Rescue Me?

>> Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Dear Sis,

I met this very nice boy online from a college website. He's very nice & sweet to me. We've known each other for three months. At first I did not trust him, but now I trust him a lot. He has proven himself to be true and not a phony.
- He respects my wishes. (For example, he showed me his pictures, but when I said that I did not want to show him my picture, he said that was fine. He never asks me to show him my pictures. He avoids the topic.)
- He talks to me when I'm depressed & helps me feel better. (I live a life of abuse and talking to him is my only escape from depression. After I chat with him, he always makes me smile and laugh.)
- He persuades me to make the right choices in life. (For example, when I was going to kill myself, he talked me out of it. I was so thankful. Another example, he convinced to believe and trust and love God. May Allah bless him for this.)
- He helps me study and do well in school. (He's a very smart boy & helps me study. He's studying to become a doctor, and therefore, gives me a lot of medical help too. I have medical health problems.)

The problems:
- He's a Christian and I'm Muslim. (He's aware that I'm Muslim.)
- Sometimes, he teasingly flirts with me.
- I think I've sort of fallen in love with him & his strengths. (He's three months younger than me, though. We're both teens.)

My parents don't know that I email him & I don't want them to know. They will make me stop & I don't want to stop. He has added happiness to my life. If it weren't for him, I would have killed myself. He's a great friend. How can I stop being friends with someone who has convinced me to believe in God and who has saved me from suicide? Is emailing him a bad idea, considering he helps me feel better and we don't do anything bad together? He's the bestest friend I've ever had. I tell him everything. Not even my real friends are nice. We live far away from each other & don't plan on meeting in real life any time soon. I wish I could meet him and cry/vent to him in real life. I don't think he's a pedophile because he sounds so immature, always goofing off and tease-flirting, just like immature teen guys do. I also saw about 10 pictures of him so he did not take random pics off the web & claim that they are him. Those pics are actually his. They are very credible.
He says he likes talking to me because I make him feel better. He also feels depressed so we both benefit from this. He's also convincing me that Christianity is fair and just while Islam is too hard on its followers & I think I might leave Islam.

What should I do? Should I stop emailing him? (I've known him for 3 months and I can't lose him. I don't think it's fair that Islam tells me to leave him because then I will be left in depression.)

- Confused Muslimah
(Reply # 1)
Dearest Confused Muslimah,

This is a real quick emergency reply. It sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm sorry to hear that you're so miserable, depressed and that you've even thought of killing yourself, before. I am so so sorry to hear that you are being abused somehow.

I know that right now you feel like you're found the solution- the one person who understands you and can help you- but hunny, let's look at it from a different angle..

Imagine that you were swimming in the beach. You were drifting a bit, further and further away on your back. Suddenly, big dark clouds appeared and you found yourself caught in a storm. You tried to swim to shore but the waves kept pushing you back. All of a sudden, this little canoe appeared. You grabbed hold of it, but didn't realize that it actually had a hole in it and that it was actually sinking, itself. Is that really what you would want to be your 'rescue' boat?

I doubt it....because eventually you would hit the waves again, right?

That boy you met online may genuinely care about you, but that doesn't mean that he is the solution to all of your problems. What happens when you can't reach him and you're all alone and depressed?

You see, cupcake, living the life you want means making the decision yourself that you are worthy of that life and that you care enough about yourself to live that life. You have to make a decision that you are someone special. Your happiness should not depend on someone else's 'comments'.

You have to realize that your life is so not over yet. Not if you choose to keep living.

I know that might sound 'impossible' to you..."Like how can things ever get better?" But they can...and they will. Instead of focusing on your problems, think a bit about what you can do. How can things turn around?

And yes, you should talk to someone. You do need a support group to help you through this time. But it's important that you pick the right person who can help you help yourself. You need someone that can help talk you through your feelings, while helping you learn what the real issues are and how you can overcome them.

