He Was Mean

Salamz little aunties,

I've never been one to send in a question to a blog, but here goes nothing. Growing up, my parents fought a lot. Let's just say my father was very mean and strict. He was religious but in a way that didn’t make you like religion, if you know what I mean? Well, my parents ended up divorcing and I grew up with my mother. My mother was never that religious but she was a very good person and very kind. When I became a teenager, I met my dad again and he seemed different, a little nicer, actually, but a big part of me still resents him.

I know I’m taking a long time to get to it, but I just feel like I have to explain everything. Basically, my biggest problem now is that I am torn between wanting to be more religious and not being able to forget the bad memories of my father. I really don’t want to be like my dad. Whenever I think about growing more religious, a little voice inside says ‘it would be better to be like my mother…”

So I really don't know what to do.

Anon

Dearest Anon,
Asalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,

My sweet sis. One of the most painful things in the world is to ‘be on the sidelines’ and watch your parents argue/ fight. It can be even more painful when you feel that one of your parents is ‘wronging the other’ one. I know that we want to protect our parents from hurt, as well, so I can imagine that you must have felt extremely bad for your mother….

But as for your particular question, my sweets, I really think you need to ask yourself a major question,

Why do you think you need to make a choice here between being like your mother and being like your father?

What I really mean by that though is: why do you think you need to decide to either
a. Be more religious [‘like your father’]
b. Or be kind and gentle [like your mother]

The way I see it is that you absolutely do NOT need to make a decision such a decision. You only need to redefine what being religious means….

Being religious is acknowledging that you have One Lord, and that He has rights over you. It is admitting that you have a Master and that He alone is worthy of your worship….not your job, not your friends, not your computer, even.

It means dedicating your life to your Sustainer, the Most Merciful: deciding that He has a say in the way you dress, what you eat, what you watch, etc. It means keeping the covenant with Him and praying the prescribed prayers, fasting as He has ordained, and avoiding all that He has forbidden (as much as you can), and returning to Him whenever you make a mistake.

It absolutely has nothing to do with being ‘harsh’ or ‘mean.’

In fact:

In a hadith, the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam was reported to have said:

“None of you believe until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself”.

Can you imagine then how important it is to be polite to others? To care about others? To be kind?

Let’s take a look at a very important hadith:

Abu Hurayra said, "The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was asked, 'Messenger of Allah! A certain woman prays in the night, fasts in the day, acts and gives sadaqa, but injures her neighbours with her tongue.' The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'There is no good in her. She is one of the people of the Fire.' They said, 'Another woman prays the prescribed prayers and gives bits of curd as sadaqa and does not injure anyone.' The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'She is one of the people of the Garden.'"

Do you see what this hadith is saying? Part of being religious IS being kind to others. It is not "only dividing religion between you and Allah” (as in praying extra prayers but being mean to His creatures), but realizing that religion encompasses the relationship you have with OTHERS! The way you treat others is a reflection of your piety.

In fact, we have an entire surah in the Qura’n that revolves around this:

Have you seen the one who denies the Recompense? (1)For that is the one who drives away the orphan (2) And does not encourage the feeding of the poor. (3) So woe to those who pray (4) [But] who are heedless of their prayer - (5) Those who make show [of their deeds] (6) But refuse (to supply) (even) neighbourly needs. (7) [Chapter Al Ma’un]

Let’s also take a look at this hadith qudsi:

Allah subhanoo Wa’ Tala says:

O son of Adam, I fell ill and you visited Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I visit You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so had fallen ill and you visited him not? Did you not know that had you visited him you would have found Me with him? O son of Adam, I asked you for food and you fed Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I feed You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so asked you for food and you fed him not? Did you not know that had you fed him you would surely have found that (the reward for doing so) with Me? O son of Adam, I asked you to give Me to drink and you gave Me not to drink. He will say: O Lord, how should I give You to drink whin You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: My servant So-and-so asked you to give him to drink and you gave him not to drink. Had you given him to drink you would have surely found that with Me.

It was related by Muslim.

So being religious means helping your Muslim brothers and sisters. It also means having a good character.

Abu Darda (Radiya Allah Anhoo) narrated that the Prophet (Sallah Allahoo Alyhee wa salam.) said, “There is nothing heavier than good character put in the scale of a believer on the Day of Resurrection.” (Abu Dawud, 4781)

Do you see what we’re saying? Nowhere does it say that in order to be religious one has to be very ‘strict’ and ‘mean’. In fact, Allah subhanoo Wa’ Tala also says:

"It is part of the Mercy of Allah that you dealt gently with them. Were you severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about you" [ 3:159]

This verse is referring to the Prophet. Our prophet was kind and gentle. He was also our role-model, the example that Allah told us to follow. When we imitate his merciful nature/ his sunnah (the way he would always smile, etc.), we are ‘being religious’.

In fact,

Being religious means giving charity; caressing the head of an orphan, forgiving people, and not accusing people of things they have not committed. It is not lying, it is saying the truth, it is not being racist. A white is not better than a black, and a Arab is not better than a foreigner and a foreigner is not better than an Arab except in taqwa (piety).

