Tired of Being the Odd One Out

"I live in area we live in-there's basically no other muslims around. I'm the only Muslimah in my grade of around five hundred kids, and one out of five in the entire school. I don't want to judge, but the other ones don't really seen to be practicing. I have a good amount of friends, but that was only through several years of forcing myself to talk, because I used to be really shy. Anyways, whenever I'm with them, I just end up feeling horrible afterwards. I hate their constant swearing and super vulgar language, topped with the fact that they are boy crazy and find it odd that I'm not. I really fed up with it, because it's preventing me from becoming a better Muslimah- if anything it's slowing chipping away at my faith. On top of all this, I have gym class starting next week, which means thigh exposing shorts and super short, v-necked tshirts. I really, really don't want to be the odd one out anymore, wearing baggy pants and a long sleeved shirt in ninety degree weather, having to deal with comments like "oh aren't you hot in that?" Or "is your religion the one which forces women to cover up like that?" I get that one a lot, about a variety of things. It's tiring being the odd one out. I just want some help..."

Sister, I hope you are in the best of health and Eman.:)

This is a great question you have brought up. As humans, we are social beings. It’s healthy to want to have friends.

HAVING said that, it can be challenging to go to a school where you’re one of the few Muslims. I had a similar situation growing up where my sister and I were the only Muslim/Hijabis in elementary and among very few Muslim/Hijabis in junior high and high school. I was shy in school, too. I remember at times feeling awkward and out-of-place. Feeling like there was something wrong with me. WHy couldn’t I relate to others? I thought it was because I was shy and I thought I was the only one... Now, however, I realize that my older sister went through similar things. And it definitely helped a lot to talk to her and feel like I was o.k. :) So it definitely helps to talk to someone else going through similar things. Maybe you might find there’s another sister who also feels uncomfortable just like you in the group. Often times, we become so focused on how we feel that we assume it’s unique to us. However, we may not realize that there are other people going through similar feelings and experiences.

Let me tell some of the other things that helped me through school.

REMINDING yourself that (High) School is temporary. High school is only four years. And if that still doesn't make you feel better, how about reminding yourself that high school is not your whole day! It helps to put it into perspective. Don't let Shaitan make you feel like high school is forever. It is definitely NOT a permanent or absolute situation. Which brings me to another important tip.

SEEKING other environments where you would find better friends, i.e. masjid, religious gatherings, volunteering, etc. Try to find different avenues to make better friends. Yes, school may be for 6-7 hours 5 days a week, but you still have the rest of the day. It made a huge difference for me going to weekend islamic school. I got a chance to hang out with other Muslim girls and it was fun. Whereas in High school I would feel weird at times, on Sundays I felt more comfortable with myself, and I realized that I could still be social and feel right. So even if you’re unable to find good friends at school, it really helps to seek other avenues. You don’t have to limit yourself to your school only.

MAKING yourself busy at school with extracurricular activities. I don’t know about you but I enjoyed taking challenging classes in High school like AP courses. It just made high school more interesting, alhamdulilah. This worked for me but you could find other ways to busy yourself, maybe joining a club at school. These would still give you that social aspect and a better environment. ?You would be talking about meaningful things and ideas (hopefully). You would also get to meet other girls with similar values. They don’t have to be Muslim. Yes, they don't have to be your close friends with whom you spend all your time with, but finding girls who also don’t like swearing, vulgar language, and aren’t constantly talking about boys would still benefit you. Plus you could still discuss religion with them. That way, you would be doing dawah as well.

Ok, so you brought up how you feel horrible and don’t feel right hanging out with your current friends. It’s a blessing that you feel this discomfort and realize they may not be right for you. It’s a blessing from AllahSWT. I can see you already realize that they are affecting your deen negatively. I’m glad that you feel that way and aren’t instead justifying hanging out with them by making excuses like they won’t change you or you don’t have a choice, etc, mashaallah. Because the reality is, who we hang out with really does affect us, whether we choose to be aware or not.

the Prophet ﷺ said: “A person is on the religion of his companions. Therefore let every one of you carefully consider the company he keeps.” [Tirmidhi]

Also in this hadith:

The Prophet ﷺ reminds us of the importance of good company in this hadith (record of the Prophet ﷺ): “A good friend and a bad friend are like a perfume-seller and a blacksmith: The perfume-seller might give you some perfume as a gift, or you might buy some from him, or at least you might smell its fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might singe your clothes, and at the very least you will breathe in the fumes of the furnace.” [Bukhari, Muslim]

So both of these are reminders of how important making good friends is.


