Mom Doesn't Wear It

>> Saturday, March 12, 2011

Assalamualaikum :)
i was reading the women in black article, mashAllah its great. then i realized that i too, have an abaya problem lol. no seriously..i've been wearing abaya for about a year and hamdulillah it gets easier. but the thing is, my mom does not wear abaya and sometimes i feel as if i'm making her look bad. there are times when she'll say 'i'm in jeans and you're in that'. and people, which happen to be muslims, come up to me and say, 'u know, u dont have to wear that all the time, u can wear pants too. islam doesnt restrict'. i really hate it when people say this to me but now i'm kinda used to it already. i'm wearing this bcos i'm comfortable in it, men don't look at me the same anymore, they don't flirt around with me and i feel safe. my not-yet-muslim friends will come up and say 'girl u look great!' and wow the muslim girl just had to ruin it 'do u really have to wear that?'. wow this is totally a rant. basically my question is, do i make my mom look bad? i don't know what to do, i don't wanna give up my abaya, heaven no. just in case you need to know, i live in an islamic state. thanks, u guys are great, may Allah bless you, lots and lots and lots.


Dear Already Wearing Abaya,

Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

First off- let me tell you how proud I am of you for choosing to wear the abaya by yourself. MashaAllah! That’s wonderful. And a whole year? Almost time to have your one year wearing abbaya party. :P May Allah make it easier for you and keep you steadfast.

Now about your question…I feel for you! Seriously, you are in a sticky little situation. You don’t want to make your mom look or feel bad but at the same time you want to dress more modestly. I know how you feel- my mom has told me once or twice something similar. She pointed out that we look kind of funny when we walk together since I wear niqaab and she doesn’t always wear a abbaya.

As always, the best thing to do is to talk to your mom. You need to have a nice, honest discussion with her. Tell your mom that you are really passionate about Islam and that you earnestly love wearing the abbaya. Remind her that you live in an Islamic country where fortunately, wearing the abbaya doesn’t affect your career or put you in any danger. Ask her to try to think of it in a different way…tell her, “Mom, if memorized more Quran than you, would you ask me to stop memorizing Quran?” Or how about if I fasted extra days- would you ask me not to?

Try to show her that you being different from her doesn’t reflect badly on her at all. Just like if you decided to pursue a higher education than her (such as getting a PhD), you dressing modestly is a positive reflection of her parenting. It shows that she raised a mature independent young woman, who makes her own choices and who deeply cares about her religion.

If she still doesn’t seem convinced, try again. Ask her, “What if I had a very important test tomorrow? What if I had a test that would determine my future- a life/ death kind of test? Wouldn’t you tell me to study? To push myself more? Wouldn’t you stay up with me? Tell my younger brother to turn off the TV so I could concentrate? Wouldn’t you make dua for me?

Well, Mom- I am in a test. And it’s not easy. I need your support. I want to stand in front of Alllah and tell Him, “Oh, Allah, you blessed me with a wonderful mother who encouraged me and supported me even though it was difficult for her. Please grant her jannah for standing beside me while I tried to make you happy”.

inshaAllah, she will come to accept it. Just like my mommy did.

As for those people who are telling you that ‘you don’t have to do that’, each of us find different things easier to do. If there’s something we can do that is better, we should seize the opportunity. Remember what the Qur’an says:

Race toward forgiveness from your Lord and a Garden whose width is like the width of the heavens and earth, prepared for those who believed in Allah and His messengers. That is the bounty of Allah which He gives to whom He wills, and Allah is the possessor of great bounty. (57: 21)

And the forerunners, the forerunners - (10)Those are the ones brought near [to Allah] (11) In the Gardens of Pleasure, (12) A [large] company of the former peoples (13) And a few of the later peoples, (14) (Surat Al Waqiah)

We should never Ever (with a capital E) settle for doing just the bare requirements or minimum possible in Islam! We should reach for jannatul firdaus.....We want to be in the company of the Prophets and martyrs, don't we? We want to be under Allah's Throne, right? So let's try our very bestest, inshaAllah :)

All the best to you sis,

9 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Unknown March 14, 2011 at 12:03 AM  

"We should never Ever (with a capital E) settle for doing just the bare requirements or minimum possible in Islam! We should reach for jannatul firdaus.....We want to be in the company of the Prophets and martyrs, don't we? We want to be under Allah's Throne, right? So let's try our very bestest, inshaAllah :)"

Masha Allah! Lil Miss Aunty? That line has got me totally pumped up! :) Lol!

