Constantly Arguing

Salam Sisters!

I am university student who has a quick question.
 Me and my older sister don’t get on at all and I want to make a difference but she just doesn’t listen to me at all, I try and be patient and tell her nicely but she still doesn’t listen. What should I do, she is getting married in 5 months and I will be back at Uni so won’t see her very often. How should I act toward her, I’m just so lost.

Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,

It's great that you want to improve your relationship with your sister! Ma'shaAllah. Now, here's the thing....you talk about 'telling her something nicely'....and wanting her to 'listen to you'. 

My question is: do you listen to her? And no, I don't mean 'let the air waves carry the sound of her voice to your ears'...I mean, really LISTEN to her.

Have you ever considered her view point?

Now, I'm not talking about something that the Sharia says is haram. You didn't mention what it is exactly that you disagree on...but the thing to keep in mind is that sometimes there is more than one way to see the picture. Perhaps you look at a zebra and think that it is black with white stripes, and she looks at it and thinks that it is white with black stripes. Neither one of you is wrong. You just see things differently.

The trouble arises when you try to force her to see it the way you see it. As human beings, we want our view points to be considered/ respected/ validated. We dislike feeling pressured into seeing things a certain way. Chances are, if you just tell her, "I can see your point but I still see things differently", that will solve a lot of trouble.

Try to use these ways to express disagreement (I'm taking a couple of them from e-how :P):

• "Interesting––it seems we have different points of view. Do you mind if I explain where I'm coming from?"
• "Really? I've had some different experiences that make me see things a little differently. Can I tell you what I think?
• "How about we try your way one time and try my way one time?"
• "You know, while I still think we have different approaches, I understand yours a little better now....

The other thing to do if you want your relationship to be better is to ask HER what it is that she's waiting for :)

Try telling her or writing to her something like the following: I really want our relationship to be better and I'm really sorry if I've done something to hurt you.  What can I do to make this situation right?"

Remember....as siblings, you guys don't necessarily have to be best friends or see everything eye to eye. But you should be polite to each other and have a generally good relationship with each other. She should know that she can count on you and that you will miss her when she gets married :) Tell her that. Invite her to eat out with you at a restaurant when you're both free. Surprise her with a small gift. Thank her for the small things she does for you (things even like making you tea, etc. :P). Send her a funny joke in an email or on facebook. Give her a nice Islamic message on her mobile...whatever. She will appreciate all of these things :)

Think of how you would treat your good friends....and treat your sister the same (if not better). Your relationship will soon improve, inshaAllah :)

May Allah make things easier for you,

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What Should I Look For?

Sisters I want advice for the things I should look for in a man, and how I should behave. I’m very confused and I feel stuck. My esteem is so down right now. There was a Muslim brother, who I thought was the most decent guy who I ever had interest in so far. I told him to get our parents involved...and then, it became apparent that he wasn't serious or interested in marriage. I'm just so down now. What should I be looking for and how should I act?

Dearest Lost and Confused,

I'm so sorry, sister, for all that you went through. Let me give you a big big hug. 

It sounds like you were really hopeful about this guy only to have it completely crushed. Alhamdillah that you told him to get your parents involved...Alhamdilla that he walked away and you found out he wasn't the one for you. InshaAllah just by letting this person go and reflecting on how you should behave next time/ who you should be looking for, you're on the steps of finding your REAL habibi/hunny who will help you on the path to jannah.  

Now, let's get to your questions! 

 What Should You Look For in a Man

I know most of us have/had some kind of dream list...the whole "sweep you off your feet, make your heart flutter, tall, handsome, a da'ee, a hafiz, etc." 

But sisters...we need to be a little (ahem...a lot more) realistic. 

Here are things you should be considering:

A) READINESS: the first thing that should catch your attention is whether or not the person is ready for marriage and its responsibility and commitment. That means put a big fat X on signing up on any 'Muslim dating websites' or that kinda thing. Remember: you want someone who is seeking "marriage" and not "friendship". Someone who understands the responsibilities of the husband  in Islam and has the means fulfill them. Someone who asks you for your wali's number and how to contact your wali for marriage or even has his mother/sister bring up the topic with you.   

