Wanting a Child

>> Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Salaam,

I am a revert muslimah married to a revert.
Alhumduliah, i have been married for 6 years but i dont have any child yet. I live alone and i am depressed my soul is dead.
I feel as if Allah (swt) is punishing me for choosing a basic lifestyle over Islamic studies (which i quited).
I love Quran and i want to learn to read and understand Quran so that i have a strong bond with Allah (Swt), and i want to do this before I have any children so i can teach Quran to my children.
I have tried to study online but it is imposible for those for are super orgainzed in life, for me it is only a dream.
I want your suggestions on weather to go for Islamic studies (abroad) & encourage my husband to have 2nd wife (while me still being married to him) or just stay with my husband and carry on fertility treatment? my IVF is due in about 2 years time or shall i go for 2 years and come back to do fertility treatment.


jazakaumAllah

wa'aalykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,

Dearest Muslimah Revert.

My heart ached for you when I read your letter. SubhanAllah, what you and your husband have been going through can be one of the hardest and most painful trials any couple can face. 

I want to offer you a big hug RIGHT now. 

And I want you to understand something. There is no sign that this is a punishment for you. Prophet Ibrahim couldn't have children for such an incredibly long time. Zakariah in the Qur'an also couldn't have children until he was very old. These were both very righteous people, SubhanAllah. I mean, come on....Prophet Ibrahim!! Not having children is not necessarily a punishment from Allah, at ALL. It could very well be the opposite. It could be a trial meant to elevate your ranks and bring you closer to Allah. It could be that you are destined for a really incredibly amazing place in paradise but you're not going there by your deeds but patience...

 Remember- the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said: "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials."  

The prophet (peace be upon him) said: "The greatness of the reward is tied to the greatness of the trial. When Allah loves a people, He puts them to the trial. Whoever is acceptant of it will have Allah's acceptance and whoever is displeased and unacceptant with it will gain Allah's displeasure." [At-Tirmidhi Kitab At-Tauhid]

I understand that you 'left/ quit' Islamic studies. But that doesn't mean that Allah is punishing you. Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala could have already decreed before you quit the Islamic studies that you wouldn't have children for a while....I know we sometimes want explanations and think it's easier if we can find 'someone/something to blame'-but that's really not going to fix the situation. 

The truth is, Allah says in the Qur'an:

To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth; He creates what he wills. He gives to whom He wills female [children], and He gives to whom He wills males. (49) Or He makes them [both] males and females, and He renders whom He wills barren. Indeed, He is Knowing and Competent. (50) (Surat Al Shura)

^You might think- how is that suppose to comfort me?

Well, I'm trying to let you 'release'/ 'free yourself' from self-hatred/ negativity. It was never up to you or under your power to grant yourself children. It was never up to the doctors either. It's all in Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala's Hands and He is the Most Merciful, Most Wise, and Capable of doing All things. 

Nothing is impossible when it comes to Allah subhanoo wa' Tala. 

The most important thing is to keep having hope and praying to Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala. My own uncle had to wait 6 years and several miscarriages before having a baby, alhamdillah. I'm sure if you check the Internet, you'll see many stories of couples who had to wait a long time but ended up having a baby :)

You can also do a lot of istighfaar because Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala says in the Qur'an:
And said, 'Ask forgiveness of your Lord. Indeed, He is ever a Perpetual Forgiver. (10)He will send [rain from] the sky upon you in [continuing] showers (11) And give you increase in wealth and children and provide for you gardens and provide for you rivers. (12)  (Surat Nuh)


You know Muhammad Al Shareef? He spent like 7 years also trying to have a baby. See here what he says:


AS for letting your husband take a second wife....that's very considerate of you, my darling. Are you sure you'll be able to deal with that, though?. If you feel that you could deal with it and would not resent his second wife/ the possible children from her, that's always an idea. You can bring it up with him and ask him what he feels/ wants. You can continue your fertility treatment and also bring up the issue with him. See how he feels. Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel. Talk to people who have been in that situation. Do you know ANYBODY like that? Try reading blogs of women in polygamous situations. Get in touch with people who have gone through what you're going through. Ask them what it's like...prepare yourself with knowledge. Things aren't always rosy but it doesn't mean that it's impossible...