Like a Counselor/
If you can't talk to a real counselor, try joining forums with support groups. Most Muslim forums have a counseling section, but you can also try other ones for like 'depression', 'family help', 'mental health':

But..entangling yourself with this guy 'stranger' on the net, privately e-mailing him back and a really bad idea.  I am telling you this AS a stranger from the Internet, myself. Remember that when you're chatting him all you see is the 'perfect, witty, smart and sensitive side'. Let's face it. When you're chatting, you're not going to see 'the person's anger problems, probably not going to deal with rude comments or 'stinginess'" because we always present the very best of us on the net (I do it with here on this blog, too). It's basically because we have time to 'think about what we're typing". ...which is not really what happens in the real world. It's no surprise then that he seems like your besteset bestest friend. Because it's actually not 100% real.

That's not the only reasons why you shouldn't be writing to him, though. The first reason is it is haram to chat privately with non-mahram guys. What's more, this guy is from a different religion and he's encouraging you to leave Islam. That's also a big 'no, no'. Maybe that's his whole 'reason' is for chatting with you. Maybe he wants to convert you....How do you know? Did you ever think about that?

And the other thing is, do you realize that Islam and Christianity actually say that many of the same things are not allowed? Conservative Christians, or people who really stick to the teachings of Christianity, will tell you that Christianity isn't all "do whatever you want/ anything is allowed" kinda thing.

Take a look at these examples:
Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).
Deuteronomy 22:5, "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man."
First Timothy 2:9, which states, "In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel."
First Corinthians 7:1, which says, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
First Corinthians 7:4 says, "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband."
I've seen Christians on the internet saying they wouldn't let their daughters watch "The Little Mermaid"!

And hijab has also been found in Christanity

So you see, when you think about religion, it's not about finding what's "easier"- its' about knowing who God is and serving Him the way He wants us to. Ultimately, do you believe that God would become a man (Jesus) and 'have himself crucified' just to forgive our sins? I want you to read our previous article on Christianity....

Sweetie, you have a right to be happy and we want you to be happy. But darling, you need to stop e-mailing him and try instead talking to someone else that is A SISTER. 

And! I think you really need to read more about Islam from the right sources, inshaAllah. Islam actually isn't difficult. Even when it comes to things like prayer, if we're sick, we can pray when we're sitting down. If we can't find water, we can use sand. There's always something to make things easier. It's just we complicate things...and what we really find difficult is resisting our desires. That's where all the struggle lies. ....

WEll, sisters please help this sister with your own advice. This was a real quick reply :) We're all here for you.


(Reply #2)

Reading your comment, it seems like you think that "converting to Christianity" would be a win-win situation. Actually, it really wouldn't.

Before we get to talking about that, first of all, how do we choose a religion? Seriously, think about it. How do we choose a religion? At the end of the day, this is the most important decision you’ll ever make. Nothing can compare to it or even comes close. Choosing a major, choosing a spouse, deciding whether or not you want to have kids, buying a house- all of these are decisions that affect you here. But when it comes to religion, we are talking about your relationship with God and your soul’s destiny, whether it will be in everlasting bliss or not. This is very serious and so it only makes sense that you choose a religion after doing some serious investigative work. You need to ask tough questions, look at the evidence available, and pray to God for guidance.

It doesn’t make sense, however, to choose a religion based on how “easy” or “difficult” it is. A religion that doesn’t make any demands and is supposedly “easy” sounds good…but in the Hereafter, it won’t mean a thing if it’s not the right religion.

Let’s take one of my favorite analogies and to Allah belong all exalted examples. Let’s say an English teacher gives his class an assignment. He wants a 10 page paper, Times New Roman, size 12, single spaced, and with a specific header. He wants the left margin to be 1.5 cm, the right margin to be 1.25 cm, and so on. He wants you to write about one topic only (e.g. coffee). “Amy”, a student in the class, keeps talking about her essay and what she’s going to write. She has her own special format, though, that she’s sure the teacher will like. And instead of writing about coffee, she’s going to write about chocolate. “Mona”, though, concentrates on both the content and getting the format of her essay just the way their teacher described. When they get their papers, back, who do you think is going to pass the report? And who isnt’?

