When You Ask for My Hand In Marriage....

Asalamu aliakum!

Although we usually give advice to sisters on this blog, this is a ONCE in a DLA life time post intended for brothers. It's a sort of guideline to help them out when they go to propose ;)

What Not To Say

When You Ask for My Hand In Marriage....

Picture this.

You've asked for this girl's hand in marriage.

Your friends of mutual family friends...You don't exactly know her, but your mutual friends reassured you that she's nice looking ("Chillax, bro, she's good-lookin"), from a good family ("They're like all doctors and engineers"), and knows her deen well ("Ma'shaAllah, she does her salah on time"). You've googled her, checked her facebook account, exchanged a few phone calls with her dad, and now...finally...

you're walking through her door.

Face to Face. What do you tell her?
 
And more importantly, what do you NOT not tell her? What must you- as a groom- avoid at any cost saying? 

As a sister whose been there-seen that- heard that (OMG, he didn't just say that, did he?!)- I thought it was time I helped you guys out a bit. 

1. "Are you going to quit your job/ studies?" 

When you ask this question, many women hear: "Look, woman, you better stay home all day...every day..30 days a month, 24 hours a day...in fact, every minute of the day/year."
I know you're thinking, "But I didn't say that". Yeah, you didn't, and I'll be the first to admit that this is a legitimate question. You have every right to want a traditional lifestyle. But you need to understand that unfortunately, most of us (men/ women) are brainwashed into thinking that we are what we do. For women who have been working for a few years, it can be scary to imagine quitting their job suddenly. They're used to going to a certain place every day, meeting their co-workers, getting a certain salary, etc. When you word the question like that, it's like you're asking them to give up their identity and everything they're used to. 

Instead, try a more neutral question, like: "So, how are you planning to balance married life with work?" 

2." Did you cook that? Can you cook?"

First of all, if it looks like something Martha Stewart made, there are pretty big chances (90%) that she did not make it. And when you ask her "Did you make it", you basically set her up for a mini-heart attack. She starts thinking, "I knew it. He just wants a professional cook/ maid. If she's fluent in sarcasm, she might be thining, "It looks like he's looking for a partner for his stomach." 

Instead, try saying: "So, what do you think you need to work on more or develop more before married life?"

If she needs to learn how to cook, she'll probably let you know with that kind of question. 

3. "You know you have to obey your husband?"

We know that. When a man says it on the very first meeting (or even the 2nd or 3rd), though, especially if he's looking very serious, it can often be (mis-)interpreted as a threat. The woman hears: Be my slave. 

And her instinct is: Run!

Instead, say: In Islam, men and women have rights and obligations on each other.What do you think is the most important right you have as a wife over your husband? And what do you think is the most important right your husband has over you?

4. "I expect you to fully respect my mother". [This is the sister of "My mother is #1 in my life.]

Put yourself in a woman's shoes, for one sec. Do you know how many horror mother in law stories we have heard? When you ask this question or say this statement, a woman hears, "You have to do my Momma's laundry, cook food for her, and of course, wipe the ground she walks on." 

Whereas in question #3, she hears that you want her to be your slave, this time she hears that you want her to be your mother's slave. Again, her instinct is: RUN.

What to say: "You know, Islam has placed so much emphasis on the rights our mothers have on us. I would love it so much if my mother and wife could get along well. I want the 2 most important women in my life to be friends.[You can add something like: I just hope my wife can remember that my mother's growing a little older..."

5. "I'm....I'm.....I'm....

Here's the thing. Many women are indirect/shy. If they ask you a question, and then another question, and then another question, they're probably hoping that you'll ask them the questions back in turn. They want to be given a chance to share with you, too, and talk about themselves but don't exactly know how to let YOU know that they want to talk.

So, if a woman asks you a question like: "What are your hobbies", answer her and then, when you finish, don't say "Any other questions? What else would you like to know", but say: 

"What about you?"

Say things like: I'd love to know what you think/ What about you/ How do you feel about that? 

If it's usually you talking when you go to a sister's house and you've never actually had a sister ask you questions, try asking the sister, "So, is there anything you want to discuss?"
 
And that's the key point. It's not a one sided university lecture. It's a discussion.

