:( to :)

Assalamualikum! 
My life has been nothing but tears since the last 10 years since my father had been paralyzed. It kind of took away all the happiness. Since then things have been becoming just harder. We have been deprived of so many little happiness that I really can't explain. Financially we are going at loss too.Plus, a few years back I committed some terrible mistakes and I had kept repeating them in spite of knowing how wrong I was. My faith weakened :(
But recently I have came to realise how big a mistake I have done and believe me I cry nights begging for forgiveness from Allah. I really want to change myself but then I start having weird dreams that makes me realize I'm so bad.
All the time I feel like crying and crying thinking how hard I might get punished and seeking forgiveness. I have promised not to do that ever again but I don't feel myself at peace. I feel regret and pain and tears all the time because of what I have done, because of seeing my father like this and because I have no one who can tell me a way out of this.
My mom remains busy with my father since he is ill. She has never tried to talk to me or understand my silence. She does a lot for me for which I'm grateful but I need a friend in her. She does not really understand me.
Please tell me what should I do to change myself?Why don't I feel happy at all?In spite of crying and seeking forgiveness, why don't I feel the inner peace? :'(How would I know that I have been forgiven?How should I forget my past and move on?I have tried but I fail all the time. :'(
I'm just so shattered and alone!
Please help me! Restless

Wa'alaikumussalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh! Dearest Restless,

Let me give you a big, virtual bear hug! I want to tell you that I truly love you for the sake of Allah from the bottom of my heart. ♥  And I sincerely apologize for the delay in writing this post. What can I say but please forgive me?

As for your question, I'm sorry to hear that your family is going through such difficulties. I can imagine your father's paralysis and your financial situation as being very trying. But sis, remind yourself of our prophet Ayyub. Prophet Ayyub was at first given many blessings, but was then given several tests which remind me of yours all at a close time. He lost a lot of his wealth and his financial situation completely changed...Not only that, many of his own children and family members died. At the same time, he was afflicted with a very very difficult disease. But alhamdillah, Ayyub stayed patient though and clung to his faith...Rather than turning away from Allah, he turned to Allah and prayed.

"Truly adversity has afflicted me and You are Most Merciful of all who show mercy." (Surah 21: Verse 83)

Allah accepted his prayer. The Holy Quran affirms:

"Then We heard his prayer and removed that adversity from which he suffered, and We gave him his household and the like thereof along with them, a mercy from Our store and remembrance for the worshippers." (Surah 21: Verse 84)

And that's what we have to remember, sis.

This story teaches us that .. everything will be okay in the end. If it's not o.k., then it's not the end.

Just remember, before the dawn is the darkest time...Before the rainbow, there are rain showers.

SubhanAllah, perhaps your family is really loved by Allah. Perhaps these trials are meant to raise your ranks to a very high place in jannah or erase your sins.

Abu Hurayrah (Radiya Allah Anhoo) reported that the Prophet (Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said: " Whenever Allah wills good for a person, He subjects him to adversity" [Bukharee and others]

Anas (Radiya Allah Anhoo) reported that the Prophet (Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said: " The amount of reward is in accordance with the amount of suffering. When Allah (Subhanoo wa' Tala) loves some people, He tries them (with affliction). He who then is content (with Allah's decree) has achieved the acceptance (of Allah), and he who is dissatisfied (with Allah's decree) will attain the anger (of Allah)." [Tirmithee]

Abu Sa'eed al-Khudree (Radiya Allah Anhoo) reported that the Prophet (Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said: "A Muslim is not afflicted by hardship, sickness, sadness, worry, harm, or depression - even if pricked by a thorn, but Allah expiates his sins because of that. " [Bukharee and Muslim]

Just hang in there. The tests you are going through are purifying you just like pure gold is purified.

As for the "sins" that you did, I'd like to ask you a favor. Could you read our earlier posts here:

http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2010/08/it.html
http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2012/04/sinsinsin.html

But, don't worry! I am going to add some more. Sis, stop for one moment and remember who Allah is.

