If only he were Muslim.

I met someone that I have never met before in my life, and no words can explain his character, but a few things to say, he has the greatest, kindest, generous, caring heart I have ever come across. He is smart, charming, handsome, strong, wise, and just all of the above. BUT sadly he is not Muslim. He is Catholic. Nonetheless, I could not help my feelings towards him, and I have fell in love with him. I tried to not let it get to that point, but it just kind of happened. I tried to trick my heart and telling it, I had no feelings for him, but I was clearly lying to myself when all I could think or breathe is him. The feelings between us are very strong and mutual. I don't know what to do, I know this is wrong and haraam and all that, but is it really haraam to love someone with all your heart? He is a better person inside and out than most Muslims I know, and yet they have a chance to go to heaven, and not him? I know, its because he is not Muslim and does not have faith in Allah or our prophet (pbuh), and I want more than anything to educate him on Islam NOT just so maybe we could get married, but because I can't think about him going to hell as a disbeliever. I want to show him the right path to Islam whether we stay together or not. I don't know, I know I probably sound dumb or the worst person ever, but I just had to email you, I know you are not judgmental, and are open minded and hope to get some advice. Tomorrow insha'Allah is Ramadan, and I have ordered the english version of the Holy Qura'an and hopefully he can read it with me too.  I just love this guy so much and want to show him the right way.

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo, my darling sister,

First of all, let me wish you a wonderful Ramadan. May Allah let this Ramadan be a means to bring you close to Him and His pleasure =)

Second of all, your story reminds me of the story of Zainab, the Prophet's daughter, sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam. Have you read about her story? This is the full story which I definitely recommend that you read...but I'm also going to summarize it a bit, for you :) 

Basically, before Islam was revealed, Zainab was married to a man named Abul-Aas. He was her relative (a cousin, I think), but their marriage life was based on mutual love. When Islam was revealed, though, Zainab accepted it, but her husband didn't. At first, they continued to live together as the command had not yet been given that women could not marry men of different faiths. Yet, things were really not easy. The Battle of Badr happened and Zainab had to endure the pain of knowing that her father and husband were fighting different sides. Her husband was taken captive by the Muslims. Still loving him, she sent her necklace as payment to free him. This was actually a very special necklace that she had been given by her mother, Khadija. When Prophet Mohammed found the necklace, he immediately remembered Khadijah [his own love :)} and he freed Zainab's husband [and asked the people if he could give Zainab back her necklace, too]. However, although Aboul-As was freed, the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam explained to Abul-Aas that Zainab was no longer allowed to be married to him as Quran had been revealed against that kind of marriage. 

Her husband now became her ex-husband.

Zainab left her homeland and her husband and went to Madina.

 Deen over dunya. God over man. Love of Allah over love of a man.

After a long time and more hardships endured, the Muslims ended up capturing a caravan that was returning from Syria. This was actually Zainab's ex-husband's caravan. Although his caravan was captured, he escaped...but he was now stuck in Madinah, in the land of Muslims, and he was not a Muslim [and had fought the Muslims before]. Fearing for his safety and with no one else to count on, Aboul-As headed to Zainab's house. In the middle of the night he found her house and told her about his problems: that he was worried about his safety and that he needed to return the goods to the people who had purchased it. 

Zainab did not let him down. After fajr prayer, she announced to the people of Madina that Aboul-As was under her protection. [This was the system they used back then...] Nobody could think to hurt him, now...especially since he was under the protection of the prophet's daughter!

Prophet Mohammed told her: Receive him with all honor, but let him not come to you as a husband, for you are not his by law". 

She still could not be with him....though her heart still loved him.

To cut a long story short, he finally did accept Islam. And their marriage was renewed :) (A little while later, I believe it was one year, Zainab passed away.)

So, why do I tell you all this?

Because hun, what you're going through ....the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam's daughter went through. All your feelings...how much you want to be with him.....you can bet Zainab felt that, too. But when faced with the decision of what to pick, Zainab shows us that we have to pick Allah.

 Deen over dunya. God over man. Love of Allah over love of a man.

You ask: is it haraam to love someone with all your heart?

The heart sometimes follows its own tides. It sometimes doesn't listen to our minds. We say "No, you can't love him," and the heart answers, "I already do." 