Well brothers, these are a few small clues to help you out. I leave it to my sisters here to add any more points they think you should know. 

Remember to pray istikharah beforehand (and afterwards) and bring a special gift with you (hint: a box of chocolate is always good). And one last hint: it is a good idea to have some sort of plan of what you want to DO with your life BEFORE you go :)

 May Allah bless all the singles with beautiful and pious partners who help them on the path to jannah.

Read more...

Still. Not. Hired. :(

As'alamo alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,Little aunties, I need your advice. I have been searching for a job for a long time now and I still have not gotten one. Being stuck at home all day has really gotten me down.  I feel like my days mix into each other and I don't know which day it is anymore. To be honest, I dread even opening my facebook anymore. While my friends put up their accomplishments on facebook and show their pictures at their work, I'm still in my house, all day, in pajamas. And the worst thing is that when I finally do get an interview, I always mess up and get really nervous. I’m starting to really get depressed and hopeless about this. Is there some kind of dua I can say to get a job? I hope you can help me somehow.Lookin'For Work

Dear Lookin'ForWork,

First of all, Eid Mubarak to you and all our lovely readers :)

Second, I know how you feel. I've been in your shoes. Looking for a job can be really tough: the "search", the interviewer's raised eyebrows and scrutinizing look at you from under her glasses [you've never worked before? and you have what exactly to offer us?],  the "wait" for a reply, and of course, your aunt's and uncle's whispers and questions at family gatherings [did she get a job, yet?]. I can also understand how it can be a little heartbreaking seeing your friends posting their pictures at work and talking about all the "things they do" while you still can't seem to get a job.

But you know what?

Every interview and attempt you take is another chance to get that job. It's like your shooting an arrow, and each time, getting closer to the target. A wise man once said: 

“I haven’t failed, I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” — Thomas Edison 

You know what made Thomas Edison successful?

It's that he kept trying. He didn't give up.

You too should not give up.

There's a famous saying that says: You miss 100% of the shots you don't take".

 You will definitely NOT get a job if you don't even try. There's no way that you'll get a job if you don't even send your CV or go to another interview.

Instead, when you don't get something, it's not a sign for you to give up/ become hopeless. It's a sign that you should look at why you didn't get it and how you can get it (next time). 

What you need to do right now is:

1.       Make sure your CV is up to date and easy to read. Read tips on how to have an attractive CV and cover letter.
2.       Watch videos and read links on how to ace a job interview. And then, actually practice job interviews. When I say “practice”, I literally mean practice. Ask a friend/family relative to act like an interviewer. Also, interview yourself several times and video tape it. Analyze what you can improve.
3.       Write down good answers to the questions that usually throw you off during interviews. For example, how do you answer someone saying “Tell me about yourself”? Sit down and PREPARE good answers for such questions.
4.      Take courses and certificates, sign up for extra classes, attend conventions that have to do with your field of study and even ones that don’t have to, and do some training somewhere. Say, for example, you want to be a teacher. Look for teaching courses and also other things like “computer courses”. The more skills you have, the more unique and valuable you are. And of course, the more qualified you are for the job you’re applying, the better.
5.       Volunteer somewhere. Again, this could be related or unrelated to the field you want to work in.
6.       Network: this is key. As an employee, I know that my boss has asked me several times if I could recommend anyone. Bosses prefer people who are “referred” to them by people they trust. That’s why it’s important that you maintain your friendships and broaden your circle of acquaintances. Make sure the people around you know that you are looking for a job (your neighbors, relatives, friends, colleagues, former professors, etc.). Send your CV to your relatives and ask them to keep it with them and if they know somebody who is looking to hire, to give it to them.
7.     Search for “new” places opening up that need people. Remember the teacher example we gave earlier? Continuing with that example, if you wanted to teach somewhere, you should try searching for a new school that is still trying to establish itself.  New places usually have more vacancies than older ones and less requirements/ less qualifications needed.

Well, what about Islamic things to say or do to get a job? I can’t say exactly of a specific dua, but to increase our rizq or sustenance we should do the following:

 1.      Do istighfaar a lot.

“I [Nooh] said (to them): ‘Ask forgiveness from your Lord, verily, He is Oft‑Forgiving; ‘He will send rain to you in abundance, ‘And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers”[Nooh 71:10-12]. 

