>> Wednesday, September 28, 2011
salamualaikum warahmatulahi wabarakatuhu little Aunties
i speak slowly so i can understand myself and make sure others to do. My dad does not understand me. I try my best to understand him, but he does not try at all. He calls me stupid when i try my best. He says im a bad muslim even though i know im becoming a better muslim. I reaally try my best to be my best muslimah, but he doest care. He calls me stupid so much that sumtimes i believe it. He cuts me off before i can talk to him. And when he is with my friends he is so nice untill he gets home. I get very sad. my dad seems to love everyone except for me. i never do anything wrong to him and i am extra carefull all the time, i dont know y he hates me. When i put on jilbab he acused me of doing it for the wrong reason.When i go online to learn about islam he accuses me of going online for other reasons. He does not trust me. i have a sister who hangs out with the wrong croud and mingles with boys, but my dad is so nice and gentle with her. He calls me stupid all the time, but i try my best not to be stupid. How do i get my father to understand me? please answer ASAP. i really have nobody else to tell this too.
Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa baraktoo,
Your e-mail broke my heart. It really did.
First of all, I want to reassure you that you are not stupid. You are not!
Unfortunately, as we said in an earlier post, a lot of parents have this 'backwards' idea that calling their children "stupid" will motivate them to be 'better". That's obviously not right. Your dad is wrong in calling you this. Absolutely wrong.
Everybody is intelligent but not everybody is intelligent in the same way. You have to realize that intelligence isn't something necessarily measured by school grades. There are lots of different kinds of "intelligences". There's emotional intelligence, social intelligence (interpersonal skills), spatial intelligence, etc. It's not fair of your father to judge you by 'one thing' only (e.g. math grades).
Let me tell you about myself personally. I was one of those nerdy nerds at school. Give me a word problem/ a book to read and I'm happy. But give me a hands on science experiment and I'm lost. Seriously, I can barely 'use keys', have a problem with putting staples inside a stapler (I'm not kidding), and am absolutely horrible with little paper crafts and origami things and a zillion other things. And you know what? When I tell people I have a problem with reading a normal clock and all those other things, people think I'm "stupid".
But it's unfair. It's unfair of them to judge me by the things I'm not good at. All of us have something we need a little extra help in and other things, we're very good at. And that's why, I want you to stop believing that you are stupid.
You are a beautiful intelligent young woman. NO matter what anyone calls you.
Like Shakespeare said, does calling a rose by any other name change the rose? If I call a rose ‘garbage’, does that change the rose/ or its essence? NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.
Whenever your father says "stupid' and when he treats you differently from how he treats your sister and your friends, his actions and his words are not a reflection of you. His words are not a reflection of how intelligent you are/ how beautiful/ whatever...whether you're a good daughter or a bad daughter/ a good person or a bad person.
That said, I can't promise you that your father will understand you....
But one thing you can work on is clearly communicating to your father all that you're trying to do to improve yourself. Show your father all the steps you're taking to tackle any weak subjects/ difficult areas for you.
- Like if you've arranged for a friend to tutor you, tell him that. If you use a website like "Khan Academy" or "Sparksnotes" or whatever, tell him that you've found some helpful sites and you're doing better. Take practice tests/ do practice questions and tell him if your scores are improving.
- Get to know your strengths with a guidance counselor- if possible- and make a plan of action for your weaknesses
- Ask your teachers to recommend some books for you and go out with your father and purchase them....Or ask them for extra assignments and tell your dad....
(Be sure to also read our link:http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/03/failing.html)
And tell him that you need his positive support....and that your feelings are hurt when he calls you stupid.
As for being a "bad Muslimah", hunny, I'm very sorry that he calls you that. Just from reading your letter, I felt that you were really trying...I mean you wore jilbab, ma'shaAllah!
The truth is that your father is sending you mixed messages. First, he tells you that you are a bad Muslimah....Then, when you try to be a good Muslimah, he accuses you of things. No wonder you're all confused and miserable!
You need to tell your dad clearly, "Dad, I'm trying to be a better Muslimah. I've joined a few websites to learn more about our beautiful religion. You're welcome to read them with me...join them, too".
-Try forwarding him some nice articles you read and sharing interesting hadiths with the family. Maybe he sees the stuff you're reading, he'll be more reassured.
It's really unfortunate that your father treats you differently from how he treats everyone else. Do you think that maybe can you try writing a letter to him? And telling him in gentle terms how much you long to have a better relationship with him?
Can you try and find some connection and common ground with your father? Maybe try reading some Qur'an with him or praying with him? You could also watch the news with him and ask him his opinions about something. Try building a relationship not only on your grades/school work, but broadening it a bit.
Most importantly, keep making dua and never losing hope. Believe in yourself...spread your wings and SOAR :)
InshaAllah things will get better. Lots of love!
p.s. if you're on a mixed forum, I would suggest going to an all female Muslimah forum :) I've found them to be a lot better, Islamically :D