>> Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Assalamualaikum my dear sisters,
I have a huge problem and I don't know how to get myself out of this situation. I'm engaged with a brother but i keep on thinking about him most of the time. You could say that he is the centre of my life. I listen to a talk about "False attachment" in the youtube and I admit that I have this strong attachment with the brother (he is not even my husband yet :'( ). Alhamdulilah, we never contact each other since we agreed on not having each other's phone number or email address and try our best to observe the boundaries. If we were ever to deliver any news, we have to go through a third person. I'm actually very happy because the brother is a very good muslim. We couldn't get married yet due to some problems. InshAllah Allah knows the best time (Pls make doa for me if there's khayr :D ). The problem is not with him but with me. I'm sad to say that i'm far from the remembrance of Allah swt. When I pray, he is the biggest obstacles for me to concentrate. I know I have a sick heart and I even try to fight it but its hard for me to get out from this cycle. I'm scard if my actions now will affect my life after marriage. Its even sad when i hear this statement from the Quran "Yet there are men who take (for worship) other besides Allah, as equal (with Him). They love them as they should love Allah. But those of Faith are overflowing in their love for Allah (2:165) " Frankly, this brother distract me from the remembrance of Allah swt and i started to become restless. I might not make a strong statement that I love the brother just like i love Allah swt, but it is reflected through my actions and thinking (what occupy my mind the most). I'm afraid to say that the price of getting married is higher than i thought. I want to be close and remember Allah swt.
(p/s: Sorry if its too long for u to read, may Allah bless u all :D )
Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!
Dearest Sister Cookie,
Awww your e-mail made me smile. Congrats on getting engaged! I'm sure it's very natural for a fiancée to think/dream a lot about her future hubby, but it's great ma'shaAllah that you have evaluated how much you think about him and how much you think about Allah. Your e-mail gives me personally a chance to reflect on myself and evaluate if Allah is really first in my life or not, so thank you for that. And girl, that a’int long. I don’t know what you think about our posts, LOL. But seriously, InshaAllah the readers can also evaluate themselves :)
So what can you do?
Well, I think you should start off with just reminding yourself of the facts. When you find your mind wandering, remember how much you really know about him. Are you thinking about something you actually know about him or are you thinking about something you want?
It's like right now, while you’re in this engagement period, he's like a 'ghost'- a shadow of himself.
Okay, that sounds positively eerie.
Let me put it in a different way. Right now, he's like this beautiful country that you've heard about and you dream about visiting.But as many tourists discover, every city has two sides to it. The side we see in commercials and the side the ordinary citizens have to battle with....;)
I’m not saying that he’s some kinda monster. NO WAY.
I’m just reminding you that he is not perfect. (In fact, I honestly think that he's the center of your attention right now because you are not married and you haven't experienced the very normal human side of him, yet. LOL.).
And, as positively cruel as this sounds, (don't hate me!) remind yourself that marrying him will not give you the 'perfect life'. Because the perfect life is not for now. It's in jannah.
See, I don't know if this is a reason why he's become the center of your life or not, but many girls often mistakenly look at their fiancée as the solution to all their problems (maybe the family is a bit strict at home/ parents just don't 'get it'/ whatever) and they imagine that by marrying them they will achieve ever lasting happiness. Unfortunately, that's not the reality of the matter.
Allah says in the Qur'an:
That We created man in toil and trouble. (90:4)
Single or married- we've all got our own problems to deal with, SubhanAllah.
The only One who can guide our hearts and grant us happiness actually is Allah.
Okay, besides reminding yourself of those things, what else can you do?
Make a "Why Do I Love Allah List"
Think about it.
Who is Allah?
He is the Most Loving, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful, the One who loves to Blot out Sins, the Forgiver, the One Who Accepts Repentance, the One who Answers the Call of His servants (supplications) …
He is the only One who is Perfect.
He is the One has decreed that His Mercy prevails over his Wrath (related by Muslim and Bukhari.)
He is the One who is more merciful to us than a mother is to her baby (in a hadith related by Umar bin Al Khattab).
I think we often say that but we don't even realize how merciful that is. If we look into the animal kingdom though, we can see amazing amazing examples of mercy . I watched this amazing video once of a female mother bird who puts her life in danger for her babies. "The mother bird who sees an enemy approaching will quietly leave her nest, (actually) place herself in front of the enemy, and start to flutter on the ground, striking it with a wing, making painful cries, and trying to convince the enemy, while staying beyond its reach, that she is helpless (so that it will come to HER!). As the enemy tries to catch her, it gets farther away from the nest (her little babies)." Quoted from here:
In a hadith, it was said: Allah divided mercy in to 100 parts and he kept 99 parts with Himself, and sent down one part on the earth, and because of that one single part,His creation are merciful to each other, so that even the mare lifts up its hoof away from its calf, lest it should trample on it.'(Bukhari)
I mean think about all the mercy around us-- that's just one tiny part!
