Mom Doesn't Wear It

Assalamualaikum :)
i was reading the women in black article, mashAllah its great. then i realized that i too, have an abaya problem lol. no seriously..i've been wearing abaya for about a year and hamdulillah it gets easier. but the thing is, my mom does not wear abaya and sometimes i feel as if i'm making her look bad. there are times when she'll say 'i'm in jeans and you're in that'. and people, which happen to be muslims, come up to me and say, 'u know, u dont have to wear that all the time, u can wear pants too. islam doesnt restrict'. i really hate it when people say this to me but now i'm kinda used to it already. i'm wearing this bcos i'm comfortable in it, men don't look at me the same anymore, they don't flirt around with me and i feel safe. my not-yet-muslim friends will come up and say 'girl u look great!' and wow the muslim girl just had to ruin it 'do u really have to wear that?'. wow this is totally a rant. basically my question is, do i make my mom look bad? i don't know what to do, i don't wanna give up my abaya, heaven no. just in case you need to know, i live in an islamic state. thanks, u guys are great, may Allah bless you, lots and lots and lots.

WearingAbayaRightNow

Dear Already Wearing Abaya,

Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

First off- let me tell you how proud I am of you for choosing to wear the abaya by yourself. MashaAllah! That’s wonderful. And a whole year? Almost time to have your one year wearing abbaya party. :P May Allah make it easier for you and keep you steadfast.

Now about your question…I feel for you! Seriously, you are in a sticky little situation. You don’t want to make your mom look or feel bad but at the same time you want to dress more modestly. I know how you feel- my mom has told me once or twice something similar. She pointed out that we look kind of funny when we walk together since I wear niqaab and she doesn’t always wear a abbaya.

As always, the best thing to do is to talk to your mom. You need to have a nice, honest discussion with her. Tell your mom that you are really passionate about Islam and that you earnestly love wearing the abbaya. Remind her that you live in an Islamic country where fortunately, wearing the abbaya doesn’t affect your career or put you in any danger. Ask her to try to think of it in a different way…tell her, “Mom, if memorized more Quran than you, would you ask me to stop memorizing Quran?” Or how about if I fasted extra days- would you ask me not to?”

Try to show her that you being different from her doesn’t reflect badly on her at all. Just like if you decided to pursue a higher education than her (such as getting a PhD), you dressing modestly is a positive reflection of her parenting. It shows that she raised a mature independent young woman, who makes her own choices and who deeply cares about her religion.

If she still doesn’t seem convinced, try again. Ask her, “What if I had a very important test tomorrow? What if I had a test that would determine my future- a life/ death kind of test? Wouldn’t you tell me to study? To push myself more? Wouldn’t you stay up with me? Tell my younger brother to turn off the TV so I could concentrate? Wouldn’t you make dua for me?

Well, Mom- I am in a test. And it’s not easy. I need your support. I want to stand in front of Alllah and tell Him, “Oh, Allah, you blessed me with a wonderful mother who encouraged me and supported me even though it was difficult for her. Please grant her jannah for standing beside me while I tried to make you happy”.

inshaAllah, she will come to accept it. Just like my mommy did.

As for those people who are telling you that ‘you don’t have to do that’, each of us find different things easier to do. If there’s something we can do that is better, we should seize the opportunity. Remember what the Qur’an says:

Race toward forgiveness from your Lord and a Garden whose width is like the width of the heavens and earth, prepared for those who believed in Allah and His messengers. That is the bounty of Allah which He gives to whom He wills, and Allah is the possessor of great bounty. (57: 21)

And the forerunners, the forerunners - (10)Those are the ones brought near [to Allah] (11) In the Gardens of Pleasure, (12) A [large] company of the former peoples (13) And a few of the later peoples, (14) (Surat Al Waqiah)

We should never Ever (with a capital E) settle for doing just the bare requirements or minimum possible in Islam! We should reach for jannatul firdaus.....We want to be in the company of the Prophets and martyrs, don't we? We want to be under Allah's Throne, right? So let's try our very bestest, inshaAllah :)

All the best to you sis,

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Women in Black.

Asalamu'alykum warahmatulahi wabarakatu, may peace and blessings be upon all of you
I'm really confused at the moment, recently i have become more dedicated to my religion Alhamduhilla and this website has keept me steadfast in my deen and made my imaan stronger!!!. I have one question, i really want to wear the abaya however i'm one of them people who get influnced by people A LOT and i'm scared about how people will look at me when i wear the abaya. i really don't know what to do. can you give me some advice please.

jazak'Allah khair ukthie

Dear Worried Ukhtee,

Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

First of all, let me begin by apologizing to you (and the other sisters who sent in questions) for taking so long to reply to you!! Things have been a bit hectic here lately- I'm so sOooOoo sorry about that! And Jazakillah for your kind words about this blog.

As for growing more dedicated to religion, ma'sahAllah!! and wanting to wear abayah, Ma'shaAllah, that is soOo wonderful.

You know, I think a lot of girls are in the same boat as you, wondering whether to take that step or not, so it's great that you sent this question in.

Let me tell you what I think about the abaya (especially since another girl sent in this q) first and then we'll discuss 'fears', okay?

I think that with the age of skinny jeans and short shirts, it can be a real challenge and hassle to find a real hijabi-friendly outfit. By hijabi-friendly, I don't only mean that the proper parts are covered, but that they are covered well. See, as the daee' Moustafa Hosny explained on his show, 'white doctor gloves' may cover the hands, but you can still very clearly manage to see everything.