I also want to stress on the fact here that the person should have the capabilities for marriage. If he doesn't have some place for you to live in or any kind of plan for you to get married, it's really not going to work.  Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not saying that he has a 6 digit salary...but that he has an appropriate financial plan/ some kind of thought process of how you're going to be living together. Prophet Mohammed sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:

Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at women and preserves your chastity; but those who cannot should fast, for it is a means of cooling passion."

B) Religion: This one is pretty easy. We all know the famous hadith:

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you, then marry [your female relative who is under your care] to him, for if you do not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1084)

You want someone who has the correct aqidah and prays their 5 prayers...someone who always attends the Friday prayer, lowers their gaze around women (and not has a zillion girls on his facebook account), makes an effort to be a better Muslim. Maybe attends Islamic seminars or listens to lectures. If he knows the Imam of the mosque and hangs out with him/has religious friends, that's even better...(since friends have a huge huge effect on us).

You don't want someone who has no problems with going to a club to chill out, watches R-rated movies, only prays during Ramadan, doesn't have a problem eating pork/not halal meat, etc. 

C) Character: Honestly, this is related to the religion (since it is religion in action), but I thought I would break it down a bit. You really want to look and ask about  his manners, work ethics, how does he treat the neighbors, what do the people in the community say about him...what kind of language he uses, what volunteer work he does/any charity projects, etc.

d) Compatibility:

Here's the thing. You’re not looking for your mirror reflection in a male form…but someone who shares your vision.

 Studies have now shown that being similar is not as important as having the same goals/ values/ perspective. 

Don't just take my word for it. (See here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/questions-to-ask-as-a-couple-before-getting-engaged/). 

Let's Bring in the Research:

Having similar interests and hobbies isn’t necessary, agreed [says] Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, a psychologist who specializes in couples and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. But being similar in underlying values and beliefs is key to the happiness and stability of your marriage, according to her research study tracking the same couples for almost 24 years.

The other traits...depend on you: some girls need a guy with a funny bone...Others don't care if he's funny but want him to be driven/ ambitious. Some look for a guy with confidence...These traits are relative and really depend on what you find attractive, mentally stimulating, etc. 

II.Now, what to do when you find someone you are interested in:

Well, if the brother approaches you and asks you for your wali's number, that's all set :) You arrange a time for him to visit the house and have a meeting...

If he doesn't, that's where things get trickier.....

You can have your own brother contact him...have an "aunty" talk to his mom......

Point is: get some third person involved that can broach the topic with him and see how he feels

But how do you behave once the prospective suitor comes over/ you meet him?

The simple key is this: he is a non-mahram to you. Yes, he's someone you're interested in...but, he's still NOT YOUR HUSBAND. So, you treat him the way you treat any non-mahram.

 You're never alone with him but always have chaperoned meetings. IF he's calling you, he's calling you when your family is around and can hear the conversation (and not in the middle of the night. Not even to wake you up for fajr, hunny bunny :P). 

Remember, you're not flirting but talking with a clear intention and purpose to get to know each other. You're asking things like: what his goals are, where he plans to live, what he's looking for in a partner, what he won't tolerate from his wife, how he wants to raise his children, what makes him angry and how he reacts when he's angry, etc. You have a kind of time frame for your meetings....you're not just talking endlessly.

You smile and make eye contact sometimes...but you also lower your gaze and not stare openly. 

You dress neatly and modestly...

This is a website that may help you: http://www.themarriagerevolution.com/

Well, sister, I hope this was a little helpful for you :) Sisters, share your advice and 'dream lists', too =) I'm sure I forgot some key points :D

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Aunty Me? :)

 Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullah,

I pray you are in best of health and eeman,
I was wondering if you can help me with this.
The problem is my sisters are not very practising... may Allah guide them! Alhumdulillah our parents have thought us the basic moral values but other than that my sisters do not follow islam religiously as of now! One thing that really troubles me is when they scold their children they do it in terms of "Allah will send you to hell if you do this" ! May be because that's how culturally it's put in our minds.. where fear of Allah is instilled rather than love for Him!
Anyway I was wondering, could u suggest some activities or ways in which I can develop my relationship with their kids better inshaAllah. They come home every weekend. So what can I do in the little time I get to teach them and instill in them good perspective about Islam, inshaAllah?

Wa alaykum as salaam,

First of all, it's wonderful to see you take on a positive role and to really want to help your nieces and nephews grow more in love with Allah and their religion. May Allah accept your efforts. And may Allah increase your sisters' understanding of Islam and help them to be positive role models for their children. Ameen to your duas.