This is the example of "Islam" and "Christianity" (with Tawheed and trinity being the different topics). The reality of the matter is that just like how any religion says that its followers will be the only ones accepted, the Quran does say:

“And whoever seeks a religion other than Islam, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:85].This is a statement that Allaah will not accept any way or deed from anyone, after sending His Final Messenger, except those that are in accordance with the laws of Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).

The Quran also states: 
And they say, "The Most Merciful has taken [for Himself] a son." (88) You have done an atrocious thing. (89) The heavens almost rupture therefrom and the earth splits open and the mountains collapse in devastation (90) That they attribute to the Most Merciful a son. (91) And it is not appropriate for the Most Merciful that He should take a son. (92) There is no one in the heavens and earth but that he comes to the Most Merciful as a servant. (93) He has enumerated them and counted them a [full] counting.(94) And all of them are coming to Him on the Day of Resurrection alone. (95)

They have certainly disbelieved who say, "Allah is the Messiah, the son of Mary" while the Messiah has said, "O Children of Israel, worship Allah, my Lord and your Lord." Indeed, he who associates others with Allah - Allah has forbidden him Paradise, and his refuge is the Fire. And there are not for the wrongdoers any helpers. (72) They have certainly disbelieved who say, "Allah is the third of three." And there is no god except one God. And if they do not desist from what they are saying, there will surely afflict the disbelievers among them a painful punishment. (73) So will they not repent to Allah and seek His forgiveness? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. (5: 74

Christians in Islam then are not ‘going to heaven’.

So why does the Quran mention the Jews and Christians going to heaven? Please see here:

About ‘talking to God’- God may not ‘respond to you in words that you hear’ but He is the Only One capable of changing your situation for you. That boy is powerless. He might ‘tell you something’ that temporarily provides you with relief, but he can’t actually do anything for you. On the other hand, Allah is the All Powerful and Most merciful.

And He does respond! Allah tells us to call on Him and He will respond to us. Sometimes we can't see "His response" and sometimes we don't understand His ways, until much later..But sometimes, its' because haven't sat down and really reflected on our lives. When I think about it, I have a million stories of how Allah has helped me, personally- ranging from the “simple” to the amazing. For example, one day I didn’t do my homework and I prayed that the teacher would be absent. This teacher was like never absent. But that day she actually was. You can look at it as a coincidence or you can look at it as a way of God. I’ve written before of other experiences (see “how do we know that God is there?”).

This is also another good story to keep in mind: 

"The Shipwreck"
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island ....
He prayed feverishly for Allah to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements and to store his few possessions.
But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost.
He was stunned with grief and anger."Allah, how could you do this to me!" he cried.(Comment; Plenty of people use such statement --- think again you should never question Allah nor object to his willing)
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him."How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
It is easy to get discouraged when things are going badly. But we shouldn't lose heart, because Allah is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering.Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground--it just may be a smoke signal that summons The Grace of Allah.

Another thing: it's not like Allah tells us "You're not allowed to drink color water or sit in shade". Allah doesn't forbid things to us out of cruelty. On the contrary. He forbids certain things for us for our own benefit. Even if you can't see the benefit now, there is wisdom.....even in your particular situation. I mean, think about it this way. At this point, you've built all your happiness on this young man, who may have no thoughts whatsoever of a future with you. What happens if he decides to leave you/ hurts you/ disappoints you? Your happiness and desire to live should NOT rely on "one flirtatious comment" to make you feel better!

The other thing is that I do know that it may seem terrible to 'let him go', but I want to point out something, sis. If you'd followed the Islamic rule in the first place- not talking to non-mahrams- you would have spared yourself all this heart ache. If you'd never gotten involved with him, it wouldn't be hard to leave him, would it? That's why it's important for us to follow the rules of Islam...because ultimately they are there for our own benefit and happiness.

So...what to do now? The 3 basic steps:

1. Get to know Allah better. Read more about His attributes. And yes, talk to Him. Tell Him how you feel.
2. Find a different support buddy.
3. Stop stressing about 'how you're going to make it without this guy' and just take each day one at a time. It will get easier.

