How Do I Get Along With my Mum?

Assalamualikum Dear Aunties! My Problem is I'm 19 and I still dont get along with my mum. People say, a girl's first best friend is her mum. But nt so in my case. We are so similar that we clash and we are different like poles apart at the same time. I don't want to be a bad daughter. I know if mum is not happy with me Allah wont be. But how do I get along with her? Everything that I do annoys her, I'm not a socialist, I'm emotionally and socially handicap. She doesn't like that about me. I like being in my room, keeps me comfortable and makes me feel secure. she hates that as well. Its not that I dont love her, but she pushes my buttons and I answer her back (I cry afterwards for doing tht). I dont think I can ever be on the same page as her. I know she loves me as well. And as I said before I'm emotionally handicap so I dont really say I love you to the people I love, they just get the msg, but apparently my mom doesn't. I just dont want Allah to be angry with me. Please help me out.

 Aww sister, it’s great that you care so much about being a good daughter, mashallah. Don’t worry, inshallah with time, you too can be best friends with your mum.

I know it can be frustrating to feel that you’re not being a good daughter. The reality is that your relationship with our mom, like all relationships, requires work. It’s not always easy or natural to please our parents. But if we can take an active part to improve our relationship with our moms (parents) for the sake of AllahSWT, we can accomplish it.

I recently read this great quote, “the three A’s of life: attention, affection, and appreciation.” These three words really are the ingredients to any good relationship. Try to think of a person in your life who you have a great relationship e.g. your best friend. You’ll notice that you naturally give them attention, affection, and appreciation. You also receive them and that’s what makes your relationship great! You can use these three A’s to get along with your mom as well. Here’s how you can apply the three A’s to your situation.

Attention: Attention is the art of listening. Active listening is not merely hearing. Active listening is without any distractions or any interruptions. So the next time your mom’s speaking to you, you can give her attention by completely turning your face and body towards her, asking appropriate questions, and rephrasing any instructions she gives you. For example: “Mmhmm…O.K… I see…all right mom, so you want me to clean my room, vacuum the living room, and do my homework?

 Another way you can pay attention to your mom is by asking her what she needs. Better yet, pay attention to the things she likes done and surprise her by doing one of those things spontaneously. It can be as simple as making her favorite tea for her. J

Affection: As we know, along with the content of what we say, how we say them is equally if not more important. The same statement: “Hi” can mean different things depending on how we phrase it. So our tone is very important. When it comes to your mom, talk in a soothing, sweet voice. Especially when you are sharing a differing opinion, do so in a kind, affectionate tone.

Appreciation: Everybody loves to be appreciated. It shows that the other person noticed. When it comes to your mom, compliment her on the things she does for you. For instance you could compliment her cooking. Especially if she tries out a new recipe, show her you noticed and encourage her. This may seem small but it’s amazing how much this works wonders. I’ve tried it with my mother; trust me, it works. Just think how it feels when someone we care about compliments us on something we worked hard on. It shows they appreciated us.

Now about saying: “I love you,” don’t worry if it’s hard to say “I love you”. There are other ways you can show your mom that you love and care about her.

Have you heard about The Five Languages of Love? Words of Affirmation, Spending Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Find whichever ones suits your personality more AND that your mom would respond to.  For instance, if you feel that your mom loves to hear words of affirmation, then you can still do that but in ways that are more comfortable for you. For example:  you could write her a small note on the fridge or text her: “I love you, mom.”  

A great example of the Physical Touch language of love is found in the Sunnah of our beloved Nabi Salallahu alayhi wa salam. Follow the Sunnah of the Prophet (S) in how he greeted his daughter Fatima(RA) when she would visit him and how she would greet her father when he would visit her.

Aisha Bint Talha quoted Aisha as saying: 

"I have not seen anyone more similar to the Messenger in speech and dialogue than Fatima. Whenever she entered the house, he would greet her, kiss her hands and ask her to sit near him. Likewise, when he entered the house, she would greet him, kiss his hands and etc....."

