I don't deserve such an amazing guy, do I?

>> Thursday, January 16, 2014

I need help. For a little background information, just a year ago, I was someone completely lost. My life was all sins and my only thought was enjoying myself/getting what and who I wanted. Audoobillah. I'm so ashamed of all that I did. Wallahi, I cry myself to sleep sometimes, just worrying what Allah will do to me and whether I can ever be forgiven. I was sooo bad, sister.The thing is, though, this year, I have really started practicing Islam and becoming a much better person. And as the year has progressed, I have come to find myself really attracted to this brother in the MSA who is one of the best persons I have ever met.  And here we come to the problem.Recently I was in a discussion where somebody mentioned this verse " Impure women are for impure men, and impure men for impure women. Good women are for good men, and good men are for good women;..." and it has just left me with the sensation that I would never ever deserve someone like him. He is pure, practicing, has memorized the Quran, always praying his prayers....me...I'm trying so hard now, but I did so many sins. Does this verse mean that I am doomed to marry someone with a terrible past like me ....Can I or do I even deserve to think about marrying someone pure?Not so pure :(

Dearest TRYING to be Pure,
First of all, ma'shaAllah at you for coming back to Islam and trying your best to practice it now.
Before we look at your question, I understand that you led a not so pure life before and that you worry now about whether you will be forgiven or not. Let me completely reassure you on that part: 

Allah  is the Most Forgiving. He says in the Quran: 
“Say: O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”[al-Zumar 39:53]

and Allah NEVER EVER goes back on His word. And He has promised that sincere repentance wipes out the deed. And that He is the Most Forgiving. The Most Merciful. The One who can even change our bad deeds to good deeds.

Sister, every single day you get is a new chance for you to draw closer to Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala. Each new day is a chance for a complete fresh start. One TEAR DROP of regret from you could weigh more in Allah's scale than years of salah done casually (or without the person's heart really involved).
Abu Umama Sudayy ibn 'Ajlan al-Bahili reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said to me, said, "There is nothing which Allah Almighty loves more than two drops and two steps: a drop of tears shed out of fear of Allah and a drop of blood shed in the way of Allah. And the two steps are a step in the way of Allah Almighty and a step towards one of the obligations of Allah Almighty." [at-Tirmidhi]

^Just keep taking steps closer to Allah!

And do not...do not belittle Allah's Mercy and Forgiveness.  Has He not covered you when you sinned? Did He not conceal your faults? Then, why do you think He would "leave you" when you have come back to Him? 

Now, as for the issue of whether or not you are doomed to marry someone impure because you led an impure life...
- First of all, as we said, already, you repented. Sincere repentance erases the sin. So there's no reason to keep thinking of yourself as 'impure'.
- Second, the verse you mentioned actually has many different tafsirs. Although I am not a scholar, I want to point out one thing that many people who do not speak Arabic do not realize concerning this verse:

The word 'women' and 'men' is not actually stated in the Arabic verse of the Quran. Instead, what we see is the suffix used to indicate the masculine and feminine. This is important to keep in mind because words in Arabic, whether they have a biological gender or not, are considered 'masculine' or 'feminine'. For example, the word 'table' ends with the feminine suffix. In this case, what is "implied" could be understood to refer to men and women, but not necessarily. 

 Now, let's look at another translation of the verse and some information from a sheikh about it:
Bad statements are for bad people (or bad women for bad men) and bad people for bad statements (or bad men for bad women)”[al-Noor 24:26] l Some of them said that it refers to bad and good words, so the meaning of the verse is: Evil words are for evil men, and evil people are for evil words, and good words are for good people, and good people are for good words. Others said that it refers to evil and good actions. So the meaning of the verse is: Evil actions are for evil men, and evil people are for evil actions, and good actions are for good people, and good people are for good actions. The third opinion concerning this verse is that evil and good refer to people with regard to marriage. So the meaning of the verse is: evil women are for evil men, and evil men are for evil women, and good women are for good men, and good men are for good women. There is no reason why the verse cannot be understood in all these senses, although the most obvious meaning is the first one mentioned, and this is the opinion of the majority of mufassireen.From: http://islamqa.info/en/103845

Another site says:
1. With regard to the previous verses that were about chaste women and the affair of 'Ifk and 
with regard to the sentence: "... such are innocent of that which they say...", 
the verse means that the evil words such as calumny and slander are
 appropriate for malicious people, and pure and nice words are suitable for pure persons.

2. It is possible that the purpose of the verse is intellectual, doctrinal,
 ethical conformity, so as to say that man and wife must be matching and
 soft-hued with each other. It means that every person naturally seeks an 
individual of the same wavelength. In other words, vile persons are
 after evil ones and on the contrary good persons are after good ones. 
3. It is possible that the purpose of the verse is stating a religious ordinance, 
meaning that marriage of good persons with malicious ones is unlawful. It is
 like the third verse of this Sura, which says: "The fornicator shall not marry save a
 fornicatress or an idolatress ...". Imam Baqir (a.s.) in a tradition confirms this meaning, too.[1]

You see how this verse might not even be discussing marriage?  
But what if it is...?
Well, it doesn't doom you to marrying someone 'impure'.  You have changed. That's what counts. Since you have repented, there is no reason for you to continue to count yourself as someone 'impure or bad'. 

I know you have your heart set on marrying this man and you're wondering if you deserve him. Well, sister, Allah promises in the Quran something really important:

Whoever does good whether male or female and he is a believer, We will most certainly make him live a happy life, and We will most certainly give them their reward for the best of what they did. (16: 97)
 By coming back to Islam, you fall under this promise, inshaAllah. You deserve happiness. But it doesn't necessarily have to be by marrying this man that you will lead a happy life. I don't want you to be build your life on this man. What you need to be doing is building your dreams and trust in ALLAH: having faith that Allah will choose a good spouse for you. Allah knows who best will help you on His path,whether that person be that MSA leader or someone else who maybe also had a past. Allah knows who will be the companion that will bring the most joy and who will understand you best. 

Remember, marriage is not about marrying the perfect person.The reality is that no one IS PEREFCT. It is about marrying the perfect person for YOU. Someone who will be your shelter, your protector, someone who will smile at your jokes and understand where you come from and who you are....

Well, sister, I hope this helps you a bit. May Allah keep you steadfast on His deen,

2 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Fida Islaih January 17, 2014 at 6:52 PM  

Thank you so much for sharing this! <3

Anonymous,  January 23, 2014 at 7:44 PM  

MashaAllah... tq for sharing this! JazakAllahukhair sis.... :)

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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