And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And (commanding you): “Seek the forgiveness of your Lord, and turn to Him in repentance, that He may grant you good enjoyment, for a term appointed, and bestow His abounding Grace to every owner of grace …Hood 11:3]. 

 2.      It was narrated from Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her) that the Prophet(blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) used to say after Fajr prayer: “Allaahumma inni as’aluka rizqan tayyiban wa ‘ilman naafi‘an wa ‘amalan mutaqabbalan (O Allah, I ask You for a good (halaal) provision, beneficial knowledge and accepted deeds).” Narrated by Ahmad in al-Musnad (6/294); Ibn Maajah in al-Sunan (66).

3.      Observe the kinship ties.

Prophet Muhammad, Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam, said: Whoever desires that Allah increase his provision and extend his life, let him maintain his family ties"

That doesn’t mean sending a message to your aunties only on Eid, though. It means checking up on them regularly, telling them ‘hello’, visiting them, etc. [SubhanAllah, this could be related to the point we were mentioning earlier about networking]

             4. Put your trust and reliance on Allah: Tawakkul (Trust in Allah and Relying on Him)

 Allah says in the Quran: 

 "And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allâh, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allâh will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allâh has set a measure for all things."

[Surah Al-Talaq, Verse 2-3]

Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said:

 “If you trust Allah with right kind of Tawakkul, He will provide you sustenance as He provides for the birds – they go out in the morning with empty stomachs and come back in the evening with full stomachs.” (Hadith in Al-Tirmidhi)

What about the depression and loneliness? 

You know what? While you’re searching for a job, you don’t actually have to be stuck at home all day. You can try and take up a new hobby or learn a new skill. You can even volunteer at a charity organization and meet other people? You can sign up for a class at the gym, go out and meet others :)

Try to think of some other goal you want to accomplish, besides getting a job, and start working on it. Do you want to lose weight? Become healthier? Learn to cook better? The point is that working on something is important. It gives you a sense of accomplishment and even helps your sense of identity.

 And you know what? You should FORCE yourself to wake up, take a shower, change your clothes. When you feel lazy and just want to stay in your jammies, remind yourself that you end up feeling bad about that later.

Another thing: there are lots of things that you can now do from the comfort of your own home. For example, what about translating articles or even writing articles?  Tutoring? Writing notes for university students of your major (and putting it up on a blog, for example)? There are always projects you can take up and things to do, while you  search for a job.

Finally, remember to be patient. Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala always has the servant's best interest in mind. Maybe Allah wanted to give you this time to get closer to Him instead of being distracted with work all the time. You never know! This time could be the most spiritually active time you have: without a family or responsibilities  you're free to do as much ibada as you want, SubhanAllah. This could actually all be a gift for you :)

Well sister, I hope this helps you a teensy weensy bit.

With love,

  

Read more...

In need of a hug.

 

I'm a 17 year old Muslim girl living in the west. I've been depressed since I was 10 or 11. I have a really bad past. I was born in a Muslim family alhumdulillah so I was always a Muslimah. Lately I've been starting to lose hope in life because my life is just so messed up! I can't even concentrate on salah anymore astugfirallah, but I am so troubled and stressed out. I am trying to recover my depression but everything/everyone always seems to bring me down. No one seems to understand. My parents expect me to be happy and don't understand why I'm upset all the time. I told them I was depressed once but they didn't understand so I stopped sharing my feelings with them. The truth is that my parents don't really like me. I've always been so much less than everyone else. I don't have any friends even though I tried so many times! Most of my friends seem to not want to be around me. I feel so alone all the time I've been spending more and more time in my room, isolating myself from the rest of the world. I've isolated myself from my family, my friends, etc etc. I literally only come out of my room just to eat and drink which is pathetic, I know that. But my parents aren't the most nicest people ever. My dad is sexually abusive towards him so I'm terrified to be around him! My mom is more verbally abusive and always tries to bring me down, which she successfully does. I have NO LIFE and I understand that. I want to change that. I hate it when my mom keeps telling me, ""All you do is stay up in your room all day. You have no friends, no relationships with anyone, nothing. What is the point of you living then? You are worthless! You don't benefit anyone."" It's true, I'm very useless. I'm 17 and I don't even know how to cook, do laundry, and other household chores like that. Also my studies aren't that good either. Looking over my life, I didn't really do anything during my childhood. I literally just stay in, study, and go on the computer for like 6 hours per day. It's because I'm depressed, so I live my life on the computer and not in real life. But today I want to change that. I want to become a totally new person. I want to become a better Muslimah. I hope it's not too late to change especially since I'm already 17. I don't find any trouble in changing myself but I find so much trouble in the fact that the past will always try to catch up to me. It's so hurting to be constantly reminded of my past. Two days ago, I made up my mind to change but all of a sudden, my little sister seemed to ruin that by bringing up my past. She told our relatives, ""All she does is spend the whole day in her room and on her computer. She has no life and no friends. She spends a lonely life."" I felt so bad after she said that. She ruined the rest of the day for me. :( I hate being reminded of the fact that I have no life. I want her to stop mentioning that! When my little sister said that, I felt like screaming inside. I'm so stressed right now and panicking. I have one month left to fix myself. Next month, one of my mom's friends' son is coming over (he's a couple of years older than me). I live in America and he lives in his country. We've met and been acquainted with each other for a few times before. I actually really like him. I never thought I'd develop feelings for him but alas, I couldn't help myself. He's so pious and very kind to me - he's the only man on this earth who respects me. I really love him! But the thing is - he's the opposite of me. He has a lot of good friends, is respected among the Muslim ummah, is a very devouted Muslim brother, etc. I really want him to like me back so I'll change for his sake. But I'm so terrified that he won't like me back because of who I am. I'm a no-life, talentless, depressed, ugly girl. He's the opposite of that. I know this will be competition considering many girls are after him. :( They're all beautiful, etc.I want to get married when I'm 18, I don't know why. But I know I must change myself, so I will. But the past will come up in one way or the other, I just know it! I want Allah to conceal my past from him. I lose my motivation to become a better person because of a terrible fear of my past. :( I hate myself and I want to commit suicide so badly. I want this Muslim brother because we're good friends. Whenever I'm upset, I can go up to him and ask him to help. He always cheers me up and makes me feel better. In fact, he makes me feel like the most special girl on earth. He may like me back but I know for the wrong reasons. He doesn't know who I really am. He doesn't know how my parents abuse me, how I have no life, how no one (except him) wants to be my friend, how I feel suicidal and depressed every day, how I just don't want to exist anymore. I struggle with my faith and with my life. I want to run away from the past and kept it hidden but I'm terrified it may come back to haunt me! I spend nights crying over myself.I know I'm 17 so I'm really sorry that I sound really babyish right now. I just felt the need to vent to someone and when I found your blog, I decided to email you as the last hope. I feel so guilty. :( Please help me! How can I fix myself and move on? A Young Muslimah

Dearest A Young Muslimah,

First of all, you don't sound babyish at all!! Instead, you sound like somebody who has been hurt a lot, who is need of a shoulder to cry on and a sisterly hug =) Your email is so sincere..I have so much I want to talk to you about that I'm not sure this email is going to be coherent. It's going to be somewhat jumbled, but I hope it makes a little bit of sense :)

So let's start :) 

You know what I was thinking when I was reading your email? 

I was thinking that maybe you are really loved by Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala :)

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials." 

 Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."  

The prophet (peace be upon him) said: "The greatness of the reward is tied to the greatness of the trial. When Allah loves a people, He puts them to the trial. Whoever is acceptant of it will have Allah's acceptance and whoever is displeased and unacceptant with it will gain Allah's displeasure." [At-Tirmidhi Kitab At-Tauhid]

 You could be someone GREAT in the sight of Allah :)

The truth is that what you described- the "old you"- doesn't sound like a bad person to me. You were never useless or worthless. You were abused and hurt. You were trying to "survive" and your defense mechanism was to stay in your room and protect yourself from getting hurt again. You searched for an escape from the pain you were going through and the only escape you found was in the form of your computer.

