A Good Man is Hard to Find

>> Sunday, September 11, 2011

I'm surrounded by guys and fitna, and there's all this pressure to get married or engaged. It's really starting to get to me. I guess my basic question is: how do I maintain my deen and iman and still find a good guy and deal with temptation.
I'm really confused so I hope you can help. INSHALLAH!

Dearest Single N' Wanting to Get Married,

Asalamu aliaukam!,

Oh sister...Let me guess your situation.

You're a little older than 25 and every other month, some friend or cousin announces she's getting married. You're starting to freak out- where is your Mr. Hubby' and more importantly why hasn't he made his grand entrance, yet...? Your mom's probably on your back (like we can just snap our fingers and he'll magically appear or something) and you're starting to dread going to family reunions because all you ever get asked is "did you get engaged, yet/ why aren't you married"? You've got friends who have guys on their Facebook and you're thinking "Maybe you should give it a shot..."

I know exactly how you feel.

Frustrated....anxious.. worried...panicky....

Am I right or am I right? ;)

But let me tell you right now, sis, Facebook is not the answer. Neither is 'speed dating' or getting to know your 'Muslim guy colleague'.

Never consider doing something forbidden or haram to find Mr. Right. That’s not going to get you the right guy. You have to believe that ALLAH is the One who brings people together-doing what He has forbidden you to do is only going to bring you away from Allah and leave you in misery.

In fact, you have to realize that it ALL starts with the right intentions. Ask yourself some serious questions. Why do you want to get married? What is the purpose of marriage to you? Is it just 'the next step' you have to reach? OR do you sincerely want to get married to start a family that worships Allah and knows Islam well?

If you want to get married for the sake of Allah and you want His blessings, then you've got to do things the way He has ordained.

I know- I know....that's what you're asking me. How do you get married/ find a guy?

Well, it starts with Dua. Make sincere dua to Allah. Tell Him that you're going to do things His way because you want His pleasure. Wake up in the last third of the night and ask Allah.

Number 2: Get your family involved. As much as we all dread the ""I've got someone for you" squint look from certain auntie figures in our lives", our family is our greatest network. Seriously, forget facebook... your family network is a lot more reliable. Tell your family that you are seriously ready for marriage and are looking for good, religious available guys who are X and Y (give a little information on the kind of guy you're looking for). And the next time a relative asks you "Did you get engaged, yet?", smile at them and say, "No, I haven't. I'm still looking. Tell me if you know any good guys! Or please pray for me."

And you know what? Give that auntie who has some guy for you a chance. Maybe she's not your cup of tea but maybe the guy she brings for you will be..

Number 3: Get involved with the Muslim community. They key is socializing more....that is, with women. Go to Friday prayers. Say salaams to people and get to know the sisters there. Volunteer at any charities/ mosque events/ etc. Join halaqahs, go to conventions, be active within your Muslim community. Agree with another single friend that you'll be on the lookout for any brothers for her and could she also be on the look out for you? Another thing you can try doing is speaking to like the Imam’s wife/ etc. about getting married.

Number 4: Tackle what is STOPPING you. Do you have some kind of fear? Or problem standing in the way? Think about joining a course/ program like "Finding Your Other Half" by Practimate (Megan Wyaat). Check out their 10 Simple Steps to Getting Married:over here. Also, work on anything that could 'stand in the way of a marriage succeeding' like temper problems, moodiness, etc. Take the time now to improve yourself and work on any issues you may have.

Number 5: Be patient. Remember, Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala has a plan for us. He knows who is best for YOU. So don't worry. And remember, Allah ewards us based on our intentions. If you've already made pure intentions, you're being rewarded for that...right now! Every time you do not go on facebook to talk with guys to find a hubby, you are being rewarded for that, inshaAllah...

and remember that marriage is not the 'goal' but a means to help us in our goal/ purpose- to worship Allah.

Sisters..what do you think? What's your advice? Suggestions? :)

p.s. you could think of joining a matrimonial website, provided that your wali is involved with the whole thing :)

4 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Maria September 12, 2011 at 8:28 PM  

:) baba Ali's matrimonial website

fatimah September 13, 2011 at 7:52 PM  

appended pdf file is really helpful.:)

Unknown March 23, 2012 at 4:18 AM  

an excellent article,really help n guide me...by the way thanks for sharing your writing about this topic...

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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