Just a little Jealous (of non-hijabis)

>> Saturday, November 12, 2011

Dear Little Aunties,
I'm hoping you can help me a bit. If I were to be truly honest with myself, I think I’ve been feeling jealous from non-hijabis. I definitely don’t like that I feel this way. Also, I have a friend who doesn’t dress like me,she’s more of cousin than a friend,she’s started wearing the hijab now but still wears tight clothings –and this’s stupid-I get jealous ‘cos she’s more beautiful than me and more confident.And I feel highly bad and take it personal when pple make fun of me especially in Public.

Dear A Wee Bit Jealous,

Picture this.

It's one of those family dinner things where everyone says that they want to meet each other and yet, all the aunties, cousins and girls are sitting down competing with each other on who can look the best.

A young woman leaves her house with some make-up on, maybe a hint of earrings showing, her stylish yet tight clothes (+hijab) and her beautiful smile, and steps into the family gathering. She walks in and everyone greets her with returning smiles and salaams. On the surface, it looks like she's enjoying herself tremendously.
A little, while later, another young woman enters the house, wearing all black. She has a black niqab, black khimar, black abaya. She has no make-up on. She smiles but it's a little forced- and she's a little scared. She's come to dread a bit these family gatherings where everyone is dressed to the nines and people still question her decision to 'keep it black'. She looks for anyone to sit next to ...someone she can talk to.Finally, she finds someone she can enjoy discussing a few things with. She sits back and laughs.

The two young women sit down and talk with each other as they are actually good friends and relatives. Soon, enough, it is time to go home.

That second woman is ME.

That first woman is a real friend of mine.

Now, that was the first part of the story. But it wasn't the whole story. A few weeks later, I had a real heart to heart conversation with my friend. It went something like this:

"You know, you really make me feel ashamed, whenever you show up at the family gatherings and I see the way you're dressed," she said.
"What? Ashamed?" I asked incredulously.
"Yeah...any person with a sense of decency would feel ashamed when you come along. Just look at the way you're dressed and the excuse I wear for hijab. You always make me go home, feeling guilty. I wish I had the courage to dress like you."

I was dumbfounded. As she talked, tears were literally forming in my eyes. I told her...

"I don't mean to make you feel ashamed or guilty. But I don't understand though why some people try to make me feel ashamed for choosing to wear niqab or trying to please Allah. That's what gets me. That's what hurts."
She said, simply and very matter of factly- "Because they can't do it."

Now I am not telling you this story to backlash hijabis/ different hijab styles/ non-hijabis/ or whatever.

I am telling you this story for you to know some really important facts:

Those girls that you're jealous of....that cousin that you're jealous of, actually might want to be like YOU. You never know. You might think she's confident but in reality, she could be very insecure. You don't know what's going on in her mind or heart.

Just by standing outside, you never know who you are inspiring to change.

You see, sweetie, true confidence doesn't come from the number of people who whistle at you or compliment you on your latest hair style. True confidence comes from accepting your past, embracing your future, knowing your strengths, tackling your weaknesses and liking who you are in the present.

 It comes from the inside and not the outside

True confidence comes from trusting in the Creator- knowing that He is watching you, guarding you, protecting you. It comes from having the faith that when you step outside that door, the angels are right there beside you and that they are recording what you are wearing, who you are smiling at, what you are doing.

It comes from being able to do what is right, despite what the popular media tells us. Sometimes, it takes time to become something natural, but the more times you do what is right, the more confident you will be.

Seriously, did you ever see this video we have in the recommended page?

Now,that is confidence.

To stand in the street and pray...and not care what a single person thinks....to care only that you have Allah to answer to....

That's confidence.

And you know what?

You are beautiful. Beauty is something within the soul. It's not about how many heads you turn, but how many hearts you touch.

I'm sure you've heard of it before but I'm going to say it again..think of a pearl that has been hidden in the ocean, covered by a shell. Just because we can't see it, doesn't mean that it's not beautiful. It means that it is protected.

What about those people who tell you things?

Of course there words would hurt. But you have to remind yourself that their words are a reflection of their lack of manners...their own lack of beauty. These people who try to put you down are ignorant people. You just have to remind yourself that they were never ever the target or goal behind your hijab. It was never meant to be for their satisfaction but for Allah.

Remember, this life is a test...and you've got to give it your best.

The hijab is about you and Allah.

And He will reward you for it.

Ask Allah to make your face radiant on the day of Judgment, to give you real beauty. Ask Allah to make things easier for you.

If you find yourself having one of those feeling ugly days, try our ideas, here, as well. And visit the pictorials at I Got it Covered! They're bound to leave you inspired.....(like this one)

With all my love,

23 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Asma,  November 12, 2011 at 11:33 AM  

lovely post. It made me really emotional :)

Hannah,  November 12, 2011 at 12:40 PM  

Excelllent reminder!