So, stop "hating yourself" and being so hard on yourself. Look back at that little girl who had no one to talk to-who felt that her mother was against her- who never knew when her father would touch her- and understand that she did what she could. She was trying to cope with her life and the depression she was going through and didn't know any other way but to lock herself up in her room'.

Once you can accept that truth, that you were simply trying to cope with your life, you can move on. You can sit down and think: "Now, how can I cope with my problems? How should I deal with my mother when she verbally abuses me? How do I deal with depression? How do I...etc."" 

I really want to stress this part: you can't be better if you've already given up on yourself. You say you want to change but at the end of your letter, you make it sound like it's hopeless.

It's not.

Every single day is a NEW day for you. It is a new chance. Things CAN turn around. They WILL, inshaallah.

 But before we take a look at "how" to change your life around, let's stop for a moment and really analyze WHY you want to be better. I understand that you like this guy and that maybe he likes you. But hunny, I worry about him being the "reason" you want to change. 

 What happens if it turns out he likes you as his sister and not thinking of you as a wife? Will that make you go back to being depressed? Will that make you go back to your room? 

You see, cupcake, living the life you want means making the decision yourself that you are worthy of that life and that you care enough about yourself to live that life. You have to make a decision that you are someone special. Your happiness should not depend on someone else's 'opinion' of you. 

You have to actively want to be better for your own sake...and you have to be committed to it whether or not this guy will like you.

Okay, well how are we going to start the process of becoming the " new you"? 

1. Attitude:  Like we keep saying, believe in yourself. Write down good qualities you have. 

-Write this sentence somewhere: I am worthy of being loved. I am someone special. I matter….. 

-Sit down and think about something that you do really well- it could even be how much of an expert you are with computers. 

-I want you to begin your mornings by saying "Bismillah. Today, I am by Allah's permission going to have a great day.

2. Talk to a Counselor/ 

You've gone through a lot and you mention being depressed since you were 10. I can tell by your letter that you're not just talking about some 'sad days' but something more. There are chances you're dealing with depression as a clinical condition... 

What you need to do is FIND OUT where you are right now.  In order to properly cope with depression, you need to know exactly where you stand....

That's why, I think you should take the 2 tests below: 
http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=1123

http://psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=1597

See how you score. 

If your results indicate that you are suffering from severe depression or even mild depression, you should try seeking some professional help. It's not fair to you to try to handle it all by yourself. The way I see it is this, I have to wear glasses in order to see correctly. Sometimes we need a little help :) 

If you can, try talking to your school/ university counselor. It's even possible to talk to some teacher that you really trust or sending in a letter to a website such as Kid's Health. You can even call a hotline: http://smhp.psych.ucla.edu/hotline.htm

You can also try joining forums with support groups. Most Muslim forums have a counseling section, but you can also try other ones for like depression, 'family help', 'mental health': 

http://www.mastersincounseling.org/top-50-web-forums-for-counseling-advice-and-support.html

The important thing is that you have somebody else with you that can help you identify and talk through your feelings and see things differently and not so negatively. I know that you the thought of 'opening up' to an outsider probably makes you feel guilty or like you would be betraying your family....But actually, you aren't. It's not like you're going around and randomly telling people your problems-instead, you are seeking help and support to help yourself and your family.

Other things to do to help you with the depression: 

 * Exercise daily! Get your body pumping....Exercise releases chemicals that makes your body feel happy.  I know that when you're going through depression, you probably don’t even want to get out of bed- but try to enlist the help of a friend/exercising buddy. If you’re thinking, “Why bother,” try reading this: http://www.mcmanweb.com/exercise.html

*  Eat good foods! Food can really affect our mood. Try to stock up on fruits and veggies. Read more about good foods here: http://www.foodforthebrain.org/content.asp?id_Content=1713 

* Sleep well

3.  About your father sexually abusing you: what I'm worried about is this is still going on?!! This is not acceptable. Your father can not do this to you. Don't think for a second that it's okay for him to do this. It's not. It's a crime!!! And that definitely includes in Islam, too. It's completely HARAAM. It has got to stop. Have you thought of talking to the local Imam?  Would your mother believe you? What about an uncle (your mother's brother, because chances are your dad's brother won't believe it). It may seem very hard to talk to an outsider about it, but he needs to know that he can't do this to you and get way it. It's also for his own benefit to get the "help" and hopefully the treatment he needs. 

