Assalamualikum Dear Aunties! My Problem is I'm 19 and I still dont get along with my mum. People say, a girl's first best friend is her mum. But nt so in my case. We are so similar that we clash and we are different like poles apart at the same time. I don't want to be a bad daughter. I know if mum is not happy with me Allah wont be. But how do I get along with her? Everything that I do annoys her, I'm not a socialist, I'm emotionally and socially handicap. She doesn't like that about me. I like being in my room, keeps me comfortable and makes me feel secure. she hates that as well. Its not that I dont love her, but she pushes my buttons and I answer her back (I cry afterwards for doing tht). I dont think I can ever be on the same page as her. I know she loves me as well. And as I said before I'm emotionally handicap so I dont really say I love you to the people I love, they just get the msg, but apparently my mom doesn't. I just dont want Allah to be angry with me. Please help me out.
Aww sister, it’s great that you care so much about
being a good daughter, mashallah. Don’t worry, inshallah with time, you too can
be best friends with your mum.
I know it can be frustrating to feel that you’re not
being a good daughter. The reality is that your relationship with our mom, like
all relationships, requires work. It’s not always easy or natural to please our
parents. But if we can take an active part to improve our relationship with our
moms (parents) for the sake of AllahSWT, we can accomplish it.
I recently read this great quote, “the three A’s of
life: attention, affection, and appreciation.”These three words really are the
ingredients to any good relationship. Try to think of a person in your life who
you have a great relationship e.g. your best friend. You’ll notice that you
naturally give them attention, affection, and appreciation. You also receive
them and that’s what makes your relationship great! You can use these three A’s
to get along with your mom as well. Here’s how you can apply the three A’s to
your situation.
Attention:Attention is the art of listening. Active listening is not merely hearing. Active
listening is without any distractions or any interruptions. So the next time your
mom’s speaking to you, you can give her attention by completely turning your
face and body towards her, asking appropriate questions, and rephrasing any instructions
she gives you. For example: “Mmhmm…O.K… I see…all right mom, so you want me to
clean my room, vacuum the living room, and do my homework?
Another way
you can pay attention to your mom is by asking her what she needs. Better yet,
pay attention to the things she likes done and surprise her by doing one of
those things spontaneously. It can be as simple as making her favorite tea for
her. J
Affection:
As we know, along with the content of what we say, how we say them is
equally if not more important. The same statement: “Hi” can mean different
things depending on how we phrase it. So our tone is very important. When it
comes to your mom, talk in a soothing, sweet voice. Especially when you are sharing
a differing opinion, do so in a kind, affectionate tone.
Appreciation:Everybody
loves to be appreciated. It shows that the other person noticed. When it comes
to your mom, compliment her on the things she does for you. For instance you
could compliment her cooking. Especially if she tries out a new recipe, show
her you noticed and encourage her. This may seem small but it’s amazing how
much this works wonders. I’ve tried it with my mother; trust me, it works. Just
think how it feels when someone we care about compliments us on something we
worked hard on. It shows they appreciated us.
Now about saying: “I love you,” don’t worry if it’s
hard to say “I love you”. There are other ways you can show your mom that
you love and care about her.
Have you heard about The Five Languages of Love? Words
of Affirmation, Spending Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical
Touch. Find whichever ones suits your
personality more AND that your mom would respond to. For instance, if you feel that your mom loves
to hear words of affirmation, then you can still do that but in ways that are
more comfortable for you. For example: you
could write her a small note on the fridge or text her: “I love you, mom.”
A great example of the Physical Touch language of love
is found in the Sunnah of our beloved Nabi Salallahu alayhi wa salam. Follow the
Sunnah of the Prophet (S) in how he greeted his daughter Fatima(RA) when she
would visit him and how she would greet her father when he would visit her.
Aisha Bint Talha quoted
Aisha as saying:
"I have not seen anyone more similar to the
Messenger in speech and dialogue than Fatima. Whenever she entered the house,
he would greet her, kiss her hands and ask her to sit near him. Likewise, when
he entered the house, she would greet him, kiss his hands and etc....."