 So a real-hijabi friendly outfit is not limited to covering only but rather encompasses other conditions (that the clothing is not tight, revealing, a decoration in itself, etc.)

These conditions are very much found in most abayas. And that's the appeal of the abaya for me. Rather than you standing in front of the mirror, unsure if the shirt is a bit tight, or too short, rather than you having to go through internal dialogs or debates about whether or not your outfit really is pleasing to Allah, rather than justifying three quarter sleeves, etc, the abaya draws the line for you. It helps keep you in check.

Trust me. I've been on the other side. I have tried not wearing abaya and I have seen just how much more difficult it is to resist wearing certain body outlining things. Hey, we're ladies and we all want to look good, right. That's why a good abaya is 'safer' to me. Not to mention more convenient, modest, and comfy. [I should be getting paid for this kinda advertisement, LOLOL.]

But I'm thinking you already know/ or partially agree with me on all this. Right? You're just a little scared....

Well, here's the thing, my darling sis. I recently attended Friday prayer in Madinah. There was a lesson and it was about fear. The a'alim (scholar) explained something that was completely eye opening to me. He said that Islamically fear is considered as a type of worship. And like all worship in Islam, it must only be 'for Allah'.

...so fear them not but fear Me. (2: 150)

Indeed, those who fear their Lord unseen will have forgiveness and great reward. (67: 12)

Don't worry, though. You're not committing shirk when you're scared of something (well, as long as you're not going to fortune teller kinda people, that kinda thing), but it just means your faith isn't as strong as it should be. When our fear of people's judgments, comments, looks, etc. overcomes our fear of Allah and prevents us from doing something we should do for His sake (disclaimer: at this point, I'm talking about *fear in general* and not abayas), then we have a small problem in our faith.

It means we haven't given Allah His rightful due. We've put His servants above Him :(

It also means we haven't learned to take Allah as our wali or protective friend.

You see, the Qur'an actually says:

Your friend is only Allah, His messenger, and those who believe: those who perform prayer, give alms, and bow [in prayer]. (Surat al-Ma’ida : 55)

As for those who make Allah their friend, and His messenger, and those who believe: It is the party of Allah who are victorious! (Surat al-Ma’ida : 56)

And those who strive in us - we will certainly guide them to our paths (Surat al ankabut : 69)

Yes, you may find some people looking at you weirdly. You may find people treating you a bit different.

 You've got to ask yourself, though- who are you doing this for? Will He let you down? No, never!

I mean, if you are worried about how the people on the street will 'think of you'/ their looks, think about the fact that these people are only going to see you once, anyways. It's not like they are really going to remember you after a few days of time. Why let 'strangers' dictate your relationship with Allah? What are they really going to DO for you?

In fact, just recently I heard this great quote from the SistersFeeSabillah club on Facebook (they were quoting Imam Ghazali):

'All those people that you are concerned about, did they create u? Give you rizq? Heal you? Love you?' No-one loves a person more than Allah loves him. No-one gives you rizq more than Allah gives you. So why do you concern yourself for other creatures, while you are surrounded and covered by the kindness & blessings of Allah? [Dear Beloved son by Imam Ghazali]

Now, what if you're not talking about 'strangers' but your friends...

Well, the reality is that most of us are influenced by our friends. In fact, in a hadith, the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam, clearly stated that this is a reality:

“A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend (khalil), so look whom you befriend.”

You need to ask yourself a major question here- are these friends the kind of people you would want to be friends with on the Day of Judgment?

It is essential to have real good friends who encourage you to be a better Muslimah. Remember, true friends should accept you for who you are not what you wear. If you feel like your friends are trying to talk you out of wearing the abaya, you should just say "Guys, I'm trying to do this for Allah's sake. Please don't talk me out of it. It's really important to me that you support me.." Be honest with them.

And take some real concrete small steps-

1. Broach the topic with your family. If they support you, go abaya shopping with them.
2. Keep your abaya next to the door, so that whenever you think about going out, you see it as an option for you.
3. Wear the abaya to the Friday prayers......If you're really up to it, PLAN to have lunch after the Friday prayer, when you're still wearing it. See how it feels.
4.  Try wearing it when you do something routinish, like going grocery shopping. If you have a friend who wears it, go with her, so you don't feel so alone the first few times.
5. Write down that you want to wear it.


6. Make dua that Allah makes it easier for you!

7. And try reciting this dua in the morning and evening:

Hasbiyallaahu laa 'ilaaha 'illaa Huwa 'alayhi tawakkaltu wa Huwa Rabbul-'Arshil-'Adheem .

Allah is sufficient for me . There is none worthy of worship but Him . I have placed my trust in Him, He is Lord of the Majestic Throne . (You should recite it seven times in Arabic .)

In a hadith, the Prophet said: Allah will grant whoever recites this seven times in the morning or evening whatever he desires from this world or the next, Ibn As-Sunni (no. 71), Abu Dawud 4/321. Both reports are attributed directly to the Prophet j§ (Marfu1). The chain of transmission is sound (Sahih). Ibn As-Sunni.

And remember, you don't necessarily have to switch to wearing the abaya only all at once...Give yourself some time to get used to it. And it doesn't necessarily have to be black...(Just read the conditions above :D)

You can do it. I believe in you.

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