So that I don't do Zina, I'm now ....

>> Monday, January 20, 2014

This question is so embarrassing but I don't know who else to ask. There is this guy that I have really gotten attached to. At first, we were just friends, but as the time has progressed, we've kind of gotten into really intimate conversations. I mean really intimate. I find myself dreaming about being in his arms and taking it up physically. Kissing him and this kind of thing. It is getting harder and harder when we are around each other not to act on these feelings. I've tried to keep myself from falling into that by actually releasing myself through watching romantic videos, reading some romances (and to be honest, I do read the erotic parts), and this kind of thing. A part of me feels like watching and reading these things is wrong, but the other part is thinking that this is the only way I can stop myself from actually doing the deed.
Help, please.

Asalamu aliaakum wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,
First of all, I'm honored that you thought to ask us your question. I know it must have taken a lot for you to write it and send it in, but you know, we're not here to judge you. We're just here to help you.
Now, I cannot tell you a fiqh ruling exactly on your question, but I do want to give you some basic advice...

We don't stop sins by sins. 

Usually, a sin is not going to lead you to goodness. It isn't a shield or armor that protects a person. It's going to lead to more sins. What protects a person is taqwa of Allah, obedience of Allah, good deeds, etc. 

Allah says:
"And whoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (of every difficulty). " (Quran, At-Talaq: 2). 
Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allah knows that which you do. (ِAl Ankabut: 45)

Right now, you're really attracted to this guy. You're worried about falling into...'zina', which is a huge sin. 
Let's imagine that  'zina' is a huge fire...and your'e standing next to it, worried you're going to fall.
Would you, at this moment, decide to put some oil on yourself to protect you?

Keep in mind that oil is highly highly flammable. 

Do you really think that would be the best plan to come up with?
(read: OUCH! Ouch! Ouch!)

Or would you 
a) run away from that fire
b) get some water =)

You see, sister, the thing that you reallly need to be avoiding right now is the source of temptation for you: this guy. You admit that you've reached the point where you want to be with him...That means, it's really gone way past 'professional', sis.

You know what this actually reminds me of? Our prophet Yusuf alyhee as salam. We all know the story. The woman, whom he had grown up in her house, wanted to seduce him. She was rich, powerful, the wife of the Azeez of Egypt (leader), and most likely beautiful (as we all know that a King could have any woman he wanted). And she made it absolutely clear that she wanted him. 

 And indeed she did desire him, and he would have inclined to her desire, had he not seen the evidence of his Lord.....(Surat Yusuf: 24)

What did Yusuf do? He prayed...
 He said: "O my Lord! Prison is dearer to me than that to which they invite me. Unless You turn away their plot from me, I will feel inclined towards them and be one of the ignorant.'' (Surat Yusuf: 33)

He prayed to get away from her company...away from the source of temptation. See, how he chose prison over falling into a sin?

I know that you think that by reading these books and watching these movies, you're not going to go and commit the deed, but the reality is that you are actually giving yourself more reason to think about the deed and you're fueling yourself more. These things are like the "oil" we mentioned earlier. You're just making yourself think about it more and more...

And these books and movies definitely glamorize it and build up your expectations about it. 

It's like the next time you're watching some romantic movie, how much you wanna bet you're going to wish you and that guy could be doing those things? Or the next time you are with the guy, how much you want to bet you're going to remember that scene/description of a kiss/whatever...?

And the thing you have to realize is that they put those parts knowing very well what stimulates and arouses women/men. They study these things, you know. (At least porn directors. I read an article about it before, but I can't find it now.) So you are reading something or watching something which is MEANT to kindle those feelings/ sexually arouse you...

How is that really going to help you stop from falling into zina?

Shaitain is trying to convince you that you've found the ultimate way to guard yourself from sinning more. But in reality, he's just leading you down a very very dangerous path. 

Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala says:

". . . and follow not the footsteps of ‘Shaitan’ (Satan). Surely he is to you an open enemy" (Quran, Al-Anaam: 142).
These things are part of the footsteps, hun. 

If you really sincerely want to stay away from the sin, 
- seek protection from Allah:
- do dhikr
- watch Islamic lectures
- read Islamic books
- go to Islamic halaqahs, sister meet ups

Busy yourself! It doesn't have to be all Islamic activities. You could take up a hobby such as
- sewing/crocheting
-making crafts
- working out in an all girl's gym
-whatever you want :) baking/ graphic designing/ whatever

And of course, it goes with out saying that you have to end the relationship with the guy. 