So the next time you greet your mom, what do ya say,
you give her a big ol’, toothy smile, delicate kiss on the cheek or hands, a
great, bear hug and an “Assalamu Alaikum!” J Make it a habit to greet her in a special way,
and it’ll inshallah create warmth between you and your mom.
You also mentioned that you are similar to your mom,
then inshallah it’ll be easier to bond with her. The next time your mom says
something that you agree with, let it be known! Say: “I know how you feel.” And
“That’s exactly how I feel, mom!”
Also joking with your mom! Since you know you have
things in common, you could use this to joke with her. For example:
You: “You know mom,
I noticed you like your mint tea with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.
Mom: …
You: “I do too!”
Or
You: “Let’s have
some mint tea with pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, since that’s both of our favorite.”
[*smiles*]
Mom: “Ok…”
Or
You: “Now I know
where I got that love for mint tea and chocolate chip cookies, you must have
had a lot of it when you were pregnant with me. [*smile*]”
Mom: “Oh stop it,
you. [*Smiles*] You know, now that you mentioned it, I did. That’s why you were
orange for a long time.”
You: “What?! I was
orange. I didn't know that…”
Lol, maybe that won’t happen. J
But you get the gist. Don't be scared to act silly and have light conversations with your mom. You don’t want her to
only remember the heated arguments you had with her.So create these happy
memories and Inshallah it will overshadow the not so great ones of the past.
O.K., so you also brought up how you don’t like to
socialize. I want to tell you that it’s ABSOLUTELY O.K. Being introverted is a
personality just like being extroverted is, so don’t beat yourself up over
that. Embrace that part of you as being introverted is associated with a lot of
benefits.I
can relate as I also love spending time alone. It helps me recharge and think
in peace. There’s nothing wrong with it inherently. However if it bothers your
mom that you spend too much time in your room, try to leave your room once in a
while to spend some more quality time with her. Remember the length of
time doesn’t matter as long as you spend meaningful time with her. Also
communicate with her to find out what about you staying in your room bothers her.
Asking her directly will help you pinpoint what exactly she needs so that both
of you won’t be so frustrated, inshallah.
Also, being introverted doesn’t have to stop you
from showing others how you feel. Despite the fact that we may think others should
just know how we feel, that’s not the case. We really have to be explicit whether
it’s in giving a compliment, constructive feedback, or even sharing how we feel
about something. If you feel that talking about your feelings is uncomfortable,
try other modes like writing. It could even be as simple as a smile or a hug.
Now I want to give you a sort of disclaimer:
Changing how you act with your mom might not give you immediate results. I know
from experience it’s hard to change how we interact with our family members. So
it may feel awkward and forced at first. You might get shot down or be
questioned that you’re being unlike yourself the first few times. You might
also stumble and make mistakes along the way.
But don’t give up! Slowly incorporate all of these ideas and soon
they’ll become a part of you. Let me give you an example. Do you know how to
ride a bicycle? Remember how it felt the first few times? It felt weird and so
new but after some practice you learned to ride it to the point that it became second-nature.
So much so that you can’t even believe that it was ever so difficult to ride a
bike. It’s just the same with this situation. The more you practice these
steps, the easier and more second-nature they’ll be inshallah.
I want to finish off by saying this: We become so
used to our parents being patient with us when we were younger that we take it
for granted. But there comes a time where we find we have to start being
patient with them. Just like they used to s speak in a kind tone with us, and have to explain
(sometimes multiple times) the things we didn’t understand, we have to now. We
have to be the ones to bite our tongues and forgive them. We have to take the
first step in trying to understand their point-of-view if we want them to understand
ours. It’s hard sometimes but inshallah we’ll get immense reward for being
obedient to our parents.
asalamoalikum
I know its important to be good daughter in islam but its hard! Im lazy- i dont mean to be! my mother works hard every day and i keep promising myself that i will help my mother . She goes thru so many pressure bc she works all day long!!! Now she has high blood pressure. she cooks, cleans, washes the clothes. she does everything! I feel guilty and beg forvgiveness from Allah. I admit i dont help my mother with chores bt i have homework to do. And then everyone wants a break rite? so i just go online for a while. but my life is like realy busy! how can i make my mother happy? My mother hates me now. I dont blame her. im almost 16 & idk how to cook, sew, clean. D: my life iz a mess! where do i start ?!??!? helpp!
