the Ex (Best Friend and Guy Friend)

>> Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I know you guys are on vacation but lately I have been so depressed and have no one to talk to, I thought I would turn this in and you could take your time to answer.
Basically, my story is simple. I was not a very practicing Muslim girl in my first year of university. I was lost but Alhumdullah, Allah showed me the way. I won't get into details, but I did have a guy friend and we were "unofficially" seeing each other. Then, SubhanAllah, I found Islam and I knew our relationship was wrong so I left him. I told him it had to stop and I gave him back all of his presents in one single day. He was really shocked. I felt bad at how I did it, actually, but I knew if I looked back, I would not be able to stop. Well, as time went on, I grew more committed to our beautiful deen but unfortunately, I found that my best friend and I were no longer getting along as well. We were drifting apart and there wasn't too much in common between us anymore. It was really difficult to see us going in different directions. I always thought we would be at each other's weddings and we would be sisters and friends forever. But the biggest problem is that a few weeks ago, a mutual friend told me that my 'ex best friend' is now going out with the guy I used to know.I was shocked to say the least. I don't know what to say but I felt really betrayed by them. I know I am the one who left him though and I shouldn't care, so that's why I want your advice. How do I get over these ridiculous feelings and move on....

Lost And Confused.

Dear Lost and Confused,

First of all, may I apologize to all the sisters who sent in questions during our vacation time. I know it's been like a month and we've been replying to your e-mails at an incredibly slow pace...Let's just say that so far, it hasn't been a 'vacation' in the real sense and we've been really busy... I sincerely apologize.

Anyways..on to this letter....

My darling! This STINKS big time that your 'ex-best friend' went with your *cough* unofficial ex-guy friend. Who can blame you for feeling jealous/ betrayed/ hurt? I can imagine how much it hurts. Now.... I could easily sit down and 'vilify' your 'x-friend's behavior'. I could talk about how that's not a true friend's behavior and all that stuff and how you're better off without the two of them and look how horrid they are. Nasty people who deserve each other.... But ....

Would that really help you? I can't really say. So instead, I'm going to tell you a different way of looking at it...

Perhaps, before you and the guy were 'you know together', she had feelings for him. Maybe she was 'jealous' the whole time you were together. I mean, think about it. You guys were best friends. You probably had the same taste in like everything....why wouldn't you have the same taste in guys? Or maybe they just kept hanging out and got interested in each other. I mean here's the thing. I get the idea that you changed and became more religious? But she didn't? So in many ways, she was still a lot like the 'old you'. Can you understand why they 'might have hooked up', then? Because they are still in that stage that you were- back in the beginning of university. They haven't progressed/ matured spiritually/ religiously as you have, ma'shaAllah...

BUT, I want to make it clear that I don't agree with their behavior. At all. Not even a teensy weensy bit.  I'm just saying that in order to get over it, you have to try and see it from their perspective. The truth is that we as humans are really weak. I mean, let's say that you had been Islamically married to the guy and she was your sister. You know that Isalmically she wouldn't be allowed to sit by herself with him? The prophet sallah allahoo Alyhee wa salam warned us that brothers in law are DEATH. If that's the case with married people, what about unmarried people? You get me? 

So how do you work through your feelings?

1. Accept that when you ended the relationship you might not have done it the best way possible but it was the best thing to do and that you and the guy were actually moving in different directions. You were no longer comfortable with a haraam relationship or with your parent's trust being broken. You and him were becoming different people...

2. Realize that any 'feelings' you have left for him are just the 'feelings' of nostalgia for 'funner times'. It's sorta like you are homesick for a country you left...But if you were to go back to that home country you would find that everything is different now. As we said, you are different now. So, you gotta make sure that you get rid of any e-mails, messages, etc. anything that you might have kept of him ...You can even write your favorite memory down, put it in a box, and bury it away and tell is goodbye.

3. Don't imagine what 'amazing' time they are having together. Don't let your imagination get carried away. For all you know, they might be arguing with each other all the time; or they might regret this relationship in 2 years time and look back at as their worst mistake...etc.