Anonymous,  November 12, 2011 at 12:44 PM  

salam sis.am sorry am posting my question here.I am a sister i pray,fast,use the hijab and try 2 be nice to people.But the big problem is i Have a PORN addiction.Dnt tell me to pray about it because i do.After this sin i feel very guilty am sick and tired of having to seek forgiveness everytime for the same sin.PLS HELP ME

Little Auntie November 12, 2011 at 10:20 PM  

Anonymous, it's fine that you posted your question, here. What matters is that you are looking for help with your problem =)

The truth is that porn addiction, like any other addiction, can be overcome...but you have to face 'the pain, loneliness, boredom, whatever it is that you are trying to avoid with your addiction. It's just like 'smoking"- you're finding relief in something/ trying to find happiness/ but you're using the wrong way. You've got to find the right methods.

We wrote a little bit more on the topic of porn, over here:


Please see the ideas there and also try and check out the resources by Zeyad Ramadan who is an expert in dealing with this issue.

With love,

Shireen Baig November 13, 2011 at 12:27 AM  

To wee bit jealous,
I can totally relate you, just about 2 weeks ago I was walking in a mall with a friend of mine and saw an amazing jacket paired with skin fit jeans and I sighed out loud telling my friend how I would totally rock that look if I were not a hijabi. My friend reminded me how I can still do it under my abaya and I dismissed her by saying nobody is gonna look under my abaya. And then she asked me a question which left me back at square one. 'Why is it important that others look at what your wearing? Can't you just dress for yourself?'

The truth is sometimes all of us , even if we have years of experience with Hijab we still face temptations because its a girly thing we love attention no matter in how many ways we try to present it as something else. It is just at times like these when we need to ask ourselves the most important question, at times like these we need to go back to the basics. 'Who am i doing this hijab for?'

We are really not doing it to 'fit in' or to stay in style with other peers or to just protect our hair from dust and stuff. It is for Allah, yes it will bother sometimes because shaytan will make things look appealing to us which we probably won't be able to wear in public because of our hijabs but we've gotta stay strong. Remember the hadith about the world being a prisoner for a believer?

For me personally, I just get dressed up and meet my friends for a movie or somethin in their house and yay its done with.

Ps - Little Auntie I can so relate to what you just told. Everytime I see a ninja something inside me gets so super jealous and wishes that I could get courage like that.

Hawwa November 13, 2011 at 12:49 AM  

Salaam Alaikum dear sisters! This is actually something that all of us go through. It's like there's this cute outfit you're wearing and nobody will ever know :-( but as Little Auntie said "YOU COUNT" and i couldn't agree more with her. Masha Allah for this reply and Jazakillah Khairan :D

Ambyy November 13, 2011 at 6:20 AM  

After I became a Nikabi (by Allah's Grace), when I used pass by a group of guys. I would always, have my gaze low and wouldn't look at them... but still of course I would know that they are there. I dunno why.. but I used to think that right now, I pass by them and they dont even bother to look my way. They are still laughing and talking to eachother. But if I passed by them without my Nikab, I know that they would have stopped whatever they were doing and turned to look my way.

I used to feel upset at that sometimes. Then Alhamdulillah, I stopped when I just thought... what if they didnt just stop and look my way? what if they did something more?

Trust me, after that I never felt upset. I felt safe and happy with covering! :) Be proud that you cover, you saved from so much! <3

RevertMuslimah November 13, 2011 at 11:03 AM  

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu!

@wee bit jealous,
Wallahi I totally understand how you feel.
I always used to see hijaabis with their nice clothes. Rockin' skinnies and being so stylish, and then looked at myself and felt so sad. To the point where I would cry!

SubhanAllah, I had this friend. She was very very close to me. She is the stylish, awhyouresocuteinyourscarffeverybodylovesyousopopular, down to earth kind of girl,and I was just "the plain Hijaabi in the long black robe thingy".

I was always jealous of how everybody always complimented her outfits, and how they looked so nice and matched with her hijaab. I stood there beside her, and got a "nice dress". It really made me feel like trash.

One day, while we were at the Masjid, she randomly starts saying. "Oh Khadeejah.. How do you do it? How?!" I was confused, I had no idea what she was going on about!

She started to tell me, how she's contemplating removing her Hijaab because of what people say. How she wished she had the strength to wear the Hijaab and Abayah, with such pride and grace like I did.

I was so shocked that those words were coming out of her mouth! The person whom I was jealous of, who I thought was so confident and stylish, was breaking down right infront of my eyes! SubhanAllah!

This is very similar to Little Auntie's story, which just proves it even more! Be proud to be a Hijaabi/Jilbaabi/Niqaabi! And like many sisters here mentioned dress for yourself! Once you get married, inshaAllah you can dress nicely for your husband too! ;)

InshaAllah I hope sis you benefit from all these replies, and keep us in your Du'as.