Allah is Al Tawwab, the "One Who Accepts Repentance" again and again. 

 “Except those who repent and correct themselves and make evident [what they concealed]. Those – I will accept their repentance, and I am the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.” (Qur’an 2:160)

[O Muhammad], inform My servants that it is I who am the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Qur’an 15:49)

“[…] indeed He is ever, to the often returning [to Him], Forgiving.” (Qur’an 17:25)

 “And whoever does a wrong or wrongs himself but then seeks forgiveness of Allah will find Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 4:110) 

Even Pharoah or Firawn was given another chance. I don't think you could have done anything compared to Firawan...yet, look at Allah's Mercy:

When his Lord called to him in the sacred valley of Tuwa, (16) "Go to Pharaoh. Indeed, he has transgressed. (17) And say to him, 'Would you [be willing to] purify yourself (18) And let me guide you to your Lord so you would fear [Him]?'[Surat Al Na'ziat]

It is said that the angel Gabriel  purposely wanted to drown Fir'awn so that he wouldn't get chance to call out in repentance or tawhid because even then, Allah would have forgiven him. 

Sis, it is part of human nature that we sin. The important thing is what happens after we sin.

Narrated by Muslim, 2749. And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2499; classed as hasan by al-Albaani. 

Look at the story of Adam and Shaytaan. Both disobeyed Allah...Yet, it was their reaction after their disobedience that made all the difference. Adam turned back to Allah and felt guilty and bad...He repented. Shaytaan refused to acknowledge that he had done something wrong.

“If the people knew how much Allah helps the weak ones, they would never even grab iron poles (to strike others with). Truly, Allah `azza wa jall feels shy upon seeing His slave extend his two hands towards Him, asking Him for goodness, that He should return them empty (and unanswered).”--Salman al-Farsi (ra)

You said you still feel guilty. Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean that you haven't been forgiven. What you need to do though is to use that guilt to motivate you to do more good deeds and not to despair. Never ever let your sins make you despair, because I swear to you, whatever sin you have done, it is nothing compared to Allah's Mercy.

“Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.’” (Qur’an 39:53)

Instead, seize each day as an opportunity to make up for the past...Race to do good deeds. Arafat is coming up, sister! This is the perfect opportunity for YOU :) And also the other ten days of Dhul-Hujja.

Fasting the Day of Ara'fat makes you forgiven for 2 years:

The Prophet (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said:  “Be content with the fact that Allah will expiate for your sins for a whole year before the day of Arafat and the year after the day of Arafat”! [Saheeh Muslim]

Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him and his father) also reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "There is no deed more precious in the sight of Allaah, nor greater in reward, than a good deed done during the ten days of Sacrifice." He was asked, "Not even jihaad for the sake of Allaah?" He said, "Not even jihaad for the sake of Allaah, except in the case of a man who went out to fight giving himself and his wealth up for the cause, and came back with nothing." (Reported by al-Daarimi, 1/357; itsisnaad is hasan as stated in al-Irwaa’, 3/398).

What else? You can always consider praying 2 Rakhat for repentance, too. 

Abu Dawood (1521) narrated that Abu Bakr al-Siddeeq (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “There is no one who commits a sin then purifies himself well and stands and prays two rak’ahs, then asks Allaah for forgiveness, but Allaah will forgive him.

Read more about it here: http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/98030/prayer%20of%20repentance

 This is also another link on "Means of Expiating Sins": http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/13693/prayer%20of%20repentance

Please, please read this beautiful, thought-provoking post right here. I've attached the link below and think it can really help you in your situation. 

http://cucumberr.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/the-eyes-shed-tears/

And keep making dua: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Allah is nobly reserved and generous. He feels shy from a servant who raises to Him his two hands to turn them away empty.” [Sunan al-Trimidhî and Musnad Ahmad with an authentic chain of transmission]


Well sister, I hope this helps you a bit. Again, I apologize for taking so long :( 

Little Auntie  & Apple Blossoms