>> Friday, April 13, 2012

Assalamualaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Let me start of by telling you Im becoming an alimah, but I dont act like an alimah at all!
I mean people think im very religious, and they compliment me everywhere I go, I pray, fast, cover my face, and everything, but I at home secretly watch videos on Youtube (and they obviously have music), and do some other sins too, but then I feeeel so guilty, I feel like screaming at myself! Im so tired of myself, I hate who I am, because Im the
worst person in the world! I feel like Im such a hypocrite, I study hadeeth and quran in the mornings, and watch stuff on youtube at night...I cry a alot sometimes and ask for forgiveness, I really want to become very very religious, but I feel like the more I yearn to become religious, the further I get, I love Allah, but I cant stop sinning. Does Allah hate me? Why isnt he helping me? I do make lots of dua and ask for help, but Im not getting any more closer to him, I feel like he doesnt care about me.
I know Im blessed to be able to study Islam, I love it, and try to act upon it as much as I can, But I keep failing. I waste so much time, I dont even properly study. Also, I was married a year ago, but the guy and his family used to torture me, and due to many other reasons,
I asked for a divorce. After that I got engaged, but the guys family started to ask me to do stuff that's forbidden in Islam. plus living with his mother was impossible due to some reasons..
My father has passed away when I was young, my siblings are busy with their own lives,
I hardly have any friends, Im so lonely, I dont like talking to anyone, because Im a huge hypocrite, I dont deserve anything.
My life is such a wreck, I sometimes feel like committing suicide, mainly because Im so afraid Allah must be so angry with me, I dont want to be punished, but I think the more I live, the more shaytaan gets me to sin, so its better if I die....
When will Allah listen to my duas? When will I change, and become a true muslimah, when will I find a good husband? Why isnt he listening to me? I dont want to go to the hell fire, but I cant control myself. What do I do? Please help!

So confused, so tired, so desperate for help!

wa'alykum asalam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!!
Dearest So Confused, So Tired, So Desperate for Help,

awww,  it sounds like you have been through a lot, my little pumpkin. You lost your father when you were young- you were abused by your ex-husband- and you were recently engaged only to have to break it off because the person wanted to do haram. May Allah give you the peace you need to get over the memories of the abuse from your ex, the strength you need to stay strong in your decision against the recent fiance and the courage and faith to stay away from the sins that you keep falling into.

As for your question....I just want to remind you that we're not scholars, here. But you know, I heard the Shaykh Mahmoud Al Masry (a very famous Egyptian daee/ Sheikh), once answer a question where a person also said that they felt like a hypocrite because everyone thought they were "good" but they had sins.

You know what he said?

A hypocrite is someone who hides his 'disbelief'- someone who doesn't believe in Allah. for example, but pretends to. Someone who secretly inside is happy whenever people insult the Messenger or attack our Qura'.

A Muslim, on the other hand, is someone who hides his 'sins'.

The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) said: "My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin(those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: "O Fulan! Last night I did this and that." He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!" [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

You see, what you're doing is right, inshaAllah. You're not supposed to flaunt your sins. You don't recommend videos to people. You don't tell people what your sin is. That doesn't make you a hypocrite. It makes you someone who is ashamed of their sins and who seeks to keep Allah's concealment.

Now, if you feel so terrible about the fact that you're sinning and everyone thinks you're so amazing, you can for example say "May Allah guide us all. I have so much more room for improvement. Please don't think I'm a perfect Muslim".

You can say the following :)

O Allah , do not call me to account for what they say and forgive me for what they have no knowledge of [and make me better than they imagine].

What else?

WEll, you say that you've been making dua for a long time to stop the sins and you just don't understand why He hasn't let you stop.

Well, sis, one thing to keep in mind is that it's our responsibility not only to make dua but to try and do things, too.

Amirul Mu'mineen (Radiya Allah Anhoo) was said to have said: A supplicant (who prays) without effort and endeavour is like an archer without a bowstring!

The question is:

Have you taken any concrete measures to help you with your problem? When we form a habit, we have to be willing to "work" to undo that habit. Have you looked at resources made for Muslims to help them against such problems? E.g.:

Brother Zeyad Ramadan has a course that could help you. Try checking his website.

We tried to come up with some tips, too:

It's also equally important that you take a look at your life and see what it is this addiction is "doing for you". It could be that you're so lonely, it's your mechanism to cope against loneliness. One way to solve this, then, is to MAKE friends. Try to get involved with the Muslim community, whether in real life or online. There are lots of forums you can join! It will take effort on your part, but try....

