Wife beating

I'm really sorry im struggling with the whole " beating woman " is allowed in islam..
my husband can hurt me if he wishes ..my dad hits my mom but he will still get heaven but what if my husband hurts me... what can i do? in the muslim socitey a divorced woman is like trash.. and Aisha was 9!
and jihad ? killing non believers ?
im so sorry but all these things scare me i lot
i do not want to be disrespectful i am really not
im struggling to understand ..i am trying.. even when i pray i have the thoughts in the back of my mind...
n sister u might tell me its Satan but itd me not getting it .. i am sorry
im very depressed coz of this i get nightmares

Dear Struggling Sis,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time. InshaAllah, we’ll be able to shed some light on a few things because I do think there are several problems you’re facing. First of all, if your father beats your mom (and I really hope he doesn’t), your father is accountable for that. And no, he is not guaranteed heaven. For any action that we do- we are held accountable and will be judged on it.

The Qur’an says: And when you are greeted with a greeting, greet [in return] with one better than it or [at least] return it [in a like manner]. Indeed, Allah is ever, over all things, an Accountant. (4: 86)

If Allah takes into account whether we return a simple greeting or not, He will certainly take into account whether a husband beats his wife or not, whether the husband is oppressing his wife or not. 

You see, Islam never said that men can go about beating their wives tyrannically. Instead, Islam makes it very clear that wives deserve to be respected, cherished, and treated gently with love. Islam has explained that both husbands and wives have rights on each other:

And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them as regards to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.) [2:228].

Have I not heard that you fast all day and stay up all night in prayer?” ‘Abdullah said, “That is true, O Messenger of Allah.” The Prophet (Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa saalm) told him: “Do not do that. Fast and break your fast, sleep and get up. For your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you, your wife has a right over you, and your visitors have a right over you.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

In another verse, the Qura’n says: And live with them honorably


In fact, the Prophet (sallah Allah alyahee wa salaam) said that the best people are those that are the best to their wives.

“The believer who has the most perfect faith is the one whose behaviour is best, and the best of you are the ones who are best to their women.”

Some women came to the family of the Prophet (Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam.) complaining about their husbands. So the Prophet (Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) announced to the men:

“Many women have visited the family of Muhammad, complaining about their husbands. Verily those are not the best among you.”

He also said that women are ‘fragile’ (delicate). How would you treat something 'fragile'? Would you beat it?

The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said: Treat women kindly, for woman was created from a rib. The part of it that is most bent is the top. If you try to straighten it you will break it, and if you leave it alone it will remain bent. So treat women kindly.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

The Quran makes it clear that we should treat our spouses with mercy and love.

 "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them , and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect." (Ar-Rum 30:21)

. . . live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good." (Qur’an 4:19)

Khawlah, the daughter of Hakim, who was the wife of ‘Uthman ibn Maz‘un (Radiya Allah Anhuma), came to the wives of the Prophet (Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam.) wearing a tattered dress and looking unkempt. They asked her, “What is wrong with you?” She told them about her husband: “At night he stays up in prayer, and during the day he fasts.” They told the Prophet (Sallah allahoo alyhee wa salam) what she had said, so when he saw ‘Uthman ibn Maz‘un, he admonished him and said, “Do you not have an example in me?” ‘Uthman said, “Of course, may Allah (S.W.T.) cause me to be sacrificed for you!” Later, she (Khawlah) came back wearing fine clothes and with a pleasant scent. According to another report, the Prophet (S.A.W.) told him: “O ‘Uthman, monasticism has not been prescribed for us. Do you not have an example in me? For by Allah (S.W.T), I am the one out of all of you who fears Allah (S.W.T.) the most and keeps most strictly within His bounds.”

If the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam reprimanded that Companion and all he was doing was praying a lot and fasting and said that he wasn't giving his wife his rights in that way- what do you think he would have told someone who was oppressing his wife and beating her?