To the sis in the question, I feel for you honey. Hehe, my mom doesn't wear the abaya either. In fact, we too make an odd site when we walk together; me in all my black and she like a colorful peacock with her bright hijabs and dresses :P

I too am from an Islamic state, and when I first started wearing the abaya, people would come up to me and say that I've become middle-aged now! Hehe, I found it funny.

Al-hamdulillahi my mom has never really objected to my choice of attire. But yeah, when other people say negative stuff about it, she becomes embarrassed and asks me why can't I wear the "normal hijab" like everyone else.

I think its like peer pressure. She's honestly very proud of me, I mean, what mother wouldn't want her child to do good things, right? But when society has a certain mold for what is considered to be acceptable and normal, it can be hard to change years of having a particular mindset.

Your mom has never forbidden you to wear the abaya has she? Then that means she's proud of you sis! :) Sometimes, when my mom's friends and other women complain about how their children are going all "hobo" these days, my mom says she's eternally thankful that Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala hasn't let me go the same way.

I bet your mom feels exactly the same way! So, when you really think about it, don't you think you're actually making her look good? The upbringing she gave you? :)

Cheer up sis! But if you still feel bad it, why don't you try asking her? Lol, I know it can be a bit awkward, but I once asked my mom if she's unhappy that I'm not "modern" like most people my age and I was surprised by what she said. You might be too! :) :)

Little Auntie March 14, 2011 at 4:09 AM  

ma'shaAlah, what a lovely comment, dear Xahu. I love how you always take the time to leave a helpful word for our sisters. :)

I think you're right about 'peer pressure'. I do believe that is a big factor....

LOL at 'bright peacock'. Hehe, ma'shaAllah <3

Unknown March 14, 2011 at 9:20 AM  

just wanted to throw this out there... you guys are aweeeesome ^____^
jazakum Allah alf kheir & may eh reward yoru efforts with jannah inshaAllah!
please keep us in your duaas!

Zarina Hassem March 15, 2011 at 12:29 PM  

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Anonymous,  March 23, 2011 at 11:47 AM  

Salam. I face a similar problem, and i very recently started taking the hijab (since february). I am getting the gist of it gradually, and where earlier i may apply make up, i try now to avoid it and try to kill my desire to look "beautiful" (in the light of the verse that asks you to "show not your beauty except that which is apparent" . reading the above comments, i want to ask: is it necessary to wear the niqaab?

Little Auntie March 23, 2011 at 12:33 PM  

OH, ma'sahAllah, Anon!! Mabrook on taking this step and wearing the hijab. May Allah reward you immensely. I'm really proud of you for taking off the make up :)

About niqab, well,scholars differ on that, really..You might wanna check out the niqab articles, here, inshaAllah. :)

Anonymous,  March 24, 2011 at 8:40 AM  

Alright. JazakAllah. =)

Anonymous,  June 26, 2011 at 10:47 PM  

will i go to hell if i dnt cover up ?
even if i am a good person?

Little Auntie June 27, 2011 at 4:49 AM  

awww, sis Anonymous, I can see how concerned you are about your Hereafter. The thing is it's NOT our place to tell anyone whether they are going to hell or not....we're not here to judge people.

But ask yourself a question? Why won't you wear it? Have you gone through our database questions on hijab? Tell us..what's stopping you/ keeping you? Maybe we can help.



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Asalamu aialkum!
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