20 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Hannah,  November 1, 2011 at 11:17 AM  

I can understand why Little Auntie had to reply real quick. Even I am doing the same. :-) See, you are going through an extremely difficult period and so its natural to see you getting confused and depressed. But Islam is really the answer. Have you actually felt the sense of peace and tranquility that comes when you have a high level of Iman? Believe me, it's beautiful. :-)

Allah says in the Quran:

"Those who believe (in the Oneness of Allâh - Islâmic Monotheism), and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allâh, Verily, in the remembrance of Allâh do hearts find rest." (Ra'd 13: 28)

I have gone through sad, heart wrenching experiences myself and there were times when we shun the real medicine: Islam. When we try to find a solution to a problem by ourselves or though unislamic means [like chatting with a guy] , it wont work. What I am asking you is, turn to Allah. Ask His help. And get some support from pious sisters, online or offline.

Do NOT, I mean DO NOT chat with this guy again. He is playing with your fate, honey. This is not a trivial issue, he is misguiding you into something completely utterly wrong. And its not going to solve your problems. It so happened that you found only his help in your situation. How are you sure that his solution is the best, without trying out other [much better] options?

And the other thing, who knows whether he has some underlying motive- to convert you into a christian. If not, hypothetically speaking, he is still not the right answer to your problem.

Read more about Islam. You will discover how lucky you are to be born into the right religion, sister. Do not let go of the rope of Allah...

Much love,

Anonymous,  November 1, 2011 at 12:02 PM  

Regarding the difficulty of detaching yourself from a guy you've found yourself falling for, online - this is the hadith which set everything right for me:
"one of the indicators of Islamic perfection in someone is leaving behind something that is not beneficial to him/her" - tirmidhi.

it's gonna hurt, not speaking again but trust me, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE trust me on this my dear sister. the more you leave it to linger, the more it'll hurt anyway. Just stop now, please believe me when I say this - despite how he helped - he's not good for you and by that, I mean your soul.
He helped you believe in God and now God is testing you.
It's not good for his soul either, and if you really care for him as much as I expect you do and as much as i cared for someone, then you'd wantt the best for THEM.
take every day as it comes. talk to a sister. just don't let your heart fall any further. because there's nothing good at the bottom of this hole, i'm telling you that. <3

Confused Muslimah,  November 1, 2011 at 2:17 PM  

Asalamo Alaikum. I asked this question and I just wanted to say that he wasn't trying to convert me to Islam. He's interested in Islam himself, he told me. He says that I should continue following Islam and not give up hope. He told me to follow Islam. The reason I felt interested in Christianity is because I feel like Christianity is easier. I don't like covering my hair. I don't like praying 5 times per day. Christians really do have it easier and in the end, they'll be in Heaven anyway.

It's hard to leave him. I just wanted to say that he's the first person I ever cared about losing (besides my beloved mother). I really care for him. A day without him is a day of insanity and depression.

He's my first real best friend. I've met a lot of people online and he has proven himself to be truest of all. I know he's not a random creep. He's a real teenager with dreams and hopes. (There's so much proof.)

It's so easy to tell me not to chat with him again but what else can I do? I can't leave my first best friend. It's too hard and too depressing.

Confused Muslimah,  November 1, 2011 at 2:18 PM  

*he wasn't trying to convert me to CHRISTIANITY.

Anonymous,  November 1, 2011 at 4:19 PM  

Instead of venting and crying to him, try venting and crying to God - He actually understands you and knows how to help you and knows what is best for his creations (you). Oh and Christians do go to heaven btw! Turn to God and He will help. This is a test from god and passing this could lead to passing the test of life (going to heaven) while failing this could lead you to failing the test of life - and going to hell. Make dua! It works like magic!

Confused Muslimah,  November 1, 2011 at 5:22 PM  

God can't talk to me. God doesn't respond with words.

Christians go to Heaven? I might be interested in converting to Christianity. (I don't like covering my hair, etc.)

