>> Sunday, January 6, 2013
I thought I would ask you for your advice and opinion because this is eating me up inside but I’m not sure where to start since it is all jumbled up in my head. It’s confusing even for me to explain.
When I was growing up, I was quite a tomboy; had short hair, played with boys and played those guy-sports. And because I looked and acted boyish, there were two girls who liked me in high school and it turned out that I was in a relationship with one of them during my senior years. But even when I was with her, I didn’t like the physical affection and always felt that it was ‘not right’. Even at that point of time, I would constantly have this internal conflict of whether I was gay or not. On one hand, I was attracted to her but then, I didn’t like being touched so intimately by another girl. We broke off later because the relationship didn’t work out.
A few years after, I decided to become a more practicing Muslim and I have started wearing hijab and abandoned a lot of things from my ‘old’ life. At least I am trying my best but it seems to haunt me even till today. I am close friends with sisters only now (previously I had close male friends) and some of them can be quite affectionate. There is one particular sister whom I am close to and she would always go all the way to help me out even when I didn’t ask her to. She would always become concerned whenever I fall ill and would take good care of me. We hang out quite often and I am comfortable around her. Sometimes I feel as though she’s flirting with the way she acts around me and the things she says but she had said before that she treats me like her younger sibling since she is much older. I’m not sure if that’s true because sometimes she can get quite close to me and I wonder if she is doing it on purpose. (Also, she does not know anything about my past)
It’s been years since I felt this way about another girl and I really really really don’t want to go back to my old ways. But I can’t stop thinking about her and I admit that I want to be around her often. I’ve stopped myself from frequently messaging her and tried to lessen any physical contact with her. But I cannot avoid her because we work together for projects and we take the same courses too. I’m considering finding a husband but that should not be the solution if I cannot even sort myself out. Is it wrong that I feel this way towards her? I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore.