My Parents Want Me to Date

>> Thursday, February 9, 2012

Alhamdillah, I'm a Muslimah who was very far from Islam but came back to it a few years ago, from Allah's mercy. The thing is, my family is very liberal and they believe that my 'islam' is too strict. Recently a friend of mine told me that she knows a good brother who is interested in marriage. I know though that my parents would never accept me marrying the person without 'knowing them' and having a relationship. They want me to date and 'go out' with the person. I'm worried that if I tell them about the brother, they would just refuse or worse, tell the brother that we should date (he's very practicing). I'm lost.
Need some help!

Dear Need Some Help,

Alhamdillah that you have come back to Islam and are trying to follow it correctly. May Allah make your heart firm and keep us all guided :D

As for your situation, it sucks that your parents believe that you should be all "going out/ dating" and that kinda thing.....

My advice would be this:

Tackle the easier parent first. If it's your mom, take her out to dinner/ and then bring up the topic casually.
 Just say that you've heard about a really good person who might be contacting them soon about marriage. You have a mutual 'friend' or you know their relative and you have a lot of good reasons to believe that you and this guy could really get along well (you seem quite compatible)...List a few reasons why you think so (e.g. you have similar educational backgrounds/ etc. he comes from a respectable family/ and finally religious views).....

Then, using your oh, so, sweet, baby girl voice ask: "Would it be possible to invite this person over to the house for a casual dinner/ tea/ so that you can get to know the person more, with your family present?" {In the event that the person does contact your daddy and really is interested in marriage}

If she tells you "Why don't you go out a few times or date", you need to first say that you agree  that you need to "know the person before you go and marry them" but your way of knowing the person is a little different.

Tell your parents that you don't want to be 'won over by a person's charm or witty remarks' but instead want a casual setting where both families can make sure that the person is compatible, shares the same values and priorities. You're not looking for a time waster and at the same time you don't want to waste his time, rather than you chatting endlessly with him for months to randomly find out his life plan, what his goals are, how he plans to afford marriage, what his views are on Islam, politics, etc. you'd rather just invite him to your house and give both of you the opportunity to ask those serious questions straight out.

Besides, you " value your father's opinion (your wali :D)" and would like to know what he thinks of want your father to share with you in your decision of who you will marry (Of course this is all blah blah...but it's to convince him to let you meet the suitor with 'a mahrem' present). What's the harm of inviting the family over a few times? Isn't it better for both families to be involved right from the beginning?

You can also explain to your parents that when you invite the person over, you learn a lot of things about them, like if they are stingy or generous (bringing gifts)..If they are punctual or lay back.

By the way, before talking to your parents, it would be a good idea to do an "internet search"/ "facebook search" of the suitor. Tell your parents that you have gotten to know some information about him: what he likes this and the kinds of friends he has .....You guys actually share a LOT in common, like you listen to the same Sheikhs/ etc.

And finally, make lots of DUA!

Oh and relax, hunny! I know how difficult and worried you might be now, but just remember that Shaitan is trying to make you fall into despair. Everything is possible with Allah and Allah will never abandon someone who is trying to follow His way. Give your parents a chance...they might just welcome the idea :D

Lots of love,
May Allah give you what is best for you and who is best for your deen,

3 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) February 12, 2012 at 10:17 AM  

Masha Allah What excellent advice. I am surprised though that your parents would want you to date. But it is very important to get to know someone before you marry them. Islamic courtship is our form of dating. the difference is, in Islamic courtship, the couple is always supervised. May Allah make it easy on you bless you with a wonderful husband and understanding and supportive parents.

Little Auntie February 12, 2012 at 11:27 AM  

Yeah, unfortunately, we've actually had more than one person send this kind of question in (where their parents preferred that they "go out" unchaperoned with the person and have a relationship similar to boyfriend/girlfriend thing)....wa'allhu Al Musta'an!

Ameen to your beautiful dua :D

Sabirah M February 13, 2012 at 5:15 PM  

Assalamu'alaikum! Wow, that is a pretty difficult situation. While reading your post, I couldn't help but think how your advice sounds so much more honorable, dignified, and respectful in comparison to dating. Another way for them to get to know each other is through a chaperone such as an older brother.

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
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