4.  Work on meeting new friends/ improving your friendships.

Keep an open mind. Try finding a course or club you can join to meet new people, be it cooking, sports, languages or even knitting!  Being around people who share the same interests as you is bound to make your day a little more cheerful and help you make great friends. 

Go to the masjid on Friday prayers and get to know the sisters there.

 It can be awkward sometimes when you want to start talking to someone, but you don't know what to say. Well, my advice to you, to first: Say Salaam. And mean it. Actually feel like you do want peace to be upon this person. SMILE at the person=)

Bring Eid goodies and strike up a conversation with somebody after tomorrow!! :) 

Compliment a sister's shoes at school/ university.Say something as simple as "I'm so not ready for this test...". "Oh, I read that book. It's awesome". "Any chance we're going to have a free period today?" 

Remember: Everyone's got some problem/ something that bothers them....and most people wish they could talk about their problems with others. So be willing to listen to others...and help others. 

As for the friends you already "have" but they don't feel like hanging out with you, try and analyze why that could be. Do you think that maybe you could be honest with them and tell them that you were going through "depression" and are trying to get through it, now? 

5. Have a talk with your family: talk to them about how you are trying to change and appreciate their HELP in this. You can say that at breakfast time/ lunch time/ whatever..And then, talk to your sister one on one and your mother and so forth. Tell your sister that you are sincerely trying to change and that you don't really appreciate her telling the whole family that you have no life/ etc. You just need some support in your change :)

6. When your mother verbally abuses you remind yourself that a person's words are not FACTS or a reflection of you. 

Verbal abuse is a reflection of your mother's parenting skills/ and the mental state she is in. (By that, I literally mean the current mental conditions she’s going through)  

Maybe your mother is really stressed out- people who are stressed tend to get angry fast. Maybe she’s got a lot of worries on his mind…or she’s really anxious. Maybe she was raised that way with her parents verbally abusing her and doesn’t know how to address her problems and pinpoint her anger correctly. Maybe she's really worried about you but doesn't know how to help you, and thinks that she's encouraging you to be better by putting you down.

Whatever it is, when your mother says those things, bounce her words OFF. 

And ask yourself a few questions:

• 1.      Do you really need to ‘hear this’?
• 2.      If you respond to her anger at that exact moment, will she even ‘hear you’? If she’s just ranting, chances are, she won’t even listen to anything you have to say. So….
• 3.      Do you have to stay in that room? 
• 4.      Is there a simple solution/ compromise that can be reached?
• 5.      Does calling a rose by any other name change the rose? If I call a rose ‘garbage’, does that change the rose/ or its essence? Do his cuss words change you? (NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE).

If you feel that she's constantly verbally abusing you, you can leave the negative environment by going out to the public library/ taking a walk around the block/ going to a park/ whatever. That will give you a chance to leave the negative environment but at the same time, she won't be able to say that you're stuck in your room all the time.

7.  Make Dua and Turn to Allah. 

Who has been watching you all this time? Who hears your cry without tears even falling? 

You are actually never alone, sweets.Through out all of your life, there has been One on your side, only a prayer away.

When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way. (2:186) 

He's the Most Perfect One who can actually change our lives for us! All we got to do, is ask....thank, and talk to Him! Make dua to Him. Read the Qur'an. Get to know His Attributes better. 

8. Take a look at resources for depression, improving faith, finding happiness

I definitely recommed Yasmin Mogahed: http://www.youtube.com/YasminMogahedOnline

http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2012/05/29/every-moment-a-new-birth/

http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2010/11/13/escaping-the-worst-of-prisons/

And our previous posts:

-  http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/04/pursuit-of-happiness.html

-http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/10/life-make-over.html

WEll sister, I know that this was jumbled but I hope it helps you a bit. I really hope the other sisters can also share their advice. If you have been through abuse, please let us know what helped you come out of it and what you wish somebody had told you? 

I really pray that things get better for you. May Allah grant you the peace and happiness you are looking for....May He lighten your load and make the coming days full of happiness and smiles. 