Being religious means visiting the sick, respecting the elderly, being gentle to your parents, treating your neighbors good. It means being peaceful, it means honoring your promises, it means treating people like brothers and sisters, it means not harming yourself or harming others, it means calling your friends with names that they like, not talking about people behind their back.

So what do you think, sis, of this (really long, lol) definition, sis? Will you decide to be more religious? Will you aim to be a person of the Garden?

Lots of love,

P.S. Even though I am pretty sure I do not have to say this, I just want to let you know that becoming more religious does not mean that you are siding with your father- it in no way reflects negatively on your mother.

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You guys make good aunties!

Asalamu ailakuam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!


Wow, Ma’shaAllah, we had such GREAT replies, I decided to post up my reply so that others would be sure to read your replies and also contribute to our 101 Project. And yeah, my comment in response to your comments was waaaay too long anyways :P)

Jnana, I totally agree. I remember once a da’ee was addressing this issue. He said “Girls, when you are around guys, your faces should be like ‘wood’”….It sounds funny in English but it’s sorta like being an ‘ice princess’. I know a lot of girls think “But he’s going to think I’m so rude if I don’t add him on facebook/ if I don’t stop and say hello and…etc.” but the reality is that it’s really us who sets the limits. If you make it clear from the beginning that you don’t talk to ANY guys, they’ll understand it’s not personal…but once you start with the ‘oh, he’s my brother in Islam, I’ll just smile, let’s just exchange emails, let me ask him about his mother/brother/sister/school/work,” you really can’t ‘stop it’……It’s like ‘friendliness’ opens up (can I say it?) Pandora’s box. It’s best instead to keep your relationships professional.

Oh and always remember that guys are wired differently from girls. There has been a few studies also on how guys and girls interpret each other’s ‘behavior’ and you’ll be surprised to know that many times guys get the signal that you are ‘flirting’ with them, when you really don’t mean anything by it….so again, remember that you might think you are ‘being friendly’ but he ‘might be interpreting quite differently’.

Athoofa, you are so right about having at least one friend that can keep you on the path.

Our friends really do have a huge impact on us. SubhanAllah, the Qura’n even warns us of taking certain people as friends:

On the Day of Judgment, some people will be saying: (O! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as an intimate friend!) Surat Al Furqan.

I love how you said to ‘look outside’. (Uni, try this!!) You know, me, athoofsy. (For those who don’t know, we met on a forum like 5 years ago and have met in real life, alhamdillah..I wuv her!!)…I also looked to Islamic forums and found a lot of support there. I also learned a LOT of things. Yes, I did waste some of my time, but I believe wasting my time there was a lot better than wasting my time in other things.

Not only that, but I want to tell my sisters this—if you aren’t the best Muslim that you can be, what you can try doing is LOVING someone (hey, we’re talking halal honest sisterly love) who you think (inshaAllah) is a really good Muslimah. Love someone for the sake of Allah….the reward is unbelievable. Remember what the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhaee wa salam said? He said that we will be in paradise with who we LOVE!

Also, there's the hadith of Mu'adh who said that the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said:

"Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala) said: 'Those who love one another for My glory, will have minbars of light, and the Prophets and martyrs will wish that they had the same." [Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is a hasan sahih hadith]

In another hadith "we are told that Almighty Rabb will greet those who love each other for His sake on the Day of Resurrection and say to them: "Where are those who loved one another for My glory? Today I will shade them in My shade on the Day when there is no shade but Mine." (Muslim)

Alhamdillah, I was able to meet and discover many sisters online that I truly love simply for His sake. In real life, I mess up, a LOT, but I hope that this love for these sisters will help me be in a better place, inshaAllah. Try it, y’all. It won’t hurt, inshaAllah. (OH and please try to stick to segregated forums.)

Jazaki Allah also for posting the wonderful hadith about strangers and all the links. We are the strangers :D

Uni, you don’t sound like a hypocrite to me! I think each and every one of us has something we need to work on…. Wearing hijab doesn’t mean that you are perfect. Not at all! If that was the case, none of us would wear hijab! Wearing hijab means that you believe in Allah and you are trying to submit to this particular commandment. We are all a work IN progress!

As for being lonely (besides trying online forums), have you tried going to the Masjid? Are there any conventions held in your area? How about ‘planning an event’ at your masjid? Show up on Fridays, say salaams, and then put up a sign that you’re going to have a girlie halaqah. You can just buy some c.d.s (like Muhammed Al Shareef’s)or you can research a topic and present the halaqah yourself. I bet you there are sisters there who are just as lonesome as you and wishing for better company. You just need someone to take charge!


