>> Thursday, September 15, 2011
Assalaam alaikum dear little aunties,first off I'd like to say that you have an amazing corner in here may Allah reward you guys for all of your efforts & willingness to help others. I love all of your answers. I've been intending to write to you in a while then I thought my situation is a bit absurd but now it's getting out of control.
I'm a young newlywed and Alhamdulillah I've married an amazing religious guy but there is this little problem, the problem is, he's actually "too good looking" a lot of people would think that I'm mad saying this but I feel it's a source of concern more than anything else, it made me live in a constant worry and I want to end this !
Whenever we go out, there is always some random girl staring at him, eventually it spoils my mood and ruins our entire evening, it's sad how some girls keep no Haya by never lowering their gaze, there was actually this girl at the checkout shamelessly hitting on him, I could tell he got really annoyed & very uncomfortable but the whole thing made me even more uncomfortable but I never show anything whilst I'm burning inside.
All of this caused me to avoid going out with him, I know this is a bad solution but I can't control how much it gets to me, I've been having some really dark thoughts about asking for a divorce or at least confront him with the truth and how all of this makes me sometimes not even wanting to look at him. Despite all of his flaws he's a really sweet & caring husband but I'm not happy and I don't want to lose him, I feel truly blessed & I want to be the good wife that he deserves and I can't be while I'm always worried and sad. what should I do? Please help me!! :'( I'm desperate for some advice and I hope to get an answer ASAP! I'm about to lose my mind...Jazakllah khair.
Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!
Dearest Worried NewlyWed!
Awww honey, let me give you a big hug! I don't think you're 'mad" for saying this. I think that each and every one of us has our own trials that we have to face and that they are very 'real for each of us'. No matter what people "think", you're obviously really hurting and you sound very miserable:( That's why I'm glad you decided to talk to somebody about your problem. The truth is it's a LOT better to talk to someone you can trust about your problems than to sit down and make 'misery and pain' your only constant companions and end up making a decision you'll regret for the rest of your life.
So....go ahead and sit down and make yourself comfy. Here's a cup of chocolate milk and some chunky Dairy Milk cadbury chocolate :D
Are you feeling a little better?
Hunny, before I give you my thoughts though on your specific situation, I do want to tell you something really important. It's really important that we do not entertain any thoughts of divorce (if there's nothing seriously wrong with the marriage, itself). Why? Ever heard of this saying:
Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny
The truth is that our thoughts are not just a single 'thought'.... When we think one thought, we immediately follow it with another...and to a certain extent, we 'live a bit in those thoughts'. When you begin to consider having a divorce, you start to give yourself reason to believe that divorced life would be better and easier to deal with. It starts becoming a sanctuary to you when in reality, it is nothing of that sort. (This is for those with just a few issues that need to be resolved and not people suffering with abusive partners and the like).
So then..what's my advice?
Start off with a sincere belief in wanting your marriage to succeed. And then, take the steps needed to resolve this single issue.
What kinda steps? Well, ask yourself some big questions here:
1. What if it was you who was good looking and young men were hitting you? Would you want your husband to consider leaving you for an action that you did not commit? Do you think that's really fair? Who is at fault here? The women with horrible, bad manners or your hubby?
2. Do you trust your husband? If not, why not? Because he's good looking? Didn't you say that he's religious?You see, just because a person is 'attractive', doesn't mean that they have more of a chance of doing something wrong. What it boils down to is whether or not the person fears Allah and understands what marriage is about. A really 'unattractive man' could cheat with hundreds of girls if he wanted. Cheating isn't about a person's looks, then. It's about a person's character/moral/values.
3. Is this about YOU or about him? Are you worried that you're not good enough/ attractive enough for him? That he'll leave you? Remember, Allah chose you for him. You are a beautiful person. YOU have to believe that you are beautiful and worthy of his love in order to project that...If you believe you're someone 'not good enough', you're going to just end up letting him believe that....and that's all utter nonsense, anyways.
4. Do these women know him? Do they know his favorite food? How he laughs? What he likes to do when he's come back from work? What he wants to do with his life? No. They do not. When these women walk past him, they're what? Going to think of him for 15 minutes, max. They don't know him. You KNOW him. His faults...who he is...what he likes.. what he's scared of. You've got an emotional, spiritual connection and that counts way more than looks.Remember that. They're just passer by's. You're his wife. And it was Allah who chose it that way.
OKay, so you've asked yourself some questions.....
Now it's time for a plan of action.
1. You should talk to your husband about your feelings. You should tell him that 'those girls drive you nuts' and make you feel uncomfy. And that you're a little jealous. Chances are, he'll feel flattered AND he'll be more considerate of your feelings.
2. Ask him if it would be possible if he would hold your hand/ show some sign that he's with you when those girls do that. That would make you feel more reassured and would hopefully send the warning to those girls. You could even ask your husband to wear something like a 'thobe', even (depending where you live) or things that don't highlight his body/looks too much.
3. Think of different places you could go to: a boat ride- a picnic in the park- a visit to an art museum- etc.
4. Continue to build your spiritual life together. Pray together. Read Qur'an together. Listen to lectures together. Also, ask him about his day at work. Talk to him. Having the spiritual connection and emotional connection is a lot more important than 'any looks'.
5. Think of 5 great things about him and how you don't want to lose him. Forget his flaws. Forget those girls. And thank Allah he's in your life. Make dua that Allah blesses your marriage and that things get better and better.
Well, hunny, that's my little advice. I want to turn this over to any married girls here, though, and ask what they think? Sisters, what would you do? :)