Lots of love, 

Little Auntie

P.S. I REALLY hate to say this but sis, remember that in Islam, there really isn't such a thing as girls and guys being friends. Think about it. You didn't mean to but ended up falling in love with this guy. wouldn't you be crushed if he doesn't feel the same way? That's why in Islam girl and guy relationships should be professional. You should never be alone, either with a non-marahm. You also have to remember that Shaytan wants both of you to get distracted from Allah and you can never know what plans he's got up his sleeves. 

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Prophet Mohammed/ Prophet Jesus

I happened to stumble on your blog and hope you wouldn't mind a question from a non-Muslim reader interested in knowing more. My basic question is this: how do you compare between Prophet Mohammed's character and Jesus's character. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon. Interested

Dear Interested,
 Of course, I wouldn't mind a question from a Christian reader :) Thank you for reaching out to us and for having the courage to turn in your question :) 

As for your question, that's an interesting one to say the least.
 One thing we have to understand is that in Islam, both Prophet Mohammed and Prophet Jesus are highly revered and respected. Both were prophets who came with the same message: to worship God, alone. We don't say that one came with a better message than the other; they came with the same message.  And in many ways, despite what the popular media depicts, they were quite similar: forgiving, merciful, peaceful, and clement.

 Forgiving? Merciful?  Prophet Mohammed?

Yep :)

What do you say we take a quick look at his life and you decide what you think of his character?

First, let's go back to the time that Prophet Mohammed was living in: the Pagan Arabs were a very tribal people and would often fight over the most ridiculous things. In fact, a war occurred for more than 40 years over a "camel". Bloodshed was common and the strong preyed over the weak. Yet, even before the Revelation of the Quran, Prophet Mohammed was known among his people to be different. He was a person who preferred peace to fighting. In a well reported incident, Prophet Mohammed helped prevent an escalating fight (which was looking to become bloody) and came up with the idea of all of the tribes holding the Black Stone ( a stone believed to have come down from heaven) together.

Not only did he seek peace before the Revelation, he continued to live by it, after Revelation.

 First, when the Prophet brought the message of Islam (where he told his people to worship God alone and take care of the weak and vulnerable, etc.) he was met with violence. The Pagan Arabs ridiculed him, tormented him, and physically abused his followers…

And when we say abuse, we mean serious abuse. Like the story of Bilal, who was a slave. He was taken to the desert, stripped of his clothes, laid down on the burning sand, and had a huge boulder placed on his chest. There's also the case of Sumayah, a woman—she was the first "martyr" in Islam. The point being, the Pagan Arabs were callous and extremely violent.

 Yet, Prophet Mohamed did not fight back. He encouraged his people to remain patient. For 13 long years, he and his followers endured unimaginable pain. In fact, the Pagan Arabs actually boycotted Prophet Mohammed and his followers: so much so, they didn't give them any food and basically left them to starve. Prophet Mohammed's wife, Khadijah ultimately didn't survive and she later died, out of malnutrition.

 It reached a point where things were getting pretty bad and Prophet Mohammed decided to seek refuge in another city: Taif. He walked there (around 90 kms) and presented to them the message of Islam. He asked them to at least consider the message/ or not tell the Pagan Arabs about his visit. Yet the people of Taif had their children throw stones and rocks at the Prophet. Feet bloodied, he tried to run away from them/hide and he found shelter in a cave. It is reported that the angels of the mountains told him to give him permission and crush the people of Taif (have the mountains come together). Prophet Mohammed refused that. 

 The angel of the mountains called, and saluted me saying: "Oh Muhammad, what I do will be as you request. If you want, I close the two mountains on them?" The Prophet, Peace be upon him, replied: "Instead of that, I am hoping that Allah (the Al mighty) will create from their offspring people who worship Allah alone, without ascribing partners unto Him" .

The Pagan Arabs even decided to assassinate Prophet Mohammed (even though they left their valuables with him. He was so trustworthy that he was like his people's free banker). However, God told Prophet Mohammed of their plans and gave permission to the Prophet to emigrate to a different city. And yet, even though his people were literally planning to murder him, Prophet Mohammed didn't curse them or pray against them. Instead, he actually made sure that their were plans to give back all of their valuables. He commanded his cousin Ali to give them back their belongings. He thought of them when all they wanted was to kill him.