Saduf November 1, 2011 at 5:31 PM  

Assalamualaikum Sister
Your email bought me to tears cause I can relate to it. I don’t really like to share my story with people because it doesn’t hold very nice memories for me and it’s embarrassing. But I’ll share a little bit with you so maybe it may help someone in some way.
A friend of mine met a guy online too, in some online program she was doing, he wasn’t muslim. She introduced me to him via msn and we used to group chat and stuff. Slowly the group chats lessened and it was just me and him talking on msn. He was a really nice guy always respectful of me. I was going through a hard time that time I had just gotten back from overseas (I was suppose to stay there longer but I was getting too depressed and would have probably killed myself if I had stayed longer) but even after I came back I was depressed I didn’t get along with my parents and lots of friends either. I preferred not to hang with them much because I felt they didn’t get me so they couldn’t help and same thing with my parents so they didn’t know about me emailing/chatting with him either. He helped me so much with myself and even when my parents were going through a rough time ( they almost got divorced) I was a mess and he helped me so much.
We fell in-love within 3-4 months and he had converted to Muslim. He lived in another country and meeting each other wasn’t possible for awhile. He didn’t ask me to show my pictures ever but I saw pictures of him he even put his webcam on once and I saw pictures of his family members so I trusted him. Around that time my friend who introduced him to me told me she liked him too and she had liked him the entire time we were close friends so the situation was delicate I didn’t tell her I loved him. The situation was delicate and I was getting a bit stressed from it, not that I would ever admit that. Cause to me it was still worth it after all we loved each other and I trusted him. Eventually my parents found out after like 6-7 months, they didn’t find out about him specifically but they knew something was up so they cut off my access to the internet and anything else that could give me access to him.
After school I would stop at the library and still talk to him so we didn’t talk as much but we still did. I told him what was happening and he said he was sorry and respected everything. Over time we got closer in a way I didn’t think was possible we cherished those times we got to talk and grew to love each other more. I didn’t stop talking to him cause I knew if I did I would miss him too much and I wouldn’t be able to handle it. My parents did get suspicious sometimes as to why I got home so late at times but I blamed traffic or something. One day they figured out something was still up or they were just being precautious and suspicious or something and that’s it they snapped. I decided I would stop talking to him then just until I got my parents trust back and I told him that and he said he was so sorry and I know he was and he said that he would wait for me and that whenever I could I should email him just to tell him I was okay. And so I did that for about 4-5 months, hardly ever talked to him in between to tell him I was alive but nothing else cause I didn’t want to risk that with my parents and I trusted that he would wait for me.

Saduf November 1, 2011 at 5:32 PM  

It was so hard though, I would cry almost every night cause of how much I missed him and I told him that and he said he missed me too and that everything would be okay. After those 4-5 months my parents trusted me with using the internet again and so I played it cool for another month or so just to be on the safe side then I went back to talking to him again we started chatting again and all our virtual friends knew we were kind of together and my friend got over it for some odd reason and she stopped talking to me. I know that she had talked to him about her liking him but he had ended it and I trusted him so everything was fine. She did email me a few times in those 4-5 months but the first one wasn’t very nice and he told me that she told him she was gonna plan to email me and he told me to just ignore them so I did. I didn’t read any of them then. Anyways it was all good, until I got another email from her after a few months telling me that the guy I was in love with was actually a girl. I didn’t believe her I was like whatever shes still jealous or whatever. I couldn’t believe her like come on he so couldn’t be a girl, he was just so guyish you know?! Immature and funny and insensitive but sensitive too, he was just like a guy.
So I didn’t believe her and kept things normal between me and him. Then again she emailed after a few months telling me the same thing and this time she gave me a name of the guys pictures who he using as his (from facebook) and she forwarded me an email that she found in his email too (after she hacked it), it was of a girl taking a picture of herself with her phone. I still didn’t believe her cause I couldn’t find that guy on facebook and she could have gotten that picture from anywhere. But it started bothering me a bit cause the pic she forwarded ( the girl with the phone) was the same phone he sent me a pic of once awhile ago( which he said was his phone) ( and it was a unique phone cover and color) so I was starting to get suspicious and worried and stressed this played on for a few months too like probably 5 months. I even confronted him about it and he said no that’s not possible like I’ve even seen him on webcam and talked to him on the phone and stuff it didn’t make sense. But it still kind of did and it was getting really stressful. I wanted to just freeze everything and sort it out but that wasn’t possible. And I couldn’t just leave him cause what if it wasn’t true.. Eventually a friend of mine told me she had started to like him(even though she knew we were both kind of together and I didn’t mind I was always cool with girls joking around with him cause he never gave me a reason not to trust him)
I didn’t want her to be as stressed as me when she fully falls for him so I told her of my suspicions. I probably seemed like a crazy person the amount of times I confronted him about it all and the answers I kept getting everything was making me crazy I couldn’t think properly even though to me I seemed fine( at that time). I told her everything I had on him I found out he had a few email addresses (which was fine since most people do) and I gave her all the info I had. She got suspicious too so she did a bit of research ( she’s really good with computers) and if she wouldn’t be able to find something she was going to hire a PI but she found stuff on him and after much research and evidence we confirmed that the “guy” I was in love with was actually a girl. Everyone found out, there was a lot of sympathy from my virtual friends, they were all shocked when we showed them everything and we confronted him and after he had no choice he admitted it. Technology is so advanced now- a-days that webcam, voice, and everything can be altered so easily.

