Picky Parents?

i know this is going to sound completely selfish of me, but my parents are driving me crazy! they won't let me do anything or go anywhere. it's like they don't trust me at all. what to do about strict parents?
-Frustrated

hey im a 16 year old Muslim girl from bangladesh living in a well not so islamic country... really the only reason im muslim is because my parents are... when i was a kid my parents always taught me to respect and love everyone no matter what their religion or culture is .. but now they are like HARDCORE MUSLIMS
and i hate that.. sorry.. but i do
because i really want to be an actress and a model and they r like NO its harram and i hate that
acting is in my soul ... u know how u feel wen u worship ... well thats how i feel when i am on stage ..dancing,acting,sing is me! and my parents wanna take that away in the name of islam ...
i Love wat i do!
and also i am madly deeply truly in love with a half hindu half muslim guy
i love him i have for the past 5 years my parents dnt like him coz he is half hindu... i need help... i am confused..
i feel like allah made these rules to make me suffer like Allah hates me.. but as far as i know i never hurt anyone, never do anything wrong HARDLY EVER LIE.. i am a good person.. but if loving acting ,dancing,sing and being in love with someone is wrong then i feel like islam is kinda wrong ... 

i am sooo sorry i really dnt wnna hurt anyones feelings 

              -Don't Wanna Hurt Feelings... 

Assalamu Alaykum Sisters, 

Frustrated: I can really, properly understand your dire frustration. We've all been there and it really can be an annoying situation when you're not allowed to go somewhere. But you will be allowed some day, inshaAllah. Just wait for that day. That patience of yours will be rewarded sooo much! Because Allah knows how you feel. 

Look, you may feel 'Hey, I've never done anything to make them not trust me, WHY don't they trust me?!'

But there's more chance they DO trust YOU, but they don't trust the world.

And what's wrong with that. With all the danger and evil which inevitably exists in our world they want to protect you from that. You'll face it when you're older anyway, it doesn't mean you have to face it now.

Sometimes, you just have to breathe, trust your parent's judgement and find light in the situation.

Do something else fun, for example.

Start a blog, make a scrapbook, write, paint, read, do situps! Anything to let off some steam and realise you can find happiness in other things too. (: You can always try to reach a compromise with them, too. Like set a curfew. Agree to avoid going to certain places. Let them meet your friend's parents, too. Let them know who you are hanging out with :) and hey, if you can't go to the party, bring the party home? Why don't you ask your parents if you can invite a friend over to your house?

And remember :) Allah always has a plan, just trust His plan. And always have hope in the fact that this is for your betterment inshaAllah. (: In more ways we know, a frustrating situation becomes an immense blessing.

Don't Wanna Hurt Feelings: It's lovely that you're asking about this, meaning you do want to try to understand your parents? Because that's the best approach to go for, the empathetic one. Once you understand them more, and understand their reasons, it's easier to come to an understanding in yourself or easier to talk about a compromise.

In your situation though, your parents are very right. They want the best for you, honey. They want you to feel a peaceful, blissful contentment inside you which you can only receive from Islam.

Whatever high you feel with acting, I can assure you it is nothing at all like what you feel in prayer. But I have to be honest here. That is...if you know who you are praying to. Sis, you said that you're just Muslim because your parents are. Maybe that's the problem. Have you ever wondered who it is that you are praying to?

When you're praying, you're obeying Allah. You'e obeying the One who has given you health, food, a roof over your head, family, education and mashaAllah, sixteen years of LIFE.   Think about it.  Who has been there for you all these years?  You said that 'acting and singing makes you feel the way your parents feel when they pray". The question though isn't only about how it makes you feel. Worship is about doing what is pleasing to Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala.

Let me give you an example. Imagine your teacher gave you a simple assignment to read 5 notes a day. That's all she asked of you. And you decided that instead of doing that, you were going to write poems the whole day. What kind of grade would you get on the assignment? Did you do the assignment? See, you're forgetting that prayer is an assignment that we've been given by our Lord <3 

And you know what? Prayer is an obligatory act of worship- we do it not because Allah needs it from us- but because we need Him. We are in desperate need of guidance. 


Look at it in another perspective - maybe your parents aren't 'taking away your passions' but showing you something more important and rewarding. Something which will make you happier than you can ever imagine. Just think. What if you could talk to the president of your country and tell him all you wanted to tell him?  Now imagine that prayer lets you talk to the Lord of the Universe....You get to talk to Him and He listens to YOU :)

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided. (2: 186)

Your parents simply want you to have a house in Jannah- paradise- where absolute bliss and happiness can be found. Honey, they care about you. They want you to be with them :)

Don't mistake their care for 'wrath'.

AS for the boy you like - how can he be 'half muslim'. Islam is more than just a part of life. Islam IS a life? 

