A Little Sensitive

The problem here is that .....my friends.. a few of them said, i am a merely fragile person..that i am too sensitive. When they give me criticisms, I try to take it in a positive way and use husn al zan, but, it is also difficult. More and more they are ostracizing me and it's really hurting me. why they can't accept me as i am while i can accept them as they are? i always pray that Allah forgive them and me as well and reward them with happiness. i am so sad. although this problem seems to be a childish-like- problem but being ostracized is very hurt and painful. Kindly to help me dear.

 Dearest Sensitive,

I'm soooo sooo sorry for taking so long to respond to you. I hope you can forgive me.

Your problems don't sound 'silly' at all. Let me remind you that Rasool Allah sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:

Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."

The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said "no sadness or hurt", sister...So big hugs to you.

You know, I'm a pretty sensitive person, myself. For years, it caused me problems between certain relatives and me because I could not understand their sense of humor. I felt that they were "laughing at me"(...when what they really meant was to laugh "with me".). But there were other things, too. Basically, I took things more to heart. A simple comment could really affect me for a long time...and for years to come. Words often left me feeling like a painful paper cut was throbbing in my heart.

And maybe that is because- like you- it is a part of my nature to be sensitive

In fact, I was recently reading an article that discussed a condition known as HSP:  

Take a look at this:

 HSPs suffer from what is called sensory-processing sensitivity and are more susceptible than ordinary people to both internal and external stimuli. "They have an innate tendency to process things more carefully," says Aron, who has devised a test to gauge where one falls on the sensitivity continuum. "They tend to be aware of subtleties and are therefore easily overwhelmed by their feelings." An HSP doesn't just cry while watching a film like The Notebook - she experiences actual grief symptoms. She also reacts strongly to things such as noise and light, and is particularly sensitive to stimulants such as coffee. Typically an HSP demonstrates greater caution and reluctance than the non-HSP population with things such as taking risks, trying new experiences, meeting new people, even venturing to unfamiliar places.

http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/are-you-too-sensitive?page=2

Perhaps you have this condition, yourself..

I don't know.

But does that mean that that is the end? That's it? You are born with an extra sensitive nature and your friends just have to accept it and you live with it?

Actually sis, while you very much could be born with this extra sensitive nature, the problem is that we do not live in an idealistic world where people know what to say and how we take their words. So what we have to do is understand that although we are born with 'extra sensitivity', we can also develop ways to better deal with these feelings.

And in all honesty, we really should try to do that, because this dunya is basically a test...And it tests us in every way. Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala tells us that a characteristic of jannah is that THAT IS THE PLACE WHERE NO HURTFUL WORDS ARE SPOKEN:

They will not hear therein any ill speech - only [greetings of] peace - and they will have their provision therein, morning and afternoon. (62) That is Paradise, which We give as inheritance to those of Our servants who were fearing of Allah.(19:63) 

(And also:

No ill speech will they hear therein or any falsehood - (35) [As] reward from your Lord, [a generous] gift [made due by] account,(36)[From] the Lord of the heavens and the earth and whatever is between them, the Most Merciful. They possess not from Him [authority for] speech. (37

That means, hunny bunch, by account of the Qu'ran itself, you have to realize that this world- this dunya- is a place where you will hear much that will hurt you. 

But, sis, it doesn't have to break you.

First, trying saying a heartfelt 'salam' when you meet your friends. Really sincerely wish for them peace and mercy from Allah. The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam told us that this is a way to spread love between us. Maybe by starting with 'salam', your friends will be reminded of the words 'peace and mercy' and be more gentle with you. 

Second, it's great that you try to use husn al zan..Keep doing that. Realize that a word has many meanings. If your friend says "You look really bad today", maybe they don't actually mean "Eeeow. What a yuck hair style/ horrible outfit", but actually mean "You look really tried/ down/ like something is bothering you." 

Instead of deciding they mean the negative statement, try giving them a chance to explain themselves. Repeat what they said with a question hanging at the end:
second: really bad today? Or just ask them "Sorry, I didn't understand what you meant by that."

Third: remember that a person's words are a reflection of the state they are in and who they are and not who you are. If someone is having a rotten day and says something insensitive to you, don't for one second think that what they said about you is a fact. It is merely a reflection of their own internal state/ the problems they are going through. 

Fourth: explore your sensitive areas and find out what are your biggest 'sensitive triggers'. Think about it. What are the things that really hurt you or make your heart break. Why do you think that happens? Was there something in the past that you haven't overcome yet? Something you need closure with?

Fifth: ^ Continuing with the 4rth step, inform your friends that these areas are really 'red lines' for you. I've personally told a couple of people that my voice is something I'm very sensitive about. Once people know that you are sensitive about this particular area, they are more likely to avoid making fun of it.

Sixth: Build your own self-esteem and confidence. Love yourself more, sister. Take a personal development course or read personal development articles and books: http://www.bbc.co.uk/learning/subjects/personal_development.shtml

http://dawnbarclay.com/99-personal-development-questions-your-brain-can-thank-you-for.

Work out in the gym. Exercise. Eat well. These things really affect how we feel about ourselves and in turn how we view other people's comments. 

Seventh: Make new friends, as well :) Meet people from different places....perhaps these friends don't really understand you as much as you understand them or care about them. Try to make new friendships and meet other people, as well. The more people you know, the less you are influenced by a single person's comments, inshaAllah.

Eighth: Make dua :) 

Well, sister, I hope these ideas help you a bit...and the other sisters can also share their ideas, as well. 

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