Constantly Arguing

Salam Sisters!

I am university student who has a quick question.
 Me and my older sister don’t get on at all and I want to make a difference but she just doesn’t listen to me at all, I try and be patient and tell her nicely but she still doesn’t listen. What should I do, she is getting married in 5 months and I will be back at Uni so won’t see her very often. How should I act toward her, I’m just so lost.

Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,

It's great that you want to improve your relationship with your sister! Ma'shaAllah. Now, here's the thing....you talk about 'telling her something nicely'....and wanting her to 'listen to you'. 

My question is: do you listen to her? And no, I don't mean 'let the air waves carry the sound of her voice to your ears'...I mean, really LISTEN to her.

Have you ever considered her view point?

Now, I'm not talking about something that the Sharia says is haram. You didn't mention what it is exactly that you disagree on...but the thing to keep in mind is that sometimes there is more than one way to see the picture. Perhaps you look at a zebra and think that it is black with white stripes, and she looks at it and thinks that it is white with black stripes. Neither one of you is wrong. You just see things differently.

The trouble arises when you try to force her to see it the way you see it. As human beings, we want our view points to be considered/ respected/ validated. We dislike feeling pressured into seeing things a certain way. Chances are, if you just tell her, "I can see your point but I still see things differently", that will solve a lot of trouble.

Try to use these ways to express disagreement (I'm taking a couple of them from e-how :P):

• "Interesting––it seems we have different points of view. Do you mind if I explain where I'm coming from?"
• "Really? I've had some different experiences that make me see things a little differently. Can I tell you what I think?
• "How about we try your way one time and try my way one time?"
• "You know, while I still think we have different approaches, I understand yours a little better now....

The other thing to do if you want your relationship to be better is to ask HER what it is that she's waiting for :)

Try telling her or writing to her something like the following: I really want our relationship to be better and I'm really sorry if I've done something to hurt you.  What can I do to make this situation right?"

Remember....as siblings, you guys don't necessarily have to be best friends or see everything eye to eye. But you should be polite to each other and have a generally good relationship with each other. She should know that she can count on you and that you will miss her when she gets married :) Tell her that. Invite her to eat out with you at a restaurant when you're both free. Surprise her with a small gift. Thank her for the small things she does for you (things even like making you tea, etc. :P). Send her a funny joke in an email or on facebook. Give her a nice Islamic message on her mobile...whatever. She will appreciate all of these things :)

Think of how you would treat your good friends....and treat your sister the same (if not better). Your relationship will soon improve, inshaAllah :)

May Allah make things easier for you,