I also wanted to show you this hadith:

Narrated Buraydah ibn al-Hasib:

I met Abu Bakr. He said: Who are you? He (Hanzalah) said: Hanzalah has turned out to be a hypocrite. He (Abu Bakr) said: Hallowed be Allah, what are you saying? Thereupon he said: I say that when we are in the company of Allah's Messenger we ponder over Hell-Fire and Paradise as if we are seeing them before our very eyes. When we are away from Allah's Apostle we attend to our wives, our children, our business; most of these things (pertaining to the after life) slip out of our minds. Abu Bakr said: By Allah, I also experience the same. So Abu Bakr and I went to Allah's Apostle and said to him: Allah's Apostle , Hanzalah has turned to be a hypocrite. Thereupon Allah's Apostle said: What has happened to you? I said: Allah's Apostle, when we are in your company, we are reminded of Hell-Fire and Paradise as if we are seeing them with our own eyes, but whenever we go away from you and attend to our wives, children and business, many of these things go out of our minds. Thereupon Allah's Apostle said: By Him in Whose Hand is my life, if your state of mind remains the same as it is in my presence and you are always busy in remembrance (of Allah), the angels will shake hands with you in your beds and on your paths. However, Hanzalah, time should be devoted (to the worldly affairs) and time (should be devoted to prayer and meditation). He (the holy Prophet) said this thrice.

Random, your comment was so beautiful. Reach out to Allah. No matter what. No matter what you did/ who you were….reach out even if you sometimes feel like your imaan has gone totally down and you will find that He will answer you. What you wrote reminded me of this verse in the Qur’an:

And [He also forgave] the three who were left behind [and regretted their error] to the point that the earth closed in on them in spite of its vastness and their souls confined them and they were certain that there is no refuge from Allah except in Him. Then He turned to them so they could repent. Indeed, Allah is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.

We run away from Allah’s wrath by running to HIM. We run to His Mercy. He is our Refuge. For those who have not read or heard before the ‘story’ behind these ayaat, try to read them. It’s the story of Ka’ab bin Malik….(somebody post a good lecture/article on it, hehe)

Let me share this with you guys, as well.

One of the companions during the Prophet's time was an alcoholic. Abd Allah, in fact, would often become so drunk that he had to be brought staggering through the streets before the Prophet (peace be upon him) to be sentenced for public drunkenness, and each time, the Prophet would rule to have the prescribed punishment carried out. This was a common occurrence.

After `Abd Allah had departed from one of these all too frequent sentencings, one of the Companion's declared about `Abd Allah: "O Allah curse him! How often he is summoned for this!"

The Prophet (peace be upon him): rebuked that Companion, saying: "Do not curse him, for I swear by Allah, if you only knew just how very much indeed he loves Allah and His Messenger." [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (6282)] He then added: "Do not help Satan against your brother." 

Anonymous teen, what you said is sooooooooooo important. Stop caring about what others think. You know why? When it’s all said and done with, a part of you will feel unhappy/bad/rotten if you do something ‘wrong’ or don’t do something right (don’t pray/ don’t wear hijab) just to please others. That’s the way Allah created us. He created us with a desire to submit to Him. When you do something that isn’t really Islamically correct to please those around you, you will never be 100% happy. It’s like there’s this ‘pin bursting your little bubble’.

It’s only when you try to please Allah that you will taste real happiness. I remember when we were in 12th grade and the girls were all talking about going to Prom. (Muslim girls) It was hard, but I told them that I would not go. I sent an email to one girl who was even ‘planning’ the prom itself, explaining why I would not go. To my shock she wrote back and said “I truly respect you”. 

Now that was AWESOME. Why? Because I gained her respect by not compromising Allah’s orders. If I had compromised Allah’s orders she might have laughed with me/ we might have picked out our dresses/etc. but that ‘fun’ wouldn’t have lasted long and more importantly I would not have respected myself. I would have ‘sold Allah’s contract with me…His Love and Protection’ for the price of a something that really wasn’t worth it.

Actually your comment about being a happy loner and not caring what others think reminded me of this poem I wrote for a friend of mine who expressed that she did want to go to prom and hang out with the ‘those girls and just see what they do.” I thought I'd share this just in case somebody else here is struggling....

We were ‘ friends’,
But they never came along,
And they never said hi,
And they never listened,
And they never cared,
And we…well we could have cared less.


But it would have been nice,
Just to have been invited for once,
Just to have known everything that they do,
Just to have seen them do whatever it is that they do,
Just to have gotten dressed up,
And made fun of everything they do.


But you and me,
We were meant for something better,
We were meant for something special,
You and me,
We’re not just ordinary folk,
Our father was a prophet (Adam alyhee as salam),
And well…we’ve got a test from Allah,
That we need to ace.

So while they’re out partying,
And maybe having some fleeting fun,
And we’re home away from their music and dancing,
Know that we’re the special ones.

You and me,
We’re walking toward a garden of Delight,
We’re racing toward eternal bliss
And well…they,
they could care less.
You and me,
We don’t need them
We’ve got Allah on our side,
And to Him,
Do me and you Belong.

 As for my advice for teens- write about religion. Blog about it. keep a diary. Don't think of Islam as something you 'inherited'. Live it :) Also , like athoofa said, watch videos and lectures.

As for the question on how to give nasiha, I'd say "Give it, but ask yourself how would you like to be 'told' about your sins and how to correct them"? Allah told Prophet Moosa to be gentle with Firawan! I'm sure none of our friends are as bad as Firawan, right? So be gentle. At the same time, just do it. I know I need to work on it, myself. Online it's easier than offline :P 

Okay, y'all, keep your ideas coming in.....

