>> Saturday, December 22, 2012
Men, guys, dudes, the opposite gender. WHATEVER you want to call them, they elicit an exasperated sigh, and shrug of the shoulders from me. I have two problems. 1. I have an issue with guys staring at me. It’s is really A HUGE BURDEN for me, and is more complicated given my second problem .2. I am ULTRA SHY, near agoraphobic. I can’t interact with my classmates and I just can’t seem to communicate with people away from my home life. I get ubber-tressed and it really affects my concentration in school. Every semester since I can remember I’ve had one or two guys who are PERSISTENT in staring at me. It’s ridiculous. Always in class. They are not guys I socialize with, or guys who even TALK to me. They just stare. You have to realize that these guys are not attracted to me because of my physical beauty, but only stare at me. I have features that are, ‘strange’ or ‘unreal’ for someone of my ethnic group and so to some extent I can understand the looking, but not to the way I’ve experienced it. My first semester there was this guy who stared at me for two hours and evidently failed the class. I had the personality back then when such a thing was funny. This never use to be a problem because I didn’t use to wear hijab or dress the way I should, but since I began to dress modestly and wore hijab I thought it’d end. I just get ‘stared’, which for me signifies ‘cruel and unusual punishment.’ People I’ve told tell me I’m being ‘paranoid’ or ‘cute’, aka, conceited. The one thing I do know is that, I feel hurt, like I’m the red ball in a cluster of white balls. And I can’t ignore it. There is always a guy in my class EVERY semester who thinks its fun to stare mysteriously at me for hours. First, I’m in denial, then I get flattered (just a little), then I get irked, then someone turns on the dial to full-blown annoyance, and I can’t function. AT ALL. And lastly, I fall for the person. The last is the worse symptom I have. This semester there is this guy in my class, and like the previous guys stares at me ALL DAY, and makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do, he is present in my school life. I’m EXTRA shy, so it irks me to a level even my sister thinks is paranoia, I’ve told her and she doesn’t believe it when I describe how all my seat-changes don’t matter to the guy. NOTE: he sits at the very front. This brings the ridiculous question of ‘how can he keep looking at you while he’s in the front’ Oh, yes it’s possible, very much so. I’ve lost all humor for this kind of situation. I can always see him in my peripheral vision, even if I lower my gaze, which is hard to do and learn at the same time. So WHAT am I supposed to do? I could imagine this guy is a stalker and I should report him or something extreme like that, then there will just be ANOTHER GUY. Plus this guy is one of the people at school whose practically everyone’s friend, he’s known to be intelligent, caring, and an overall pleasant guy, someone who values education and is very soft-tempered. The problem is I’ve partially fallen for this guy. There is something about him, he seems almost muslim-ish, but I’m doubtful. I don’t know why a guy like that has such an ugly side, or rather ALL GUYS seem to have this ugly side when it comes to me. I cringe as I write all this!! I’m really embarrassed!!! So, give it to me straight aunties, am I being paranoid, or just simply conceited and I need a reality check.I think this all bothers me so much (because I’m a psycho, and you should send me a psych referral with you answers, or…) I’m deadly shy and insecure. Tips to overcome this?Sorry for the really, really long rambling letter!!!