Take that step to get to know others not only to have friends but to overcome this habit/ this sin. Go to the masjid, attend any MSA meetings, volunteer somewhere, share the knowledge you're learning in a blog, etc.

Get busy.

Don't :

- wait for "Sheikh Muslim" to come and marry you and make you a better Muslim. Allah gave you another day, didn't He? That is ANOTHER chance to be better. That is in some ways, already an answer to your prayer.
- Ever think about killing yourself. That's not the solution, at all! It's not the longer you live the more you sin. It's the more chances you have to repent and do righteous deeds.

 Look instead at what YOU CAN DO. How else you can turn things around.

Remember this:

On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say: Allah the Almighty said:
O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.

It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its chain of authorities is sound.

It is important that you do not fall into despair. Remember, no matter what your sin is, it's a greater sin to think that Allah isn't capable of forgiving it.

And finally, I wanted to add this...

Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah) said:
“Sin may be more beneficial for a person, if it leads him to repent, than doing a lot of acts of worship. This is what is meant by the words of one of the salaf:‘A person may commit a sin and enter Paradise because of it, or he may do an act of worship and enter Hell because of it.’
They said: ‘How is that?’He said: ‘He may commit a sin and continues to think about it, and when he stands or sits or walks he remembers his sin, so he feels ashamed and repents and seeks forgiveness and regrets it, so that will be the means of his salvation. And he may do a good deed and continue to think about it, and when he stands or sits or walks he remembers it and it fills him with self-admiration and pride, so it is the cause of his doom.
So the sin may be the factor that leads him to do acts of worship and good deeds and to change his attitude so that he fears Allah and feels shy before Him and feels humiliated before Him, hanging his head in shame and weeping with regret, seeking he forgiveness of his Lord. Each of these effects is better for a person than an act of worship that makes him feel proud and show off and look down on people. Undoubtedly this sin is better before Allah and is more likely to bring salvation than one who admires himself and looks down on others, and who thinks that he is doing Allah a favour. Even if he says words that indicate something other than that, Allah is the Witness over what is in his heart. Such a person may feel hatred towards people if they do not hold him in high esteem and humiliate themselves before him. If he were to examine himself honestly, he would see that clearly.”

May Allah make things easier for you =) Please also read our other post: "It's Not Too Late"

9 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

New Wife April 13, 2012 at 5:30 PM  

mashaAllah mashaAllah! excellent advice sister... and something I needed to hear too. I was gonna cry about halfway through.

Allah reward you for your work ameen. xoxo

Anonymous,  April 13, 2012 at 6:28 PM  

Assalamu'alaikum sis(So confused, so tired, so desperate for help), Please join this sisters website sis and you also can join the sisters in the classes inshaAllah. May Allah help you sis.:)

Anonymous,  April 13, 2012 at 7:08 PM  

May Allah (swt) make things easy for you. Never lose hope in Him.


Anonymous,  April 13, 2012 at 9:52 PM  

Narrated Ibn Mas'ud (Radi-Allahu 'anhu:
A man kissed a woman (unlawfully) and then went to the Prophet (Sallallahu'Alaihi Wa Sallam) and informed him.
Allah revealed: "And offer prayers perfectly At the two ends of the day And in some hoursof the night (i.e. the five compulsory prayers). Verily! good deeds remove(annul) the evil deeds (small sins) (11.114)." The man asked Allah'sApostle (Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wa Sallam), "Is it for me?" He said, "It is forall my followers."