In my opinion, you're either Muslim or not Muslim...I hope you understand my opinion. (: 

-He's not good for you, or your soul - and it may feel great but this feeling isn't true nor will it last. You're young now, so enjoy everything youth has to offer and crushes usually go by themselves if you don't give them too much importance.

-The 'space' of your life which he has filled up needs to be filled up with something else, which might make getting 'over him' easier. And I advise you to seek knowledge! It'll keep your mind occupied with things which will benefit you, inshaAllah. Spend time with your sisters - have some fun!

Let me tell you, you've been specially designed and created by The King of all Kings. By the Loving and by the Merciful, the Kind and the One who created us from a clot of blood...He has given you talents for a reason, yes, as blessings. But also as a test. To not act upon a desire even if we ace at it. Singing and dancing shouldn't be done in front of non-mehrams, hon. And I'm not your mum or dad telling you this. I'm a sixteen year old girl from a non-muslim country too.


These rules are there not to burden us, at all. But to protect us. It's just like how you listen to the 'street lights'. Do you cross the street when it's red? I bet not. Why not? Cuz you know that the rule there is meant to protect you. It's also like wearing a seat belt. Allah isn't trying to make you miserable. He's protecting you :)

Tell me, sweetie. How many people do you know who have suffered from a broken heart cause they got into a relationship without real commitment? Love is not forbidden in Islam- but it is meant to be within marriage- the only real institution that guarantees the protection and rights of both the wife and husband.

You know- it's basically all about trusting our Creator. Because, He must know what's better for us. He does love us. He loves you more than you could ever fathom to imagine. He created love, after all. He has blessed us with so many countless blessings. Don't forget that. Look all around you - everything you see can be a blessing if you see it that way.

From an old wrinkly lecturer, to a leaf in the wind - it can all be your teacher. It's all a GIFT from the MOST HIGH. :D

------------

I guess it sounds you both seem to be having a problem with the 'rents. Let me remind you though, that the Quran mentions the importance of respect towards parents so many times. Allah (swt) has commanded us to obey and respect our parents and speak to them in a good manner with gentle kind words. Allah (swt) knows best and we must obey His commands. So, whether they tell you to clean your room or do your homework every night - or don't let you go out with your mates or make you go to that dinner party you didn't want to go to - we must obey them and respect them. They have lived a lot longer than us; and wisdom comes with age and experience - something we lack yet they don't.

Check these too inshaAllah (:

Is Everything haram?!

Why should I Love Allah?

http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/03/dare-to-dream.html

Your patience will be rewarded, inshaAllah. 

Have Hope. Keep Hope.

And, Smile. (:

P.S. Note from Little Auntie: Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala says in the Quran:

We have not sent down to you the Qur'an that you be distressed/burdened (2) But only as a reminder for those who fear [Allah] - (3) A revelation from He who created the earth and highest heavens, (4) The Most Merciful [who is] above the Throne established. (5) To Him belongs what is in the heavens and what is on the earth and what is between them and what is under the soil. (6)And if you speak aloud - then indeed, He knows the secret and what is [even] more hidden. (7) Allah - there is no deity except Him. To Him belong the best names. (8) (Surat Taha) 

Islam wasn't meant to burden you, honey. 
You just gotta open your heart to the beauty of Islam. 


Keep in touch with us :D Wanna chat? :) Send me an e-mail and we'll figure out a time <3

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Culture Clash!

So, I'm currently doing an alimah course and subhanallah I learn new things everyday. My problem is that I live with parents whose minds work totally back home, yes I'm talking about India. They are just so stubborn and want to stick to their own ways (picking and choosing what they want to believe) When I tell them that they are doing something wrong (against Islam) My dad would be like, "you think you know more them me?' type of thing. And this hurts me so much! I mean they are my parents and I love them and I want what is best for them but how can I give help to someone who doesn't want it? 

I'll give you an example of what happened once. So in our culture, when someone passes away, all the men and women gather (seperately) and pray for the person. But this 'gathering' isn't even included in Rasullulah's (SAW) sunnah. The women end up talking, (backbiting etc) the old women cant sit on the ground so they sit on chairs which disrespects the Quran when people are praying on the ground. you know what I mean? There is more harm done then there is good. Why cant they just pray Quran at home and send it to the person who passed away? Its between you and Allah right? So anyway, my dads aunt passed away and he was asking me to tell my friends to come to this gathering to pray. So I told him that its not allowed and he started getting angry and telling me that I don't know anything and what not. So what should I do the next time something like this happens?  