What else?

I want you to know something. You have a beautiful soul and it's time you nourish it :) You've got to fall back in love with YOURSELF. Your life should not revolve around waiting 'for the fertility treatment to work'. Try volunteering somewhere, kickstarting your own blog, joining support groups. Wake up and decide that today is your day. 

Remember: happiness is a decision.

You can also join a weekly halaqah at least if you want to continue some Islamic studies. Try going to the Friday khutbah and talking to more sisters..What about planning a Umrah trip with your husband? What about bringing toys to the orphanage? Talk to your husband about making some kind of goal together :)


I know this isn't too much, but I pray that Allah grants you the comfort of your eyes and happiness. May Allah make things easier for you. I hope the sisters can give us their encouraging words as well. 

Lots of love,





8 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Maria July 28, 2011 at 12:07 AM  

<3 this...2 amazing people in one blog post :) but if you are reading this (the person who wrote the letter) you are one amazing person! I can tell from reading a little letter from you. Your soul is alive & amazing. Don't be low. My aunt went 10 years without a child. She had 4 miscarriages and 3 stillbirths along the way. ALLAHAMDULLIAH she now has a beautiful 1 year old daughter. There is an Urdu saying, "Dayer hai lakin andher Nahee" meaning "there is wait, but not hopelessness" (sorry my urdu isn't perfect so not the most perfect translation) but it's true...ALLAHTALLAH is waiting, and He knows best. :) INSHALLAH though, we all pray that ALLAHTALLAH doesn't wait too long. I agree with the Little Auntie though...get yourself busy, plan an Umrah trip, start up a Friday Islamic group if you don't already have one, etc. Wishing the best for you sister :)

-Sis Maria

x@hu July 28, 2011 at 11:02 AM  

I'm not married, so I really can't empathize with your feelings, but I wanted to tell you something dear sister, and I hope you can take some comfort in it.

I was brought up by an amazing woman who never begrudged Allah's decision to make her barren. Yes, it made her sad at times, but she trusted in His judgement, stayed constant in her prayers and He rewarded her by still making her a mother despite being unable to conceive.

Allah's plans for us are mysterious and profound, but whatever He plans, it's always what's best for us. I'm an orphan, but Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala blessed me with parents who couldn't have doted on me more if I had been their own flesh and blood.

My mother raised me and another child, a son, from birth and she always says that we're the greatest blessing Allah ever gave her. Hehehe, she calls us her special ticket to Jannah insha Allah!

I learned from my mother that being unable to conceive is not Allah's punishment. It's not His way of depriving you, it's His way of ensuring that you're free to do something else more favorable to Him. Mum says it taught her patience, gave her strength, and masha Allah improved her relationship with Allah.

Also, it's not something that should hang over your head like a cloud and it's not something that if Allah wills, will prevent you from experiencing the joy of motherhood.

One of my aunts is married into a family who has trouble with fertility. One couple had to wait thirteen years before Allah blessed them with a child and there is another couple, married for twenty years, but Allah still hasn't answered their prayers.

What I'm saying is, though I've never experienced it myself, I've seen first hand how it is when Allah delays or deprives the blessing of children. But maybe it's because I've never seen my mother cry about it or maybe it's her cheerful attitude, but I've never thought it's something to be depressed about.

I've always thought that if Allah subhanahu wa ta'aala has destined for me to be childless, I would follow in my mother's footsteps. The Prophet (sallalaahu alayhi wasallam) himself has said that the one who fosters an orphan will be close to him in Jannah just like the closeness between two fingers. It's a happy reward to strive for, isn't it?