 Anyways, finally, he reached Madinah. Yet, the Pagan Arabs didn't stop attacking the Prophet. We know of how they allied themselves with groups within and out of Madina to fight against the Prophet. Even when they fought him, he still did not stop thinking of them. He still wanted desperately for them to be guided and to accept the message.

In the Battle of Uhud, the Prophet was wounded and his face was covered with blood, but he was saying, “0 Allah! Guide my people, for they are ignorant” (Bukhari). 


 Do you know that they continued to attack the Muslims to the point of even causing Prophet Mohammed's own daughter, Zainab, to suffer a miscarriage?  Still, Prophet Mohammed would choose peace.

 Like the time when he had a dream that he was performing pilgrimage in Makkah and he tried to go back with a large number of Companions.When the Pagan Arabs saw them, they refused to let them go to the Kabah. Prophet Mohammed didn't command his people to fight the Makkans. Instead, he agreed to what seemed like a very unfair peace treaty: one that favored the Makkans over the Muslims. This was known as the Treaty of Hudaibah.

 And finally, when Prophet Mohammed returned to Makkah…with an army of 10,000 people. After all that they did to him….the 20 years of fighting him and persecuting him for no reason but that he called on people to worship God. At the time when he could have done with them whatever he wanted/ exacted revenge on them? You know what he chose, right?

 He didn't fight them.
 HE chose to forgive.

There are numerous narrations the Companions reported about Prophet Mohammed's mercy and forgiveness.

 It was reported that Abu Huraira, May Allah be pleased with him, said that the Prophet, Peace be upon him, was asked to invoke Allah (the Almighty) against polytheists. He replied: "I was not sent out for cursing, I was sent out as a mercy" narrated by Muslim.

 It was reported that Jabir-bin-Abdullah, May Allah be pleased with both of them said: "Oh! "Messenger of Allah, we have been hit severely by the fire arrows of Thakif (a tribe name), invoke Allah (the Almighty) against them. The Prophet, Peace be upon him, said: "Oh Allah! I call upon you to favour Thakif with your guidance" narrated by Al-Tirmizi with a sound reference. 

We've also mentioned another story before on this blog. The story of Abdullah bin Ubai.  He was one of the leaders of the hypocrites in Madinah. He did everything he could to undermine the prophet's authority (encouraging more than a third of an army to  leave a battle). He even spread horrible rumours about the Prophet's own dear wife. 

So why do I bring him up? Because of what happened after he died. 

Narrated Hadrat Ibn 'Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him): When 'Abdullah bin 'Ubai died, his son 'Abdullah came to Allah's Messenger (may Allah's blessings and peace be upon him) and asked him to give him his shirt in order to shroud his father in it. He gave it to him and then 'Abdullah asked the Prophet (may Allah's blessings and peace be upon him) to offer the funeral prayer for him (his father). Allah's Messenger (may Allah's blessings and peace be upon him) got up to offer the funeral prayer for him. Sayyidina 'Umar got up too and got hold of the garment of Allah's Messenger (may Allah's blessings and peace be upon him) and said, "O Allah's Messenger! Will you offer the funeral prayer for him though your Lord has forbidden you to offer the prayer for him ?" Allah's Messenger (may Allah's blessings and peace be upon him) said, "But Allah has given me the choice by saying:-

'Whether you ask forgiveness for them, or do not ask forgiveness for them; even if you ask forgiveness for them seventy times never will Allah forgive them. That is because they disbelieved in Allah and His Messenger, and Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people..' (9:80)

So I will ask more than seventy times." 

And finally, remember,  it's one thing to want to choose to "Turn the other cheek" for personal injuries, and it's another thing to be the Head of State, repsonsible for the citizens of your country and their "cheeks". Prophet Mohammed never repaid personal injuries with meanness; he followed the example of Prophet Jesus praying for his enemies guidance. However, as Head of the State, he did have to go to battle to defend his citizens from attacks by others and oppression. Whenever he could, though, he would try to find ways to solve the problems through peace.

There are actually many more stories in Prophet Mohammed's life but I felt that I couldn't delay replying to you :) I encourage you to read more about him and to keep writing to us.

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