You asked about different kinds of activities you could do to help develop your relationship with the kids while giving them a good perspective about Islam. To be honest, activities are important (and we'll look at a few ideas) but besides activities, it's the attitude that matters. The thing is it's really not any different from how you would develop your relationship with anyone.  Kids are just like grown -ups. They want to feel heard, understood, appreciated, cared for, and that they matter. They want to be around people who make them feel safe to be themselves, who can laugh and have fun, and who are spontaneous.  They don't want to be unfairly criticized, blamed, and compared to others.  If you're doing those things while being the best person you can be (as honest, patient, gentle, etc as you can) and you talk about religion, you're going to create a connection for them that matters- people who practice Islam are the best people.

When it comes to activities, there are so many different things to do. Of course, it depends on their ages, but here are some ideas:

-You can read about the Prophet's seerah, together and the other prophets, too. If they're the "we have to move around type", you don't have to only look at the story from a book. You could actually make it more interesting by "going out" and doing things. For example, you could tell them the story of Prophet Nuh while you're on a boat ride.  If you go to like a "Sea World" kinda of place (where there are whales), you can tell them the story of Prophet Yunus. In this way, they're learning and having fun.

- You can also tell them the stories of the Companions. After reading about them, you could ask "So, now we've seen how so many of the Companions were given titles/ nicknames by the Prophet. Khaled bin Waleed was "The Sword of Allah" for example.  "What nickname would you have wanted the Prophet to call you? What shall we call you from now on?"  That's just one example. The point is always to try to give them a chance to connect to whatever it is you're doing.

-You can do a project on what jannah looks like and look up different verses and ahadith. Or you could have them talk about what they would like to have/ do there. Let them get real imaginative :) Another way of doing this is to have each one of them look up beautiful pictures of nature/ hotels around the world and then casually mentioning that Allah has prepared something even better for the believers.

-You could agree to fast one day and cook up iftaar together ./ Even just have them cook up a big meal for the whole family and talk about silat al rahm (upholding the ties of kinship).

-You could take them to a mosque and have them clean it up.

-You could have them paint cards for their friends and buy small gifts and talk about the sunnah of giving gifts.

-Do a trivia night

But you know what? You don't even need to do special activities. Everyday activities are great too. Just add some Islamic ideas. For instance, clean up the house with them (and let them get wet and have fun too with the bubbles/wipes) And while you're doing that, talk about how Allah loves cleanliness. Take them swimming and tell them that the Prophet said we should learn swimming.

Practical implementation of ahadith and ayaat will definitely make them see Islam as something that they live by…and NOT something that one only remembers as a threat. 

Even when you're playing any normal game, you can just give them a small hint/ Islamic reminder through the game. For example, as you are playing, "I spy", you can say, "I see something that is glorifying Allah that is blue (a blue bird, e.g.) ".

I've also gotten you some amazing blogs and links with all sorts of Islamic activities for children :) May Allah reward these incredible bloggers, ma'shaAllah =)
Jannah Steps
http://amuslimchildisborn.blogspot.com/
http://islamicbulletinboards.wordpress.com/
http://umamahlearningacademy.blogspot.com/
http://raisingmuslims.wordpress.com/

And here are some other links for children to use:
http://kids.islamweb.net/english/
Baba Ali has some great videos aimed at younger children; Here.
http://www.muslimkidsville.com/


Lastly, it really would be best for you to talk to your sisters, as well, about the importance of building love for Allah. Try giving your sisters other things to say like "I know you want to do this, but you're going to get hasnaat if you do ………..". OR "That might look like fun, but it's not something Allah likes. Let's stay away from it"….

May Allah reward you tremendously :)
Love,

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Feeling Down about Hijab?

Asalamu alaikum Auntie!