You should get started with your fertility treatments. I would advise you not to delay them because IVF is not 100% guaranteed. It may take once or it may take several tries for it to succeed. One of my cousin's relatives recently got pregnant by IVF after trying unsuccessfully for five years.

Another thing you could do is maybe look into the orphan option? You could see if you and your husband would be comfortable with it. It largely depends on the husband too I guess. My mother certainly couldn't have done it if my father hadn't stood by her. He never took another wife and alhamdulillahi they were happy together for more than forty years before he passed away. (I came into their lives after they've been together for more than twenty years)

Dearest sis, try not to be depressed ok? Letting the misfortunes of the world overcome you is one way of being consumed with this world and forgetting that this is only a temporary abode. Just remember that any grief, any hardship you sustain here will be rewarded. Keep that happy thought in mind when sadness comes.

Who knows, maybe Allah is saving you from having a really horrible child or something. Or maybe He's waiting for just the right time to gift you with an amazing child! Allah loves you, and in the end, He'll always do what will make you the happiest. Have faith in that :)

I truly pray that Allah subahanu wa ta'aala answer your du'aa soon and gift you with children who will be a blessing for you in this life and in the hereafter. Ameen.

Little Auntie July 28, 2011 at 11:01 PM  

^ Ma'shaAllah, what a nice saying, Maria: there is wait but not hopelessness :)

Xahu, I e-mailed the sister your comment. Jazakillah khair. What a special woman you mother is, ma'shaAllah. May Allah make the man who raised you, her husband's grave a garden of paradise and elevate his status. May He grant them jannatul firdaous."

jazakillah for taking the time to write such a wonderful comment :)

Anonymous,  August 3, 2011 at 9:07 AM  

awww jazakaumAllah for your comments so sweet of you all may our Lord love you all and reward you for your efforts.:)

I know everything in this world is just a trst for us but the real and ever lasting thing is the pleasure of Allah (swt).

but my husband is really getting upset about it when i ask him to have patience he just accuses me of not sincerly trying to have a baby. :(

Little Auntie August 10, 2011 at 12:31 AM  

^ I'm so sorry to read that.

I'm sure you've tried fertility charting, right? But, if you haven't, show him that you're trying your best by recording your temperature and other fertility signs:

http://www.justmommies.com/articles/fertility-charting.shtml

http://www.justmommies.com/articles/ovulation-prediction-kit.shtml

Other things to do is to eat right:
http://www.babycenter.com/0_trying-to-conceive-five-changes-to-make-to-your-diet-now_3558.bc

Go through these tips with him: http://www.justmommies.com/articles/how-to-get-pregnant.shtml

and just tell him that you're trying your best but it's not in your hands....SubhanAllah.

Muslima August 14, 2011 at 1:47 AM  

Mashallah you have a strong heart sister, what more can I say.You think of allowing your husband for a second wife. You dont have to. As little auntie quoted To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth; He creates what he wills. He gives to whom He wills female [children], and He gives to whom He wills males. (49) Or He makes them [both] males and females, and He renders whom He wills barren. Indeed, He is Knowing and Competent. (50) (Surat Al Shura)
Inshallah Inshallah Allah will bless you witha helthy child very soon :0- All my prayers are with you. May God bless you and your husband and give you the strenght to bear this short time patiently Inshallah.

natural fertility September 22, 2011 at 3:10 AM  

Do not think that Allah have punished you. You have to make a choice of your own which ever makes you happy. You can still enroll in some Islamic schools near you at the same time stay with your husband. With regards to you fertility concerns, I have found this site that maybe helpful. http://www.natural-fertility-prescription.com

Anonymous,  January 4, 2012 at 11:04 AM  

Assalamualikum wa rahmat Allaahi wa barakatuh
I dun know what exactly I liked on this blog that I without viewing all ove, JOINED the blog, (I have exam tomorrow and I have no time to reading any other things that's why ... )

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Asalamu aialkum!
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