If I Leave him, He'll Kill Himself...

>> Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I need help.
I used to be a practicing Muslim and would regularly keep my prayers and live alhamdullilah a good life. Then, I got involved, against my better judgment, with a non-Muslim man. I know its wrong to have a boyfriend but somehow it happened and the problem is now I find myself too ashamed to pray or do anything. Whenever I think of leaving him, though, he talks me out of it and says his life will be useless. I'm afraid he really is going to hurt himself or do something if I leave-- what if he KILLS HIMSELF??- and he honestly is a very decent and good man and I think there might be a chance of him converting. Am I bad? Good? Am I wrong? And do you think that now it's too hopeless for me to return to the practicing person I was?

 Dear Sister,

First of all, sister, there's no such thing as "am I a bad person or a good person or what"...When you label yourself into only one category, you make problems for yourself. If you label yourself as bad, you are ultimately giving yourself the license to sin. You're saying "Well, I'm bad, anyways, so I might as well enjoy my life here...I'm going to end up in trouble, anyways". And if you label yourself as " 100% good", you also may fall into the category where you feel that you are already guaranteed paradise/ you might think that you could never do anything wrong. Why should I change? I'm already good".

 Instead, you need to consider these verses in the Qur'an:

 And [by] the soul and He who proportioned it (7) And inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness, (8) He has succeeded who purifies it, (9) And he has failed who instills it [with corruption].(10) Surat al Shams

 What we understand from this is that you are a HUMAN being... As such, you were created with both desires and with goodness.
 Sometimes you want to do something you shouldn't do. Sometimes, you don't want to do something you should do. Sometimes you love something that you shouldn’t love….

 So, instead of thinking "am I good or bad", think: "I am a test taker. I am taking a test right now, and this is a chance for me to DO something good..."

 MEETING this young man was a part of your test. And the test isn’t over, yet.

 The test is still going on. And you are a work in progress- you are working to become righteous...And you do that, by being willing to WORK and purify yourself. 

It is never too "hopeless/ late" to return to the right path (unless your soul has reached your throat and the sun has risen from the West).

Sister, working on becoming someone righteous is a day in and day out thing. It’s not “I used to pray but don’t pray anymore, so it's hopeless"..…It’s “I might not have prayed dhuhr this morning but that’s not going to stop me from praying asr. I’m going to start praying from NOW”.

 So how can we do that?

 Try changing the whole "focal point" from "You" to "Allah". Instead of thinking "am I good/ bad?", concentrate on developing your feelings for Allah. Work on feeling:

a) love for Allah
b)  hope in Allah- in His Forgiveness, in His Mercy, in His Appreciation of your deeds
c)  fear in Allah- in His right to take away any of the blessings He has given you, in the fact that He is All-Aware of everything you do- in His Knowledge and Hearing,

As for feeling too ashamed to pray, that’s a trick from Shaytaan. Allah tells us in the Qu'ran that prayer prohibits immorality. It's not that you "sinned", so you stop praying. It's that you pray, so eventually you will stop sinning. The Qur'an says:

  Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do. (29: 45)

 In fact, in a hadith,we are told that our prayers are like a river that cleanse us from our sins. So STICK TO PRAYER, no matter what.

 Now, let's discuss the issue of your boyfriend threatening to hurt himself.

a) Tell him gentle terms that "You cannot be responsible for any decision he makes to harm himself. He has to respect and honor his own body. You can tell him, "I care about you. But this relationship is tearing me apart because it is against my religion. I would love if you would please take a look at Islam. But if it’s something you don’t want to accept, then, it’s time for us to go our own different ways. Hurting yourself is not going to help you…and it’s not fair to blackmail me like that. It’s not fair to hold me hostage in this relationship.
b) If he's suffering from clinical depression and you feel that there is a chance for him to really hurt himself (for example you know he has pills or has a problem cutting himself or something like that), you can tell his FAMILY, first. Tell his parents that you can’t continue this relationship but that you are worried about him because he said he will hurt himself.
c) You can also ask the school counselor/ university counselor/ a professional to talk to him.
d) Another idea is if HE threatens you that he will hurt himself, you take out your mobile and tell him that you’re calling the police/ and are going to report the threat.

But as you can see, there is no option of staying put.For one thing, he needs to understand that he cannot depend on you for happiness. He must want to help himself. For another, you’re putting your Hereafter on the line for him.

IF you truly feel that there is a chance of him converting, you should ask him to talk with some brothers/ go to the masjid/ give him websites that will help him. But staying put and risking your own relationship with Allah is not going to help either of you.

May Allah make things easier for you!

7 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

seekingpatience,  February 6, 2013 at 3:05 PM  

MA loved the post Little Auntie. It was right to the point and you gave specific steps she should take and really simplified the matter.

I would suggest, even if he does want to convert, that sister, you two should still take a break from each other (for some time) and clear your heads. That's so he can adjust and learn about the deen. I think that time alone from each other will allow you both to focus on yourselves and become better. Then later if it's khair, get married with your parent's permission.