I just want to say thank you so much again for your blog :) Auntie I am scared right now about what is going through my head because I am actually thinking about actually taking a little time off from wearing hijab. I feel so ashamed that this thought is going through my head because since I started wearing hijab 9 months ago, I have never felt so beautiful in my life and content with who I am as a person. The reason for these thoughts is because I am planning to study abroad in France the upcoming year. And I guess the truth is I am afraid to wear hijab there because of the huge islamophobia issue going on there today. I guess I kind of want to fit in when I go there and not feel isolated by them since I do not have family in France nor anyone that I know well. I am so sad that I am contemplating this after Allah swt  helped and guided me to actually have the courage to wear hijab. This winter break was the fast time that I travelled internationally wearing hijab and I was really excited. But when I was entering back into the U.S and going through security they actually has someone come and pat my hijab in front of everyone. I don't know why, but when this happened I actually started to cry. I have never had something like that happen to me before I am not sure if I can do it again I guess.I felt so hurt and honestly a little disrespected that the hijab to them is somethin that cannot be trusted. I feel like a coward for wanting to take it off while studying abroad in France. Right now my heart feels so restless and I am ashamed because I truly want to live my life only to please Allah swt. I would truly be thankful for any advice that you provide.

Wa'alaikum salam wa rahmatullah!

Alhamdulillah, I'm really happy to hear that you started wearing hijab recently. May Allah (swt) grant you strength and steadfastness. 

Aww, I'm sorry for what you had to go through at airport security, sweetie. Let me give you a *virtual* hug. :)

Let's take a look at this hadith:

Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Islam initiated as something strange, and it will revert to its (old position) of being strange. So, glad tidings to the stranger!” [Muslim]

Keeping this hadith in mind, in reality, we have something to celebrate! Here we are, following the teachings of the only perfect man to walk this Earth. Rasulullah (sallalahu 'alaihi wa sallam) also said:

The Prophet said: 'Whoever loves my way of life (Sunnah) loves me, and whoever loves me will be with me in Paradise.' (Sunan At-Tirmidhî)

What reward can be greater than that of promised, eternal paradise? :)

You see, sister, it's completely natural to get bogged down by this. You feel different physically. Everyone around us is dressed in the least amount of clothes possible. 

Islamophobia is going on everywhere these days. France is just one of the countries. Let me tell you something. I just recently moved from Michigan (a state populated by Muslims) to central Pennsylvania (where many students are from areas where they've never even seen a Person of Color or another race), so it was a big change moving here. It was awkward and uncomfortable at times. I even contemplated taking off my niqab for a bit. But then I spoke with somebosy who told me that this is the actual test. When I was back home at Michigan, it was just a trial run. Allah (swt) gave me that opportunity and now I was being put to test. Of course things are easy when there's no obstacle in the way, but when there is, that is when you know that you're being tested by Allah (swt). and we already know that we're strangers in this world, so let's just take it with the flow. Yes, people will look at you weird: smile at them. You take the iinitiative to break the stereotype! But take this as an opportunity for growth as an individual, as a person. I can tell you this--I would not be the person I am had I not started wearing niqab. It pushed me to my limits. It forced me to be more open and confident and social. You'll learn so much  about yourself. 

And bear in mind to keep your intentions straight. We're wearing hijab in order to fulfill a commandment of Allah (swt). If we do something solely for Him, we'll see that it will become easier inshaAllah. Remmeber to talk to Allah (swt) in duaa. tell him of your struggles in the last third of the night during tahujjud time. Ask Him to make this easy for you.

Lastly, don't be too worried about others' reactions. You might be surprised at the reactions you get. Too often, we focus only on the negative remarks we get from a few ignorant people. The truth is, the majority of people will be accepting and might even admire you for your devotion to your faith. Your hijab will serve as a shield for you, as a protection of sorts. You'll be respected by others. There's a reason why Islam is the fastest growing religion today. Just recently, a professor showed something somewhat inappropriate in class (vulgar language and such) and later, he sent me a private email apologizing for the content knowing it didn't conform to my Islamic values. He didn't necessarily know much about my religion. He "read" it based off my way of dress and mannerism.

One last thing, when you go to France, try making friends with like-minded individuals (Muslims perhaps), with people you feel comfortable with, who share the same beliefs and values as you do, who won't pressure you into doing something you shouldn't do.

So don't be too worried. You'll be okay, inshaAllah! We're all making duaa for you!

--Apple Blossoms 

P.S: Be sure to check out www.igotitcovered.org! I think you'll love it! 

