>> Sunday, March 11, 2012
Salam Alakum! I am 17 and I might seem young but I think I've fallen in love with my older cousin. I really love him for his qualities and great personality. We talked to each other before and at first, I didn't have feelings for him but over the past few years I think I may have fallen in love with him and I do want to marry him! I spend the whole day thinking about him, every night thinking about him, dreaming about him. It's always about him now!
The thing is that I don't think and believe that he might love me back. I think it might be low self esteem but I honestly doubt he would ever love me. And because of this, I sort of turned him into someone I improve/change myself for. I don't know if this is idolatry. Whenever I do something, I always ask myself, "Would he approve me doing this?" If he would, I would do it. If he didn't, I wouldn't do it. I feel so stressed now but this has put a good change on me because I'm doing the right things now and being a better person for him.
I am trying to be the perfect girl for him but it is just so hard and stressful being perfect only for him!
What should I do? Is this what I should be doing? How can I possibly stop thinking about him? I just really want him to love me back.
- Trying to be Perfect
Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,
Dearest Trying to Be Perfect,
It's really really admirable to see you sit back and reflect on yourself. You're in love...but something doesn't seem right to you. Rather than ignoring it, you chose to confront it and see if there could be something with your love. That takes courage and I'm really proud of you :)
The truth though, sweet heart, is we've said it before....Love is something sacred in Islam but it is meant to be only in the institution of marriage. Remember how we said earlier that Islam forbids relationships outside of marriage and that it commands women and men to guard their modesty, lower their gazes, and not be left alone with non-mahrams. You might say "but he's my cousin". He's still a non-mahram to you. Talking to your cousin privately whether it is on the telephone or the computer is actually not okay, Islamically.
I know you said that you doubt he loves you back. Darling, you are someone worthy of being loved and never ever believe that you are less than any other person...but if you want a relationship, it should be done appropriately. Your parents/ wali should be involved and things should be out in the open and done according to what Allah has commanded. AGAIN, this is ONLY to PROTECT YOU. Instead of giving your heart to someone who is not even interested in a future with you, you set the boundaries right from the beginning....
As for your specific question....
I'm pretty sure that it's normal to want to please one's spouse/ fiance/ but we do have to be careful that we do not make any person or even object the center of our lives or the reason behind our existence.
It's exactly for the reason that you said. We have to be careful that we do not reach the stage of idolatry or that we do not set up equals to God…
This is because our whole creed, tawhid is actually based on "negation" of false gods/ false object of worship. "La ilah ila Allah".
We state that there is only One in His Godship and One and Unique in His Actions and Names and Attributes. Nothing is like Him and nothing is deserving of worship except Him. Nothing should be put in His place, nothing should be loved as equally as He is.
The Quran says:
And [yet], among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals [to Him]. They love them as they [should] love Allah. But those who believe are stronger in love for Allah. And if only they who have wronged would consider [that] when they see the punishment, [they will be certain] that all power belongs to Allah and that Allah is severe in punishment. (2:165)
Say, [O Muhammad], "If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your relatives, wealth which you have obtained, commerce wherein you fear decline, and dwellings with which you are pleased are more beloved to you than Allah and His Messenger and jihad in His cause, then wait until Allah executes His command. And Allah does not guide the defiantly disobedient people."(9:24)
To evaluate your love, try asking yourself these basic questions:
- Does your love for him exceed your love and remembrance of Allah?
- Are you engaging in haram?
- If he told you to stay up and call him at 2:00 a.m. would you do it, even if you knew that meant that you would miss fajr (etc.)?
- Are you so attached to him that you don’t want to die for Allah’s sake?
- Do you believe he is the source of happiness? Perfection?
- Would you rather die if something were to happen to him?
If the answer is "yes", then there is something wrong, here.
Don’t worry, though. We can fix this.
You have to remind yourself of 2 very simple words that we say a lot in our prayers.
He is Greater.
He is Greater than you and me.
Sleep does not take Him nor slumber or fatigue. Whatever time of the day, He welcomes you. HE is always ready for his slave to turn back to Him. He is the Exalted.
He knows our darkest secrets and chooses to conceal us. He protects us from harm, and tests us to purify us.
He is Supreme, All Merciful, Clement, Forgiving. He controls your heart and the hearts of those around you. Perfection is His Attribute alone.
Not a word is uttered that He does not Hear it. Not a problem occurs, that He cannot solve.
Not a thing or person in this world, that He is not Greater.
He is Greater than ALL.
The Quran tells us:
Lord of the heavens and the earth and whatever is between them - so worship Him and have patience for His worship. Do you know of any similarity to Him?" (19: 65)
There is nothing like Him.
No matter how “happy” we feel with other things, nothing can ever rival Him.
Not a boyfriend/ money/ fashion- none of these things will ever be able to fully satisfy us. Because everything around us is like us...it is weak....is fragile..and in need.
It is Allah alone that is Powerful, All Mighty, and Independent (Not in need)
HE should be the center of our lives.
Everything/ and everyone else will fail/disappoint you some time. Everything else will fade over time.
Everyone upon the earth will perish, (26) And there will remain the Face of your Lord, Owner of Majesty and Honor. (27) So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny? (28 (Surat Al Rahman)
Always remind yourself:
What can your cousin do for you? Does he provide you the oxygen you breathe? IF you asked him for another minute to live, could he grant it to you? If something were to happen to someone you dearly care about (say your parents), would you turn to your cousin to help you or Allah to pull you through?
When you start to feel like you're forgetting Allah and thinking only of this person, remind yourself that Allah alone is your Savoir.
And remember what we said in an earlier facebook status:
Here on earth.... everyone has their own flaws, moods, quirks, and baggage. If you’re waiting for someone perfect to 'rescue you', someone who’s going to know what to say/ do/ act all of the time, then you’re up for disappointment. No 'man'/ 'person' has the solution to everything. No person will be able to fix your life for you.The only One capable of that is Allah. Through out all of your life, HE has been right there, on your side, guiding you and protecting you....
When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way. (2:186)
IF you are finding it hard to swallow after this post, never fear. We talked before in an earlier post (and a very very similar question, hehe) about how to nurture one's love for Allah and how to increase it.
Remember, hun, to make Him number 1, we have to refrain from all that He has forbidden and do all that He has commanded. We bow down to Allah, alone =)
Hope this helps, sweetie..
With all our love,