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1.0.1.

Asalamu aliakuam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo, my darlings!

How are you all? We hope you have had a super duper wonderful (and delicious Eid). Things have been a little quiet here lately (well duh, with our internet still a bit cukooO), but we thought we'd turn over the blog to our readers....

Tell us! TEENS!

 What advice do you have for other Muslimah teens? How can they  stick to the deen? (HEY, that rhymes...well sorta!)

What quote really inspires you to be a better Muslim?

How did you decide to wear hijab?

Are you close with your parents? Your family?

Have you shared any stories/ experiences on your blog that you think others should read? Now's your chance to link it in the comments here :) Yuppers, shamelessly advertise your own blog. ( Seriously, people, I wanna read your blogs too and get to know you better :D)

What else? Well...What's keeping you from being a better Muslim? What is it that you're struggling with? Write it as anonymous and we can all work on it together.

This is the 1.0.1. Guide to being a Muslimah Teen written by YOU for YOU. 

Let's do this=)

Lots of love,
all the little aunties

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To marry....or not to marry...?

as salam dear little aunty :)

I found your blog and saw you gave advice on marriage issues so i thought i would send in my question. I’m only 21 and not planning to get married, but in the past few months, there have been three good guys hinting to my family that they want to propose. Now these good guys 'disturbed' my feelings and i can't barely sleep very well --> due to over-thinking. my state of heart is in a confused situation. i know i shouldn't think about them that much since i am not planning to get married so soon but at the same time, i just can't help it. the thing is my mother really likes one of the guys and she says i should consider him. But i never thought I would be married so soon.
Oh, i’m just so lost and confused……

what should i do, little aunty?

A Confused Lady

Dear a Confused Lady,

I so know what you’re going through. I had something similar happen- a great guy came and asked for my hand in marriage. The thing was I was completely anti-marriage at that point and I really thought I was too young- I was 19 years old. I had also only finished one year of university. Anyways, in that one meeting where my parents were there, I felt he was a good guy. And my dad loved him- he was that kind of guy…he had a good education, a good job prospect, was religious, etc. but I just couldn’t imagine myself getting married so young. So guess what smart thing I did? Yeah….I said no.  Now, a couple of suitors later and fast forward a few years and I often find myself thinking I was an idiot!

So why am I sharing with you this story?


Well, it’s simple, really. Many of us imagine that once we graduate from university, get a job, have worked a bit, then and only then, the right guy is going to magically appear. Like our knight in shining armor is just waiting for us to decide when we want to get married to come along and ask for our hand in marriage. We’ve got it all worked out in our minds- just like a Hollywood scripted movie- but the reality is much more different.


Mr. Right doesn’t always show up ‘at the right time’…. or what I should say is, ‘the time that we think is right’.

More often than not, he shows up exactly when you were not planning on meeting him. And while in a movie it might seem pretty dang hilarious or ‘oh so sweet’ when Mr. Prince Charming shows up at the ‘wrong time’, it’s really not ‘funny’ in real life. It’s confusing. Suddenly, everything is upside down downside up! And everybody is waiting for you to make probably one of (if not ‘the’) biggest decision of your life and you just don’t know what to choose (especially if you’re like me and deciding what pair of shoes to buy is a major decision for you :P).

So yeah, I can understand your confusion and I can understand your ‘fear’, even. But let me tell you that I happen to know more than 3 girls who got married when they were 20 or less (19 & 18) and each of them wasn’t expecting it- each was still in university- but it worked out for them, Ma’sahAllah!

On the other hand, I also know one sister whose father, thinking that he had her best interest in mind, refused to let her meet any of the suitors who asked for her hand in marriage while she was still in university. Today, she is almost 30 years old and still not married. The unfortunate part though is that she confessed to me that she sometimes wishes she could have at least met those suitors…

Now, I’m not saying you should just throw yourself at any guy who comes or you won’t get married! Not at all! What I just mean is seriously CONSIDER these potential suitors. If you do find that one of these suitors really does appeal to you religiously, rationally, emotionally, and physically, then don’t let your age stand in the way. Our age is just a number- it doesn’t reflect (or it doesn’t’ always reflect one’s maturity or wisdom level, at all.)

Instead, what I think you should do is ask yourself this question:

If this man were to come five* (or how ever many years you want) later, what would I say? And then you need to ask yourself: Well, what if he doesn’t? What if he doesn’t come back? What if it’s now or never?

You also need to make lots of dua, and pray istikhara. When you pray istikharah you agree to let Allah decide what is best for you….and of course He always chooses what is best for you at this moment, for your future and your afterlife! (When you say the dua, Allah Subhanoo wa’ Tala will either make things easier for you, showing you that yes, this guy is good for you, or make it ‘really hard’, proving to you that this person isn’t really good for you.)


Of course, I do know that it can be really nerve wracking and very frightening to suddenly think of yourself with a new role (that of a wife) but just because something is a little hard to think about, doesn’t mean you should just completely turn away from it without thinking.

