If only he were Muslim.

>> Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I met someone that I have never met before in my life, and no words can explain his character, but a few things to say, he has the greatest, kindest, generous, caring heart I have ever come across. He is smart, charming, handsome, strong, wise, and just all of the above. BUT sadly he is not Muslim. He is Catholic. Nonetheless, I could not help my feelings towards him, and I have fell in love with him. I tried to not let it get to that point, but it just kind of happened. I tried to trick my heart and telling it, I had no feelings for him, but I was clearly lying to myself when all I could think or breathe is him. The feelings between us are very strong and mutual. I don't know what to do, I know this is wrong and haraam and all that, but is it really haraam to love someone with all your heart? He is a better person inside and out than most Muslims I know, and yet they have a chance to go to heaven, and not him? I know, its because he is not Muslim and does not have faith in Allah or our prophet (pbuh), and I want more than anything to educate him on Islam NOT just so maybe we could get married, but because I can't think about him going to hell as a disbeliever. I want to show him the right path to Islam whether we stay together or not. I don't know, I know I probably sound dumb or the worst person ever, but I just had to email you, I know you are not judgmental, and are open minded and hope to get some advice. Tomorrow insha'Allah is Ramadan, and I have ordered the english version of the Holy Qura'an and hopefully he can read it with me too.  I just love this guy so much and want to show him the right way.

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo, my darling sister,

First of all, let me wish you a wonderful Ramadan. May Allah let this Ramadan be a means to bring you close to Him and His pleasure =)

Second of all, your story reminds me of the story of Zainab, the Prophet's daughter, sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam. Have you read about her story? This is the full story which I definitely recommend that you read...but I'm also going to summarize it a bit, for you :) 

Basically, before Islam was revealed, Zainab was married to a man named Abul-Aas. He was her relative (a cousin, I think), but their marriage life was based on mutual love. When Islam was revealed, though, Zainab accepted it, but her husband didn't. At first, they continued to live together as the command had not yet been given that women could not marry men of different faiths. Yet, things were really not easy. The Battle of Badr happened and Zainab had to endure the pain of knowing that her father and husband were fighting different sides. Her husband was taken captive by the Muslims. Still loving him, she sent her necklace as payment to free him. This was actually a very special necklace that she had been given by her mother, Khadija. When Prophet Mohammed found the necklace, he immediately remembered Khadijah [his own love :)} and he freed Zainab's husband [and asked the people if he could give Zainab back her necklace, too]. However, although Aboul-As was freed, the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam explained to Abul-Aas that Zainab was no longer allowed to be married to him as Quran had been revealed against that kind of marriage. 

Her husband now became her ex-husband.

Zainab left her homeland and her husband and went to Madina.

 Deen over dunya. God over man. Love of Allah over love of a man.

After a long time and more hardships endured, the Muslims ended up capturing a caravan that was returning from Syria. This was actually Zainab's ex-husband's caravan. Although his caravan was captured, he escaped...but he was now stuck in Madinah, in the land of Muslims, and he was not a Muslim [and had fought the Muslims before]. Fearing for his safety and with no one else to count on, Aboul-As headed to Zainab's house. In the middle of the night he found her house and told her about his problems: that he was worried about his safety and that he needed to return the goods to the people who had purchased it. 

Zainab did not let him down. After fajr prayer, she announced to the people of Madina that Aboul-As was under her protection. [This was the system they used back then...] Nobody could think to hurt him, now...especially since he was under the protection of the prophet's daughter!
Prophet Mohammed told her: Receive him with all honor, but let him not come to you as a husband, for you are not his by law". 

She still could not be with him....though her heart still loved him.

To cut a long story short, he finally did accept Islam. And their marriage was renewed :) (A little while later, I believe it was one year, Zainab passed away.)

So, why do I tell you all this?

Because hun, what you're going through ....the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam's daughter went through. All your feelings...how much you want to be with him.....you can bet Zainab felt that, too. But when faced with the decision of what to pick, Zainab shows us that we have to pick Allah.

 Deen over dunya. God over man. Love of Allah over love of a man.

You ask: is it haraam to love someone with all your heart?

The heart sometimes follows its own tides. It sometimes doesn't listen to our minds. We say "No, you can't love him," and the heart answers, "I already do." 