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HandShake

I'm a practicing Muslim, so after I started to cover I decided that I would also not allow men to shake hands with me. The problem is that I haven't always been like this, and it sends confusing signals to the people around me. Mostly my male classmates/advisers/teachers etc. There is just this awkward moment when I'm being introduced (in a professional setting) to a male. And I don't take his hand, which is like a slap, or, flustered, I do take his hand, but then later explain that I shouldn't of. I know I should make up my mind, but I keep changing it, and I can't help it. I just want to know how important, how mandatory is this issue?
I'm pursuing a degree in which I will have to attend a lot of places that have a very professional setting, and when you're meeting so many people and doing so many things, it is natural and brief to shake hands with men. To tell the truth it's not my personalpreference, but I feel like I might make the decision to do it anyway, just to stop the confusion and not hinder any professionalopportunities. As an American Muslim it's our job to show the people around us that we can be approached and how we're just like everyone else, but doesn't this set up barriers? Is it really wise to cause a rift in the air over a mere handshake? It just seems like a simple thing, is it really so much of a big deal? It really puts people off, in my field it's really, really important to make good first impressions, especially when meeting doctors that you could potentially shadow later on. I've noticed that a lot of the men inmedicine are really easily offended, and if they find you rude, you easily lose your internship position, or they just don't recommend you for anything. Please give me your two cents into this issue so I can make a proper, informed decision.
Muslimah who tries

Dearest Muslimah who Tries,

M'ashaAllah, sister, it's wonderful that you have taken steps recently to stop shaking hands..and that you're obviously evaluating you behavior and  relationship with Allah. I'm also really happy you asked your question. You’re definitely not alone.

What you have to remember is that as Muslims, we know that it is Allah, alone, who has the right to determine whether something is a sin or not. And when He decides if something is wrong, then it is wrong. It's not up to us to ask 'how wrong is it', but to 'obey'..

The only statement of the [true] believers when they are called to Allah and His Messenger to judge between them is that they say, "We hear and we obey." And those are the successful. (51) And whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger and fears Allah and is conscious of Him - it is those who are the attainers.(52) {Surah 24}

And that only makes sense...the Creator is the One who knows us best and is more Merciful to us than our mothers. Moreover, the Creator is the One who knows what is best for us as individuals and as a society at large.

That said, we do have a serious hadith about hand shakes...that shows it is something we shouldn't take lightly. 

The hadeeth of Ma’qal ibn Yassaar (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If one of you were to be struck in the head with an iron needle, it would be better for him than if he were to touch a woman he is not allowed to.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5045).

The reality is that Islam sees physical contact and touch as something special, intimate, meant for those we care about and are close to. Islam recognizes how touch can affect us.

Interestingly enough, I did a quick look online and I found this in an article in the New York Times:

“The evidence that such messages [touch] can lead to clear, almost immediate changes in how people think and behave is accumulating fast. Students who received a supportive touch on the back or arm from a teacher were nearly twice as likely to volunteer in class as those who did not, studies have found. A sympathetic touch from a doctor leaves people with the impression that the visit lasted twice as long, compared with estimates from people who were untouched. Research by Tiffany Field of the Touch Research Institute in Miami has found that a massage from a loved one can not only ease pain but also soothe depression and strengthen a relationship.” (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/23/health/23mind.html?_r=0)

So touch is a message in itself. It’s reaching out and getting more personal, which when it comes to the opposite gender, is not what Islam encourages. Islam has made it very clear that our relationship with the opposite gender is bound by limits. And we make things easier for ourselves by setting the limits right from the get go--- from that hadnshake. 

Secondly, what about the issue of  'creating barriers to dawah'....

There are a couple of things we ALL have to remember. At the end of the day, when you face Allah, are you going to tell Him that you are "American/ Pakistani/ British?" Or are you going to tell Him that you are "Muslim"? No matter what you're living, you are a Muslim...

Your identity first and foremost is: a Muslim in America....

And the fact of the matter is that Islam doesn't change depending on where you are. We don't change Islam but we let Islam change us. 

Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala tells us:This day I have perfected for you your religion and completed My favor upon you and have approved for you Islam as religion.  [Surat Al Maidah, verse 3]

In fact, by not shaking hands, you may actually be more of an instrumental tool to dawah than by shaking hands. Let's imagine you went to a gathering, yourself, and you found that 20 out of 21 people were wearing the same kind of uniform. But ONE person wasn't. Who would you be more interested in? Whose story would you want to know?