Grey Abaya Girl,  November 13, 2011 at 8:52 PM  

I have noticed that when you start hijab or upgrade it to jilbab and/or niqab, you tend to get thoughts you NEVER got before. Some of these are obviously your own, but if you are thinking things you never thought of before (e.g. before putting the scarf on, you never noticed whether guys were looking at you, but afterwards, you do) and are scared where these thoughts are coming from, they must be "waswasa" (whisperings of Shaiatan). When I upgraded to jilbab (abaya), I was scared of my thoughts, because I had started paying extra attention to how cute thin girls looked in form-fitting sweaters and jeans, and imagining myself wearing those clothes and walking through college and having everyone gaze admiringly at me. When I used to take my scarf off in the girls washroom to fix my hair, I even wished (I'm quite ashamed of this) that when the door opened for some girl to enter/exit the washroom, some passing guy would glance in and think how pretty I was! (Eek!!) When I finally realized that these were "waswasa", it was a GREAT relief. I had been worrying what on earth had happened to my mind, but it wasn't my mind, it was Shaitan attacking me because I had started something Allah likes. So say astaghfar and remind yourself that Shaitan is attacking you because you are doing something PRECIOUS! (He wouldn't bother with something useless, right?)

Grey Abaya Girl,  November 13, 2011 at 8:56 PM  

Sorry, I meant say "a'uzubillah"!

Hawwa November 13, 2011 at 10:52 PM  

But you know sister Grey Abaya Girl, The cute outfits only make you more conscious of what you're wearing cos then you'll be thinking; "i hope the colours match" "i hope its not too tight" "oh snap! my bra keeps showing!" See? Allah knows what's good for us and thus He saved us from such. :-) Oh, and you're absolutely RIGHT!

Anonymous,  November 14, 2011 at 6:24 AM  

Naah, I can very relate. As I thought a bit jealous when my friend started to wear niqab. I felt like she got better than me.
This bothered me for some while but now the evil whispers are gone. Alhamdulillah. Sometimes I tried hard to avoid showing unhappy face in front of her.

Even just for balanced looking, Hijab and tight things are not the match.. I think^^;

@Hawwa sister: I absolutely agree with that.:)

Grey Abaya Girl,  November 15, 2011 at 1:39 AM  

I totally get what you mean, Hawwa. I love that wearing an abaya means I don't have to keep track of what my clothes are doing at the shoulder or at the waistline, or whether they are too bright or sparkly. The abaya automatically takes care of that for you. And I am guilty of wearing a sweater that didn't match with the dress, several times. (Under the abaya). So I have used that advantage as well. (But wearing a matching sweater feels better, somehow. Maybe because I know it matches, even though others don't.)

Anonymous, yeah, they don't match. Hijab is an attitude, really. It doesn't stop at the neck.

Hannah,  November 18, 2011 at 9:08 AM  

To little auntie,
I am thinking of wearing niqab soon insha Allah. I know there is no rule [as far as i know that is] that we should wear all black. I have seen many ppl wear black at first and then switch to coloured. My question is, I know u must have some reason to wear full black...can u please let me know what that is? :-)


Hannah,  November 18, 2011 at 9:09 AM  

p.s. i didnt black as in only niqab, but the whole attire

dawnrose November 19, 2011 at 8:28 PM  

Assalammualaikum. :)Great advice!

Ahh, here's something that girls tackle everyday. How they wished they could be as beautiful as another girl. Let's just say this: BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER. Now before you roll your eyes, let me stop you a moment, because it is true. Beauty is very, very subjective, and even though there are certain beauties that most people can agree on, that doesn't automatically mean we become trash.

I wonder if others have thought of this - Islam says that we have to observe the hijab and dress modestly, right? So that means, that EVERY WOMAN is regarded as being attractive enough (in a minor or major way), which requires them to dress modestly so as to not attract the wrong attention!

And even though some people may not find YOU attractive, others might actually do.Because if we were so sure of who finds us attractive and who ignores us, we would only dress modestly in front of those who find us attractive, wouldn't we? But no, we're asked to dress properly whenever in front of the required people, not just those who find you attractive alone! To safeguard OURSELVES from the wrong attention, we dress modestly, lower our gazes, and wear hijab.

And let's not be limited; the scope of beauty is very wide. Have you ever noticed that when you start to know someone truly, they become beautiful to you even though before you didn't see them that way? It's because THERE is something greater than external beauty ALONE, and that's an amazing personality, kindness, faith, intelligence, or a little out of all. If beauty was the only measure, then everyone would be truly boring! If everyone was beautiful,then where is that extra specialness?

And perhaps you're seeing it from a wrong angle. :) You're looking at a beauty that gets the wrong attention most of the time. Now, that's not to say that beautiful people want that kind of attention! But it is OUR viewpoint towards THEIR beauty that is the problem. That's why these beautiful women get unwanted stares and advances from men.

