From Crush to Crush

>> Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I'm a student in university in a non-Muslim country and I know that this is silly and kind of embarrassing but I am constantly going from crush to crush.  I don't know why this happens to me all the time, I guess I get bored and feel like I need to think and dream about being with someone. I realize that it doesn't make sense since I don't know these boys' personalities either, they might be total creeps!  I know I should be patient because Allaah has already planned who I will marry but I am wasting a lot of time because of all of this and I don't feel I can do a good job at that. So, how do I stop going from one crush to another??

Asalamu ailakaum!

It's not silly or embarrassing. It's a really good question!

The answer is kinda complicated though because the truth is that Allah created men and women naturally attracted to each other. When we're with the other gender, our instincts kick in. And, boy, can they kick! It doesn't help either that single ladies tend to have some kind of internal radar that is always on the lookout for a potential hubster/companion/the love of our lives.

So basically,  the more people you meet, the more crushes or temptation you'll probably face.

 Plus, with all the movies around us and media telling us that we are meant to find 'someone to complete us'- 'a soul mate' who will love us and who will make our lives perfect - it's not really a surprise that you keep having crushes and dreaming about them. 

But that's the thing. 

You have to start by changing your belief system.

You don't need someone to complete you or make you happy.

There is no perfect man who will be able to give you a perfect life. 

If you are bored with your life now, a man will not be able to change that for you. Yes, in the initial stages you may find yourself completely 'in love/ excited/ always feeling happy', but as the initial stages wear off, soon enough you will be confronted with the real person...warts, nose picking and all! ;) 

 The reality is that here on earth- everyone has their own flaws, moods, quirks, and baggage. If you’re dreaming of someone perfect who’s going to know what to say/ do/ act all of the time, then you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment. No 'man'/ 'person' has the solution to everything. . The only One capable of that is Allah.

Also, this dunya is not Hollywood. Our lives here are not meant to be perfect, either. You will always have struggles to face...This is the 'dar of tests". I say that in case you are using your dreams of marriage to escape any harsh reality you are going through. 

Okay, but is that all??

I've got some more tips for you, hunny.

1. Lower your gaze :)  It has been related that the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam once said words to the effect:
"The glance is a poisoned arrow of Shaytan. Whoever lowers his gaze for Allah, He will bestow upon him a refreshing sweetness, which he will find in his heart on the day he meets Him."
I liked these two sentences from an article: Shaytan enters with the glance, for he travels with it, faster then the wind blowing through an empty place. He makes what is seen appear more beautiful then it really is, and transforms it in to an idol for the heart to worship.

2. Avoid free-mixing. When you are at university, and it's your lunch time or free hours, make sure you're only hanging out with sisters.  If your friends are eating together with the opposite gender, find somewhere else to sit. Keep contact with the males only in professional contexts (and as much as possible, as limited as possible).  

3. Don't let your imagination run wild. You said it, yourself. These guys could be creeps. Remind yourself again and again that you don't know these guys..and that when you think you are 'in love with them', you are really in love with the image you have created of them. It is your imagination that has turned them into hero characters and not actually who they are. 

4. Get busy!  Focus your energy and time on some project you've always wanted to start. Seek ilm. Join Islamic groups/ attend webinars/ etc. Volunteer! Join a club at university. Go to an all girl's gym. Do something to occupy your time and THOUGHTs so that you don't keep thinking about the guys.

5. Try cooking and cleaning for an entire week and taking care of the house. See how 'exciting' that is. Realize that marriage is WORK and not just romance :)

 Don't give them too much importance. They are just crushes. As cruel as that sounds, just keep reminding yourself that this feeling is going to go away. That's what crushes do. They fade with time :) It's when you give it importance that they keep staying...

7.  Make dua. Ask Allah to help you get over these crushes. Ask Him for a wonderful, pious husband and peace at heart. Ask Allah to reward your patience and sacrifice for His sake.

3 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Fida Islaih June 10, 2014 at 7:05 AM  

These are really helpful reminders/tips! Thank you!

Anonymous,  June 26, 2014 at 8:53 AM  

Get married if u fear zina.

Afsah Farooq July 23, 2014 at 8:37 AM  

Best advice sisi...i wish i had this advice b4 marriage

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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