Standing in the Way

I met this brother through a matirmonial website and we really clicked. I prayed istikhara so many times and really prayed for the best. We agreed right from the beginning that we both want MARRIAGE and no dating. We share the same Islamic values and are really similar in so many things. Well, after I was sure that this was the person for me and after he had already told his dad about me, I told my parents about him and they actually seemed to welcome the prospect. They are willing to meet the brother. The only problem is...his mother! She does not want him to get married because he has no degree, no career and no house.  Alhumdulliah he has a good job (not his career) but he is making good money, he is paying for his school, he only has a month or two left before he has completed his degree. And we were only planning to do an engagement first because I still haven't finished my degree, either. It's just really frustrating me. He is responsible and only Allah determines how much a person makes and what career.  He told me that his parents are materialistic and cultural. And he is different from his parents and tries to follow the sunnh and want to marry young and I as well want to get married to him. Yes we did not or I didn't have my parents involved right away and yes have family support is crucial..I know I was wrong in that, but now we're trying to fix it. His dad agrees and my parents. Why is his mother being difficult , making something halaal haram?! It's just the typical brown family unreasonable requirements only to impress other people :(, we are both devastated and he said he would try to talk to his parents again. My parents are expecting a phone call from his side, I dnt know what to tell my parents, and I don't want to lose him :(..I have been making so much dua for this situation to get better..

Dearest Heartbroken,

 

awww, sister! I really feel for you! What a difficult difficult situation you are in.You feel like you've finally found the person FOR YOU and yet...his mother is standing in the way. What's even stranger is that your parents understand his situation but for some reason, the "materialistic and cultural" problems are coming from his side!

So what can we say?

 

Well, while it can be very easy to point the [blame] finger on his mother, we do have to consider a number of things. First, that you did pray istikharah. You say that you prayed it a number of times. Well, hun, this could be istikhara at work. Remember, praying istikharah means that you ask Allah to make things easier for you if it is better for you and to distance it from you if it isn't good for you.

 

I know that right now you feel like "he's the one" and that "he is good for you", but when you pray istikhara, you should be turning the matter over to Allah to decide. Allah is All Knowledgeable and He, alone, knows if someone is good for you or not.  It's hard for me to type this and I know that you're probably not going to like this part, but the truth is...sometimes, you can be attracted to a person and share a lot of similarities with them, but they don't turn out to be the person for you.  Maybe this whole experience was meant to provide you with a "lesson" to learn....maybe this man was meant to play a different role in your life than that of your husband.

Second of all, maybe his mother really does know that her son is not financially ready or responsible for marriage, yet. Maybe she's worried that he's getting into too much than he can handle right now...and that he's dragging you into it, too. You say that he's a responsible person but you've only known him from what he's told you about himself...and you've only known her from what he's also told you about her. He told you that she's "materialistic and cultural" and he's given you an impression that he is responsbile....You really need to look into that. Is there any way you can verify that he does have how much he's told you? Can your parents call his workplace? How much have you relied on what he's told you and how much have you actually researched?

On the other hand, maybe it is the whole [what you described] "brown family" story. Maybe his mother has always had certain expectations and dreams for her son. You know, how much money he'll make, when he'll get married, and maybe even, who he'll marry or what kind of girl she'll be like and all of this is not going according to her plan. That's actually pretty normal of any parents...but the question is: to what extent does he play the role she wants?

He is a grown man, isn't he? How has he shown you that he can make his own choices?

 

In other words: What kind of solutions has he offered his mother? Has he offered you?

Has he explained to his mother that you are only discussing having an engagement for now? Did he try writing up a "plan" for when he's going to get married and "how" he's going to be able to support you? IF he didn't, why don't you suggest that he does make some sort of budget and that he shows it to his own mother and to your parents?

 

What else can he do? What about having the Imam of the mosque talk to his mother? Or maybe an aunt or someone else?

 

The other thing to consider though is can you deal with this kind of "family"/ this type of mother in law? You see, sister, marriage is not just about 2 persons coming together. In many ways it's about 2 families joining together. Would you be able to deal with this kind of personality or not?

 

And as for your parents waiting for a phone call....Tell him that. Explain to him that "now, you've involved your parents and would like further communication to be done with them, involved." That means...no more private messaging and emails. It's time for everything to be out in the open. That should move him into action. If it doesn't, you'll get an idea of where you/and his marriage plans really stand now. Another possibility is that you decide to "delay" things for a bit. Maybe your father can make an agreement with him that he can come back in 6 months time/ after he's started his Masters and finished his degree and contact your family for marriage. In the meantime, you are free to look at other suitors, just in case it turns out he's not the one for you.

 

 

Well, sister, that's the best I can offer you. I hope the other sisters here can also offer you their advice on the matter. 

May Allah give you what is best!