But as this story shows, it's not about what your heart FEELS. Zainab clearly still loved her husband.

It's about what you CHOOSE.

Are you going to choose to let your heart rule you? Or are you going to rule your heart? Do you obey your desires? Or do you train them to obey you? Maybe you cannot control your heart, but you definitely CAN control your actions...and that's something you are going to be judged on. 

And you know what? Sometimes you love something but it's not the best thing for you. We gave the example before of a chocolate and a cucumber. How many of us would willingly choose a chocolate over a cucumber? What would a doctor say, though? What's better for our health? The doctor would know, right? 

Well, when it comes to our hearts, Allah subhanoo wa' Tala knows what is best for us. I mean, really think about it. He is the One who created our hearts in the first place, isn't He?

And He is the one who in His Wisdom, Knowledge and even Mercy decreed that we cannot marry people of different faiths.

And you know what? When you think about it, it really makes sense. Marrying someone of a different faith would be like using different sized wheels at the same time and trying to ride the bike. A little difficult.

 Think about it. 

 Islam is not just a weekend religion. It's something that affects everything about us- what we wear, eat, say, the holidays we celebrate, and even where we go and what we see! I know that you're saying that this person is a good person but what happens when he doesn't agree with all these rules? What happens when he doesn't want to raise his children to fast Ramadan, for example? Or what if he teaches them that the Quran isn't the "real" word of God? What happens when he lets pork in the house? 

The truth is, the Prophet didn't just advise us to marry any Muslim. He advised us to marry the one with good manners and the one who knows his religion/ is pious. You know why? Because marriage is the means we have to build an Ummah that serves Allah well. Marriage is the foundation- the very cornerstone- of our Muslim Ummah.

Ask yourself: what have you done for Islam, lately? What if...what if you were to raise a family knowing Allah? A family that lives and breathes Islam? What would your reward be?

I'm not saying that marriage is only about the Ummah, though. Allah describes the feelings between spouses in the Quran as "muwada" and "rahma"- love and mercy. And He describes the spouses as garments for each other. There is love and there is romance and all that stuff....you deserve to love and be loved in return, but you really need it to be someone who will understand every aspect of you. Someone who will read Quran with you, fast, pray and at the same time, do the hokey pokey with your children. Someone who will love you so much that he will care for your Hereafter and beg you to wear hijab. Someone who will do everything he can to make sure you and your children and him are family in Jannah- under the throne of Ar-Rahman.

I know this is a bitter pill to swallow.

And it's hard to write.

But Allah tests us to the extent of our faith. Some things happened and this person was let in to your life....now what are you going to do about it? :)

I'll give you a few tips:

a) You need to let him know that you can't pursue this relationship as it is not allowed in your religion

b) You can give him the Quran translation you ordered, inshaAllah, and also send him some books/ links/ resources on Islam. You can show him this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ-xc7kr5_o

c) Start learning more about Allah. Read our posts on loving Him, too.

d) Stop thinking about the similarities you share with him and just think a bit about the differences. And what those differences entail. You need someone who will honor and cherish both sides of you as an American Muslim. Someone who will understand your sense of humor but who will also help you wake up for fajr time. Someone who will eat brownies with you while you listen to a nice Islamic lecture. 

e) Make dua to Allah to replace him with someone better for you. [Browse the profiles of a Muslim matrimonial website such as Single Muslim to see if there are people who are like you. ]

e) Try and busy yourself with something. Why not take the time now to seek knowledge? Taraweeh? Quran? This month is the MONTH that you really should use to get to jannah, inshaAllah

f) Remember, he's a non-Muslim and if you do get into a relationship with him, then you are deliberately setting yourself and him up for disaster (heart break). I mean, besides being haram, you are being unfair to him. Think about that :) 

I know this is probably going to be the hardest battle you fight....but now is the time for the gold in you to shine. Now is the time for you to tell Allah: Thank you for blessing me with this Ramadan. This Ramadan, I'm not only going to give up my food and water for you. I'm going to reclaim my heart for YOU. May Allah make things easier for you!