BTWS i am soo happy that i came across ur blog! its like the best thing thats happened to mee!
-worst daughter in history
Dear Sister,
First of all! I don’t think you’re a horrible person or that your mother completely hates you, sweetie. She maybe just feels underappreciated and resents the fact that she has to do everything for everyone all the time. Let’s face it. That is a lot of work. She wants to feel like she has a little support from you guys, that’s all.
And I know that you said that you want to help her but your day already feels done by the time you come home from school and finish your homework….. and all you want is some time for yourself. I know how that feels. I do!
But, let’s stop for a moment and let’s think about our Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam. Can you imagine how busy he was? I mean, he was literally responsible for spreading the deen of Allah to everyone…..and yet, he found the time to help out a bit in the house and let his wives know that he understood how much work they did. If he could do that, and he literally had the weight of the whole Ummah on his shoulders, then you can do it, too! You just need a little time management and planning and you can turn this all around =) Because remember, as tired as you are- you said it yourself….Your mom is equally tired. And let’s be honest…she needs a little help, especially, if she is like my mother and she’s getting a little older. It’s time for her to start getting royal treatment and to feel like she has raised some strong, capable women.
So, I want you to just think about the different chores that need to be done around the house. There are those chores that need to be done each day (washing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking out the trash, cooking lunch and dinner, etc) and then, those that are done once or twice a week (cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, etc- depending on your family’s views on cleanliness, hehe). And then there are the chores that need to be done every couple of weeks (cleaning the windows- washing the fridge- washing the carpet and curtains, etc). Now can you appreciate how much work your mother has been doing? Not to mention keeping everyone well fed, too, right? Ma’shaAllah.
So, then, what can you do, then?
Well, here are a few aunty suggestions.
Start with the Simple Things:
Make a little checklist for yourself with simple things you can do daily, such as:
-Do your own bed each day-
-Wash your own dinner plates
-Put your own dirty clothes in the hamper
-Take responsibility for folding and arranging your laundry
-Iron your own clothes
If you and your siblings leave things all around the house, try and get a little more organized.Put things back where they belong instead of waiting until everything is one gigantic mess. That will definitely help both you and your mom. If you need to get like some ‘little drawers’ to organize everything, do it!
Since you don’t have that much time on your hands, you want every moment to really count. Ask your mom what are her least favorite things to do around the house are and agree to help her get those done. (Of course, it would even be more fantastic if you decided you’d do them, yourself.)
Try to get up an hour earlier during the WEEKEND and dedicate that to making sure the house is nice and neat.
See if you can get everyone else involved in your family (too) to start helping out more. If you have younger sisters/ brothers, you can even make it fun…who doesn’t like water and bubbles, after all?
One thing I want to caution you about is getting all hyped up and cleaning the entire house in one day and then just totally losing any interest. That’s not really going to help your mom. Instead, your mom needs your commitment – so instead of going all clean maniac on her, try to focus on making sure you help out a LITTLE each day. Remember the list in point 1.
InshaAllah, all of this is going to put a big smile on your mom’s face. Remind yourself that the more you do it, the faster you’ll get at it, and the less time it will take.
And remind yourself that this can all count as worship. Yup. Just don’t forget to make your intention sincerely to Allah that you want to help your mother. When you do that, inshaAllah, you’ll be getting lots of ajr, inshaAllah.
Oh and sister, don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m not a great cook (in fact, my brother describes my food as either really weird/ just disgusting) and I don’t know how to sew…But you know what? It’s never too late!
A great way to learn how to cook is to hang out a bit with your mom in the kitchen. Just watch what your mom does and don’t be afraid to ask her questions. In fact, this is a great opportunity for you guys to have some daughter-mom time and I’m sure your mom will feel flattered. And then, don’t just stop there- ask your grandma/ aunt/ neighbor/ friend…anytime somebody makes something just delicious, ask away.
Of course, you can always get some cooking books/ sign up for a cooking newsletter. Or how about watching some cooking TV shows?