Think about the mercy of the Prophet- how he forgave the Qurayshi Arabs after all they did to him. Even though they plotted against him. Boycotted him. Abused him. Yet, what did he tell them in the end? "There is no blame upon you."
Now realize that the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam's mercy still pales in comparison with the Mercy of the Most Merciful, who chose to begin every surah (except At Tauwbah) with that name.
He is the One who decided how to record the good deeds and the bad deeds in the most merciful and kindest way imaginable. He declared that whoever intended to do good deed but didn’t do it, He would write it down with Himself as a full good deed, and if the person intended to do it and did it, He would write itdown with Himself as from ten good deeds to seven hundred times, or many times over.
Whoever comes [on the Day of Judgement] with a good deed will have ten times the like thereof [to his credit], and whoever comes with an evil deed will not be recompensed except the like thereof; and they will not be wronged. (6: 160)
He showers us with blessings day in and day out. And we sin against Him day in and day out. And yet He stretches His hands out, ready to forgive us.
Allah is our Supporter and Al Hadi, guiding us every step of the way.
He is Al-Mujib- the One who answers the one in need if he asks Him and rescues the yearner if he calls upon Him. He wants us to call on Him.
He Who responds to the oppressed when they call on Him and removes their distress, and has appointed you as inheritors of the land. Is there another deity besides Allah? How little you pay heed! (Surat an-Naml, 62)
He is Near- just a dua away.
And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.
He remembers us! Imagine you went to a university made up of 1, 000,000 students and you weren't even an amazing student. Just a regular student. And the Chancellor of your university actually would personally call you- remember you- say your name? How great would you feel? Now think about Allah who is the Creator of every single thing...And yet, out of His billions of creations (the people that passed, the people to come, the people now, and all the other creations), if you remember Him, He remembers YOU.
I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assemble better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.
He is Ash-Shakur: The One who is Ever Appreciative. He is the One Who appreciates your deeds, however small they are, and doubles the rewards for you in this world and in the hereafter
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "A prostitute was forgiven by Allah, because, passing by a panting dog near a well and seeing that the dog was about to die of thirst, she took off her shoe, and tying it with her head-cover she drew out some water for it. So, Allah forgave her because of that."
He is the One who cares for every single one of his creations and wants his servants to look after each other.
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said: Allah (mighty and sublime be He) will say on the Day of Resurrection:
O son of Adam, I fell ill and you visited Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I visit You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so had fallen ill and you visited him not? Did you not know that had you visited him you would have found Me with him? O son of Adam, I asked you for food and you fed Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I feed You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so asked you for food and you fed him not? Did you not know that had you fed him you would surely have found that (the reward for doing so) with Me? O son of Adam, I asked you to give Me to drink and you gave Me not to drink. He will say: O Lord, how should I give You to drink whin You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: My servant So-and-so asked you to give him to drink and you gave him not to drink. Had you given him to drink you would have surely found that with Me.It was related by Muslim.
He is our Protector: … it is Our duty to help the believers. (Surat ar-Rum, 47)
He is the One who Loves:
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said: Allah (mighty and sublime be He) said:
Whosoever shows enmity to someone devoted to Me, I shall be at war with him. My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it. I do not hesitate about anything as much as I hesitate about [seizing] the soul of My faithful servant: he hates death and I hate hurting him.
It was related by al-Bukhari.
Did you know that it is said that the Throne of Allah shook for the death of a companion?
Umar narrated that the Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihi wasalam) said: “This (i.e. Saad ibn Muadh) is the one at whose death the Throne shook, the gates of heaven were opened for him and seventy thousand angels attended his funeral. It squeezed* him once then released him.” [Sunan An-Nasai, Hadeeth No. 2057. Graded 'saheeh' by Shaikh Al-Albani in Saheeh Sunan An-Nasai, Hadeeth No. 2055]
According to the Darussalam commentary, "The Throne shook" means that it shook in the delight of his welcome.]
Don’t you want that, sis?
Can you imagine?
Allah is pleased with them, and they are pleased with Him. (Surat al-Mujadala, 22)
I bet you do....And the thing is.....these are all general reasons. I'm sure if you examine your own life thoroughly, you will find so many more blessings and favors that Allah has given you. You'll find how much He has been there for you :)
So it's time that you occupied yourself with some more Islamic activities.
- Why not take the opportunity now to learn some more about Allah's Names? What do we mean when we say that He is the Provider? (Who gave you your fiancée)? What is it mean that He is Al Lateef? You can maybe make some kind of goal. "I'm going to learn 20 Names of Allah" before I get married. I highly encourage you to check these videos out…I mean these totally helped me grow in my love for Allah =)
- Dedicate some time to listening to the Qur'an and listening to Islamic lectures
-Make a ‘why am I thankful to Allah’ list =)
-Make a conscious effort to do some more dhikr.
InshaAllah sis, you’ll find yourself putting Allah first. inshaAllah the other sisters can share their advice,