Sin...sin..sin...

Assalamualaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Let me start of by telling you Im becoming an alimah, but I dont act like an alimah at all!
I mean people think im very religious, and they compliment me everywhere I go, I pray, fast, cover my face, and everything, but I at home secretly watch videos on Youtube (and they obviously have music), and do some other sins too, but then I feeeel so guilty, I feel like screaming at myself! Im so tired of myself, I hate who I am, because Im the
worst person in the world! I feel like Im such a hypocrite, I study hadeeth and quran in the mornings, and watch stuff on youtube at night...I cry a alot sometimes and ask for forgiveness, I really want to become very very religious, but I feel like the more I yearn to become religious, the further I get, I love Allah, but I cant stop sinning. Does Allah hate me? Why isnt he helping me? I do make lots of dua and ask for help, but Im not getting any more closer to him, I feel like he doesnt care about me.
I know Im blessed to be able to study Islam, I love it, and try to act upon it as much as I can, But I keep failing. I waste so much time, I dont even properly study. Also, I was married a year ago, but the guy and his family used to torture me, and due to many other reasons,
I asked for a divorce. After that I got engaged, but the guys family started to ask me to do stuff that's forbidden in Islam. plus living with his mother was impossible due to some reasons..
My father has passed away when I was young, my siblings are busy with their own lives,
I hardly have any friends, Im so lonely, I dont like talking to anyone, because Im a huge hypocrite, I dont deserve anything.
My life is such a wreck, I sometimes feel like committing suicide, mainly because Im so afraid Allah must be so angry with me, I dont want to be punished, but I think the more I live, the more shaytaan gets me to sin, so its better if I die....
When will Allah listen to my duas? When will I change, and become a true muslimah, when will I find a good husband? Why isnt he listening to me? I dont want to go to the hell fire, but I cant control myself. What do I do? Please help!

So confused, so tired, so desperate for help!

wa'alykum asalam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!!
Dearest So Confused, So Tired, So Desperate for Help,

awww,  it sounds like you have been through a lot, my little pumpkin. You lost your father when you were young- you were abused by your ex-husband- and you were recently engaged only to have to break it off because the person wanted to do haram. May Allah give you the peace you need to get over the memories of the abuse from your ex, the strength you need to stay strong in your decision against the recent fiance and the courage and faith to stay away from the sins that you keep falling into.

As for your question....I just want to remind you that we're not scholars, here. But you know, I heard the Shaykh Mahmoud Al Masry (a very famous Egyptian daee/ Sheikh), once answer a question where a person also said that they felt like a hypocrite because everyone thought they were "good" but they had sins.

You know what he said?

A hypocrite is someone who hides his 'disbelief'- someone who doesn't believe in Allah. for example, but pretends to. Someone who secretly inside is happy whenever people insult the Messenger or attack our Qura'.

A Muslim, on the other hand, is someone who hides his 'sins'.

The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) said: "My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin(those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: "O Fulan! Last night I did this and that." He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!" [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

You see, what you're doing is right, inshaAllah. You're not supposed to flaunt your sins. You don't recommend videos to people. You don't tell people what your sin is. That doesn't make you a hypocrite. It makes you someone who is ashamed of their sins and who seeks to keep Allah's concealment.

Now, if you feel so terrible about the fact that you're sinning and everyone thinks you're so amazing, you can for example say "May Allah guide us all. I have so much more room for improvement. Please don't think I'm a perfect Muslim".

You can say the following :)

O Allah , do not call me to account for what they say and forgive me for what they have no knowledge of [and make me better than they imagine].

What else?

WEll, you say that you've been making dua for a long time to stop the sins and you just don't understand why He hasn't let you stop.

Well, sis, one thing to keep in mind is that it's our responsibility not only to make dua but to try and do things, too.

Amirul Mu'mineen (Radiya Allah Anhoo) was said to have said: A supplicant (who prays) without effort and endeavour is like an archer without a bowstring!

The question is:

Have you taken any concrete measures to help you with your problem? When we form a habit, we have to be willing to "work" to undo that habit. Have you looked at resources made for Muslims to help them against such problems? E.g.: http://www.purifyyourgaze.com/funnel/video-3

Brother Zeyad Ramadan has a course that could help you. Try checking his website.

We tried to come up with some tips, too: http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/search/label/porn

It's also equally important that you take a look at your life and see what it is this addiction is "doing for you". It could be that you're so lonely, it's your mechanism to cope against loneliness. One way to solve this, then, is to MAKE friends. Try to get involved with the Muslim community, whether in real life or online. There are lots of forums you can join! It will take effort on your part, but try....

Take that step to get to know others not only to have friends but to overcome this habit/ this sin. Go to the masjid, attend any MSA meetings, volunteer somewhere, share the knowledge you're learning in a blog, etc.

Get busy.

Don't :

- wait for "Sheikh Muslim" to come and marry you and make you a better Muslim. Allah gave you another day, didn't He? That is ANOTHER chance to be better. That is in some ways, already an answer to your prayer.
- Ever think about killing yourself. That's not the solution, at all! It's not the longer you live the more you sin. It's the more chances you have to repent and do righteous deeds.

 Look instead at what YOU CAN DO. How else you can turn things around.


Remember this:

On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say: Allah the Almighty said:

O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.

It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its chain of authorities is sound.


It is important that you do not fall into despair. Remember, no matter what your sin is, it's a greater sin to think that Allah isn't capable of forgiving it.

And finally, I wanted to add this...

Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullah) said:
“Sin may be more beneficial for a person, if it leads him to repent, than doing a lot of acts of worship. This is what is meant by the words of one of the salaf:‘A person may commit a sin and enter Paradise because of it, or he may do an act of worship and enter Hell because of it.’
They said: ‘How is that?’He said: ‘He may commit a sin and continues to think about it, and when he stands or sits or walks he remembers his sin, so he feels ashamed and repents and seeks forgiveness and regrets it, so that will be the means of his salvation. And he may do a good deed and continue to think about it, and when he stands or sits or walks he remembers it and it fills him with self-admiration and pride, so it is the cause of his doom.
So the sin may be the factor that leads him to do acts of worship and good deeds and to change his attitude so that he fears Allah and feels shy before Him and feels humiliated before Him, hanging his head in shame and weeping with regret, seeking he forgiveness of his Lord. Each of these effects is better for a person than an act of worship that makes him feel proud and show off and look down on people. Undoubtedly this sin is better before Allah and is more likely to bring salvation than one who admires himself and looks down on others, and who thinks that he is doing Allah a favour. Even if he says words that indicate something other than that, Allah is the Witness over what is in his heart. Such a person may feel hatred towards people if they do not hold him in high esteem and humiliate themselves before him. If he were to examine himself honestly, he would see that clearly.”

May Allah make things easier for you =) Please also read our other post: "It's Not Too Late"