We naturally are attracted to those who are different and who stand out...those people who are not part of the herd. By informing them that you can't shake hands, you may catch their attention more than if you did touch their hands.

And that is what Islam teaches us to be.

“Indeed Islaam began as something strange. And it will return as something strange the way it began. So give glad tidings to the strangers”.

Islam teaches us that we are exceptional, extraordinary. We teach others who we are and not become who they are.

Furthermore, the prophet was the person who was given the greatest mission of dawah...and he had to do it in a time where women and men also freely intermingled. Did he shake hands?

 It was narrated from ‘Urwah that ‘Aa’ishah told him about the bay’ah (oath of allegiance) given by the women: “The hand of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) never touched the hand of any woman. When he accepted the oath of allegiance from a woman, he would accept her words and then say, ‘Go, for you have sworn your allegiance.’”(Narrated by Muslim, 1866) 

All you have to do then is just be polite as you explain to them, 'I am terribly sorry. No offence intended, but in Islam we do not shake hands with the opposite sex.'

 What other advice can our readers give?
Little Miss Aunty

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A Little Sensitive

The problem here is that .....my friends.. a few of them said, i am a merely fragile person..that i am too sensitive. When they give me criticisms, I try to take it in a positive way and use husn al zan, but, it is also difficult. More and more they are ostracizing me and it's really hurting me. why they can't accept me as i am while i can accept them as they are? i always pray that Allah forgive them and me as well and reward them with happiness. i am so sad. although this problem seems to be a childish-like- problem but being ostracized is very hurt and painful. Kindly to help me dear.

 Dearest Sensitive,

I'm soooo sooo sorry for taking so long to respond to you. I hope you can forgive me.

Your problems don't sound 'silly' at all. Let me remind you that Rasool Allah sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:

Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."

The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said "no sadness or hurt", sister...So big hugs to you.

You know, I'm a pretty sensitive person, myself. For years, it caused me problems between certain relatives and me because I could not understand their sense of humor. I felt that they were "laughing at me"(...when what they really meant was to laugh "with me".). But there were other things, too. Basically, I took things more to heart. A simple comment could really affect me for a long time...and for years to come. Words often left me feeling like a painful paper cut was throbbing in my heart.

And maybe that is because- like you- it is a part of my nature to be sensitive

In fact, I was recently reading an article that discussed a condition known as HSP:  

Take a look at this:

 HSPs suffer from what is called sensory-processing sensitivity and are more susceptible than ordinary people to both internal and external stimuli. "They have an innate tendency to process things more carefully," says Aron, who has devised a test to gauge where one falls on the sensitivity continuum. "They tend to be aware of subtleties and are therefore easily overwhelmed by their feelings." An HSP doesn't just cry while watching a film like The Notebook - she experiences actual grief symptoms. She also reacts strongly to things such as noise and light, and is particularly sensitive to stimulants such as coffee. Typically an HSP demonstrates greater caution and reluctance than the non-HSP population with things such as taking risks, trying new experiences, meeting new people, even venturing to unfamiliar places.

http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/are-you-too-sensitive?page=2

Perhaps you have this condition, yourself..

I don't know.

But does that mean that that is the end? That's it? You are born with an extra sensitive nature and your friends just have to accept it and you live with it?

Actually sis, while you very much could be born with this extra sensitive nature, the problem is that we do not live in an idealistic world where people know what to say and how we take their words. So what we have to do is understand that although we are born with 'extra sensitivity', we can also develop ways to better deal with these feelings.

And in all honesty, we really should try to do that, because this dunya is basically a test...And it tests us in every way. Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala tells us that a characteristic of jannah is that THAT IS THE PLACE WHERE NO HURTFUL WORDS ARE SPOKEN:

They will not hear therein any ill speech - only [greetings of] peace - and they will have their provision therein, morning and afternoon. (62) That is Paradise, which We give as inheritance to those of Our servants who were fearing of Allah.(19:63) 

(And also:

No ill speech will they hear therein or any falsehood - (35) [As] reward from your Lord, [a generous] gift [made due by] account,(36)[From] the Lord of the heavens and the earth and whatever is between them, the Most Merciful. They possess not from Him [authority for] speech. (37

That means, hunny bunch, by account of the Qu'ran itself, you have to realize that this world- this dunya- is a place where you will hear much that will hurt you. 