So then, what should we be look for in a true friend?

The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) was reportedly asked: “Which of our companions are best?” He replied: “One whose appearance reminds you of God, and whose speech increases you in knowledge, and whose actions remind you of the hereafter.

If we find someone with these three qualities, then we are truly blessed. So look for these three qualities in a friend. Again, it's ok if you can't find that kind of person in school. There are other places...

OK, so now let’s tackle your worry about gym class. Sister, let me ask you a question? Would you feel comfortable wearing thigh exposing shorts and super short, v-necked tshirts? Or would you feel horrible afterwards? I know it can seem like it would be easier to just wear that so you’re not the odd one out anymore. But would that really solve your problem? Is it really as simple as looking the same on the outside? I mean, aren’t there other things that differentiate you from others, as well?

AND is it such a bad thing to be different?

 I mean, if you get to be who you want to be, isn't that better? I know it's easier said than done, but truly we are happier that way. Plus, it's IMPOSSIBLE to please everybody. You'll just compromise your beliefs and values and still you will have people not accept you. Imagine how horrible that would feel. In contrast, if you are yourself, then yes you will have people who might not like you for choosing to think differently, act differently, and be different. BUT you will also be surrounded by people who actually like you for who you are. And confidence goes a long way. Trust me, everybody has that pressure of conforming to what's considered "normal". But, the right people will respect you for sticking to your own ideals .

A secret about wearing clothes, as I said confidence goes a long way. Have you ever noticed someone who was wearing something way outrageous but they looked comfortable in it? How about someone who was wearing something that may look "normal" but they didn’t look comfortable in it. Who do you notice more? My answer would be the latter one. Yeah, maybe the outrageous outfit would catch my eye first. But after a while I wouldn’t be so shocked anymore. I would associate their outfit with who they are. It wouldn’t mean I would be agreeing with their outfit choice, just accepting that that’s part of them. On the other hand, we can often sense someone who's not uncomfortable in what they are wearing. And despite how mainstream their attire is, it wouldn’t really help their case because they would still look “odd in it.”.

Also, you are more than what you wear. So just by wearing what everyone else is wearing is not really going to be enough to feel like a part of the group or to be “accepted by them”.

Ok, so I know you’ll still get comments like  “Aren’t you oppressed for covering up” etc. So how to combat those comments that make you feel odd or annoyed?

WELL sister, you could use them as dawah opportunities. Meaning explaining to them why we really wear it. That it’s important to you and just because it may be a struggle doesn’t mean you’ll forsake it. Try to explain it to them with an analogy that they may understand. For example, someone who's vegan doesn't stop being vegan just because it's difficult at times to find good vegan-friendly food. They're vegan not because it's easy but because they have bigger reasons for their choice (e.g. animal cruelty). Btw, I hope you don't think I'm trying to convince you to become vegan. :) Alhamdulilah we can have halaal meat.

OK, so how about the "Aren't you hot in that?" comments, you ask? Yes, those can become tiring after a while. It may help to have a short response ready for those comments beforehand. Or you could go the humor route... 

Hehe. :) Just something to make you smile. I saw this a while back and it made me laugh.

Lastly, make DUA to Allah Subhanaho wa ta’aala. Even though AllahSWT knows how you feel, share with him your fears and your struggles in school. Inshallah this can be an oopportunity for good deeds and personal growth. :)


Ok, that’s all of my advice. Here's also a previous response for more advice on the matter with friends. And this is a bit of advice on being 'different', too:

P.S. Sister, I have to thank you for sending this question in. I feel it came at a right time for me. As I was trying to frame my answer, I had a chance to reflect on friendship and Islam. Finding good company has also been a struggle for me as well as many other sisters. So you're not alone.

Take care!

