Broken Hearted

>> Monday, March 19, 2012

I fell in love and now it's over. I feel crushed. Why did Allah let this person into my life if it wasn't meant to be?!
Totally heartbroken.

Dearest Heartbroken,
I'm very sorry to hear that your heart has been broken. Sometimes things don't go the way we plan, but things are actually always for our own benefit. The simple truth is that Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala knows what's best for us and who is best for us. (We'll talk more about that in a post coming up real soon :D)

That said, let's take an analogy so we can better understand your particular situation :)

Let's say someone lent you a vase. They explained that it was a temporary thing and that they would take it back from you at the end. And they also requested that you be careful with that vase....that it was a super fragile vase.

Now, let's imagine that you took that vase. And you decided to go rock climbing with it.

What do you think would happen to that vase? And who would be at fault, here?

Although this analogy is really a bit extreme (even for my own taste, haha), the idea is very simple. Your heart was given to you by Allah as a trust. You were told that Allah would "take back your heart" (examine it in the end) and were also asked to protect it from certain things. You were commanded to:

a. lower your gaze around non-mahram men
b. not be alone with a non-mahram man
c. dress modestly
d. guard your chastity

The question then is not whether Allah let someone into your life. The question is whether you made a decision to allow a "passerby" to become someone in your life. I mean what about the mail man, the cashier at your local grocery store, a waiter in a restaurant, etc. Think about all the people you pass by every day....What made this person any different?

What I'm trying to get at here is this:

Did Allah command you to become this person's friend and then take him away from you?

OR did you willingly choose to get to know this person....and risk your heart in the process?

Do you really believe that if you had followed the rules set by Allah, you would still be feeling the way you are feeling now? 

You see, darling, every moment of the day we have a choice...We have a choice to follow what Allah has commanded and refrain from what He has forbidden or cave into our desires. But if we cave into the desires, we have to realize that we will have to face the consequences..

And I'm not only talking about the akhirah. You've got to fact the consequences right here this dunya.

Unfortunately one such consequences is feeling heartbroken.

You gave your heart to a person who for some reason or not is not going to marry you.

It hurts. It's painful. I know.

But it's not really fair to play the role of the victim. 

In order to get through this with your faith still intact and hope for a better tomorrow, you have to accept that you played a part. That you did a mistake. You will not be able to move forward with your life until you can think positively of Allah again and understand that He's not "against you" and that you were not forced into something against your will. Only when you can accept that you made your own decisions, will you be at peace with Allah and find peace of heart...only, then, can you open your heart to new possibilities, inshaAllah.

 I know that because you feel that your "love" is true, you think that this is the only person right for you. But just because you love someone, doesn't mean that he's good for you. When we look at even things, we realize that what we love isn't necessarily always what's right for us. How many of us would willingly choose a chocolate over a cucumber?

I know I love chocolates a zillion times more, but that doesn't make them good for me.....does it? :)

Maybe Allah realized that you were falling into "idolatry" as we said in the last post. Maybe you really liked this person but this person wouldn't make a good father. Maybe this person would have ended up hurting you more than you can imagine. Maybe his family would have disrespected you. Whatever it is, Allah always does things for the best interest of His slaves.  The Quran tells us:

What you've gotta do now is take your tears, loneliness, sadness and all your feelings and pray to Allah to help you get through and to accept His wisdom.

Realize that this person wasn't meant for you but that doesn't mean that you won't find love again. I know you're probably not going to appreciate this, but the truth is that somewhere out there is a different person-- the right person for you, inshaAllah.

But as a final word of advice, before you go looking for them, it's time to mend your relationship with Allah, first. Ask yourself when was the last time you made sincere dua to love Allah?