Saduf November 1, 2011 at 5:33 PM  

You know everyone else told me they were shocked and they couldn’t imagine how I was feeling. And you know what they couldn’t; no one could unless they went through what I did. After nearly 2 years I found out “he” was a girl, the guy I was in love with was actually a girl; the guy I stressed over so much was actually a girl. And the entire time “he” knew what she was doing to me. No one can understand the depth of pain one goes through when they found out something like that, even though I had been warned about the possibility for awhile. You just don’t want to believe it. It hurts…so so much and its not easy to get over it. I had to pretend like nothing happened in front of my family and friends, I didn’t want to explain to anyone. “He” apologized for everything after and I forgave her for everything cause I felt as a muslim I should and she wanted to stay friends after. But I couldn’t do that I could hardly get myself to forgive her, and she acted as nothing happened or whatever it was, was just a big mistake. I was disgusted with myself though, and embarrassed... and so so hurt. I know by my age it probably seems that I was probably just a dumb girl who was just dying for a guy but that honestly wasn’t just it, I’m quite mature for my age and always have been and all that matured me so much more. It might seem like I want attention or something but that’s not it either.
I learnt a lot of lessons, a whole lot. And that’s probably why this happened to me I needed those lessons to live on in life. There’s a lot more to my story 2 years cannot be summed up into a page or two
. But I promise you no relationship before marriage is fine, if you have that one second or even mili-second of doubt in what you’re doing, it means it’s wrong. I know this from my experiences in life and from those around me. When it’s time for you to find that special one Allah will send him to you after all your names are already written down together. Until then Allah(swt) is always there for you to help you He is just waiting for you to come to him. And that coming to him is just making dua it seems hard sometimes nothing comes up but you just have to wait and keep trying and sometimes you feel your not good enough you think that I am not good enough I don’t pray or anything but don’t think that Allah is just waiting for you even if you have nothing to offer him. His mercy is so limitless.
This wasn’t easy for me but I hope it helps someone out there.

Saduf November 1, 2011 at 5:44 PM  

I used to feel the same way I felt it was easier talking to someone since they could give me a solution i could hear, or I felt just better talking to someone who was ACTUALLY there.
But after I stopped talking to him I needed someone to talk to so my friend who is a psychologist said I could talk to her but I didn't want to talk to anyone so she told me that I could try talking to God she knew I wouldnt cause I'm not into that stuff but she asked me to just try, to just sit in front of a prayer mat, face the qiblah and to just talk. And so I did I sat facing the qiblah and Im just like why would He even help me its not like I pray or its not like I'm a practicing muslimah and i just sat there for a little while thinking about my problems and slowly slowly it just started spilling out and I sat there for so so long crying and talking to my Lord. Even though I got no verbal reply and the end my heart felt so light. Like even though my problems were still there it would be okay. It was like drinking a cold glass of water after a long run on a hot day and you feel the cold going down your throat and ending at your stomach and then the nice cold feeling goes away.It was like that but so much more and even though the feeling didn’t last long I wanted more I wanted that feeling that I could get through anything and still be okay, that even though there are problems in my life there is a power by my side that no one can stop. And that was my reply from God and it was a thousand million times better than talking to any person.