The same goes for sewing…if your mom knows how, ask her to help you get started. And check online for youtube tutorials…
You can do this, sister. I believe in you.
Looking forward to hearing from our readers about any cooking/ cleaning tips they may know that can help out.
P.S. How about letting ‘online’ come to you while you clean? Nah, I haven’t gone bonkers—I mean, do you like to listen to lectures and stuff? You could listen to them while you clean. The 2 in 1 method :)
"As'salam alaikum,
Sisters, I need your advice. I know that we are supposed to respect our parents, especially our mother. However, what I find it most difficult to do is to respect my mother. I can't help but really dislike how my mother speaks ill of others, curses and swears daily, and at times I would be badly scolded for things I never do just because of assumptions she makes. I can't talk to her rationally because to point out all these would mean I've just earned my place in the 'gallows'. When I was younger, I wanted to run away from home because of her. In our Asian culture, parents never 'talk things out' with their kids. We just have screaming matches with each other when situation gets worser.
To be honest, I don't have much respect left but I know that I HAVE to.Sometimes I have this urge to be very rude to her but most of the times I've stopped myself from doing so. I'm sorry if this question make it seem like I'm horrible daughter (maybe I am) but unfortunately not everyone is blessed with nice parents. I understand that my mother is not perfect and neither am I but I can't help feeling that way. Any advice for me? "
Horrible Sis
Dear “Horrible Sis”,
You're not a horrible sis. At least you recognize that you need to change! The truth is this is an issue that I struggle with, myself, daily- so I was happy to get your question because it was an opportunity for me to talk to myself, first. I wish I was being humble but I’m not- I am nowhere near where I should be with my parents. I only pray that Allah helps all of us struggling with this to change and to become the “apple” of our mama’s eyes, especially.
Before I write my advice, the first thing I want to make clear to you is that your Lord knows all that you do. Every act of obedience, every time that you refrain from saying something wrong, every time that your mother has unjustly accused you of something - Allah knows. And rest assured that He will never let any of your acts go unrewarded.
…and whatever good you put forward for yourselves - you will find it with Allah. Indeed, Allah of what you do, is Seeing. (2: 110)
In fact, the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:
"I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right...
You see? Allah will never let your rights and due go. NEVER. Once you are able to fully appreciate that, you can truly move on and begin the process of a new YOU and a new relationship with your mother...
But of course, that's not all I have to say. To truly begin this new relationship with your mother:
1. You must begin by acknowledging what your mother has done for you.
Yes, your mother says hurtful comments and she makes very wrong assumptions against you and I know how much that can hurt. Yes, she put you down- maybe embarrassed you in front of your friends/ relatives…smacked you a couple of times….
But there are thousands of things that she did for you that you can’t remember…that you might not even know. Do you honestly know how many dreams your mom had to sacrifice when she had you? Do you know how many times she didn’t buy herself something because she wanted to buy you something? Do you know how many times she put you above herself? As much as we like to think that we are aware of our parents’ sacrifices, we can never really know. Only Allah Subhanoo Wa' Tala knows what your mother did for you- only He knows how much she gave up for you.
Even though we don’t know everything she did- let’s try to think about some of the things, together. What about pregnancy- yeah, I know- imams and moms throw that card out there a lot. But there’s a very good reason….I want you to read about pregnancy. Seriously- read about it. It’s not pretty, you know. Think about how you feel when you have a stomach ache- when you feel nauseous- when you can’t keep anything down. Think about how you feel when you can’t sleep and when your back aches…when your chest is sore...Now, think about it lasting not one or two days…not even a month…no, think about feeling yucky for 40 weeks. 280 DAYS! I know people talk about faces glowing and what not, but for many people pregnancy is an ordeal. A day in and day out ordeal that lasts for months….And if your mother was like mine, she didn’t even have a chance to take it easy because she still had lots of chores , other kids to look after, and things that needed to be done.
