>> Monday, January 10, 2011
"asalamualykum dear ukthi,
i have this friend who has commited a grave sin, she has had sex and she is only 15. we have confronted her and asked her why she did it but she just denied it. She also wears a hijab and she takes it off after school, i think this is absoulutly disgusting, the whole point of wearing a hijab is to guars your modesty but by doing this terrible deed she is humilliating the whoile muslim umma, how do you expect islam to get respect in this world when theres these filthy deeds going on?? i've tried explaining to her but she just dosnt want to listen. what should i do? jazakAllah"
Wa’alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo, dearest worried friend,
Jazaki Allah koli khair for being a true friend and for worrying about your friend’s Hereafter.
Jazaki Allah for being honest with your friend asking her to her face about her actions rather than simply talking about her behind her back and spreading awful rumors...
Jazaki Allah for your sincerity in wanting your friend to be a better Muslimah and for your gheerah for the Muslim Ummah.
However, my darling ukhtee, it might be that I am an English teacher so I look into ‘words’ and their meanings a little more than necessary, but I have to ask you ‘what you mean by confronting her’? I know from experience that sometimes seeing our fellow sisters and brothers falling into such obvious haram and self-destruction can really raise our blood pressure, right, but if we approach them with our eyes bloodshot, our eyes brows raised and our arms flailing, you know, the whole “WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING, MISSY” attitude, we may end up only harming them more and repelling them from religion, completely.
Now, wait, don’t get me wrong. I am in no way saying don’t do ‘naseeha’. We must enjoin the good and forbid the evil. What I am saying though is that there’s a difference between ‘asking and talking to her about her actions’ and maybe, not meaning to (which I am 100% sure you did intend to do at all) but actually ‘ganging up on her ‘….
Basically, there’s a difference between ‘enjoining the good’ in a good way and doing it in a …well….not so good way; the difference can lead to a person’s acknowledgment of their wrong doing or unfortunately, their refusal to admit it.
Let’s take a look at what Allah subhanoo Wa’ Tala told Prophet Moosa and Harun alyhima as salam to do with Pharoah:
Go, both of you, to Pharaoh. Indeed, he has transgressed. (43) And speak to him with gentle speech that perhaps he may be reminded or fear [Allah]."(44) They said, "Our Lord, indeed we are afraid that he will hasten [punishment] against us or that he will transgress." (45) [Allah] said, "Fear not. Indeed, I am with you both; I hear and I see. (Surat Taha)
Can you imagine? Allah subhanoo Wa’ Ta’la commanded Moosa to speak to Firawan (Pharoah) in a gentle manner even though Pharoah was the one who was going around calling himself the ‘Lord’. I mean could you get any more criminal than that? Could anyone be any worse than that?! So how much more are we then in need of speaking to our fellow Muslims gently! None of our friends can be as bad as Pharoah …and not one of us are as good as Prophet Moosa…
Now, wait one sec (hehe, I keep making you wait, sorry)! Don’t think I think committing sex is as simple as eating your food with your left hand. No way. Having premarital relations is a big deal. A huge deal….
Big enough thought that the Qur’an warns us that we must have 4 witnesses before we accuse anyone of having committed it….
So my next question for you, my dear worried friend-- are you sure there are enough witnesses in this case? Did 4 people see her actually in the act? (audoo’billah).
If no one saw it, and she denied it, forget about it. Allah is the Concealer of Sins. We also have to think well of our Muslim sister.
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah’s Messenger said, “I warn you of suspicion, for suspicion is the most false form of talk.” (Agreed upon).
Also, there’s a famous story of the Companion Usama bin Zayd (Radiya Allah Anhoo) who was fighting during a battle. Right when he was about to kill a disbeliever, the disbeliever proclaimed the shahada. However, Usama still killed him. The Prophet sallah Allahoo alyheae wa salam was very angry when he found out. Usama explained that man had only pronounced the shahada to defend/ protect himself. The prophet replied to him by asking him, “Did you open his heart to see what he meant?”
Does that mean you forget about your friend’s problems? Not at all. But it means you redirect the issue to ‘instead of maybe having had sex’, to her definite ‘hijab’ issues.
So how do you do talk to her about it when she refuses to listen?
You sing a different tune.
That’s right. You try a different approach
See, you have to realize something- she’s not you. If you want to reach out to her, you can’t think that what works for you will work for her. You’ve got to do the opposite. You’ve got to try to think like HER, not force her to think like you.
Huh? What do I mean by that?
I mean think about what her reasons are for doing all this. Why is she doing all this?
I may be wrong, but here’s the thing. You said that she takes if off after school? Is it part of your uniform? Is it mandatory? She may feel like “Veiled” from (Veiled, wanting to be Unveiled) feels.
She may not like the hijab, at all. She may feel like she was forced ‘to do something’ she didn’t want to do in the first place, so telling her that she is disgracing the Ummah will probably just ‘push her even more away’. You should try talking to her about the amazing reward she will get if she wears the hijab for Allah’s sake. Talk to her about jannah. To her about how if she wears the hijab now, Allah may reward her even in this life with an amazing hunk of man who will treat her right and truly cherish her. Talk to her about how Allah is Ever so Appreciative. He’s Ash-Shakur and He will never let her good deeds go to waste.
Try talking to her about how she’s more than her looks- how the hijab isn’t meant to cage her but guard her.
If she doesn’t respond to the hijab, move on. Try to show her the beauty of Islam. You can use some of the Auntie Recommended links. Share with her some beautiful hadiths and presentations. Invite her and all the other girls and watch a lecture like the “Desert Rose” one (that we have put up)…Talk about the Names of Allah- both the beautiful ones and the awe-inspiring/ scary ones. Talk about death. Try different things….
One thing you have to remember though is to be approachable. Tell her that you’re also struggling with something. Don’t make it sound like it’s so easy to be the best Muslim out there. Don’t let her think that you think you’re perfect; each one of us is struggling with something, ourselves. Acknowledge that there’s temptation, but tell her that you guys all want to help each other. You guys want to be ‘sisters’ for Allah’s sake, not just friends. Slowly, try to build up her imaan….inshaAllah if you do that, bit by bit, there should be a real difference in her behavior.
And finally tell her you care. She might have understood from your nasiha that you felt that she was the single reason our ummah is ‘so weak right now’. I know you didn’t mean that at all, but maybe that’s what she understood, right. What she needs to actually hear from you is the words you ended with: “I’m worried about you. You matter to me. What’s going on?”.