>> Saturday, August 18, 2012
I'm a 17 year old Muslim girl living in the west. I've been depressed since I was 10 or 11. I have a really bad past. I was born in a Muslim family alhumdulillah so I was always a Muslimah. Lately I've been starting to lose hope in life because my life is just so messed up! I can't even concentrate on salah anymore astugfirallah, but I am so troubled and stressed out. I am trying to recover my depression but everything/everyone always seems to bring me down. No one seems to understand. My parents expect me to be happy and don't understand why I'm upset all the time. I told them I was depressed once but they didn't understand so I stopped sharing my feelings with them. The truth is that my parents don't really like me. I've always been so much less than everyone else. I don't have any friends even though I tried so many times! Most of my friends seem to not want to be around me. I feel so alone all the time I've been spending more and more time in my room, isolating myself from the rest of the world. I've isolated myself from my family, my friends, etc etc. I literally only come out of my room just to eat and drink which is pathetic, I know that. But my parents aren't the most nicest people ever. My dad is sexually abusive towards him so I'm terrified to be around him! My mom is more verbally abusive and always tries to bring me down, which she successfully does. I have NO LIFE and I understand that. I want to change that. I hate it when my mom keeps telling me, ""All you do is stay up in your room all day. You have no friends, no relationships with anyone, nothing. What is the point of you living then? You are worthless! You don't benefit anyone."" It's true, I'm very useless. I'm 17 and I don't even know how to cook, do laundry, and other household chores like that. Also my studies aren't that good either. Looking over my life, I didn't really do anything during my childhood. I literally just stay in, study, and go on the computer for like 6 hours per day. It's because I'm depressed, so I live my life on the computer and not in real life. But today I want to change that. I want to become a totally new person. I want to become a better Muslimah. I hope it's not too late to change especially since I'm already 17. I don't find any trouble in changing myself but I find so much trouble in the fact that the past will always try to catch up to me. It's so hurting to be constantly reminded of my past. Two days ago, I made up my mind to change but all of a sudden, my little sister seemed to ruin that by bringing up my past. She told our relatives, ""All she does is spend the whole day in her room and on her computer. She has no life and no friends. She spends a lonely life."" I felt so bad after she said that. She ruined the rest of the day for me. :( I hate being reminded of the fact that I have no life. I want her to stop mentioning that! When my little sister said that, I felt like screaming inside. I'm so stressed right now and panicking. I have one month left to fix myself. Next month, one of my mom's friends' son is coming over (he's a couple of years older than me). I live in America and he lives in his country. We've met and been acquainted with each other for a few times before. I actually really like him. I never thought I'd develop feelings for him but alas, I couldn't help myself. He's so pious and very kind to me - he's the only man on this earth who respects me. I really love him! But the thing is - he's the opposite of me. He has a lot of good friends, is respected among the Muslim ummah, is a very devouted Muslim brother, etc. I really want him to like me back so I'll change for his sake. But I'm so terrified that he won't like me back because of who I am. I'm a no-life, talentless, depressed, ugly girl. He's the opposite of that. I know this will be competition considering many girls are after him. :( They're all beautiful, etc.I want to get married when I'm 18, I don't know why. But I know I must change myself, so I will. But the past will come up in one way or the other, I just know it! I want Allah to conceal my past from him. I lose my motivation to become a better person because of a terrible fear of my past. :( I hate myself and I want to commit suicide so badly. I want this Muslim brother because we're good friends. Whenever I'm upset, I can go up to him and ask him to help. He always cheers me up and makes me feel better. In fact, he makes me feel like the most special girl on earth. He may like me back but I know for the wrong reasons. He doesn't know who I really am. He doesn't know how my parents abuse me, how I have no life, how no one (except him) wants to be my friend, how I feel suicidal and depressed every day, how I just don't want to exist anymore. I struggle with my faith and with my life. I want to run away from the past and kept it hidden but I'm terrified it may come back to haunt me! I spend nights crying over myself.I know I'm 17 so I'm really sorry that I sound really babyish right now. I just felt the need to vent to someone and when I found your blog, I decided to email you as the last hope. I feel so guilty. :( Please help me! How can I fix myself and move on? A Young Muslimah
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials."
Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."
The prophet (peace be upon him) said: "The greatness of the reward is tied to the greatness of the trial. When Allah loves a people, He puts them to the trial. Whoever is acceptant of it will have Allah's acceptance and whoever is displeased and unacceptant with it will gain Allah's displeasure." [At-Tirmidhi Kitab At-Tauhid]
You have to actively want to be better for your own sake...and you have to be committed to it whether or not this guy will like you.
As for the friends you already "have" but they don't feel like hanging out with you, try and analyze why that could be. Do you think that maybe you could be honest with them and tell them that you were going through "depression" and are trying to get through it, now?
- 1. Do you really need to ‘hear this’?
- 2. If you respond to her anger at that exact moment, will she even ‘hear you’? If she’s just ranting, chances are, she won’t even listen to anything you have to say. So….
- 3. Do you have to stay in that room?
- 4. Is there a simple solution/ compromise that can be reached?
- 5. Does calling a rose by any other name change the rose? If I call a rose ‘garbage’, does that change the rose/ or its essence? Do his cuss words change you? (NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE).
He's the Most Perfect One who can actually change our lives for us! All we got to do, is ask....thank, and talk to Him! Make dua to Him. Read the Qur'an. Get to know His Attributes better.