Yes, with marriage comes great responsibility (so I can understand your concern about needing to be 'mature and all'), but don't forget the other beautiful aspect to marriage. Love within the realms of marriage is beautiful, especially when both partners are well informed of Islam. When you read about what the Prophet (sallah Allah alayhee wa salam) used to do with his wives (May Allah be pleased with them)- like the way he used to always turn the cup to drink from the exact place Aisha drank from/ the way he raced her/ how he used to help around the house, or the way he joked with his wives- it makes you realize that marriage can be wonderful (spoken like a true 'single' girl, right :P Hahah!).



However, if you’re convinced that you’re not ready for marriage and you’re really sure you need more time to grow religiously/ emotionally/etc., then be honest with these suitors. We don’t date in Islam so having a relationship is not acceptable. If these suitors are really that great what you can do instead is tell them that you need time. Are they willing to wait a bit?


Well, hope my answer could help you a bit. InshaAllah, I will be keeping you in my adeya. inshaAllah things will be easier for you and you will be able to sleep. Feel free to write again and tell us any updates or anything.

Your sis and aunty,

P.S. sisters, if you've been through something similar/ whatever, please do share.

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Those little...backbiters

Assalamu Alaykum. I have learned that listening to backbiting is haram and one should not listen to it, but sometimes I find it hard to stop a person from backbiting another person, I'm afraid that I might offend him/her or something, especially if we're not really friends or he/she is older than me so I need to be extra respectful. So sometimes, all I do is just leave the room or act like I have to go, but sometimes I just cant leave. Please advise me on what to do. Thanks

Sister

Dear Sister,

Wa’alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo ! Well, I gotta admit it. This is a super tough question. I mean, how many of us have been in that situation where we sat down with some seemingly innocent friends/even sweet grey haired ladies for a cup of tea only to find out that their particular cup of tea includes a little extra ‘spices’- someone’s dead flesh…….

Yeah. Backbiters…

They’re hard to deal with (but we have to admit that we’ve also sometimes messed up ourselves and “backbit”). Anyways, it’s great that you sometimes leave the room, but I know that isn’t always possible.

What I would suggest doing is simply saying:

“You know, auntie/uncle, sir, *respectful term*, the thing is, I’ve personally made a lot of mistakes myself that I really hope people don’t know about. Wouldn’t it be a lot better if we concealed this person’s mistake so that inshaAllah on the Day of Judgment Allah will conceal all of ours? Maybe instead we can just talk to him/her and give them naseeha, inshaAllah, or make dua that Allah will guide them?”

See, the great thing about following this method is that not only would you have avoided listening to haram, you would have also done your Islamic duty (which is advise them against backbiting).

However, I’ll be the first to admit though that method doesn’t always work. Sometimes, the person insists that they are not backbiting or that they have to tell you this…blah blah blah…

If that happens, we switch tactics depending on the scenario:

Scenario 1:

• Backbiter: an older relative of mine
• Victim: another relative
• What’s being said: that the other relative did something completely rude/unbelievable

My stance: I simply sorta crinkle up my eye brows, look a little confused and say in a respectful but disagreeing voice: “I really don’t know that about him/her. In fact, this person has always been …… If that did happen, I’m sure there’s a reason and maybe we can ask him/her about it.”

It might be a little hard to try this method, but if you defend the ‘victim’, inshaAllah you will have the greatest defense ready for YOU on the Day of Judgment! The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:

“Whoever defends his Muslim brother’s honor, Allah will defend his honor on the Day of Resurrection.”

Scenario 2:
You’re meeting someone you either

• a) Know has a history of backbiting
• b) Don’t really know and may turn out to be a backbiter

You decide on the conversations and what you’re going to talk about in advance! Be armed with an Islamic magazine/ interesting stories/things that will keep the conversation interesting but won’t lead to backbiting.

As soon as you sense that the Backbiter is about to begin- you know when they’re about to start- you just switch the conversation:

“HEY, did I tell you about this hilarious thing that happened…” or “Do you have any advice on how to deal with headaches/stomach pain/etc. whatever,” :P


Of course, there could still be countless of other scenarios. The important thing to do, though, in each case is to keep in mind that even as a listener, you have an active role in the conversation. You give the message to the person whether to continue or not….If you let your face show you discomfort and your unwillingness to ‘engage’ in the conversation, the person will sense a ‘red light’...

And you know what I’ve discovered is that if you consistently give people – EVERYONE around you- the message that you don’t want to talk about others or hear others being talked about, the word will soon spread about you- you’ll find people automatically guarding the way they talk around you, inshaAllah.

Well, I know I couldn't think of any 'super idea', but I hope the readers can also chip in some more suggestions for you, inshaAllah =) May each and every one of us guard our tongues and listen to only that which pleases Allah. May we honor our sisters and brothers and treat them the way we want to be treated :D


- the little aunties

P.S. for those who want to know more about the seriousness of backiting, please see here

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Easily Distracted.......in salah

You guys seem to be girls with high iman ... so can you give me advice on how to increase the khushu' in my salat? Because I often feel like I get distracted by little things in my salat and I want to be able to make salat in a better fashion. Of course, I know I should make dua, but can you give me some other tips. Thanks!

-- Easily Distracted.

