Unreasonable Demands...and a Suitor Gone

>> Thursday, May 3, 2012

Asalmu aliakum, Sisters, I am really down lately. A few months ago, I received a proposal from a great brother. He was practicing, well known in the community, had a beard and a good job....We met with my parents and I really felt that we clicked. Everything was going great. And then,to be honest, my family started acting unreasonably and everything stopped. His parents called my parents and said it was over. The thing is that I just can't forget this brother. Part of me is wondering if things can be fixed. Is it too late? Do you think I am being silly and I should just forget the whole matter? :(

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

Dearest Sister,

awww, sis! :( That sounds like a very tough situation. :( Sending you lots of hugs!  I’m very proud of you, though, for being honest and saying that it was your family who made the problem.  I know though, that makes it even harder to bear. 

Here is what I think… A few months have passed, right. The truth is that brother might have moved on. And that would just change everything anyway. It would mean there’s no point in thinking about whether or not “he is the one or to fix things or not”.  If I was you, I’d try to do a little research to find out- ask a mutual family friend or the person that let you know about him, check Facebook, or etc. Mind you, I don’t want you to become obsessed about it…but if there’s some way for you to find out if he’s moved on without you getting directly involved that would be great. 

Now, if you are able to find out and it looks like he’s still available…

1. Pray Istikhara

2. Talk to your family,.. You really need your family to realize what MATTERS to you. You also need them to acknowledge that they were being unreasonable and by doing that, made life a little difficult for you. Point out the big picture- all that you two have in common…Ask your family if they would be willing to make some sacrifices and put aside those differences they were pushing for. Why do you need to do this? Because you don’t want your family to offend his family in any way, again. People might be able to forgive others once- but chances are if it happens again, then they’re not going to be so willing to reconsider.

3. The next step is to see how the brother’s family feels…See, even if you apologize, and even if there isn’t someone in his life right now, his parents might have decided you guys are on the black list. Again, this is something that you can try and have a mutual friend ask?  Perhaps she [the mutual friend] could ask “would their family be willing to reconsider if your family apologized and made some sacrifices?” Another way is if you can get some mutual friends to praise your family and to mention that they have become more religious and are no longer as interested in material things (whatever the silly things were)…

If his family is not going for it,  then, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I know you liked this brother, but remember, you didn't live with him, so you didn't actually experience him as a husband. Maybe, you were just supposed to just learn the lesson (to focus on what truly matters) so that the next time a guy comes, your family doesn’t make the same mistake and let him slip from your hands. Because, let’s face it, no one perfect is ever going to come and your family needs to have a list of the priorities that matter and those that they would be willing to overlook…

You really don't want to end up like the poor daughter in this cartoon and your family needs to know that:

So, that's my little advice. Try and see what happens, but trust that whatever happens is for your own benefit. Make sincere dua and intention that your marriage is FOR Allah and then trust that Allah will give you the person best for your deen, dunya, and aakhirah :) 

And as a final note of advice, remember that just like you prayed istikhara (are going to pray it), this brother probably did, too (since you said that he's religious). So whatever happens is the best for the BOTH of you =)

With all my love,

1 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

A. Zahra May 11, 2012 at 4:42 AM  

salaam alaikum :-)
its difficult going through this phase. but then, when his parents call and say it's over, then there's nothing much a person can do anyway. it's best to think that it wasn't meant to be. but you must make sure that the reason that his parents ended it was because of your parents unreasonable behaviour. try and have a mutual friend know about the REAL reason that they said no..just to be sure that it wan't any misunderstanding or miscommunication that caused it.
wishing you all the best dear sister :-)

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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