All Girls' Parties

>> Saturday, February 4, 2012


Assalmu alaykum,

Alhamdullah, recently through the mercy of Allah (s.w.t) I have stop listening to music and over socializing with friends so that I don't fall in to gossip and started eating meat that are slaughtered by only Muslims. I live in the west so we have some people (I used to be once from these people) who eat meat that are not slaughtered by Muslim because they say that it is slaughtered by the people of the book. But we really don't know if it was slaughtered by the people of the book and also in the west most of the non Muslim butcher places shoot the animal first before slaughtering or they slaughter them in very inhumane ways which is totally against Islam. So just to be safe I decided to stay away from meat slaughtered by non Muslims so that I can become closer to Allah (s.w.t). Alahmdullah, I don't even find it difficult anymore and it has been more than a year. In addition, I am really careful with what I eat outside since I live in the west with food labels and making sure they do not contain Alcohol, pork or other animals (slaughtered by non Muslims). However, whenever there are Muslim girls party I just don't know what to do because the parties are potluck and I am not comfortable with the food brought because not everyone is really careful about reading labels and meat slaughtered my non Muslim. In addition, there is music which I don't feel comfortable because I am trying to quit it. Furthermore, girls usually take pix in the party with friends and even if you avoid the pix sometime you end up accidentally being in the back ground of a pix. I wear Hijab so I don't want to go through that. So from now onward, I want to wear modest outfit with my hijab to the parties but I am really scared I will be made fun of since it is all girls party. What should I do about my fear of being made fun of? What should I do about food, Music in these parties? Should I stop going to girls parties, If yes what should I say when I get invited. 
May Allah (s.w.t) reward you guys for all you efforts inshAllah. Ameen. --Confused Sister

Wa'alaikumussalam wa rahmatullah! :D

Alhamdulillah, it's great that you've stopped listening to music and are trying to live according to the sunnah! May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and guide us all. Ameen!

I completely understand your concerns. I'd feel the same way if I were in your shoes. :/ I'd be like, "Uhhhh, what do I do now?" Well, let's see what we can do in situations such as these...

The Messenger of Allāh (sallallu 'alaihi wa sallam) said, 

“Leave what puts you in doubt in favor of what does not” (Sunan al-Tirmidhī),  

“What is lawful is clear, and what is unlawful is clear. And in betweenthe two are doubtful matters [whose rulings] many people do not know. He who guards against thedoubtful safeguards his religion and honor, and he who falls into the doubtful falls into the unlawful,just as a shepherd who grazes his flock around a preserve will likely soon graze them in it. Indeed, everyking has a preserve, and the preserve of Allāh are the things he has declared unlawful” (Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī).

I know this issue is extremely confusing and sensitive to some people, because people do take offense when someone asks where they got their meat from. So here, my dear sister, is where we'll be tactful in our our approach to asking them. :)

I was just reading an article on this matter last week in which Mufti Abdur-Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera gave practical solutions to this problem. SO here's what we can do!

"1. If possible, it is usually best to go directly to the host at the time of receiving the invitation or close
thereafter (but well before the date of invitation), and politely inform him or her, without being
judgmental about his or her practices, that you have some strict dietary limitations regarding meat.
Inform them of butchers you trust. If the meat does not come from these sources, and the host is not
willing or able to obtain meat from these certified stores, let him know that meat is not a necessary part of the meal for you and that you would be perfectly satisfied with alternate options, such as vegetable and fish dishes. Let them feel that you are eager to accept their kind invitation and enjoy their company, and that, for you at least, the importance of the gathering is in being together, not the type and variety of food served.

2. If it is difficult to approach the host, perhaps because one is not on intimate enough terms with him,
then ask in an appropriate manner someone who may know where the host buys his meat. As much as
possible, this should be done in an indirect and subtle manner, so as not to raise too much suspicion or
throw the matter out of proportion.

3. Volunteer to purchase the meat for the host, and buy it from your trusted source. In the US in
particular, many people are particular about what they eat and strictly adhere to certain self-imposed
dietary restrictions, so many hosts are quite accommodating. For example, some people are on a low-carb diet, some are vegetarian, some are lactose intolerant, some allergic to nuts, and many hosts are willing to go out of their way to serve a cuisine that suits the needs of their guests."
(Mangera, Abdur-Rahman. "Zabiha-- Meat Madness." Web.)