Dear Easily Distracted!

What a fantastic question. I mean how many of us start praying and end up remembering the homework assignment we’d totally forgotten about, discovering a new pattern in the carpet we’re praying on, and thinking about the comeback we should have told that rude person….? The truth is, many of us find ourselves thinking about something completely different than the prayer at hand (including the aunties here), so I’m really glad you brought up this topic….

Here are a few suggestions that I've heard from various daees and inshaAllah the readers will be able to provide us with their own personal tips! 

• First of all, don’t let the salah ‘interrupt’ your work. What do I mean by that? If you are doing some kind of assignment for example or studying for a test and you realize that asr adhaned (lol, a made up word), but you keep working and then finally, half an hour later, decide to stop and pray…it doesn’t take an auntie to figure out that you’re probably going to be thinking about that assignment/ upcoming test in the middle of your prayer. That’s why you should STOP whatever you are doing ten to fifteen minutes before the prayer time.

Seriously? Yup, seriously. The idea is that you have to CLEAR your mind BEFORE you start praying. Nouman Khan called it ‘flushing your mind’, lol and you really can’t do that if you are making the salah an interruption of your work…..

(Now, one way I have found that helps me to clear my mind is to open the Qur’an randomly and read a few pages. SubhanAllah, I can tell you that landing on a page that discusses Allah’s Mercy/ the reward we get/ can really help motivate you to pray WELL.)

• There’s also another benefit to praying early or right when the adhan calls- the closer you pray to the adhaan, the more likely the adhaan's 'come to prayer, come to success' will remain fresh in your mind and this may make you feel more devoted in staying focused. And also, it lets you NOT rush your prayer.

• What else? Well, many of us think that khushoo begins when we say Allahu Akbar. Actually, khushoo should begin when we say Bismillah. Do you know when we’re supposed to say that? When we begin our wudoo. That’s when we should start thinking about the fact that we’re about to meet our LORD, Allah.

The truth is our ‘wudoo’ itself is an act of worship. I want you to try and think about these hadith the next time you are doing wudoo:

Abu Hurairah (radhiAllaahu'anhu) reports that Rasoolullah ( Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon him) said When the Muslim (or 'Believing') servant makes wudu and washes his face, then the sin of everything he looked at with his eye comes away with the water, or with the last drop of the water, and when he washes his hands then the sin of everything he stretched out his hands to comes away with the water, or with the last drop of the water. And when he washes his feet every sin which his feet walked towards comes away with the water or with the last drop of the water - so that he leaves clean (clear/pure) from sins. [Reported by Muslim (1/148) and others].

Uthmaan (radhiAllaahu 'anhu) said: Rasoolullah (Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon him) said Whoever makes wudu and makes it well, his sins come out from his body, even coming out from under his nails. [Reported by Muslim (3/133) and others].

Can you imagine? When you are washing your face, whatever you ‘watched’ or ‘heard’ or ‘said’ that was wrong….all those sins are being washed away. Whatever you touched….those sins are completely being erased. That’s before you even start praying!! What about when you actually start? What happens?

Well I can tell you this….Allah subhanoo Wa’ Tala turns to you!

That’s right. When you turn to Him, He turns His Glorious Face to you...

Abu Dharr reported that the Prophet said: "Allah faces the slave while he is in the salah and keeps facing him as long as he does not turn.

But if you turn away from Him and you start thinking about something else, well, here’s the rest of the hadith:

If [the slave] turns, [Allah] turns away from him.”

Another hadith says that Allah calls out to the person who has turned away: To what is better than I? (which I basically think of meaning “Did you find something better than I??”

Did you? Did you find anything better than Him? Whenever you start to feel your attention slipping away, ask yourself that, before Allah asks you!

• It’s also extremely important that when you start your prayer and say the istiadha or “I seek refuge in Allah from the Shaytan” that you mean it! If you feel in your heart that Allah is your Refuge and that He is protecting you from Shaytan’s whispers, you’re bound to concentrate more.

• The next essential thing to concentrate on is reciting surat Al Fatiha.

• If Arabic is not your first language, it’s really important that you know EXACTLY what you're saying. So keep on looking over the translation and think that every WORD is worship. As you utter Surah Fatiha, think about the words in your mind. And what they mean to you. Do you want to be guided along the straight path? I bet you do - so when you pray 'sirratilmustakeem' - feel that you are really PLEADING to you Lord that you WANT to be along this path, and devoted to your Lord.

• Remember, each time you recite a verse, Allah Subhanoo Wa’ Tala answers you!

• Hmmm, what else? Well, A lot of us fall into the trap of reciting the same surahs over and over again….more specifically, Qul huwa Allahoo ahad (or surat Al Ikhals). The problem with that is that it sometimes ‘becomes automatic’ or ‘routine’. We’re no longer even thinking about what we’re saying, right. That’s why, it’s really important that you VARY what you recite.

• Actually, this may come as a surprise to you but that also goes for what you say in your rukoo and sujood and even opening dua! That’s right. Islam didn’t say that you HAVE to say the same thing, day in and day out….The Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam used to say several different things…

For example in the rukoo:

Subhaanaka Allaahumma Rabbanaa wa bihamdika Allaahum-maghfir lee.