But as this story shows, it's not about what your heart FEELS. Zainab clearly still loved her husband.

It's about what you CHOOSE.

Are you going to choose to let your heart rule you? Or are you going to rule your heart? Do you obey your desires? Or do you train them to obey you? Maybe you cannot control your heart, but you definitely CAN control your actions...and that's something you are going to be judged on. 

And you know what? Sometimes you love something but it's not the best thing for you. We gave the example before of a chocolate and a cucumber. How many of us would willingly choose a chocolate over a cucumber? What would a doctor say, though? What's better for our health? The doctor would know, right? 

Well, when it comes to our hearts, Allah subhanoo wa' Tala knows what is best for us. I mean, really think about it. He is the One who created our hearts in the first place, isn't He?

And He is the one who in His Wisdom, Knowledge and even Mercy decreed that we cannot marry people of different faiths.

And you know what? When you think about it, it really makes sense. Marrying someone of a different faith would be like using different sized wheels at the same time and trying to ride the bike. A little difficult.

 Think about it. 

 Islam is not just a weekend religion. It's something that affects everything about us- what we wear, eat, say, the holidays we celebrate, and even where we go and what we see! I know that you're saying that this person is a good person but what happens when he doesn't agree with all these rules? What happens when he doesn't want to raise his children to fast Ramadan, for example? Or what if he teaches them that the Quran isn't the "real" word of God? What happens when he lets pork in the house? 

The truth is, the Prophet didn't just advise us to marry any Muslim. He advised us to marry the one with good manners and the one who knows his religion/ is pious. You know why? Because marriage is the means we have to build an Ummah that serves Allah well. Marriage is the foundation- the very cornerstone- of our Muslim Ummah.

Ask yourself: what have you done for Islam, lately? What if...what if you were to raise a family knowing Allah? A family that lives and breathes Islam? What would your reward be?

I'm not saying that marriage is only about the Ummah, though. Allah describes the feelings between spouses in the Quran as "muwada" and "rahma"- love and mercy. And He describes the spouses as garments for each other. There is love and there is romance and all that stuff....you deserve to love and be loved in return, but you really need it to be someone who will understand every aspect of you. Someone who will read Quran with you, fast, pray and at the same time, do the hokey pokey with your children. Someone who will love you so much that he will care for your Hereafter and beg you to wear hijab. Someone who will do everything he can to make sure you and your children and him are family in Jannah- under the throne of Ar-Rahman.

I know this is a bitter pill to swallow.

And it's hard to write.

But Allah tests us to the extent of our faith. Some things happened and this person was let in to your life....now what are you going to do about it? :)

I'll give you a few tips:

a) You need to let him know that you can't pursue this relationship as it is not allowed in your religion

b) You can give him the Quran translation you ordered, inshaAllah, and also send him some books/ links/ resources on Islam. You can show him this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ-xc7kr5_o

c) Start learning more about Allah. Read our posts on loving Him, too.

http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/05/hes-my-whole-world.html http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2012/03/numero-1.html

d) Stop thinking about the similarities you share with him and just think a bit about the differences. And what those differences entail. You need someone who will honor and cherish both sides of you as an American Muslim. Someone who will understand your sense of humor but who will also help you wake up for fajr time. Someone who will eat brownies with you while you listen to a nice Islamic lecture. 

e) Make dua to Allah to replace him with someone better for you. [Browse the profiles of a Muslim matrimonial website such as Single Muslim to see if there are people who are like you. ]

e) Try and busy yourself with something. Why not take the time now to seek knowledge? Taraweeh? Quran? This month is the MONTH that you really should use to get to jannah, inshaAllah

f) Remember, he's a non-Muslim and if you do get into a relationship with him, then you are deliberately setting yourself and him up for disaster (heart break). I mean, besides being haram, you are being unfair to him. Think about that :) 


I know this is probably going to be the hardest battle you fight....but now is the time for the gold in you to shine. Now is the time for you to tell Allah: Thank you for blessing me with this Ramadan. This Ramadan, I'm not only going to give up my food and water for you. I'm going to reclaim my heart for YOU. May Allah make things easier for you!

With all my love,