But, sis, it doesn't have to break you.

First, trying saying a heartfelt 'salam' when you meet your friends. Really sincerely wish for them peace and mercy from Allah. The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam told us that this is a way to spread love between us. Maybe by starting with 'salam', your friends will be reminded of the words 'peace and mercy' and be more gentle with you. 

Second, it's great that you try to use husn al zan..Keep doing that. Realize that a word has many meanings. If your friend says "You look really bad today", maybe they don't actually mean "Eeeow. What a yuck hair style/ horrible outfit", but actually mean "You look really tried/ down/ like something is bothering you." 

Instead of deciding they mean the negative statement, try giving them a chance to explain themselves. Repeat what they said with a question hanging at the end:
second: really bad today? Or just ask them "Sorry, I didn't understand what you meant by that."

Third: remember that a person's words are a reflection of the state they are in and who they are and not who you are. If someone is having a rotten day and says something insensitive to you, don't for one second think that what they said about you is a fact. It is merely a reflection of their own internal state/ the problems they are going through. 

Fourth: explore your sensitive areas and find out what are your biggest 'sensitive triggers'. Think about it. What are the things that really hurt you or make your heart break. Why do you think that happens? Was there something in the past that you haven't overcome yet? Something you need closure with?

Fifth: ^ Continuing with the 4rth step, inform your friends that these areas are really 'red lines' for you. I've personally told a couple of people that my voice is something I'm very sensitive about. Once people know that you are sensitive about this particular area, they are more likely to avoid making fun of it.

Sixth: Build your own self-esteem and confidence. Love yourself more, sister. Take a personal development course or read personal development articles and books: http://www.bbc.co.uk/learning/subjects/personal_development.shtml

http://dawnbarclay.com/99-personal-development-questions-your-brain-can-thank-you-for.

Work out in the gym. Exercise. Eat well. These things really affect how we feel about ourselves and in turn how we view other people's comments. 

Seventh: Make new friends, as well :) Meet people from different places....perhaps these friends don't really understand you as much as you understand them or care about them. Try to make new friendships and meet other people, as well. The more people you know, the less you are influenced by a single person's comments, inshaAllah.

Eighth: Make dua :) 

Well, sister, I hope these ideas help you a bit...and the other sisters can also share their ideas, as well. 

-

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Eeeeek. EXAMS. Stressed.

Okay, so I am 16 years old and I think I have really weird problems.
I don't know how to calm down, stress less and be a little more self-confident because it jeopardises my school work. For example, I am a very anxious and worrying person. I could stress over everything and I don't believe in myself- or so all my teachers tell me. My history teacher said that if I don't calm down and panic less in my exam then I could seriously mess up because I could misread the question and blank out- which has happened to me in a MOCK exam- what's gna happen in the real exam? He said you can't stress like this in your exam because then you're going to mess up. Also he says I don't believe in my intelligence and that I doubt myself- but I feel if I believe in myself then I could get proud- which is obviously very problematic especially in Islam!                                      The other thing is that lately, my skin is not the best. I have spots and hyper pigmentation on my cheeks and forehead and people- like my family just are like 'what happened to your skin' like my auntie said this to me then repeated it to my mum infront of me as if I had a disease and I went home and just CRIED my eyes out. Like its not nearly as bad compared to others but it is pretty bad. And my little cousins are like 'have you got teenage spots' or 'your spotty' and I'm just don't strong enough to deal with that because I honestly could cry. I get really defensive and angry about it whenever anyone says anything. But my mum and dad are obviously like you can't take these things to heart an you have to be a stronger person.

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,

Dearest STRESSED OUT,

I'm so sorry, hun, to read about your stress. When you're going through a stressful time, it's so hard to be able to enjoy anything: in every corner, there's a shadow..a glimpse of stress 'lurking'....

.
It's even worse when your teacher is telling you that you CAN'T STRESS because stressing out is going to make you do even worse in your exam. Then, you're stuck stressed out about stressing out..and it's like..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.

So yeah...I totally feel for you, sweets. 

Here's a big hug for you.

But, now, let's take this one step at a time.

You said that you don't want to be "confident" because then you could become arrogant/ proud and that has big serious consequences in Islam. Well, hunny, it's really admirable that you don't want to fall into the trap of arrogance (which is basically the major sin Shaytaan fell into), but at the same time, as we mentioned before...there is a huge difference between self-esteem and arrogance. 