Glory is to You , O Allah , our Lord , and praise is Yours . O Allah , forgive me.

Allaahumma laka raka'tu, wa bika 'aamantu, wa laka 'aslamtu khasha'a laka sam'ee, wa basaree, wa mukhkhee, wa 'adhmee, wa 'asabee, wa mastaqalla bihi qadamee.

O Allah , to You I bow (in prayer) and in You I believe and to You I have submitted. Before You my hearing is humbled , as is my sight , my mind , my bones , my nerves and what my feet have mounted upon (for travel).

And many others! You can see the different things that you can say here: 

• It’s also really important you ‘give yourself time’. Pray slowly. If you don't pray slowly, then do... this way you can think about what you're saying. And, inshaAllah, stay focused on your prayer.


Some other tips….

• Try to actually have ONE ROOM in your house where you pray. I mean think about it. If you’re in the t.v. room and the t.v. is on, you’re probably not really going to be thinking about the salah. The same thing goes if you have your laptop open/ books on your bed….Chances are, you might find yourself peeking over there during your salah, rather than concentrating on what you’re actually doing. BUT, if you have one room where you always pray, inshaAllah, with time, you will be able to program yourself that this is the ‘salah room’. It will be your GETAWAY. That’s the room where you get away from this dunya and meet with your Lord. (A lot better than a secret garden, don’t you think?)

• Get rid of needless distractions. Check the temperature of the room beforehand. You really don’t want to be saying “Malik yawmid deen’ and actually thinking “Dang, it is so hot in here….wish I could turn on the .a.c.” Switch your mobile onto the SILENT mode. If you suffer from ‘fixthisscarf a million times during salah syndrome’, try to get a safety pin and pin it properly before salah time. Again, these are small tips, but I know that they can be major distractions.

• You might also want to consider having special prayer clothes. This is also to help get you in the mood of salah.

• Avoid having a really colorful carpet.

• Tell your family beforehand that you are going to pray. It would be great of course if you prayed WITH them, but let’s say you follow the thinking that women should not be imams for each other……tell your mom, “Okay, mom, I’m going to go pray now. If you need anything, I should be done in 15 minutes or so” (or however long it takes you but do remember to pray slowly, hehe). This way you won’t have the whole family searching for you/calling your name/ sorta thing that happens…

• -Qur'an. Alhamdulillah, develop a beautiful relationship with the Quran and read with meaning, understanding, contemplation, sincerity and above all - devotion., Every word, every LETTER is sacred and from ALLAH. SubhanAllah - Allah will guide you , inshaAllah.

• Oh and if you’re a person who hangs out on the computer a lot, let me tell you about this awesome computer program that fellow blogger Rukhpar Mor talked about. This program counts down the prayer times for YOU…..It’s like whenever you’re on the computer, you’ll see how many more minutes/hours left till the next prayer time and it says the Adhan and all….Coolio, or what?!

Besides all this, I encourage you to read this really short but fantastic book called “Taste it!” which I put up before as well as this other answer in our blog to a question on salah:

Finally, I know it’s morbid, but reflect on the fact that at the end of the day, you are going to have ONE LAST prayer. Every person dies after a prayer….this prayer could be your last.

So make it count!

May Allah make us among these people:

Certainly will the believers have succeeded: (1) They who are during their prayer humbly submissive (2)… And they who carefully maintain their prayers - (9) Those are the inheritors (10)Who will inherit al-Firdaus. They will abide therein eternally. (11) (Surat Al Mu’minoon)

These are just a few little suggestions....I pray you will be rewarded and always smiling inshaAllah! (:

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What if I Take it Off?!

assalamualaikum

Maybe i should ask this question to myself first before sharing it with you and yes I did but I still haven't have any answer to it,anyway I have this nawaitu in me saying that I wanna wear hijab but there's always this little thought in me saying what if one day I stop wearing it again just to look more prettier,to showoff my hair and all. what if it wont last long to wear this hijab? so tell me my dear little auntie..guide me with this..I wanna wear it but I'm scared it won't last long.

What if I take it off?!

Dear WHAT if I Take it oFf?

First of all, hun, I love how you said that you maybe should ask yourself this question first. Sometimes, it’s really hard to ask ourselves these questions because deep down inside we know the answers, don’t we? But you know what? The fact that you realize that the answer at the end will really come from you…well that’s a really good sign, Ma’sahallah.

And of course the fact that you WANT to wear hijab…..that’s fantastic!

Of course, I can understand that you hear that tiny little voice. I remember that voice. And even though it’s really tiny, it’s kinda loud, isn’t it? “What if? What if I take it off? What if I look ugly in it? What if…” Yeah, Little Ms. Annoying Pants (that voice) is pretty loud!

But you know what? You have to realize that “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.

You know what that means? It means we have nothing to be scared of but being scared of something. You know why? Because 'fear' prevents us from doing anything, from progressing, from moving from one place to another.


Fear paralyzes us.