Anonymous,  November 2, 2011 at 12:42 AM  

Travelling Muslimah... Oh my... I don't think anybody can have the words right enough to describe the pain that you went through.. I can only say, and truly mean it, that may you be rewarded a lot for all the pain and hurt you went through..

Confused Muslimah, you are right, God doesn't respond with words, but then God responds in ways that neither you nor me nor can anyone else can even think. I just want to tell you Sis that I used to like a guy too, but I did leave him for the sake of Allah, and it was hard, because I still get to see him most of the time at my university (now with other girls) and it hurts, but the religious strength and the trust in Allah i have got by going through all this pain is all worth it. I'm so hopeful that Allah will give me the best of the bestest man, because Allah has promised He will help me! And i trust Him! And there are countless other examples of girls who have left guys for the sake of Allah. And Sis, when you say that you have found out the solution for your problems in the personification of that guy, do you ever think about the time how restless you feel when he is not around? Do you think that's right? Does that make you feel free and independent, a feeling that we all deserve to feel? My point is, that most of the solutions of the problems lie within ourselves. I am not saying to not talk to people about yor problem, but i am saying that the DECISION to solve a problem lies with YOU a.l.o.n.e. This guy you are talking to, he is just a support.. He doesnt solve your problems. And he can't. I know I am being kinda cruel with my words, but think about it, I go to college and i kinda know the mentality of many guys, a lot of them just wish to have a friend for the sake of female companionship and that's IT. Ask them to earn for you, ask them to pay your tuition fee, ask them to but you food, clothes, and pay for all your perks, and they'll vanish. Is THAT what you call "love" ? And more importantly, is THAT what you think what you are worth? Think about it. Love yourself first, before anybody else. And love yourself for the sake of Allah. Because HE wants to see you happy.

Anonymous,  November 2, 2011 at 2:49 AM  

I resisted commenting on your question sis and the advice that the little auntie and others gave you because i knew mine would also be quite similar and you would refute it. Many people have been where you have been, I speak from experience that having an abusive past hurts you in ways nobody can ever even think of, leave alone trying to be emphatic about it.

First thing, if he's a teenager and if he is still in medical school and you might want to see a doctor rather than taking his medical help.

Secondly, I am gonna go with all that the other sisters have advised. I know how it feels to have that one person who you think totally gets you. I've been there too and it was all pretty and so nice but in the end its just not how you think it is.
I was abused plenty of times by plenty of people even within my family and I was also at the point where I tried plenty of times to kill myself. 3 to be exact and honestly I had a feeling that God existed because I was born in a muslim household I refuted the idea of his existence because I always kept thinking If he is so caring and nice bad things would have never happened to me because I didn't deserve it. Then in the same time, I got to know this guy who I could cry in front of, write super long emails to, we fell madly in love, like imagine 6 hours chatting everyday after work.

I knew nobody could understand me like he did, He was an atheist and I was on my way to become one because my past was hurting me so bad. Then, I got to know a person who I studied with, She turned out to be a good muslimah, so i refuted the idea of talking to her of my issues but one day I spoke to her and she wasn't preachy at all. She just wanted me to sincerely ask and make dua for the pain to go away, Its NOT easy, I can guarantee You, we all have SUPER PRECONCEIVED notions that if we don't hear a response there's NO RESPONSE at all.

Anyhow, So I was like 'yeah right like god's gonna answer me' if he could help he would not have ever let bad things happen' but guess what out of desperation I tried and I cried like I cried to nobody in my life. Like the sis above mentioned it brings PEACE which is fantastic for a heart that's been shattered by the hands of really selfish people with sick motives.