Anonymous,  April 13, 2012 at 10:08 PM  

Don't shut yourself from the world. Like auntie said, create relationships. One reason why we resort to the cyber world is because we dont have anything to keep us occupied in the real world. We are feeling lonely, or bored, or depressed.
It says in a hadith, the meaning of which is- that all of Bani Adam sins, but the best of the sinners are the tawaaboon-those who do tauba abundantly. Never leave tauba, each time you may do something wrong- make a firm intention in your heart: I am a student of the deen. I am a Muslim. It is against my very shaan to do somethng like this. I am NOT going to do it again, with Allah SWT's Help and Power.
If you fall into sin again, renew your tauba. Each time make a khaalis tauba. And one day will come, when it will be your final tauba from that sin- and that tauba will be accepted, effacing all the sins, insha Allah.
Allah SWT has already blessed you so much that He has chosen YOU to be a student of HIS Deen from sooo many people in the world. Allah and Ghayr Allah cannot exist in 1 heart. Continue to absorb the lessons of Quran and Hadith- Allah SWT will keep cleansing your heart. Each time you sit and listen to these beautiful words, they are washing your heart. Keep at it!
For everything is a polish, and the polish of the heart is the ZIKR of Allah SWT, the Remembrance of Allah SWT.
Allah SWT also tells us a secret in the Quran..
That O you who believe, you must adopt Taqwa!
But how?
He SWT tells us in the Quran: Koonu ma'as saadiqeen: the company of the saadiqin (truthful).
Allah SWT loves it when you call on Him. He loves to hear His abd ask Him.. So ask! ask! ask! Ask with the FIRM belief that He IS Listening. He WILL Answer. He is aware of your every breath, your every thought. He KNOWS more than anyone, more than yourself, how much you want that you just leave everything bad and become a good muslimah. Its a battle till the end, my dear sister. Till the last breath you take, Shaytaan has his arms in battle against you. Continue to fight. This battle will be won!! insha Allah.
Remember the principle: Shake well before use? Allah SWT when He wants to bestow His Special Love and WIlaayah shakes a person, He tests them, makes them go through trials- and when we are steadfast and cling with all our might to the Rope of Allah SWT- He blesses us beyond our every imagination.
When someone you love is coming over for a visit, you prepare for days. You anticipate their arrival. But you know, how beautiful is OUR Allah SWT? Allah SWT tells that HE has prepared for His Righteous Servant what no eye has seen, no ear has heard nor has one imagined! He has been preparing Jannah for years and years, looking at it with love everyday- Jannah is waiting for us, prepared by the One who Loves us sooo much you cannot even imagine.
Just hang in there sis, this world is a prison for the believers but then will come Jannah- the ETERNAL abode of peace and satisfacation- its worth fighting for, dont you think so?

Anonymous,  April 13, 2012 at 10:12 PM  

Oh and one last thing, insha Allah.
When you are about to click on that video,
Think: A look at this or a chance to see Allah SWT in Jannah?

Anonymous,  April 22, 2012 at 3:20 PM  

Dear Sister. I pray Allah makes things easier for you Ameen.
This world is only a test from Allah and He wants to see how we react to the situations that He puts us in.
Allah does not put a burden on a person more than he can bare. You probably already know that Allah always tests those that He loves. Be happy that Allah is giving you a chance to show to Him that you can fulfil His tasks and be a successful slave which will lead you to Jannah InshaAllah! Allah does not have to answer your prayers now, He is the best of planners and He may be waiting for a better time to answer your prayers.
You can always channel your negative thinking into positive ones! Its good to talk to people as many people can help you through this. We can all see that you have firstly acknowledged your faults Alhumdulillah that is the first step to making things better for yourself.
Also about suicide, that is never the right way of thinking, Allah does not like those who commit suicide.
Finally, Allah SWT says 'with hardhip comes ease'. This ease does not necessarily mean that hardship will stop and you will get ease, but it means that 'with' hardship comes ease. This ease is referring to expiation of sins. Even a prick of a thorn expiates sins SubhanAllah.
Sister when you go on the internet to watch videos, stop yourself as it is Shaytan who is making you do this. He is our enemy and You need to fight this feeling. Maybe instead find a Shaykh who you like that you can instead listen to his lectures. Read amazing blogs or like the sisters said make your own :)
May Allah help and guide you x

Ifrah May 15, 2012 at 12:06 PM  

Assalamualaykum warahmatullahi wabarakaatuhu dear sisters!
I love your blog.. Masha Allah you're doing a really good job :)
I had something to say about the dua that you mentioned. It is attributed to Abu Bakr radhi Allahu Ta'ala..
This supplication was not taught to us by the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), but it is one that his best friend, Abu Bakr (radi Allahu anhu) would make after being praised (some narrations state that it was a duaa of Ali radi Allahu anhu).

It is reported that he would say,

Allahumma-ja'lni khayran mima yadhunoon wa-ghfir li ma la ya'lamoon wa la tu'akhidhni bi ma yaquloon.

O Allah, make me better than what they think of me, and forgive me for what they do not know about me, and do not take me to account for what they say about me.

Little Auntie May 15, 2012 at 12:11 PM  

^Oh!! Jazakillah khair for the correction!

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