We will never know the future- if we fear what we’re going to do ‘next’, we’re never going to do anything! Think about it. Do you ever say, “I’m not going to pray maghrib because I may not feel like praying next month” Or: I’m not going to fast Ramadan because maybe a few years from now I’m going to get thirsty and break my fast?

I highly doubt it!

Here’s another example. Let's say I were to tell you, in order for you to get to grade 12, you have to finish grades 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11, and only then can you start grade 12. Would you tell me, but I'm scared I'll start going to school and then in grade 5 or 8, I'll wanna drop out, so I'm not going to go to school?

Would that really make sense? No! I bet you would tell me, "But if I don't go to school, I won't have a successful life". Even if you were to ever feel like dropping out because of all the tests, homework, annoying people at school and drama, you wouldn't, right? Because you understand the importance of your education with the rest of your life.

What about the importance of obeying Allah's commands with your life? In the after life? (Please don’t think I am saying that the hijab is the only thing that we Muslims do, though.)

You have to realize that this fear that you have is most likely coming from Shaytan. He’s preying on your tiny little worries. You know why? Cause Shaitan doesn't want you to listen to Allah, just like he didn't. He doesn't want you to do what Allah has commanded, but he knows that you wouldn't listen to him if he were to tell you straight out "Don't wear hijab", so instead, he uses a different tactic. He whispers to you, "No, no if you wear it, you're gonna take it off. You're gonna be ugly. You're gonna..."

So you know what you have to do? You don't listen to him. You ask Allah to help you, guide you and protect you from his whispers. You ask Allah to keep you steadfast when you wear it. Every time you pray and you say in surat Al Fatiha, "Guide us to the straight path" (Ihdinasirat al mustaqeem), mean it! And when you say Ameen, be sincere. Allah will never ever let you down if you are sincere and truly want His guidance.

What's more, you have to 'redirect' this fear that you have. The thing that I told you in the beginning- that we have nothing to fear- isn't exactly right. We should have fear, but it should be fear of....ALLAH.'That should be the fear that directs your life, not the fear of whether or not something will happen in the future. Yes, Allah is the Most Merciful, but if reflecting on His Mercy doesn’t move you to be a better servant, then reflect on His Power and His ability to completely replace us all with servants who better worship Him, who place Him above their selves. Truly reflect on where He is right now in your life….What place does He hold?

And ask yourself- who created you pretty? Did you create yourself? Wasn't it Allah who created you beautiful? Doesn't He have the right then to decide who you show your beauty to?

More importantly, does wearing a scarf take away your beauty?

How could following what Allah has ordered you to do detract from your beauty? It doesn't actually change your beauty; it just guards it. Think about it this way- does the shell make the pearl ugly? Does it take away the pearl’s beauty? Or does it make it even more valuable?

The hijab is just like that shell. It doesn't erase your beauty. You’re still who you are- still beautiful- still a treasure! You are still the same gorgeous person that you are!

You’re just -hopefully- more conscious of Allah’s presence in your life. The truth is the hijab helps keep you in check. You said yourself that you might want to show off your hair. Showing off is a big thing in Islam, right? Wearing the hijab reminds you that you did not create yourself. You are not your own Lord. It reminds you of "Allahu Akbar". God is Greater.

So now what to do? I want you to really really go and buy some hijabs! Start taking some actions towards it and see how you feel. Tell your friends you want to wear it and throw a hijab party. For one thing, that will also make you think twice about 'taking it off', because you would have told everyone about it, lol.

I’ve also personally found that writing it down can also help. Write down 'I will wear Hijab'. Write it down a few times. Look at those words and believe in those words. Because I believe in you, and you should believe in yourself too. If you've already felt that you want to start observing Hijab then you've conquered the greatest mountain already. Now you're just near the top. And you know you can take the last step but the fear of falling is worrying you. But you've got so far, sis. I'm sure you can find the courage to take that last step. Don't be scared of what the future may hold, because to be honest, anything can happen, and we don't know. You just have to hold on to the fact that Allah is always, always, always with you.

The really important thing though is to not worry about what might or might not happen tomorrow and take everyday as it comes. It might be harder some days than others but this struggle is just making you stronger. And that Allah is simply testing you hun.

Be patient and don't stop trying to fight these fears...

"O, you who believe, Persevere in patience and constancy, vie in such perseverance; strengthen each other; and fear Allah; that you may prosper" 3:200

If you're patient and you persevere and try really hard to remain patient, if you keep your trust in The Most High but at the same time fear The Most High and Him alone, then will you prosper huni. And when Allah says you'll prosper it will be the best prosperity.

Remember that Allah is closer to you than your jugular vein, the veins in your neck, that close! With Allah always with you, you gotta take that last step.

Just say “Bismillah”- in the Name of Allah… the same way Prophet Nuh alyhee as salam said:

And [Noah] said, "Embark therein; in the name of Allah is its course and its anchorage. Indeed, my Lord is Forgiving and Merciful." (11: 41)

Well, sis, I believe you can do this! I promise you that it will become a part of you, if you give it a chance!

Let me know if you need any more convincing, hehe, and in the mean time, please please join www.igotitcovered.org

You'll find lots of inspiration there, inshaAllah.

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