To be honest, about slaughtering the animal, you should probably consult a local scholar on the matter so you can be absolutely sure as to what is and what isn't allowed. You'll get an in-depth answer so that way you won't have to keep treading on egg shells all the time and you'll have a peace of mind. I would recommend that you read this article too, as it does address other issues about this that we all should be aware of. :)

For the all-girls' party (now this is where I can relate to you! haha), make sure you don't make it a big deal. By all means, definitely be extremely careful in what you consume. We have to always do that! But the thing is, it's all about how you approach others. Firstly, try to inquire as to where the meat and products came from, and if there are any staple food items at the party every single time, make a mental note of what they are and research/call on your own sometime after the first party and before the next. If the meat is still questionable even after you inquire about it, then don't eat it. That's it. Just don't eat it. :) We have to make sure not to make a big show out of it (even accidentally). If someone asks, just pass it off as something trivial (I follow the view that we should avoid this and this," etc.) 

The thing to keep in mind though is that most people know about halal and haraam concerning food practices. If they choose not care so much about it, that's between them and Allah (swt). We can't shove it down their throats, and that's how some people feel when we're not careful in how we approach this matter. If they do happen to take offense, you're going to be termed the "Religious Girl" who thinks she's better than everyone else, and truly, none of us are better than someone else. (Be careful; look at others' good qualities and attributes, and look at your own faults [A reminder first for myself and then for others.].) I know this because it's happened in my community. If this happens, then you'll probably lose all opportunities of showing/telling them that what they're doing isn't right. Just be careful. I know, this is really hard. :/

Now you might be wondering, "But shouldn't I tell my friends if they're consuming something that's not halal?" I know, you're trying to be a good friend and, of course, trying to protect them from something that's not right. One day, just randomly bring the article to a gathering (or bring up the subject) and talk about and ask what they think. And then tell them what you've learned...Let your friends know why you've changed (about music, clothes, food)! Anyone else have any suggestions? :D

You're going to have to learn to brush people's comments off if they make fun of you. Don't let it get to you. Confiding in somebody who cares for you and truly wants the best for you really helps too. Make du'aa to Allah (swt) to make this easy for you. Du'aa is the weapon of the believer. Wake up for tahajjud prayer. A friend of mine compares the last third of the night to professors' office hours in college. If students need extra help, they go their professors during the time they specifically set aside to answer their questions and such.  You're doing this for His sake. You could actually be a means of guidance for these girls. How cool is that? :)

I was just learning in my (Ilm Essentials) class today that it's sunnah to accept an invitation whenever possible, provided it's a halal gathering, so that's something you'll have to determine for yourself, and if further clarification is needed, it would probably be wise to ask your local scholars on this matter

Yeaaah, I run into the same issue of music, clothes, and picture-taking at all-girls' parties. That's a hard one! For pictures, just stand aside, and if they ask you to take be part of a group, politely decline while smiling, but be firm on your answer. Usually, that's not really too big of a problem from my experience.

If the girls want to play music, ask them to turn it off, and if they don't, then leave. Seriously. Try telling them beforehand. Come up with an idea for a game maybe.

You can't sacrifice your deen for your friends. 

And dressing modestly shouldn't be a problem either. The other day I wore an abaya to a party where everyone was dressed to the nines and it was perfectly fine. I didn't want to, but my parents didn't want me wearing a dress there and that's what I wanted to wear, so I ended up wearing an abaya. I was sort of nervous because my own twin wore a gorgeous dress just like everybody else (so I had no one with me), but once I got there, I realized that it was all for nothing. Alhamdulillah, I ended up having so much fun with the other girls! Your demeanor and smile says a lot. Remember that. Be open. :) 

I actually wrote down my thoughts right after the party, and I'll share some of them here:

I realized something today.