UmmRania February 6, 2013 at 10:00 PM  

Assalamu Alaikum

Great advice in this post MashaAllah.

I just want to add 2 things.

1, you are responsible for YOU and YOU alone at this point in time. You are not responsible for him in any way. You have to take care of you POINT.

2, is that really the kind of person you want to be with, does this sound like a person who loves you or even cares about you? This is a form of abuse, dont let yourself be abused. If you let him do this to you now, you never know what is coming down the road. Run far far away from this one! Even if he was to become Muslim, just run, THIS is a very unhealthy relationship and please just get out of it as fast as you can. He has problems and they are not for you to fix. If this is how he is when you are "dating" then can you imagine how horrible he could turn to be if this ever went to another level?

3rd, like the little aunties said...PRAY!!! Just do it! Allah can forgive you for all your sins, there are not any that are too big that he cant forgive, except Shirk and to be honest leaving your prayer all because you have a boyfriend, sounds to me like a form of shirk.

Anonymous,  February 7, 2013 at 2:14 AM  

Just to add to the previous post, Allah does forgive shirk, if you repent for it. Allah forgives EVERY single sin that you sincerely repent for. That is how merciful Allah is. And please my dear sister, repent for not praying and then just pray. Allah has said:

Say: "O 'Ibadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

"And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith (Islamic Monotheism) to your Lord and submit to Him, (in Islam), before the torment comes upon you, then you will not be helped.

"And follow the best of that which is sent down to you from your Lord (i.e. this Quran, do what it orders you to do and keep away from what it forbids), before the torment comes on you suddenly while you perceive not!" 39: 53-55

So my dear, just repent sincerely and pray.

On a more personal note, I have gone through something that dealt with one of the major sins. Everyday has a struggle, but I am trying sincerely for the sake of Allah and I know that if I try my absolute hardest, Allah will forgive me. Do try, but if you get pushed down again, just get back up. Allah will not leave you if you repent and TRY to change for the sake of Allah. Allah will never leave His slave who repents. But dear, don't leave your prayer. Yes, you already did. But that doesn't mean that you have to keep doing so. What I have done is much worse than what others have done, but I have to keep doing my salat because salat is what will help me to be forgiven. It's also the time when you can actually talk to the Lord of the Worlds and tell Him that you are trying to change and want to become a better Muslim. And if you feel ashamed to pray, that's exactly why you need to pray. You are a human being, you have committed a sin, but you want to change. Your Salat will help you to do just that insha'Allah.

We all commit sins, but the best of those who sin are the ones who repent (this may be in a hadith?).

My dear, just go to Allah...He will be pleased to have you repent to Him and He will gude you through the darkest of times and struggles. Oh, and ask Allah for Guidance. I have learned that this is one of the most important things to do. I love you sister, insha'Allah we will meet in Jannah <3

Anonymous,  February 7, 2013 at 2:26 AM  

I wrote the above post, it got kind of long, so I cut it in 2!

That was about prayer, now about your relationship. You were once close to Allah. Time went by and you distanced yourself from Him. Well, honey, run back to Allah. If you go to Allah walking, He will come to you at speed. Just repent from this relationship, just like with your Salat.
But part of the repentance is staying away from this guy. You have to make a sincere intention to cut the relationship. It's not going to be easy, but when Allah guides you back to the Light, you will see that the Light is what you need. Allah will take care of this guy, you don't know what will happen to him, but it's not your trial to handle. Allah guides whom He wills. Again, I love you dear. Really I do, and it will be ok insha'Allah. Just go back to Allah. He will love to hear from you. He is Gafoor ur Rahim (the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful).

Anonymous,  February 9, 2013 at 7:16 PM  

Assalaamu alaikum,

Dear sister, no person should have such a hold over another. No person should be a barrier between you and Jannah. No person should use emotional blackmail to keep a hold of you. You are someone who knows deep in their heart that what they are doing with this person is a sin. This guy knows that for you it's a sin, but he doesn't hold those views so he's pulling you down with him. That person is selfish. That guy may indeed have good qualities, but as an outsider looking in, he is doing you wrong and you're allowing him to do you wrong. Do not give in to your emotions sister, be stronger than that, think rationally, time is running out! You know you want out, that's why you're seeking help. You know it's time to quit. Listen sister, it's never too late, restore your faith in the One we will return to, who will tell us what we used to do, the One who forgives the person who repents sincerely. So repent sister, return to good, forbid the evil, secure your place in Jannah, and please just leave him.

May Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala, aid you. Walk towards Him and He will come running to you subhanAllah!!

Little Auntie February 23, 2013 at 2:51 AM  

Ma'shaAllah, really great comments by the sisters :)
Jazakun Allah koli khair for sharing,

Seeker of Guidance March 15, 2013 at 8:03 AM  

Sensible reply <3

Sister, in a relationship between a man and a woman, the third is always Shaytan. He will always be there, always trying to get one or the other to slip.

He knows that he can get another sinner into his "quota book" that way.

Don't fall for that.

It takes time to break out of the mindset of thinking about someone, but it is possible.

It's totally possible.

Just hang on.

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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