Friend Fears

>> Monday, August 9, 2010

The friends I have aren't good. I've finally noticed they're
not good company for me, and when I'm with them I do the bad things they do. But
I have noone else, what do I do? Thanks.
Lonely Girl

Assalamu Alaykum LG,

Firstly, I'm really proud of you. It can be hard to recognise when your company isn't great and it's an even harder choice to want to take the step to change it. Seriously, hats off to you! I'm sorry that you feel lonely, it can be hard when you feel like this - all you want is the perfect friends who understand you, and everything can seem a lot harder when you feel like you haven't got someone by your side. But do not fear, have you thought of it this way; ALLAH is always there. The One who created everything you see, do and feel. The One who protects, sustains, forgives, loves! ALLAH, the MOST HIGH is with you. All the time. 24/7. Closer than the veins in your neck. Don't be scared, don't be sad, ALLAH is with you. Every step of your journey. Every obstacle you overcome, through the good, the bad and even the ugly...Allah cares for you. And He has made you realise you're company isn't great;

Acknowledging your shortcomings is one of the first steps in disciplining yourself. Whoever acknowledges that he has shortcomings has started on the path to self-discipline. It is a sign of Allaah’s care when a person tries to change himself and develop." [ Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid ]

See, Allah cares for you so that's why you don't need to fear but stay strong!

Righty, so you want to try making new friends. Think about the type of people you want to be friends with, and meet them there. Go down to your local mosque or community centre and take a look at the courses being offered. Join something, anything. You never know who you might meet. Go for it.
Have you heard of this one;

“Man models himself after his companion; so let each one of you see who he chooses for companion” (At-Tirmidhi).

If you want to be along the true path, among the righteous, comfortable with who you are - then your company must reflect this.

Okay, so practically speaking, how do you do this...

Well, apart from finding a course or club you can join to meet new people, be it cooking, sports, languages or even knitting! You can also simply be confident, or at least try.Think about something before you act. Think. Do I Actually Want This. For example, things like picking a table to sit at at lunch; instead of sitting with those who you know will obsess about their crushes and the 'hench' new actor on their favourite TV show, sit with some sisters who you know won't talk about that sort of stuff. Break away from your normal regime and do something different.

If that seems a little drastic and scary at the moment then, at first you could try to talk to your current friends, tell them how you think talking about pointless things isn't gonna help anyone and that life is too important to waste it doing nonsensical things. But don't be arrogant or snobby in the way you say it. You could try inviting them over to yours, you'll be hosting, and you can do things YOU want to do. Bake a cake, paint, tennis on the Wii - that way you can keep busy without having to fall into the talks and things you don't want to.

Have an open mind. Get to know other girls. It can be awkward sometimes when you want to start talking to someone, but you don't know what to say. Well, my advice to you, to first: Say Salaam. And mean it. Actually feel like you do want peace to be upon this person. Talk about the lesson you're in (if you're in school), with Ramadan just around the corner (literally!!), ask her how her fast has been. Once you get to know someone well enough, invite her over for an Iftar party, give her an Eid gift.

Another thing. It's simple. And it works. Smile. It breaks down any barriers and basically makes people know you're a friendly soul. Anyway, it's a charity, so why not eh?

Most importantly, stay strong. It can be such a tough time when you feel lonely, but this is the BEST time to remember Allah and to still remember all the blessings He has granted you.

'When the world pushes you down to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray'

'Patience through adversity is the most goodly [in the sight of Allah]'Al-Qur’an

12:18, 12:83
Be patient and pray to Allah for your current friends to be guided as well as you to make new friends.

Once again, I respect the fact that you are willing to change and I know you can do this. Stay strong, pray, don't ever forget that Allah is always with you - and smile. :)

3 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

oldie goldie August 9, 2010 at 3:02 PM  

mashaAllah, great advice again, aunty ;) (funny to call u that :P ) btw, this is one of my favorite quotes 'When the world pushes you down to your knees, you're in the perfect position to

Anonymous,  February 23, 2012 at 4:15 AM  

FRIENDS are also my problem....
And the thing is they seem to transform all of a sudden when you least expect it....
They encourage Some things which are unislaamic..although they are muslims themselves..
And i dont want to loose my friends just for that.. I try to correct them but most dont want to listen and think life is fun.

But theres only one thing i can do and that is to PRAY for my friends

Anonymous,  February 7, 2014 at 12:46 PM  

Salaam Alikum,
I have the same issue and I honestly have no clue how I can possibly fix it. First off, there's no Muslims were I live. None. Our masijd's really fragmented, and people don't socialize with people who aren't the same ethnicity as them. I'm Afghan, and there aren't any Afghans so it makes it next to impossible to find anyone to talk to. There's no women community there, no halaqas, no events. It makes me really sad :( I'm in a public high school, and there's no good company there-literally nobody. My friends are super vulgar, and naturally make me do things I know I shouldn't. I can't leave them, because then I'll become a 'loser' in high school who gets teased and bullied and the like. Plus, they actually enjoy talking to me and I don't think leaving them would be so easy. Making new friends isn't an option for me-everyone's been established in their friends group since fourth grade, including me. If you're not part of the group, you're treated as an outsider. My friends don't get that I can't eat certain foods, go to concerts, or date. It's really, really bothering me, because now everyone in school probably thinks I'm "one of those girls" (my friends kind of have a reputation) and I'm worried I'm attracting the wrong crowd even though we couldn't be more different. I just need help! And homeschooling's kind of tough, my mom's not fluent in English and my dad works. I'm pretty decent at academics though, so maybe I can teach myself?
I'll make dua for you all, I hope you do the same for me. Thanks!

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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