There’s no such thing as being too modest. I went to an all-girls party today, and alhamdulillah, it was lots of fun. :) I got to meet quite a few people I had seen before but never actually met and a couple of new girls. Usually, I tend not to go, unless I know the friend who’s throwing the party really well. I think the last one I went to was all the way back in Ramadan. So, anyhoo, going back to where I started. I ended up wearing an abayah, but only because my parents didn’t want me wearing a (long) dress, and I really don’t feel comfortable in wearing tight jeans and stuff, even if it is only girls, and also because I’m not a big fan of and didn’t want to be the only one wearing shalwaar kameez. So I donned a nice abayah and a colored scarf, and I felt comfortable. Nobody asked why, or even if they did, I just shrugged it off, and didn’t really give a straight answer.

I noticed a couple of things. Nobody treated me differently (although I think a lot of it has to do with how you present yourself to others), even though I was in abayah. It's completely different being outside around non-Muslims (but I did see similarities in a sense since I had to present myself. Again, I was sort of the outsider and had to worm my way in.) See, in this situation, you have to take the crowd here into account. Most of these girls were Desi, with the exception being the hostess, who’s Turkish, and another girl, who’s White. Most of these girls aren’t muhajjiba, not their mothers, sisters, or daughters, so I was different, but I still had nice conversations with quite a few of them, and mashaAllah, they’re awesome people. My abayah wasn’t a barrier, for which I was glad, alhamdulillah.

I think I understand now why my parents didn’t want me wearing a dress, even though I was upset then. F said there was noor on my face at the party, and I'm pretty darn sure it was because I chose to listen to my parents. I think they were afraid that I would lose sight of hayaa’ and go all out. Yes, it’s allowed in front of girls to dress like that, but I feel like although Islam freed us from that sort of oppression (looking good for guys), girls tend to do that when they’re around all girls. Yes, I know it’s okay, but just because it’s allowed doesn’t mean I’ve got to show my cleavage and legs. Just because something's permissible doesn't mean it's recommended. I know I lose sight of that. What’s wrong with dressing modestly? It comes back to the same thing, self-respect. Do you respect yourself and your body, or are you taking the only outlet Islam gives you? Why flaunt everything? I know there’s nothing necessarily wrong with it, but why lose sight of the essence of hayaa’? I feel exposed. Why should I have to feel vulnerable in order to be accepted? I think I’m good, thanks. It’s perfectly fine to still maintain your modesty while wearing a dress, but you rarely see that. It seems like now they’re back in the cycle, only this time, it’s not for guys, but the same thing’s happening. Why would you free yourself from one sort of oppression and go into another? I don’t quite understand that.

This one hit me in the face as I was dropping F off at her house. We were driving aimlessly around her subdivision so we could talk a bit. I realized we wear niqaab, so no matter what, people look up to us, whether we like it or not, so along with that comes a certain sense of responsibility. I mean, yes, I knew that, but I never actually experienced that until now. I make mistakes, big ones at that, but most people don’t know that. May Allah (swt) make me better than what they think of me. People take us as examples, and if we do something, they follow it blindly without looking to see if it works for them or if it’s even right, so we sort of set the standard. So if we do good and the girls imitate us, then we get the ajr, but it goes both ways. If we do something wrong (or something that’s allowed but should be better left out given the circumstances), and people mimic that, then we could also be held responsible for that. :/This is something I definitely have to remain mindful of.

Lastly, if this doesn't work out for you and creates even more problems, make friends with like-minded people. Then you'll love them and be comfortable with yourself too, inshaAllah. :)

And remember...

The Prophet, sallallaahu’alayhi wa sallam, said,

“Whoever gives up something for the sake of Allah, Allah replaces it with something better.” 

So, bi’idhnillaah, something better is coming for you soon, so smile. :D 

I hope this helps, inshaAllah! I'm providing a link to the article I mentioned throughout the text below.


(And May Allah forgive all of us if we have said anything incorrect :D)

3 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

fatimah February 6, 2012 at 4:42 AM  

Jazaki Allahu khairan. Another helpful post =)

Big agree on "not making a big deal".
It took some time for me to learn that.

May Allah help us to overcome this problem^^.

Anonymous,  February 19, 2012 at 9:34 AM  

wow, a lot of hikmah. Apple Blossoms, are you a new auntie? there's no introduction of you in the 'Meet the Crew' page.

Little Auntie February 19, 2012 at 9:36 AM  

Yes, she is =) There was an introduction to her but we removed it temporarily ;)

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Asalamu aialkum!
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