>> Tuesday, October 26, 2010
as salam dear little aunty :)
I found your blog and saw you gave advice on marriage issues so i thought i would send in my question. I’m only 21 and not planning to get married, but in the past few months, there have been three good guys hinting to my family that they want to propose. Now these good guys 'disturbed' my feelings and i can't barely sleep very well --> due to over-thinking. my state of heart is in a confused situation. i know i shouldn't think about them that much since i am not planning to get married so soon but at the same time, i just can't help it. the thing is my mother really likes one of the guys and she says i should consider him. But i never thought I would be married so soon.
Oh, i’m just so lost and confused……
what should i do, little aunty?
A Confused Lady
Dear a Confused Lady,
I so know what you’re going through. I had something similar happen- a great guy came and asked for my hand in marriage. The thing was I was completely anti-marriage at that point and I really thought I was too young- I was 19 years old. I had also only finished one year of university. Anyways, in that one meeting where my parents were there, I felt he was a good guy. And my dad loved him- he was that kind of guy…he had a good education, a good job prospect, was religious, etc. but I just couldn’t imagine myself getting married so young. So guess what smart thing I did? Yeah….I said no. Now, a couple of suitors later and fast forward a few years and I often find myself thinking I was an idiot!
So why am I sharing with you this story?
Well, it’s simple, really. Many of us imagine that once we graduate from university, get a job, have worked a bit, then and only then, the right guy is going to magically appear. Like our knight in shining armor is just waiting for us to decide when we want to get married to come along and ask for our hand in marriage. We’ve got it all worked out in our minds- just like a Hollywood scripted movie- but the reality is much more different.
Mr. Right doesn’t always show up ‘at the right time’…. or what I should say is, ‘the time that we think is right’.
More often than not, he shows up exactly when you were not planning on meeting him. And while in a movie it might seem pretty dang hilarious or ‘oh so sweet’ when Mr. Prince Charming shows up at the ‘wrong time’, it’s really not ‘funny’ in real life. It’s confusing. Suddenly, everything is upside down downside up! And everybody is waiting for you to make probably one of (if not ‘the’) biggest decision of your life and you just don’t know what to choose (especially if you’re like me and deciding what pair of shoes to buy is a major decision for you :P).
So yeah, I can understand your confusion and I can understand your ‘fear’, even. But let me tell you that I happen to know more than 3 girls who got married when they were 20 or less (19 & 18) and each of them wasn’t expecting it- each was still in university- but it worked out for them, Ma’sahAllah!
On the other hand, I also know one sister whose father, thinking that he had her best interest in mind, refused to let her meet any of the suitors who asked for her hand in marriage while she was still in university. Today, she is almost 30 years old and still not married. The unfortunate part though is that she confessed to me that she sometimes wishes she could have at least met those suitors…
Now, I’m not saying you should just throw yourself at any guy who comes or you won’t get married! Not at all! What I just mean is seriously CONSIDER these potential suitors. If you do find that one of these suitors really does appeal to you religiously, rationally, emotionally, and physically, then don’t let your age stand in the way. Our age is just a number- it doesn’t reflect (or it doesn’t’ always reflect one’s maturity or wisdom level, at all.)
Instead, what I think you should do is ask yourself this question:
If this man were to come five* (or how ever many years you want) later, what would I say? And then you need to ask yourself: Well, what if he doesn’t? What if he doesn’t come back? What if it’s now or never?
You also need to make lots of dua, and pray istikhara. When you pray istikharah you agree to let Allah decide what is best for you….and of course He always chooses what is best for you at this moment, for your future and your afterlife! (When you say the dua, Allah Subhanoo wa’ Tala will either make things easier for you, showing you that yes, this guy is good for you, or make it ‘really hard’, proving to you that this person isn’t really good for you.)
Of course, I do know that it can be really nerve wracking and very frightening to suddenly think of yourself with a new role (that of a wife) but just because something is a little hard to think about, doesn’t mean you should just completely turn away from it without thinking.
However, if you’re convinced that you’re not ready for marriage and you’re really sure you need more time to grow religiously/ emotionally/etc., then be honest with these suitors. We don’t date in Islam so having a relationship is not acceptable. If these suitors are really that great what you can do instead is tell them that you need time. Are they willing to wait a bit?
Well, hope my answer could help you a bit. InshaAllah, I will be keeping you in my adeya. inshaAllah things will be easier for you and you will be able to sleep. Feel free to write again and tell us any updates or anything.
Your sis and aunty,