>> Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I know you guys are on vacation but lately I have been so depressed and have no one to talk to, I thought I would turn this in and you could take your time to answer.
Basically, my story is simple. I was not a very practicing Muslim girl in my first year of university. I was lost but Alhumdullah, Allah showed me the way. I won't get into details, but I did have a guy friend and we were "unofficially" seeing each other. Then, SubhanAllah, I found Islam and I knew our relationship was wrong so I left him. I told him it had to stop and I gave him back all of his presents in one single day. He was really shocked. I felt bad at how I did it, actually, but I knew if I looked back, I would not be able to stop. Well, as time went on, I grew more committed to our beautiful deen but unfortunately, I found that my best friend and I were no longer getting along as well. We were drifting apart and there wasn't too much in common between us anymore. It was really difficult to see us going in different directions. I always thought we would be at each other's weddings and we would be sisters and friends forever. But the biggest problem is that a few weeks ago, a mutual friend told me that my 'ex best friend' is now going out with the guy I used to know.I was shocked to say the least. I don't know what to say but I felt really betrayed by them. I know I am the one who left him though and I shouldn't care, so that's why I want your advice. How do I get over these ridiculous feelings and move on....
Lost And Confused.
Dear Lost and Confused,
First of all, may I apologize to all the sisters who sent in questions during our vacation time. I know it's been like a month and we've been replying to your e-mails at an incredibly slow pace...Let's just say that so far, it hasn't been a 'vacation' in the real sense and we've been really busy... I sincerely apologize.
Anyways..on to this letter....
My darling! This STINKS big time that your 'ex-best friend' went with your *cough* unofficial ex-guy friend. Who can blame you for feeling jealous/ betrayed/ hurt? I can imagine how much it hurts. Now.... I could easily sit down and 'vilify' your 'x-friend's behavior'. I could talk about how that's not a true friend's behavior and all that stuff and how you're better off without the two of them and look how horrid they are. Nasty people who deserve each other.... But ....
Would that really help you? I can't really say. So instead, I'm going to tell you a different way of looking at it...
Perhaps, before you and the guy were 'you know together', she had feelings for him. Maybe she was 'jealous' the whole time you were together. I mean, think about it. You guys were best friends. You probably had the same taste in like everything....why wouldn't you have the same taste in guys? Or maybe they just kept hanging out and got interested in each other. I mean here's the thing. I get the idea that you changed and became more religious? But she didn't? So in many ways, she was still a lot like the 'old you'. Can you understand why they 'might have hooked up', then? Because they are still in that stage that you were- back in the beginning of university. They haven't progressed/ matured spiritually/ religiously as you have, ma'shaAllah...
BUT, I want to make it clear that I don't agree with their behavior. At all. Not even a teensy weensy bit. I'm just saying that in order to get over it, you have to try and see it from their perspective. The truth is that we as humans are really weak. I mean, let's say that you had been Islamically married to the guy and she was your sister. You know that Isalmically she wouldn't be allowed to sit by herself with him? The prophet sallah allahoo Alyhee wa salam warned us that brothers in law are DEATH. If that's the case with married people, what about unmarried people? You get me?
So how do you work through your feelings?
1. Accept that when you ended the relationship you might not have done it the best way possible but it was the best thing to do and that you and the guy were actually moving in different directions. You were no longer comfortable with a haraam relationship or with your parent's trust being broken. You and him were becoming different people...
2. Realize that any 'feelings' you have left for him are just the 'feelings' of nostalgia for 'funner times'. It's sorta like you are homesick for a country you left...But if you were to go back to that home country you would find that everything is different now. As we said, you are different now. So, you gotta make sure that you get rid of any e-mails, messages, etc. anything that you might have kept of him ...You can even write your favorite memory down, put it in a box, and bury it away and tell is goodbye.
3. Don't imagine what 'amazing' time they are having together. Don't let your imagination get carried away. For all you know, they might be arguing with each other all the time; or they might regret this relationship in 2 years time and look back at as their worst mistake...etc.
4. Think about how you were meant to be with someone else. Maybe right now, your Mr. Right for You, is dreaming of his future wife...wondering what great things you are going to do anything.
5. Make dua for a wonderful, pious husband and peace at heart. Ask Allah to reward your patience and sacrifice for His sake.
6. Get busy. You know the drill. This is what we always say, right? :) Focus your energy and time on some project you've always wanted to start.
May Allah grant you someone who makes you laugh, loves you, treats you well, and helps you come closer to Allah =)
Lots of love,