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Dare to Dream?

i belong to a middle class family and an average student my brother tops ( mashAllah )  he  was 3rd this time in school and i was just 69 % ( 1 % to b an A Grader  =P ) , i  want to make my parents dream come true , a Dream every parent wish , i live with my Grand parents dey r my inspiration , i  want to be a Huge Computer Engineer , i want to serve humanity , i want to see my Grand father Proud , he did aloot for me it makes  me cry wen he says wht he did fr us fr livelihood . but life is hard i just cant get on Track and Study Study Study , i alwys take our time for NEt , i  what makes u to work on d track u aim for ?   and i knw d other reason is , i m not so practising islam ... n i knw Dua has power undeniable  but as of those i heard famous people dey never knew dey will be successful ,like an i mean i want to be , its  hard. and in skool u need 80 % to get scholarship so ur fee will be free for an year , dey called scholarship-ed girls parents n dey were so Proud . i want to see my mom dis way . i want to feel good dat way . i love my parents , for whatever dey did i cant pay  back but still she says work hard. and study and i kinda dont stick to dis any tips to stick to ur Aim n Prove to Fulfill the dream
- Dared to Dream High&nbsp

Dear Dare to Dream High,

Sister, I know it can be hard when the dream is so high up and it's a strenuous uphill climb to get there. You can lose your focus and aim half way and it can feel awful - especially when you so desperately want to make your family happy. The thing with these sorts of dreams though are that they'll only be worthwhile if they're for the sake of One.
Not your parents. Nor your grandparents.
Not even yourself.
Though they all are motivators...

But the main reason why you should do anything at all is for Allah. 
For His sake.

When you write down firmly in your mind that you're doing this for ALLAH, then everything you do has a greater reason behind it, inshaAllah. It becomes an intention to serve Him.

Apart from our Main and First Purpose of being here - to worship and know Allah subhana wa ta ala.
We also have our own individual purposes. We're not here as mistakes. Everything around us and within us happens for a reason. Think about the processes and all the things which whiz around in our bodies... it all happens in a perfect order. It's beautiful, alhamdulillah.

One thing about growing up is that you find out your strength - what Allah has gifted you - to use. Use for His sake.

So it you've been gifted with intelligence, or a good memory, or perseverance, or empathy, or whatever - you've got to find out how you can use it for His sake.

Also, Allah, the Most Merciful also blessed you with a mind and body, right, so don't overwork yourself! It's so easy to do that and think you're being 'lazy' if you're not working every minute of the day! But quite honestly, you need a break! Slot in a designated time for sport or relaxing or writing or anything you do to unwind or chill out! Work Hard but Play Hard too!

Abu Productive from ProductiveMuslim sent this out:

When Ibrahim (Peace be upon him) completed the structure of the Ka’bah, Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala) commanded him to call the people to Hajj. Ibrahim (Peace be upon him) got confused he said, “O Allah! How shall my voice reach all of those people?” Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) told him that his duty was only to give the call and it was up to Allah to make it reach the people.
Here we have a beautiful productivity lesson; don’t worry about the results/outcome of your effort, rather worry about making the effort and ensuring you do the task to the best of your ability. If Ibrahim (Peace be upon him) saw that the expected outcome of his task is impossible, he would have given up and there would have been no Hajj. But, he relied upon Allah & did his best, he climbed Mount Arafat and called out in his loudest voice, “O People! Verily Allah has prescribed upon you Hajj, so perform Hajj.”
Every human being on earth at that time heard that call and Hajj began since that day. Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) revealed in the Qur’an: “And proclaim the Hajj among mankind. They will come to thee on foot and (mounted) on every camel, lean on account of journeys through deep and distant mountain highways” (Surat Al-Hajj, Ayat 28).

We should never stop ourselves from making the necessary effort to achieve something just because we think the results are impossible to achieve.
Do your part and leave the rest upon Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala).

I think that sums if up pretty well, honey.

Look, achieving your goals is always an uphill mission. But with faith, anything is possible. Ask Allah for anything and everything and only ask Him. He has a plan for you dear sister and you've got to trust that. Try your best and Trust Him.

and that 'little extra' is simply faith.

But it's not how high your build your dreams that makes the difference, but how high your faith can climb. 

Don't fret, honey! You can do this if you allow yourself to believe you can. So Smile <3 (:

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Public High School.