- alimah in training

SubhanAllah, you're doing an alimah course! Nice one! (: I hope Allah continues to increase your knowledge, ameen. I do understand what you're on about. When culture clashes with the right thing to do it can be uneasy and downright difficult, right. Because the 'right' thing to do since you've been a child is to simply do as culture does. But as you grow and mashaAllah, your mind grows, you learn how some culturally 'right' things - aren't truly RIGHT. If you're catching my drift. :D

Okay, so when you tell your Dad something and he's maybe not so willing to know: can you sort of understand how he's feeling though. He doesn't want his daughter to tell him what's right and wrong - maybe it's in his nature. And you should understand that - mashaAllah he's your father. (:

It must hurt when they don't take your help, but there's only so much you can do. They must choose as well. That's all about being human too - freewill, right. Talk to your parents as much as they will tolerate. Give them evidence. Tell them that in what you're studying, it's telling us to do otherwise.

You already know this, I'm sure, but never forget to give them the utmost respect and show your love to them, inshaAllah.

See this as a test from Allah, and any test from Him will only benefit you and make you closer to He who created you, inshaAllah. Don't see this all as a negative thing, as it's sort of training you to keep a level-head, disciplining yourself while staying true to your values as well.

Culture is an important part of an identity but everyone should know that religion comes first - because Islam is what controls our life, rather than our life controlling our Islam.

This reminds me of when someone I know started to wear the Hijab, mashaAllah. Her father was, of course, very pleased with her. However, whenever she took it off in the house, he used to tell her to wear a headscarf. His culture obviously told him that girls should cover in the house as well. She was actually infuriated about how backdated and outrageous this was. But she quietly tied her headscarf before going to get her Qur'an translation and showed her father the evidence that she doesn't have to cover in front of her Dad. He couldn't say anything to that, so simply let her be. No arguments, no disobedience. Just the facts. 

Innalillahi wa inna alayhi rajioon

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad's aunt, may Allah forgive her sins, ameen.

You could try to give the evidence in a way which he doesn't feel as if you're trying to be better. So you could find the evidence which suggests anything otherwise to what your family is doing, and show them the page and be like, 'I saw this, and we do this, maybe we shouldn't do it any more.' However cheesy it sounds: you are all in this together...

And see what sort of reaction you get.

The main thing to remember is to always remain calm. Have a mantra in your head whilst you talk to your parents about these things, 'Stay cool, calm, collected. Respect. Respect'.

Most of all, out of anything that you can do - pray for your parents. Please, sister I urge you that there can be no limit on prayer for your parents. You will both be rewarded in the end, inshaAllah.

I pray all the best for you, inshaAllah.

Don't worry, because Allah's testing you. He loves you. He want you to call on Him. Never lose hope in your dua.

Just keep praying, and inshaAllah - keep smiling. (: So smile! :D

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My parents don't really...pray and stuff...

Dear Little Auntie,
My parents are the best. They’re really good and kind people. Masha'Allah, everyone in the community looks up to them. There's only one tiny thing…They’re not really practicing. I don't know what to do. I’m really worried about them!

I'm scared they won’t go to heaven.
Just a little girl

Dear Just a Little Girl,

I can feel your pain from here. Let me give you a big o’le hug. I know we all get scared when our parents look a little sick. Let alone, when they’re a bit away from Allah’s path. The truth is, just as parents are over protective of us, so are we. In fact, your letter reminded me of Prophet Abrham and his father...remember?

When he (Ibrahim) said to his father: "O my father! Why do you worship that which hears not, sees not and cannot avail you in anything? O my father! Verily, there has come to me of knowledge that which has not come to you. So follow me; I will guide you to a straight path. O my father! Worship not Satan. Verily, Satan has been a rebel against the Most Beneficent (Allah). O my father! Verily, I fear lest a torment from the Most Beneficent (Allaah) overtake you, so that you become a companion of Satan ( in Hell-Fire)." (surat Maryam)

But you know what?

Allah subhanoo Wa’ Tala bestowed them with a great gift….YOU! Maybe your purpose here is to help bring them back to the right path Because, yes, Allah is the one who guides people, but He is the One who said:

And admonish thy nearest kinsmen 26: 214

Invite (all) to the Way of thy Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious: for thy Lord knoweth best, who have strayed from His Path, and who receive guidance. 16:125

The question is….how?


The verse above tells us the first and most important rule-- invite to Allah by 'wisdom', 'and in a way that is better'. Be gentle and kind.

Be. Show. Do.

Actions are a lot louder than words. Telling them about Islam might not generate much interest- especially if they come from a country where Islamic rules were mixed with ‘strange’ customs. So instead of ‘telling them’ about it, you have to be the best example out there.