4. Think about how you were meant to be with someone else. Maybe right now, your Mr. Right for You, is dreaming of his future wife...wondering what great things you are going to do anything.

5. Make dua for a wonderful, pious husband and peace at heart. Ask Allah to reward your patience and sacrifice for His sake. 

6. Get busy. You know the drill. This is what we always say, right? :) Focus your energy and time on some project you've always wanted to start.

May Allah grant you someone who makes you laugh, loves you, treats you well, and helps you come closer to Allah =)

Lots of love,

7 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Aziza July 26, 2011 at 8:28 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ghadeer July 27, 2011 at 5:11 AM  

Very useful advice, especially your second point. Many times, we miss old times even if they were wrong because of the false sense of happiness we were in at the time. If you were to go back to him, you'd be really unhappy because you're not the same person anymore..

Shireen Baig July 28, 2011 at 12:30 AM  

I LOVE the 2nd comment! and Little Auntie ;) you know the kind of country that i come from :P

I was so excited to see this question, ah i feel happpy :D

To the sister, I know it's hard to move on,but really its just about setting our priorities straight. Everything we do, we should try to do it for the pleasure of Allah swt, I know u might think easier said than done. But honestly, been there done that. no good results.

Stay strong, Stick to the deen :D
Dont fret over what couldve been!
You've changed ur life to please ur lord,
he will bless you in a way you never thought.

So shoo that depression away,
With a bright smile, face each day
don't let the sadness stay
now let me give u squishy hugs
ofcourse in a sisterly way :P

Random poem, sorry :P but cheer up! inshallah!

Anonymous,  July 28, 2011 at 9:26 AM  

wow. love the post!! and the comments. great advice, MashaAllah. Oh and to the Sister who turned in this question, rewind a few months (january, i think?) and i was facing the EXACT similar situation, so i can totally relate to how weird you may be feeling right now, and how weird you may feel when you see em together at college, etc etc. Oh and i also sought advice from Lil Auntie! :P Sister, you'll get through this time inshaAllah, and then you'll look back after some time and see what a blessing in disguise this time you're going through, was for you, especially considering the fact that you have grown spiritually MashaAllah and how your thinking and decisions wouldnt have matched anymore with that guy's.. Or even with that ex-friend. I will pray for you inshaAllah, and all the sisters going through the same!

Anonymous,  July 29, 2011 at 1:36 AM  

I want to say "thank you so much" to the sister who posted this question. As Muslim girls living in western countries (away from homeland), this is a common problem. I can relate to most of it... very glad to finally find a beautiful answer little aunty. Sister, just know that many more sisters like you are struggling to cope with this. And I remind myself before anyone here, that we should have this one thought at the back of your mind - Without doubt this is the best decision as it can bring me closer to Allah, family, and things which should be more important -

Little Auntie July 30, 2011 at 12:49 AM  

Aziza, I noticed that, too! SubhanAllah, lots of people coming back to the deen, alhamdillah :)Ameen to your beautiful dua. Alhamdillah for your parents who had your best interest at heart :D

Jnana, well said! 'false' sense of happiness...that's the key word :) Jazakillah khair :D

Shireen, I loved that poem :)I may just put it up somewhere (giving you full credit,though :D)

Anony! Hugs <3 Exactly...

Anonymous, #2- that's right. It's the best decision as it should bring you closer to Allah, family and things which should be more important.

Baraka Allah feekum :)

Anonymous,  August 7, 2011 at 3:16 AM  

when i began to read this question.. for a moment i wondered if it was me who had sent it.. sounds stupid but seriously something very similar happened to me!! .. But alhumdulillah Allah's mercy i have been guided to my deen again! ..
But its so hard when I have to see him with this friend (who i considered my good friend) everyday! They are like best friends too.. infact coz they are not muslims .. they come to college together too..they meet at weekends, go for movies.. etc etc it hurts! :( .. Any advices on how to avoid being depressed abt what I cant have and focus more on just studying in coll and not going into depression n moving away from Allah again??

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
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