In fact, the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam made sure to remind people about the importance of taking care of women in his khutbat al wa'daa- the Farewell Pilgrimage. This is the khutbah in which the Prophet (S.A.W.) reiterated the essential points of Islam, when he realized that this was the last time he would stand and address the Muslims during Hajj.

“Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God.” [Mishkat]

Futhermore, in another event, the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam was even recorded as saying:

 Could any of you beat your wife as he would a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?" This hadith clearly demonstrates the Prophet's disapproval of beating wives.

Now, there is one ayah that you might be thinking of. However, we have to keep in mind all of
the previous verses and hadiths to understand this one correctly. Islam is a comprehensive whole- taking one verse and dismissing all the previous verses we have already mentioned and the hadiths, means that you distort Islamic teachings. Allah (SWT) says in the Quran:

"…As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great." (An-Nisa’ 4:34)

First of all, what is meant by the word beating? Ibn `Abbas and several others said that the Ayah refers to a beating that is not violent. Al-Hasan Al-Basri said that it means, a beating that is not severe. It is a beating that does not leave marks or injuries on the body. No marks or injuries.

Second, we have to realize that this verse first puts other measures to be used and in the order they should be used: first, the husband is told to ‘admonish’ or reprimand his wife. IF that doesn’t work, then he can sleep in a separate bed from hers. As a final and last resort, it says that he may lightly hit here. It has also been translated as percuss, which is the way a doctor taps someone.

However, what is even more important about this verse is that this verse explains ‘when’ it is allowed. You see, the ‘default’ is that ‘hitting your wife’ is not allowed. This verse provides the exception-

Let us take a look at the tafsir of a classical scholar named Ibn Kathir for the verse 4:35

When the Wife Obeys Her Husband, Means of Annoyance Against Her are Prohibited
Allaah said,
[فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلاَ تَبْغُواْ عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلاً]
“…but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance),”meaning, when the wife obeys her husband in all that Allaah has allowed, then no means of annoyance from the husband are allowed against his wife. Therefore, in this case, the husband does not have the right to beat her or shun her bed. Allaah’s statement,
[إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيّاً كَبِيراً]
“Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” reminds men that if they transgress against their wives without justification, then Allaah, the Ever Most High, Most Great, is their Protector, and He will exert revenge on those who transgress against their wives and deal with them.
[وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُواْ حَكَماً مِّنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَماً مِّنْ أَهْلِهَآ إِن يُرِيدَآ إِصْلَـحاً يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَآ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيماً خَبِيراً ]

In fact, once, a man went to complain to Omar Bin Al-Khattab about his wife. To his surprise, he heard Al-Khattab’s wife raising her voice over him. He started to slip away but Omar bin al Khattab came out and asked him what it is that he had wanted. He told him that he had come to complain that his wife would raise his voice over him but found that Omar bin al Khattab’s wife did the same! Omar bin al Khattab then explained that his wife took care of his house for him and his children and how she put up with him- he should also be patient and kind with her.

This is what the companions of the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam were taught. This is what Islam showed them. Think about it. Before Omar bin al Khattab was a Muslim, he was one of the men who had buried his daughters alive. But when Islam came, he realized the importance of women and honoring them- and he was teaching others the importance of being patient and kind with wives.

I pray your father learns the true teachings of Islam and he begins to treat your mother correctly. And I ask you for a teensy weensy favor- please don't judge Islam by what your father does because there are big chances your father is not following Islam correctly. May Allah ease your mother's hardship and guide us all.

As for your question regarding jihad, hunny, please check our article called "Kill Those Kaafirs".

And keep on writing to us and staying in touch. As always, we want this conversation to continue....and we'd love/ hope if the other sisters could also contribute with their own insights/ recommended videos and articles. We didn't have much time to answer this question as thoroughly as we wanted- you guys know we're on vacation- but we hope this helps reassure you a bit...

With love,