My Friends Say...

I'm a simple girl. I hardly ever put make up on and I'm a little chubby. The truth is, it's really hard for me to feel beautiful. I only feel it when I wear jilbab and think about how Allah is pleased with my clothing and how I look like the beautiful Muslim girls I admire. The thing though is that when my friends and I have girl parties, I sometimes try and dress up a bit. My friends say that I look pretty then and that I should wear those kinds of tight sparkley clothes more and make-up. They say that I should dress up like that wherever I go. It doesn't make me feel good. At all.I don't even see what they're talking about. I still don't feel beautiful and would rather wear a simple skirt and shirt to the parties. I just need to talk to someone. :(

Asalamu aliakaum wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

Sis, I'm really sorry that you find it hard to feel beautiful.  You are beautiful. You were created by Allah!! Of course, you're beautiful. 

Have you ever seen pictures of movie actresses without their make-up? Or the Dove Video on beauty? It shows how all those famous people look just like you and me.....It's just they have a little direction and help with how to bring out the best of their faces/bodies. 

But hunny, I want you to realize something. Much more important than your body, though is your soul. You have a beautiful soul...

I REALLY want you to read these two articles we wrote before about beauty: 

http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/05/fat-ugly-and-stupid.html
http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/12/bea-you-tiful.html

Whether you have make up on or don't or have a nice dress or not, this is about your self-esteem and how you view yourself. Girl, you have to respect yourself. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are someone honored in Islam, worthy and precious...someone beautiful and with a LOT to offer. 

As for your friends....

Imagine that you were in a room, looking through some pictures. Every time you landed on a picture of a woman wearing a short pink skirt or a tight outfit, a voice automatically came on, saying "That's beautiful". Whenever you flipped to a picture of a long and loose dress, though, you would hear nothing, though. Just imagine.

Flip to a loose outfit: nothing.

Tight dress: "That's beautiful."

Imagine that happened every single time.

What do you think would happen?

Let's take a not so wild guess. Most likely, your mind would form some sort of association or link with "beautiful" and "short/ tight clothes". If this kept happening to you, you would find yourself soon automatically saying with the voice "That's beautiful" whenever you saw such a picture...

Unfortunately, that's what's happening with a lot of us (i.e. your friends). With movies, billboards, magazines, advertisements, and cosmetic products, etc. all advertising a certain"look" as beautiful, many of us today have been brainwashed into thinking beauty is a certain size, color, shape, style, etc. Even if we don't actually say it out loud, we actually do have some seriously distorted definitions of beauty floating around in our subconsciousness minds. A definition that is based on the terms the fashion and cosmetic industries tell us.

And that's the thing.

When your friends look at you and tell you to dress "in tight sparkely clothes" or with clothing that is "more in vogue" and to "put on make-up", they're not telling you that because they think that you are ugly. They're doing that because they have knowingly or unknowingly, bought into the media's idea of beauty. When they tell you to dress up in that way, they do so because they see "beauty potential" in you. They see "hidden beauty" and they want you to show it to others. They've basically bought into the message "If you've got it, flaunt it".

Of course, I'm not saying you should do that, though. I'm just saying that your friends don't think you're ugly and they genuinely do mean that you look beautiful. They're just influenced by the definition of beauty they have been told.

But yes, back to the part where we left off. The whole "you shouldn't flaunt it if you got it".

You're doing the right thing, sis, by dressing modestly:)

Islam is totally against the message of flaunting it.

Islam teaches us that we are very precious. You wouldn't throw a pearl on to the street, would you? You're far more precious than that pearl.

Islam doesn't denounce your beauty but says that your beauty is reserved for only certain individuals to see. Not every random stranger on the street deserves to see/ gawk at your beauty/figure.

Instead, you're just like a queen who allows only certain individuals to enter her royal court and meet her.

So yeah..whereas your friends say that "you should wear the same thing everywhere you go", the reality is, that isn't really true. I mean, let me ask you a question: would you wear the same thing you would attend a slumber party with to a meeting with the principal of your school?

The truth is, who you're with, the situation you're in, the rules of the place all dictate what we wear. Schools have uniforms....Workplaces have dress codes...even some restaurants have a dress code (such as, must be wearing shoes/shirt).

The one with the greatest rights upon us-Allah subhanoo wa' Tala- has the greatest rights to dictate what we should wear and in front of who.

Allah subhanoo wa' Tala is the one who clearly said that you are allowed to dress in a certain way with some people and not allowed to with others. Since Allah created you and me, He knows what's best for us.

And say to the faithful women to lower their gazes, and to guard their private parts, and not to display their beauty except what is apparent of it, and to extend their headcoverings (khimars) to cover their bosoms (jaybs), and not to display their beauty except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband's fathers, or their sons, or their husband's sons, or their brothers, or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their womenfolk, or what their right hands rule (slaves), or the followers from the men who do not feel sexual desire (elderly men), or the small children to whom the nakedness of women is not apparent, and not to strike their feet (on the ground) so as to make known what they hide of their adornments. And turn in repentance to Allah together, O you the faithful, in order that you are successful[Surah-An Nur, Ayah 31]

So what should you do?

1. Don't succumb to peer pressure. You're doing the right thing!

2. Tell your friends that you choose to dress differently depending on who is going to "be there"/whether it's mixed or not/ etc. because Allah told us to do that. Explain that you would appreciate their support in this and it's really something important to you....and that you feel really beautiful when you feel like your clothes are pleasing to Allah.

Here are some other points and tips to keep in mind from a similar post here: 
http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/12/why-oh-why-do-you-wear-that.html

One thing I am going to tell you about your friends telling you to put make up on is that although I used to be anti make-up, with time, I realized that make- up can be a tool (we're talking about all girl's parties). Make up experts actually study how to enhance certain features and make others stand out/ not stand out.  Basically how to let your beauty shine more. So just learning a tip or two can sometimes make all the difference. I know that my friends compliment me so much more when I have kohl on: the kohl enhances and brings out the shape of my eyes more. It doesn't mean that I am ugly without the kohl. It means that the kohl helps make the beauty stand out more...

Here's an article for you, too, about a girl who undergoes a complete transformation just by putting some make-up on :)

  

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/acne-scarred-teen-model-undergoes-amazing-daily-makeup-134645528.html

Again, though, it's just a tool.Whether you use it or not, you are STILL beautiful =) Just remember that.

I hope the other sisters can also add their own input, inshaAllah.