O Allah I ask You for Your Love,
And the love of those whom You Love,
And the actions that will cause me to attain unto Your Love,
O Allah make Your love more beloved,
to me than myself, my family and even from cold water. (At-Tirmidhi)

Let's all take a moment today to make that dua...and to really live our lives according to it =)

With my love,

10 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Anonymous,  March 19, 2012 at 3:22 PM  

somehow i can relate on what shes feelin..
thanks for the very good advice

Shireen Baig March 20, 2012 at 6:04 AM  

It can get very difficult but trust me sis, if you just set your priorities straight this situation in retrospect will not even make you cringe instead it will make you realize how it made you stronger.

Anonymous,  March 20, 2012 at 6:27 AM  

Masha' Allah awesome advice as always :)
I have a question with regards to this...what if you are in a situation in which you didn't want it but are left alone with a non-mahram? Like for istance in joint family where you have cousins etc who can come to your room like that...
Jazakillah Khair!

Tania March 20, 2012 at 12:40 PM  

Salam dear sis heartbroken...
want to share my personal life experience wid u in short..before my marriage my heart had broken more thn once like u..dont take it lightly...czz my conditions were so bad on those times...n used to question myself n to ALLAH why is this happening to me?!!czz in my judgement they were best for me..even according to my thought my luv for them so intense n was impossible to luv sumone like tht..hahaha!! bt now i knw why i was facing same situation again n again...bczz ALLAH(SWT)has alrdy chosen the best life partner for me,my Husband<3 i m able to compare n understood why they were nt perfect for tht time i didnt understand it at all..
bt i alwys did one thing..tht is...i never lost my hope on finding the true luv n best partner...n yess evry time i fall i pray n cry to ALLAH..though tht time i was irregular in my Salat n nt tht much obedient muslima..which i m nt today ALhamdulillah...jst try hard to let it go ( i knw itssss sooo painful to do)...thts why seek help n mercy from ALLAH(SWT)..only HE can help u...increase the number of prayers...
start to read Quran more..cry to HIM as much as ur heart wants cry right now...InshaAllah sis..Peace will cum to u very soon wid Joy :)

Little Auntie March 21, 2012 at 12:52 PM  

Anonymous2, I can't give a verdict/ruling, but I just wanted to ask you a question. Have you informed them not to enter your room with out knocking? Why not place even a friendly sign that says something like "Do not disturb. Work in progress", or mention to your parents to mention to your aunts/uncles that you need your private space and that cousins should not just randomly enter ....You're older now and it's important that these small steps are taken :)

Jazakillah Shiru and Tania for your added insights!

Little Auntie March 21, 2012 at 12:57 PM  

I think, Tania, that you really hit on a major point (I shall even edit my post, inshaAllah). Because you feel that your "love" is true, you think that it is right for you. But just because you love someone, doesn't mean that he's good for you. How many of us would willingly choose a chocolate over a cucumber?
I know I love chocolates a zillion times more, but that doesn't make them good for me.....does it? :)

Zarina Hassem March 23, 2012 at 1:07 PM  

Masha'Allah your blog has been awared 2nd Place in The Tribute Award, to view follow this like:

Tania April 5, 2012 at 4:57 AM  

@ Little Auntie.....<3 <3 :)

Anonymous,  May 21, 2012 at 3:23 PM  

-dearest heartbroken,well am heart broken too right now!!huhu my fisrt heartbreak. its so hard to move on but with ALLAH(SWT) help you can get through it,just pray pray pray like what ive been doing.. Let ALLAH (swt) find the right guy for you,...

Anonymous,  April 13, 2013 at 2:28 PM  

Assalamu alaikum wr wb, I agree its coz of the mistakes on our part too.we live in a different situation these days. I know many friends whose marriages after being set broke, and these days once the marriage is set guys wanna talk and decidde their future plans with girls. Even elders in the family have no objections to this. No trend which is against the sunnah though allowed in families should be entertained by the girls. They should have strong faith and their feet firm on Imaan. Sisters personal advice follow and advice others to follow deen not ue hurt. Thts the only cUre of this disease. In sha allah... I remember the verse "Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest"(13:28). Thts the only medicine I found... Alhamdulillah

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Asalamu aialkum!
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