Asalamualaykum aunties,

I have recently moved to public school and i'll say it right out. I HATE IT! i mean, first the whole girl and boy thing, then, the teachers are JUST CRAZY! people bug me about my attire(hijab and jilbaab) and i am getting really fed up with it. i can't concentrate. i feel like crying all the time. i know i am complaining which is not a characteristic of a muslim but i am just soooooo ugh! i am soo mad at myself. i hate this school, i hate everybody. sometimes, i feel like throwing stuff at someone. every night i go to sleep crying and i wake up crying. i dread mornings sooo much so that i wish i were dead or something.

desperately in need of advice.

Dear Desperately In Need of Advice,

I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't going well at all in your new school....that you wake up in tears and that you dread going to school/ each new day. That must be really horrible :(

Here is a big, big hug! Habibti, It's hard being a new kid. Let alone, the new Muslim kid. But believe me, it can get better.

How?

1. Attitude:
You set the day/ mood. When you walk in through that door, if you walk in with your shoulders slumped, a frown on your face and a "please leave me alone attitude", you are practically inviting them to
a) tease, mock you
b) treat you like the outsider
c) ignore you

You are also sending them the message that you need their approval and consent.

That's not true. You do not need their approval or consent on your clothes.

I want you to begin your mornings by saying "Bismillah. Today, I am by Allah's permission going to have a great day. I'm going to have a good day at school. I'm going to make one friend".

Seriously, say that out loud, in an audible voice and believe in it.

Then, do it.

Walk into your classroom with a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eyes. You need to be confident. Don't wait for them to start the conversation because then it's done on their terms. Then, you're leaving it all to their 'questions' about your jilbab because let's face it. That is the most noticeable thing about you. Instead, you start the conversation. Say something as simple as "I'm so not ready for this test...". "Oh, I read that book. It's awesome". "Any chance we're going to have a free period today?" "Your locker's got a cool sticker"....


2. Belong
You do not need your whole class to like you. You do not need everyone to be your friend in order to belong. You only need one friend. That's all it takes. Look for one other girl who needs someone to talk to/ who looks like she can use a friend. Believe me, there is another girl out there who needs someone to talk to.

You see- from my experience- high school kids are of 2 kinds.

1. Those who are running away from their problems at home and seeking school as a refuge
2. Those who are running away from school and letting their 'computers' at home be their refuge

That's the truth. Everyone's got some problem/ something that bothers them....and most people wish they could talk about their problems with others. So be willing to listen to others...and help others.

How? Again, it starts off again with some simple ice breaker or something like 'offering to help someone with their English or math homework' or offering somebody a piece of your 'brownie'. Show that person that you're someone who 'cares' and 'ready to help' :)

Also remember, you can always look for a friend in a different grade than your grade. Who ever said you have to be friends that are exactly your age/ your grade? I know when I was in 12th grade, we used to have this one girl hang out with us all the time...she was in 11th....So if you can't connect with the girls in your homeroom, that doesn't mean you won't connect with anyone.

Some websites out there suggest that you spend one week, every day of the week, trying to make one new friend. Why not? :D

3. Join or Create
Are there any clubs at your school? Being around people who share the same interests as you is bound to make your day a little more cheerful. Whether it's the reading club/ Model United Nations/ Astronomy club/ French club/ etc. go there and make a difference. You can even try to kick-start some kind of "Muslim Student Association in High school club".

4. the Girl in the Jilbab with the amazing ....
Do you realize something? Everyone in high school wants to be different. Every one wants to stand out of the crowd and 'be recognized' as someone special. You already are. So BE the girl with the jilbab who has the amazing sense of humor/ is super talented at physics. Your jilbab is something that makes you unique. You can even use this for dawah.

5. Talk to a school counselor
They are there for a reason. They can help you through this process :)

6. IF any teacher 'picks on you', don't be scared to talk to the administration. A teacher does not have the right to do that. NO matter how old they are/ what qualifications they have, teachers must respect their student's diverse backgrounds. Speak up. You can start off by telling the teacher in a private meeting that their words were offensive. If it continues, you can talk to the administration.

InshaAlah I will put this on the blog and ask our sisters to share their experiences and advice cuz I didn't go to high school in America. This is about all I can think of ...

In the meantime, darling, know that I LOVE YOU and hope things get a lot easier and better for you.

P.S. always remember to turn to Allah. Sweetie, you are never ever alone!

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