I know it seems hard...and maybe these things don't sound as fun or appealing as watching a romantic movie /reading an erotic book. At first, you might kinda feel like you are in a prison, but slowly, you're going to set yourself free. Slowly, you'll find yourself drawing closer to Allah ...and when that happens...
Well, prepare yourself a sweetness you never imagined,

6 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Anonymous,  January 21, 2014 at 10:56 PM  

Assalamalaikum sis! i know it mustve been hard sending in this question. But it will def. help loads of ppl. im not in the same situation but in a situation where im trynna get over sumone but they contacting me, its HARD, but ALLAH s.w.t is more impt. n his pleasure is worth more than 1,000,000 men. SUBHANALLAH! ALLAH s.w.t does so much for us, he gives us the eyes with which we see, the ears with which we hear, the hands which we use to eat, type, work, why use all the blessings/faculties to disobey him. well thats wat i think when im abt to sin.

secondly, the one that stays away from sin, ALLAH s.w.t puts a white dot on his heart. the more fitnah you avoid, the more white dots/spots you get. when your heart is covered in white spots it becomes pure SUBHANALLAH! when we leave that which we love for ALLAH s.w.t's sake, he ALWAYS replaces it with sumthing better.

lastly, pray ur tahajjud. praying tahajjud n fajr, make things soooooooooo much easier. n keep consistent with ur 5 daily prayers, it will help break the sin and open doors to goodness. hope u didnt think i was preachy, i am giving u advice i wish sumone gave me earlier. hope this helps! =)

Anonymous,  January 27, 2014 at 1:05 PM  

Just last summer, I went through a similar situation. I watched lots of romance shows, films, etc. I thought it was helping me. Do you know what I wished? I wished that there was someone to tell me how hurt and useless I'd feel at the end of it. It's funny because I considered myself as someone cautious. I had listened to an Islamic lecture that discussed how rules in Islam are not there to make life harder for us. it's not there to suck the fun out of things, it's there to protect us. I smiled and agreed. I thought I understood. But I got into an intense emotional relationship with a man, and I though since I was being careful, (there was no extreme physical contact) I would be fine. But when you feel really happy after you see him. Get extremely excited about the prospect of talking to him. Just remember that those extreme highs, have extreme lows later on that no one really tells you just how bad they are. I laughed at it all. And then I came crashing down. I was heartbroken, and no can ever describe how bad an experience that is. I just thought. 'wow, I did this to myself'.' I can't describe how bad, how horrible I felt. In those really dark moments after. I couldn't even think of one thought (in the entire world; my dreams etc) that could cheer me up. I had smashed myself beyond repair. I couldn't even think of him without feeling sick. And since I use to chat with him intensely for long, long periods of time, everything was taboo to me. Everything reminded me of a conversation I had with him. Every thought led in his direction. It was pure agony. I couldn't even breath properly. I couldn't believe that those 'simple, enjoyable, sometimes funny and sometimes very intense interactions' could turn into this feeling of--death! I was alive, but the pain was so bad all I wanted to do is escape from it. Alhamdullah, I didn't do anything drastic, but the fact that I had put myself into such a vulnerable position, like that. I couldn't believe it. Do you know what made me more mad at--ALL those romance shows I was watching. I realized they had been my fuel, and seeing them again, I realize what a complete lie they were! I felt tricked!! So completely tricked! Because I had tried to recreate (unconsciously) those moments on tv, I had led myself into extreme pain. Sister, please take it from someone who has been through it. Someone who thought she was smart, and careful and strong. NO ONE IS STRONG ENOUGH FOR HEARTBREAK! I wish someone could have warned me of that. It doesn't matter how you rationalize it. At the end, it will just be you who'll have to deal with the fallout, and trust me, it's not something you want to do. I read books where the character talk about how 'heartbreak is a part of life', saying that it's 'an experience' etc. It DOESN'T HAVE TO BE! I'm speaking to myself when I say, it's just plain stupid when you think your actions won't have consequences. Forget anybody else, it's YOU who has to take all that pain. Do you know what else this kind of thing does to you? It lowers your value in your own eyes! basically you feel inadequate for a long time, if not forever. And you scar yourself from any good relationship you could have in the future. You completely ruin yourself. Completely. It is NOT worth it. Remember Allah (swt) says that when you give something up, He will replace it with something better. Sister, please hold on to that.