Take a look at our link here: http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2012/06/pride-vs-self-esteem.html

I'll just put one sentence here: 

Good self esteem is when you can recognize the gifts and opportunities Allah gave you and be grateful for them and ask Allah to keep blessing you.

Basically sis, good self esteem comes from our Islamic knowledge that we were perfectly fashioned by Allah. 

So first thing's first:

- trust in Allah

- appreciate your special abilities that you have been given

- work on improving the areas you need to improve

Second, let's talk about how to calm down =)

Sis, the thing to keep in mind is that life is full of troubles. We can't escape the fact that this world is a test and that it is, in many ways, a series of problems after problems. 

The Qur'an tells us: 

We have certainly created man into hardship. (90: 4)

What matters then is how we DEAL with those problems...how we cope with them.

Alhamdulillah, as Muslims, Allah has given us special ways to help us deal with stress. Since we've talked before about 'exams' and how to study for them, I'm going to focus this time on stress in general and how to deal with it...

A. DUA:

First of all, just remember that you have a Loving Lord, who answers your CALL :)

“And when My slaves ask you concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright.” [al-Baqarah 2:186]

Second, there are authentic duas you can recite to help ward off stress/ anxiety, including: 

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no-one who is afflicted by distress and grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka ibn ‘abdika ibn amatika naasyati bi yadika, maada fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka. As’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghayb ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’ huzni wa dhihaab hammi

 (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety),’ but Allaah will take away his distress and grief, and replace it with joy.” He was asked: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we learn this?” He said: “Of course; everyone who hears it should learn it.”

Ibn ‘Abbaas reported that when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) felt distressed, he would say: “Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem al-Haleem, laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb al-‘Arsh al-‘azeem, la ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb al-samawaat wa Rabb al-ard wa Rabb al-‘Arsh al-kareem

 (There is no god but Allaah, the All-Powerful, the Forbearing; there is no god but Allaah, Lord of the mighty Throne; there is no god but Allaah, Lord of heaven, Lord of earth, and Lord of the noble Throne).

”

Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was distressed by something, he would say: “Yaa Hayyu yaa Qayyoom bi rahmatika astagheeth

 (O Ever-Living, O Eternal, by Your mercy I seek help).”

Another of the beneficial du’aa’s which the Messenger of Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught us is the one he told us about when he said: “The du’aa’ of the person who is in distress is: ‘Allaahumma rahmataka arjoo fa laa takilni ilaa nafsi tarfat ‘ayn w’aslih li sha’ni kullahu laa ilaaha illa anta (O Allaah, for Your mercy I hope, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs for the blink of an eye. There is no god but You.

B. Prayer:

Work on perfecting your prayer. Trust me, there is nothing that is as soothing as bowing your head all the way down and turning all your troubles over to Allah. 

Instead of rushing in your prayer, take extra time in your sujood. Let all the troubles fall down off your shoulders...

Try also to wake up for the third of the night and both do extra prayers and duas. :)

C. Listen to/ Read Qur'an

D. Be Grateful. Focus on positive things and what is going on right. Tell Allah "Thank you". And remember this:

“And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed My punishment is severe.'”

Besides these Islamic ways, there are also other ways to help reduce your tension and stress :) 

Things like:

•  breathe in and breathe out, deeply and slowly
• pamper yourself with a bubble bath
• give yourself a soothing foot massage
•  maybe you find baking relaxing? putting on nail polish?
• listen to some soothing nasheeds
• Think about a really good memory or a time when things were going right. Relive that moment
• Exercise. Hit the gym :D
• Go to a nice quiet park and relax

It's important that you eat good healthy foods, as well...and that you sleep well :) 

Here are some other ways for you, as well: 

http://www.stop-anxiety-panic-attack.com/25-ways-to-relieve-anxiety.html

As for the issue about your skin, you might want to discuss the matter with a doctor. It's pretty normal at that age for pimples and such to come out, but it doesn't hurt to get a doctor's opinion/ help. They might be able to recommend you a good cleanser or face wash...

Let's also get the sisters' opinions on how they manage their stress :D Share with us your ways to get rid of stress :)

May Allah make things easier for you, sweetie,

Little Auntie

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