Now comes the next chapter in your moms’ life. Delivery. First of all, do you know how terrified your mother was of labor? That alone counts for something- how many hours did she spend scared of what was going to happen? Do you really know how many nights your mom couldn’t sleep because she was worried about what was to come? Now onto the actual day…Let’s be honest here- labor is a VERY painful process. Movies like to make it seem funny- a woman panting, a nurse frantically screaming “Push”, and a man totally confused with what to do. That’s not what labor is. Labor is labor- it’s hours and hours of pain- gripping pain. This year my older sis had her second beautiful daughter and I had the lucky chance to spend hours in the delivery room. Screams. That’s what I heard. Not little screams- blood curdling screams of “Help me. I can’t………I can’t….I can’t….” Every time a nurse shooed me out of there, I was relieved because what I saw horrified me. The Prophet (sallah Allahoo alayhee wa salaam) didn’t call a woman who dies from childbirth a martyr without good reason! And women weren’t promised all of their sins forgiven at the first “contraction” either without good reason. (Even if your mother had a C-section, any person who has done any operation can tell you that once they cut you up, you hurt. Big time.)
I mean a Yemeni man was once making tawaaf of the House carrying his mother on his back and he asked Ibn Umar if he thought he had repaid her. Do you know what he said? “No, not even for a single moan that escaped her during child birth.” I want you to think about that- carrying a grown woman in the desert while making tawaaf- 7 times around the Kaaba. That’s not easy. But to Ibn Umar that doesn’t even equal ONE moan a mother goes through during child birth.
Back to your mother’s life…As Nouman Khan points out in one of his lectures- after delivery, you came to this world and your mother barely had time to celebrate the fact labor was done, when nurses plopped you into her arms and told her to “feed” the baby. No vacation for her- no time to rest- she’d just finished more than 9 months of work and how many hours of labor, when suddenly she was given a new job. Once again, we all like to think of breastfeeding as a beautiful process and it is….but you know what? Sometimes it hurts! Gorged breasts- leaking…waking up in the middle of the night two/ three/ four times to feed the baby. Of course, your digestive system started working- and there was drool, baby spit up, and baby diapers to deal with as well.
All this while, your mom was still recovering from labor…. I mean, a paper cut hurts two or three days- so you can imagine how sore/ fatigued she was feeling while she still had all of this to do. Just think about it- how hard is it to get out of bed when you have a cold. Now, think about how hard it would be to get out of bed when you are still bleeding heavily (sorry- to be graphic, but I got to mention it), still sore, and you’re expected to take care of someone else besides yourself. Yeah, HARD! Very hard
Feeding you- washing you- burping you- washing you again- changing your diaper day after day- taking you to the doctor for your vaccinations- like me, you probably can’t remember those days. But you know what: your mom can. And if she thinks she deserves your respect because of that- can you blame her?
2. If your heart still feels a little cold, it’s time we bring out some videos
And of course, some concrete Islamic points… because the truth is, God gave your mom rights over you. And He made them very clear. Check out this link for ahadith and ayaat.
I’m going to mention some other points that aren’t mentioned in that links.
a. Let’s look at the scene where Ibrahim tells his son (alayhum as salaam), that he has to slaughter him in the Quran. I want you to really think about what was happening- his father was telling him he was going to kill him because he had a “dream”. Now, how did he react? With complete and utter obedience. Why do you think the Quran shows us that story? No doubt we’re supposed to learn the lesson of submission to God but we’re also supposed to learn from Ismail’s behavior.
What did he say?
And when he reached with him [the age of] exertion, he said, "O my son, indeed I have seen in a dream that I [must] sacrifice you, so see what you think." He said, "O my father, do as you are commanded. You will find me, if Allah wills, of the steadfast." (37: 102)
b. The Quran shows you two kinds of fathers- a good father (like Loqman) and a not so good father (Azar- Ibrahim’s father). But you know what? We don’t see how Loqman’s son treats him- but here’s the interesting thing. We do see how Ibrahim treats his dad. Let's take a look at the whole scenario:
19:42 [Mention] when he said to his father, "O my father, why do you worship that which does not hear and does not see and will not benefit you at all?....