The first thing you gotta do is make sure is that you are praying your 5 prayers. The second thing is to let them see you pray them. Involve them, even! You can one day, for example, say that you want to sleep a bit and ask them to wake you up to pray asr- show them how cautious you are about it. Tell them, “Even if it looks like I am really sleepy, wake me up, just like you’d wake me up if I had an airplane flight that I needed to catch. The salah is my flight to paradise, inshaAllah. [FYI: this simile came from Dr. Mohammed Nuh Qudhaa]”

What else? Well, little girl, I’m not sure if you are ‘really a little little girl’ or a little girl the same way I am a little auntie (hehe)…If you really are a little little girl, it’s safe to assume that you don’t drive, and you ask your parents to drive you to places, right? (I hope! Little auntie frowns on underaged children driving…) If that’s the case, ask them every once in a while to stop by at a masjid when you’re coming back from some place (e.g. a friend’s house/ the mall/etc.). You can say “oh, I’m late, we don’t have time to go all the way home—of course, you pick a place that is near the masjid, hehe…or you can also just be frank and say “It’s been a while since I prayed in the mosque. Can we stop a few moments?” They may look at you strangely, maybe make excuses, etc. but if you stay positive, inshaAllah, they may just enter one day and pray with you…

Another thing you can do is read Qu’ran, whether in the living room or some other room that they are bound to ‘enter’. Listen to a beautiful recitation and let the volume be loud enough for them to catch ‘some of it’, inshaAllah. It might pique their curiosity. The best thing also is to have a ‘scheduled’ time- every day at this particular time you read Qur’an…soon, they will get used to that and might even start joining in. If you’re memorizing surahs (and we all should be, hehe), ask them to test you on parts.

On the other hand, if you’re a ‘big little’ girl, and you do drive a car, leave a Qur’an tape/c.d. in the car- so that when they’re driving, they might actually listen to it, themselves! You can also leave ones about Allah’s Beautiful Names, the importance of salah, etc. Nasheeds are another thing you can leave or have playing when they ride with you. (Oh, btw, if you do drive and you sometimes pick them up, we can still use the tactic we said earlier! Only this time, you tell them that you’re going to stop for a few minutes in the mosque…)
Slowly, inshaAllha, you’ll start to get to them…If you’ve got siblings, work with them on this together. If all of you are reading the Qur’an together, memorizing, etc. they are more likely to want to get involved, as well.

You can also leave’ notes and books conveniently around the house for them to find them. Have parts underlined. Put question marks around things that you actually want them to read more up on. Go to the library with them (if they are library people/if they drive you around) and let them see all the books you check out about Islam. If you have Islamic t.v. channels (whether on the t.v. or online), turn them on and leave them running even when you’re not there (they might sit down and listen!)…of course, we do have to consider the environment, though, so little auntie doesn’t mean to ‘waste electricity’ the entire day :P

You can also invite your friends over and ‘discuss’ things within your parent’s earshot. Discuss Allah’s Mercy, discuss hijab, discuss salah, etc.

Actually, it would be really awesome if you could get your parents to make new friends themselves or meet some practicing people their age. If there is any halaqah going on in your community, try and encourage your parents to join. I know that might be easier said than done, lol…what I’m thinking is that maybe, if there’s an event going on in your community, you can tell your mom that you really want to ‘bake some goodies’- could she help you? And then, invite her to come along or maybe tell her everyone loved it and wants to meet her. Another way is if you have friends whose parents are practicing, talk to your friends about ‘introducing your parents’ and getting them to know each other.

Anything else you can do? Well, get even better grades at school. Don’t come home late. That kinda thing…If they ask you ‘what’s happened to you’- always connect this [good] change to Islam. Let them know that this is also part of practicing Islam. You should also do things at home. Clean the house. If you have younger siblings, offer to babysit them and give your parents a break.

Go visit a hospital or an elderly people’s home/ an orphanage, volunteer in a soup kitchen, start a food drive. Let them know that you’re doing this stuff and that you are doing it because Islam teaches us to do that.

Show them that Islam can be fun, too! Go on a picnic with your parents and reflect on the beauty of nature. Let them watch a ‘funny’ video on Islam such as Baba Ali’s renowned Reminder videos. Again, they might have come from an area where they were taught that Islam prohibited everything fun—show them that’s not the case.

You can even try asking your parents a few [simple] questions! You can pretend you are answering some trivia about the Prophets’ lives for example and ask them “which Prophet could talk to the animals”, again? The point is to again, arouse their interest without ‘patronizing them’. You give them a chance to explain something- you might just get them interested in it and they might research it a bit.

Appeal to their emotional side. Give your parents a good night kiss and say something like- “I want to be with you in jannah”…

The most important thing though is to make dua for them. Make lots and lots of dua, especially during the last third of the night.

These are just some suggestions—I hope the readers can provide us with some more! Whatever you do though, do not withdraw from them. This is a big mistake that many practicing people do- that only ends up making them feel that Islam even took their kids away. You should, instead, show a greater interest in their lives….

And inshaAllah, inshaAllah, soon you’ll be racing to keep up with them on your journey to Paradise,
Keep us updated,



p.s. sorry for the long post, my readers :P I know, I know...long, again ;)

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