With all my love,

8 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Anonymous,  July 24, 2012 at 1:56 PM  

To the Questioner - I can so relate to what you have written here. Little auntie has given excellent advice!
Speaking from personal experience, when you leave something or someone for the sake of Allah then He really does replace it with something much better.

Easy for me to say right? Not really. I was in crazy love with this one person who was a muslim, but just namesake. I was trying to get closer to deen and I knew I couldn't pursue what I had with him. So I told my parents so we could get engaged because everyone knew he was the most amazing person I could ever get married to, he was kind, charming, die hard romantic, the kind of guy who sends surprise flowers to work or chocolates.

But not everyone knew his faith like I did, it was in a bad shape. He didn't really care about god or the concept of it. But I was in love, so I tried to get him understand but he was just trying for my sake, he really didn't like Islam.. Overtime we grew more in love and his interest lesser in religion. If there was a parable to be set for perfect love it was ours, but eventually I was forced to make the choice, If I want to be with somebody who weakens my faith or who strenghtens it, and ending it with this amazzzing guy was the toughest decision I did and toughest year spent afterwards, but Allah sees all your struggles and with time he rewards you with much better.

My heart was with this guy, and ending it was the best decision, because more than any human I need my heart to be attached to the creator without whom I wouldn't even be alive to begin with. Sounds too preachy yeah? We just have to remember that this life, this world, these temptations, these are all just a test and glad tidings are given to those who are the doers of good.

So the question is few months of heartbreak and an eternity full of peace, comfort, love, perfection?
Or pursuit of something temporary and losing out on the BIG prize?

Ps Allah did reward me for my actions, and now 20 months later I am getting married to an amazing man who is just what I needed.

Have trust in Allah, know that he won't let your struggle go without a reward and he is Al Wadood, the one who loves you more than any body else in the entire creation. More than your parents, this guy or anyone at all. Now, it's your time to decide..

I hope you make the right choice =)

Ghadeer July 25, 2012 at 4:11 AM  

Your answer was beautiful.

Zarina Hassem July 25, 2012 at 2:04 PM  

Masha'Allah sisters, May Allah Almighty reward you in abundance. This response is so touching and amazing. Clearly the sister who wrote to you is distressed and going through a difficult time, and your answer I think was very comforting, in a non-judgemental way. If I was this sister I too would be inspired. Keep doing what you're doing and May Allah continue to guide you.

If I can just add something to the sister who wrote in. Many years ago I had a situation similar to yours but what I learnt is that you cannot change the heart of anyone. Although Allah alone knows how your situation will turn out, what I learnt was that I invested so much time , energy and emotions, trying to get a guy to love Islam the wya I did and in the end it was too no avail, because we cannot change hearts or guide people towards truth. Allah guides whom Allah wants to and the business of bringing people close to Allah is in Allah's hands.

May Allah ease your pain and guide your heart towards loving Him more than anyone else.

Ps: I apologise for the long comment.

Have a blessed month of Ramadhaan

Fida Islaih July 25, 2012 at 2:47 PM  

I REALLY needed this!! Thank you to the sister who asked this question. And thank you to our little auntie that answered it. May Allah help and bless you, insha'Allah! Ameen!

Btw, Ramadan Mubarak! :D

Little Auntie July 26, 2012 at 5:33 AM  

Anonymous, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. May Allah send His blessings upon your marriage and let the love and mercy between the two of you grow.
Jnana, *blushes*
Zarina, first of all, never apologize for a long comment. The longer it is, the better =) Seriously, thank you for taking the time to share your experience with us. You brought up a really good point :)
Fida, May Allah make things easier for you, my darling :)

in the falling leaves July 26, 2012 at 9:33 AM  

Amazing response it is sure to benefit a lot of people inshallah

Anonymous,  July 27, 2012 at 2:57 PM  


Masha'Allah little auntie, I love how your advice is light and soft and easy to take in,

and Insha'Allah the sister who asked the question will get through this and stay strong :D


If only he were muslim,  July 30, 2012 at 12:51 PM  

Salaam to all sisters,

I want to thank each of you a million for the sweet non judge-mental comments. I appreciate it so much, and insha'Allah, Allah (swt) will indeed guide me to the right path. All of your precious comments has touched my heart in a inspiring way. May Allah bless you with his bounties.

Ramadan Mubarak to all! <3

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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