O my father, indeed I fear that there will touch you a punishment from the Most Merciful so you would be to Satan a companion [in Hellfire]." (45)[His father] said, "Have you no desire for my gods, O Abraham? If you do not desist, I will surely stone you, so avoid me a prolonged time." (46)[Abraham] said, "Peace will be upon you. I will ask forgiveness for you of my Lord. Indeed, He is ever gracious to me. (47)
First of all, the Arabic word that Prophet Ibrahim was “Ya Abati” which is the nicest form/most loving way to address your father.
Second, you see what Azar's response was? He was literally telling his son Ibrahim to abandon God and worship the ‘idols’ that he created. Heck, he was literally threatening to kill Prophet Ibrahim, and yet, Prophet Ibrahim still talked to him in a respectful manner. Your mom might be saying the most 'unislamic things', but she is probably nowhere near Azar who was telling Ibrahim to worship idols...and still, Prophet Ibrahim addressed him in the most gentle way. Why? Because as the Quran makes it clear, we don’t respect our parents because they respect us, but we respect them because of the rights given to them by Allah.
c. What else? Well, we’ve mentioned this before in the blog, but I think it’s a great reminder. Let’s look at the ayah where Allah tells Prophet Moses to talk to Pharoah.
Go, both of you, to Pharaoh. Indeed, he has transgressed. (43) And speak to him with gentle speech that perhaps he may be reminded or fear [Allah]."(44) (Surat Taha)
Now, do you think Moses (alayhee as salaam) had any reason to respect Pharoah- the man who called himself God? No WAY. But you know what? Allah still commanded Prophet Moses to speak gently to him. Woah- I really doubt that your mother calls on people to worship her- yes, she might enforce her opinions on the family but does she ask you guys to literally worship her? So, do you honestly think she deserves worse treatment than Pharoah?
d. Remember that woman who used to fast and pray a lot? The one going to hell? Just in case you forgot, here’s the hadith…..
Abu Hurayra said, "The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was asked, 'Messenger of Allah! A certain woman prays in the night, fasts in the day, acts and gives sadaqa, but injures her neighbours with her tongue.' The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'There is no good in her. She is one of the people of the Fire.' They said, 'Another woman prays the prescribed prayers and gives bits of curd as sadaqa and does not injure anyone.' The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'She is one of the people of the Garden.'"
So how is this connected? Even though that woman prayed a lot, she was mean to her neighbors. To Allah, this made her prayers and fasts worthless. So here’s what I want you to think about….do you want to wake up one day and discover that you never prayed? Never fasted? Because if your mom isn’t happy with you-.well, let me give you (and myself) a hint:
2/2 From Abdullaah bin Umar who said, "The Lord is pleased when the parents are pleased, and is Angry when the parents are angry." Hasan as mawqoof, saheeh as marfoo' as-Saheehah 515
e. What about this ayah:
And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace, (25: 63)
We’re talking “jahiloon”- and what we’re supposed to say is just “peace”. How then should we address our parents who even if they don’t know how to show it, love us?
f. If you’re like me, you wouldn’t think about investing your money in a ribaa bank. Or you wouldn’t think about drinking? Or having a relationship out of marriage….Well, being rude to your parents is worse than all that. Just something to think about.
"The Messenger of Allaah (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said, 'shall I not inform you of the greatest of the major sins?' [three times] They said, 'of course O Messenger of Allaah!' He said, 'Associating partners with Allaah, Disobedience to the parents - then he sat, reclining - and the false statement.'… Saheeh, Ghaayatul Maraam (277)
3. Okay, now, you’ve reminded yourself that your mom has rights over you….but, you still need practical steps on how to deal with her. Let’s take it one step at a time.
One of the most important things you need to do is to let go of what you expect. Let go of what you think you deserve. Let go of the kind of mom you wish you had. Allah chose your mother for you. There are literally billions of people in this world and He, the Most Wise, the Most Loving, the Most Merciful chose her for you. And you for her. And you know what that means? That means something. It means your mother has something to offer you- and you have something to offer her. I want you to try to look at your relationship with your mother in that light. Think to yourself: what is it that Allah wants me to learn from her? What is it that my mother can give me? It could even be a chance to earn a higher position in jannah as you bear things in patience. Or maybe your mother can even teach you “what not to do”. But, for sure, there’s something she can give.
