your deeds but patience...
Remember- the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said: "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials."
The prophet (peace be upon him) said: "The greatness of the reward is tied to the greatness of the trial. When Allah loves a people, He puts them to the trial. Whoever is acceptant of it will have Allah's acceptance and whoever is displeased and unacceptant with it will gain Allah's displeasure." [At-Tirmidhi Kitab At-Tauhid]
I understand that you 'left/ quit' Islamic studies. But that doesn't mean that Allah is punishing you. Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala could have already decreed before you quit the Islamic studies that you wouldn't have children for a while....I know we sometimes want explanations and think it's easier if we can find 'someone/something to blame'-but that's really not going to fix the situation.
The truth is, Allah says in the Qur'an:
To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth; He creates what he wills. He gives to whom He wills female [children], and He gives to whom He wills males. (49) Or He makes them [both] males and females, and He renders whom He wills barren. Indeed, He is Knowing and Competent. (50) (Surat Al Shura)
^You might think- how is that suppose to comfort me?
Well, I'm trying to let you 'release'/ 'free yourself' from self-hatred/ negativity. It was never up to you or under your power to grant yourself children. It was never up to the doctors either. It's all in Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala's Hands and He is the Most Merciful, Most Wise, and Capable of doing All things.
Nothing is impossible when it comes to Allah subhanoo wa' Tala.
The most important thing is to keep having hope and praying to Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala. My own uncle had to wait 6 years and several miscarriages before having a baby, alhamdillah. I'm sure if you check the Internet, you'll see many stories of couples who had to wait a long time but ended up having a baby :)
You can also do a lot of istighfaar because Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala says in the Qur'an:
And said, 'Ask forgiveness of your Lord. Indeed, He is ever a Perpetual Forgiver. (10)He will send [rain from] the sky upon you in [continuing] showers (11) And give you increase in wealth and children and provide for you gardens and provide for you rivers. (12) (Surat Nuh)
You know Muhammad Al Shareef? He spent like 7 years also trying to have a baby. See here what he says:
AS for letting your husband take a second wife....that's very considerate of you, my darling. Are you sure you'll be able to deal with that, though?. If you feel that you could deal with it and would not resent his second wife/ the possible children from her, that's always an idea. You can bring it up with him and ask him what he feels/ wants. You can continue your fertility treatment and also bring up the issue with him. See how he feels. Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel. Talk to people who have been in that situation. Do you know ANYBODY like that? Try reading blogs of women in polygamous situations. Get in touch with people who have gone through what you're going through. Ask them what it's like...prepare yourself with knowledge. Things aren't always rosy but it doesn't mean that it's impossible...
What else?
I want you to know something. You have a beautiful soul and it's time you nourish it :) You've got to fall back in love with YOURSELF. Your life should not revolve around waiting 'for the fertility treatment to work'. Try volunteering somewhere, kickstarting your own blog, joining support groups. Wake up and decide that today is your day.
Remember: happiness is a decision.
You can also join a weekly halaqah at least if you want to continue some Islamic studies. Try going to the Friday khutbah and talking to more sisters..What about planning a Umrah trip with your husband? What about bringing toys to the orphanage? Talk to your husband about making some kind of goal together :)
Also, try reading this: http://dearlittleauntie.
I know this isn't too much, but I pray that Allah grants you the comfort of your eyes and happiness. May Allah make things easier for you. I hope the sisters can give us their encouraging words as well.
Lots of love,