Anonymous,  January 27, 2014 at 1:06 PM  

Don't underestimate how strong your attachment is, also. If you decide to break it all off, don't assume you won't try to fall back into things even if you make up your mind up about it. Make yourself accountable. I actually tried to stop things so many times, but I was weak about it. I told myself, 'well if I just dream about him' (all those fuzzy feelings, and smiles creeping on you) it's alright, I thought. It wasn't. It will come back to haunt you. Trust me. Even if you end things with him, don't trust yourself to be alone with him, or even to be with him at all. I know what it to feel like you're "so attached" to him. I get that. Break it. Break that attachment. Tell yourself everyday, 'no!' You will be tempted on and on and on, to go back. Those fuzzy, warm and happy feelings of attachment, can only be broken by, cold, hard, discipline. Think of it as breaking an addiction to a cigarette. Go cold turkey. For me what helped was cutting off all ties as soon as possible. I didn't seem him for months. Even though I was miserable for a while, thinking about him all the time. It felt really good to have my life back. I didn't realize how much of a slave I was to him. He dominated my thoughts, my feelings, he was in my everyday life. He was like a parasite, when I ripped him off myself. I realized I could function properly. I could be clear headed. It's an uphill battle. Everyday is a struggle. I see him one day, and I am tempted to go back. But I remind myself of who I want to be. Strong. Stronger. I want to focus so I can be ready when the man for me comes. I don't want to be someone who was broken by someone, who has no confidence in herself anymore. Remember, ask yourself if you're doing yourself justice? Are you really protecting yourself? It was at that moment of pain and heartbreak that I realized that I didn't protect myself, I didn't protect my heart, the way Allah wants me to. And it was THAT which brought me pain.

Little Auntie January 30, 2014 at 3:27 AM  

Asalamu aliakum anonymouses!
I really really want to thank you both for taking the time to write your own advice from the situations you went through. You can feel the love from your comments and how much you want to help your Muslim sister!
May Allah replace both of you with something far greater for your sacrifice and heal your hearts and strengthen you faith.
Anonymous 1: that would be very hard if the person kept trying to contact you. May Allah keep you strong!

Anonymous,  January 31, 2014 at 8:43 AM  

Assalamu Alikum,
I went through a similar situation myself, and alhamdulillah, Little Auntie is absolutely right when she says that you have to keep yourself busy! It really works Alhamdulillah. I went through certain stages of dis-attaching myself from him, I noticed. The first stage was realizing it was wrong and giving it up. I felt what I thought was genuine 'love' for him. So whenever I remembered him, any memory associated with him, I'd immediately make dua for Allah to guide him and protect him from Hellfire, I'd also seek refuge with Allah from Shaitan, and I'd also pray for the sister who advised me regarding this issue. This stuff annoys Shaitan, you know! So in a way, I still felt connected to him, in a halal way. But then, these feelings are not entirely good, right? We have to stop feeding them. So my next goal was reducing the feelings themselves. So I just started to trust that Alllah will DEFINITELY give me someone better for what I gave up for him. And slowly, the illusions of love disappeared. I realized that reality is faar faaaaaaaar greater than the small bubble world that we both had built for ourselves. I still respect him and admire him, and I pray for him, but I am more focused now. TALK to Allah. Don't feel any shame in telling him exactly what you feel. He listens to the call of every caller. He is closer to you than your Jugular(sp?) vein. It's painful in the beginning, I know. But Allah will be there with you through out. right now, I am nearing the stage of sweetness, and wallahi, I can assure you, it's totalllllllyyy worth it. TRUST ME! Remember, Shaitan tries to deviate those whop attempt to grow closer to Allah. Right now, it might be hard to digest that this beautiful feelings you have is actually Shaitan's work. But sisso, Reality is that it is. He is an enemy to you. Alhamdulillah, you are seeking advice, so it's a sign that Allah is helping you get out pof it. Seek His forgiveness. We are holding a mirror for you. Showing you the reality of this stuff. in sha Allah, Allah will grant you someone better. Allah knows your innermost desires, and he will surely reward you with the best if you work for Him. Aaaaah, I have so much to say on the subject. But I hope you get the best!! :*

Anonymous,  March 16, 2014 at 8:07 AM  

Salam alaikum i went through the same situation few years back i was engaged n fr som reasons it gt called off i litterally went into depression evthn wud remind me of him n den i askd Allah to give me strength n he helped me nw i do think abt dat guy bt in a more halal way i do pray fr him n ask Allah to help both of us to get through dis

Post a Comment

Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

wibiya widget

  © Blogger template Snowy Winter by 2009

Back to TOP