Next, I want you to re-think the way you handle conversations with your mom. There’s a big chance that your mom is equally tired of the screaming matches. Did you ever think of the fact that maybe she feels like whenever she says something, you’re going to attack her/ belittle her thoughts….I know what you’re thinking- but you haven’t heard what she comes up with. Illogical- contradictory- unIslamic- racist- it doesn’t matter. What I want you to do is to sift through what she says and try to find the gold. Ignore the dirt- the sand- the rocks. Look for the gold. And when you finally find something you agree with her on, or you think she does have a point (if even partial), give her credit. Make her feel good about it. Because after a hundred screaming matches, your mom might think you’re just against her and not against X, Y, and Z ideas. That’s why you need to do two main things when you talk to her- really listen. Give her a chance to explain her ideas. Ask her to clarify without sounding accusing. Give her the attention she deserves no matter what she says and equally important, be as diplomatic as possible, when disagreeing.
I once went shopping and watched a woman and her mom. The woman picked up something and then, her mom came and showed her something else. Her mom was pretty insistent that what she found was better. Now, the young woman could have said, “I don’t think so” or “Definitely not my taste”. But that’s not what said. She said, “That’s really pretty mom, but I like this one more”. I was so impressed because each one of them went away feeling good- no feelings were hurt.
Related to this, is the idea that you need to accept the fact you are the one who is going to have to change. I don’t know about you, but our parents aren’t that young. They’ve lived with their own ideas for decades…and although, it is possible they may change- it is more realistic for us to change our attitude. So you know all those things that you fight about it? I’m talking about those same fights that you have- maybe it’s about what you eat, or that shirt your mom doesn’t like, or how much time you spend on the computer…..yeah, you’re going to keep having those fights until you decide to change. Just wolf down those vegetables- get rid of that shirt- and put a time limit for the computer…you’ll be surprised at how much energy you save- and how much better you feel.
By now, this one should be obvious but you need to let go of your ego. I know it can be very hard. But when it comes to your mother, I want you to forget it completely. When your mother insults you- forces her opinions on you- does anything that really hurts your feelings, etc, I want you to take a deep breath. And to let it out slowly. And while you do that, to ask Allah to give you strength not to say anything. At that moment, just turn to Allah and say “Oh, Allah- I could reply back. But I’m not going to because You told me to be respectful. Please help me”. If you know yourself and you know you’re really going to explode, try to find some excuse to walk away. Ask yourself: what do you care about more? Jannah or your ego? Do you really want to go to hell because your mom said some rude comment and you just had to let her “have it?”
Finally, remind yourself that this is jihad. Everyone has their own struggle- thank Allah that it isn’t something worse. Remember what Bilal (May Allah be pleased with him) had to go through? Remember Sumayah (May Allah be pleased with her)- the first martyr? Having to deal with a controlling mom is nothing compared to that. If we want to join those Companions, though, we have to exert some effort and patience.
May Allah help both me and you to become better daughters.
P.S. You know what you mentioned about your mother- cursing all day and thinking ill of others- could be a sign that your mother has been hurt a lot by people. She might also suffer from some sort of clinical depression. You might want to look into that- the types of food that can ‘better her mood’ and exercises…
P.S.S. A small point for my other sisters who have grown up in a different country from our parents and who find it hard to get along with them.
Here’s the thing. We often blame our parents when we get into arguments with them. "They don't understand me!" "They just don't care!" and we promise ourselves we will be better parents, we will understand our kids and etc...But did we ever think of it from their perspective?
Our parents really could be trying their best to understand us but there are some gaps- between the way we think and the way they think and the way they were brought up (generation gaps) and between your different expectations of each other. Think of it from their perspective- do you think they ever imagined having children who preferred French fries, brownies to ‘traditional foods’ and who spoke a different language from them? Who were completely different? Probably not! Most of us imagine our kids as being our buddies and being mini-us…right?
The next time you are in an argument with your parents, just think: “What if my kids weren’t like me?”
And do a ‘perspective’ exercise. Sit down and re-write a few different arguments you’ve had but this time from your parent’s perspective. Get into their ‘shoes’ and see if they can’t understand you, well, can’t you at least understand them? =)
