>> Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I need help.
I used to be a practicing Muslim and would regularly keep my prayers and live alhamdullilah a good life. Then, I got involved, against my better judgment, with a non-Muslim man. I know its wrong to have a boyfriend but somehow it happened and the problem is now I find myself too ashamed to pray or do anything. Whenever I think of leaving him, though, he talks me out of it and says his life will be useless. I'm afraid he really is going to hurt himself or do something if I leave-- what if he KILLS HIMSELF??- and he honestly is a very decent and good man and I think there might be a chance of him converting. Am I bad? Good? Am I wrong? And do you think that now it's too hopeless for me to return to the practicing person I was?
First of all, sister, there's no such thing as "am I a bad person or a good person or what"...When you label yourself into only one category, you make problems for yourself. If you label yourself as bad, you are ultimately giving yourself the license to sin. You're saying "Well, I'm bad, anyways, so I might as well enjoy my life here...I'm going to end up in trouble, anyways". And if you label yourself as " 100% good", you also may fall into the category where you feel that you are already guaranteed paradise/ you might think that you could never do anything wrong. Why should I change? I'm already good".
Instead, you need to consider these verses in the Qur'an:
And [by] the soul and He who proportioned it (7) And inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness, (8) He has succeeded who purifies it, (9) And he has failed who instills it [with corruption].(10) Surat al Shams
What we understand from this is that you are a HUMAN being... As such, you were created with both desires and with goodness.
Sometimes you want to do something you shouldn't do. Sometimes, you don't want to do something you should do. Sometimes you love something that you shouldn’t love….
So, instead of thinking "am I good or bad", think: "I am a test taker. I am taking a test right now, and this is a chance for me to DO something good..."
MEETING this young man was a part of your test. And the test isn’t over, yet.
The test is still going on. And you are a work in progress- you are working to become righteous...And you do that, by being willing to WORK and purify yourself.
It is never too "hopeless/ late" to return to the right path (unless your soul has reached your throat and the sun has risen from the West).
Sister, working on becoming someone righteous is a day in and day out thing. It’s not “I used to pray but don’t pray anymore, so it's hopeless"..…It’s “I might not have prayed dhuhr this morning but that’s not going to stop me from praying asr. I’m going to start praying from NOW”.
So how can we do that?
Try changing the whole "focal point" from "You" to "Allah". Instead of thinking "am I good/ bad?", concentrate on developing your feelings for Allah. Work on feeling:
a) love for Allah
b) hope in Allah- in His Forgiveness, in His Mercy, in His Appreciation of your deeds
c) fear in Allah- in His right to take away any of the blessings He has given you, in the fact that He is All-Aware of everything you do- in His Knowledge and Hearing,
As for feeling too ashamed to pray, that’s a trick from Shaytaan. Allah tells us in the Qu'ran that prayer prohibits immorality. It's not that you "sinned", so you stop praying. It's that you pray, so eventually you will stop sinning. The Qur'an says:
Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do. (29: 45)
In fact, in a hadith,we are told that our prayers are like a river that cleanse us from our sins. So STICK TO PRAYER, no matter what.
Now, let's discuss the issue of your boyfriend threatening to hurt himself.
a) Tell him gentle terms that "You cannot be responsible for any decision he makes to harm himself. He has to respect and honor his own body. You can tell him, "I care about you. But this relationship is tearing me apart because it is against my religion. I would love if you would please take a look at Islam. But if it’s something you don’t want to accept, then, it’s time for us to go our own different ways. Hurting yourself is not going to help you…and it’s not fair to blackmail me like that. It’s not fair to hold me hostage in this relationship.
b) If he's suffering from clinical depression and you feel that there is a chance for him to really hurt himself (for example you know he has pills or has a problem cutting himself or something like that), you can tell his FAMILY, first. Tell his parents that you can’t continue this relationship but that you are worried about him because he said he will hurt himself.
c) You can also ask the school counselor/ university counselor/ a professional to talk to him.
d) Another idea is if HE threatens you that he will hurt himself, you take out your mobile and tell him that you’re calling the police/ and are going to report the threat.
But as you can see, there is no option of staying put.For one thing, he needs to understand that he cannot depend on you for happiness. He must want to help himself. For another, you’re putting your Hereafter on the line for him.
IF you truly feel that there is a chance of him converting, you should ask him to talk with some brothers/ go to the masjid/ give him websites that will help him. But staying put and risking your own relationship with Allah is not going to help either of you.
May Allah make things easier for you!