So the next time you greet your mom, what do ya say, you give her a big ol’, toothy smile, delicate kiss on the cheek or hands, a great, bear hug and an “Assalamu Alaikum!” J  Make it a habit to greet her in a special way, and it’ll inshallah create warmth between you and your mom.

You also mentioned that you are similar to your mom, then inshallah it’ll be easier to bond with her. The next time your mom says something that you agree with, let it be known! Say: “I know how you feel.” And “That’s exactly how I feel, mom!”

Also joking with your mom! Since you know you have things in common, you could use this to joke with her. For example:

You: “You know mom, I noticed you like your mint tea with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

Mom: …

You: “I do too!”

Or

You: “Let’s have some mint tea with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, since that’s both of our favorite.” [*smiles*]

Mom: “Ok…”

Or

You: “Now I know where I got that love for mint tea and chocolate chip cookies, you must have had a lot of it when you were pregnant with me. [*smile*]”

Mom: “Oh stop it, you. [*Smiles*] You know, now that you mentioned it, I did. That’s why you were orange for a long time.”

You: “What?! I was orange. I didn't know that…”

Lol, maybe that won’t happen. J But you get the gist. Don't be scared to act silly and have light conversations with your mom. You don’t want her to only remember the heated arguments you had with her. So create these happy memories and Inshallah it will overshadow the not so great ones of the past.

O.K., so you also brought up how you don’t like to socialize. I want to tell you that it’s ABSOLUTELY O.K. Being introverted is a personality just like being extroverted is, so don’t beat yourself up over that. Embrace that part of you as being introverted is associated with a lot of benefits. I can relate as I also love spending time alone. It helps me recharge and think in peace. There’s nothing wrong with it inherently. However if it bothers your mom that you spend too much time in your room, try to leave your room once in a while to spend some more quality time with her. Remember the length of time doesn’t matter as long as you spend meaningful time with her. Also communicate with her to find out what about you staying in your room bothers her. Asking her directly will help you pinpoint what exactly she needs so that both of you won’t be so frustrated, inshallah.

Also, being introverted doesn’t have to stop you from showing others how you feel. Despite the fact that we may think others should just know how we feel, that’s not the case. We really have to be explicit whether it’s in giving a compliment, constructive feedback, or even sharing how we feel about something. If you feel that talking about your feelings is uncomfortable, try other modes like writing. It could even be as simple as a smile or a hug.

Now I want to give you a sort of disclaimer: Changing how you act with your mom might not give you immediate results. I know from experience it’s hard to change how we interact with our family members. So it may feel awkward and forced at first. You might get shot down or be questioned that you’re being unlike yourself the first few times. You might also stumble and make mistakes along the way.  But don’t give up! Slowly incorporate all of these ideas and soon they’ll become a part of you. Let me give you an example. Do you know how to ride a bicycle? Remember how it felt the first few times? It felt weird and so new but after some practice you learned to ride it to the point that it became second-nature. So much so that you can’t even believe that it was ever so difficult to ride a bike. It’s just the same with this situation. The more you practice these steps, the easier and more second-nature they’ll be inshallah.

I want to finish off by saying this: We become so used to our parents being patient with us when we were younger that we take it for granted. But there comes a time where we find we have to start being patient with them. Just like they used to s speak in a kind tone with us, and have to explain (sometimes multiple times) the things we didn’t understand, we have to now. We have to be the ones to bite our tongues and forgive them. We have to take the first step in trying to understand their point-of-view if we want them to understand ours. It’s hard sometimes but inshallah we’ll get immense reward for being obedient to our parents.

May AllahSWT bless you and your family. Much <3

P.s. Here are more articles about: Definition of an Introvert, Introvert Myths, Finding your Voice as an Introvert, Introverts and Small Talk. Enjoy!