We don't want the wrong attention. We want the right attention, and we want people to know and love us for who we ARE. If we do have some outer beauty, we don't want the WORLD to see it and admire it. If we do, there is something wrong with our niyyah (intention) there ... :)The best way to see things is for us to cherish ourselves, not be proud, but instead, realize that we do not know the power of our appearance and personalities on others, so its best to settle on knowing that whomsoever finds us beautiful, then they WILL. And to those that don't, their idea of beauty is different.

And you might be forgetting one thing! It is not the Creation's attention which is important (because it is temporary, ever-changing, and has no impact except on superficial confidence), but the Creator's Love, Pleasure and attention which should be the most important (because it is forever, it brings peace to the heart, and will lead to a greater place).

Islam tells us to love ourselves and protect ourselves from unwanted attention, for we are worth something more. All women are. But Islam takes that a step further by telling us to dress modestly, lower our gaze, and observe the hijab. Now don't you feel special?

dawnrose November 19, 2011 at 8:39 PM  

Lastly, May Allah Bless the Little Auntie for her tremendous effort in her advice (and her own personal effort for herself). That was supposed to be in my first sentence. :)

I forgot to add something else: confidence doesn't have to come from clothing. Confidence comes when you believe in what you are doing, and the reasons behind it. When you dress to be confident, you're only making it a superficial kind of confidence, and most people want this for the praises they get. It does good for our appearance, not so much for the heart. :)

When you DO see another beautiful person, think to yourself that she is blessed for her beauty, and YOU are blessed with your own different kind of beauty (whether personality, kindness, intelligence, faith, physical beauty or a little out of all). You are also blessed for getting hidayah to wear the hijab. That itself is something worth being grateful for. WOrrying out our hearts over our appearance only gives sadness and self-disgust, whereas being at peace with yourselves means you don't want to give in to trivial things like that and are grateful for being the only YOU in the world - in other words, you are happy with yourself and in how Allah made you! :)))

Marium,  November 21, 2011 at 7:24 AM  

I LOVE the post and the comments, mashaAllah. And Dawnrose, sis, i looved your comment!

Little Auntie November 21, 2011 at 8:24 AM  

Definitely GREAT advice here! I loved all the comments that I don't know where to start, hehe ;) I guess I'll just say, ma'shaAllah to all of you!
Dawnrose- you said exactly what I have been thinking the last 2 days. Superficial confidence..."borrowed confidence" is not real confidence :) Thank you so much for sharing that.

[b]My question is, I know u must have some reason to wear full black...can u please let me know what that is? :-) [/b]
Sure, that's a great question.
First, because of the hadith that describes the Ansar women as looking like they had 'crows' on their head. Crows are usually 'black' ..so that's one reason.
Second, because I think black is the most modest and at the same time, gives a very dignified look. I tried wearing colors for a short time, but it just didn't suit my purpose :)
Those are my 2 personal reasons <3

May Allah make it easier for you, sister Hannah!

Grey Abaya Girl,  November 23, 2011 at 8:33 PM  

Mashaa Allah. I love seeing all the feedback here!

@ Hannah:

The reason I know for choosing black is that it is (I read it described in these words somewhere): "the colour furthest removed from ornamentation". Meaning, it's not an eye-catching colour. However, the teachings regarding covering is that the cover itself should not be decorative. I understand this to mean that it should not be shiny/sparkly, I also interpret this as "should not be bright coloured" ("bright" is open to personal understanding. Which is why I guess people just go for black because it's simpler). So you really can choose another colour, if you want, you can even choose a cloth with a pattern/design on it. I have seen women in black/brown jilbab (abaya) with a dull-coloured patterned hijab and it looks decent. I myself started with a grey abaya (hence the screen name) then switched to black and now I'm on light brown, but I keep my hijab plain black because I just like the way it looks around my face. I considered a light pink abaya at one time, but was not comfortable with it as I thought it would attract attention. My mother wears a pale pink one, though.

So, in the end, it's really about your comfort level. Or, like Little Auntie pointed out, one can choose black with the intention of emulating the Muslims at the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him).

Hope you got what I mean.

Grey Abaya Girl,  November 23, 2011 at 8:48 PM  

P.S: by "pink attracting attention" I meant that pink attracts the attention of girls, who seem to have some special radar for pink.

dawnrose February 21, 2012 at 6:47 AM  

@Marium: Thanks a lot! May Allah Bless you.

Muslim4Life,  March 31, 2012 at 4:23 AM  

omg this was amazinggggggggggg to read! i loved all the comments and i loved the article.
this made me think alot about what hijabis must wear and the purpose of the hijab. and im sooooo gonna do alot of changes on what I wear from now on.

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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