In the meanwhile, my peace was not always constant because even then I was chatting to this guy, I was still in love. Infact, I was trying to tell him about Islam and he kept putting doubts in my head. So one day, I ended it for good. But it didn't stop there few months later I got in touch again and this time it was AMAZING love, So much so that I allowed him to live with me on a holiday but guess what once I realized what I've done, I broke up with him COMPLETELY this time. THEN, I got to know his true colors. It keeps haunting you, the memories of your love, and its not easy but you know what is right for you, your heart can be a witness to that.

If anything is making your heart cringe then it is just not right. But you turn to Allah in repentance and it does wonders REAL wonders.

ADVICE FROM MY LIFE - Surround yourself with good muslim sisters who you can talk to freely. Make 1 good muslim friend if not many. Stop chatting to that guy. Do not think about all Islamic commands ok? Do it when you think is the right time for you. but you need to NOW believe in ALLAH and submit to him as a slave and ask him to give you the strenght to follow his commands.
I had my friend and little auntie who really helped me out in my tough times of life and YOU also need such friends. Make an effort to make some, Make Dua and you will see that Allah will send people in your life who will help you change for better.
Thats all for now love, you really ought to think about what you are doing. This life is not easy I can vouch for that but when you put your trust in Allah and have that will to survive then not only are YOU gonna survive but you will also end up helping others. BUT FIRST ITS YOU!

Concerned Sister,  November 2, 2011 at 7:21 AM  

I see that several sisters have already commented on the subject mashaAllah may Allah reward them.

I’d like to correct what a sister said though- she wrote that Christians go to heaven. There’s a misunderstanding here, while it’s true that the ones who truly followed God’s way and the prophets before the final revelation (the Qu’ran) go to heaven, we can’t say the same for the Christians after that, like today’s Christians, because in order to be a Muslim we have to accept all the prophets and all the revelations, and follow that, etc., wa Allahu A’lam. (I'm in a hurry, sorry, otherwise I would have brought verses from the Qur'an etc to show this)

I honestly don’t have much more to contribute to about the relationship itself, but I feel really concerned about you sister Confused Sister and you’ve been on my mind for days now, since the first time I read your comment on the other post. I really wish and want all the best for you and I hope that you’ll feel better soon!

I can’t help thinking though that it just doesn’t seem like a good or a very lasting solution to your depression to rely so much on another human being. Regardless if he’s Muslim or not! Because, in the end, people and things change whether we like it or not, and even if you feel like its giving you help and relief right now, the same relationship might be giving you a depression down the line. If there’s anything I’ve learnt about love these last few years, it’s that loving someone is not a guarantee for being happily ever after, because with love comes also inevitably that we are disappointed and sometimes, etc.

And the people we admire and love are very human even though we can’t see that sometimes when we first get to know them. I know we sometimes get too caught up when we’re in love with someone that if someone would tell us that we don’t really know that person completely, we’ll not give it any importance – but after experiencing both sides, I know that it’s really true, and sooo many others can vouch for that too. You realize that in the end, as much as you might have been dependant on someone or loved someone, there comes a time when you have to really realize that the most important in your life is and should be (and should have been!) Allah.

What I’m trying to say is that we should try to find a solution without having to be so completely depending on another person – and alhamdulilah, becoming closer to Allah and all the implications that has is certainly part of a lasting solution. (Not that we shouldn’t seek other people’s support, but they shouldn’t be our “lifeline”)

(comment continued in the following comment inshaAllah...)

Concerned Sister,  November 2, 2011 at 7:22 AM  

(Part 2 of my comment...)

Now about what you’ve written about Christianity…
I don’t think, and I think that you’d agree if you’d think about it putting aside your feelings for a moment, that people should choose religion because of what seems the easy way out at the moment, or based on what will more suit what they want or want to do. I’m sure that even that guy would agree on that.
Rather it should be based on what we believe is the TRUTH. And by that, I don’t necessarily mean like “oh well I don’t think it’s part of the truth that we should wear hijab” or whatever, no I mean the very base of the faith, the “theology”, and the view on God.
(And honestly, from what I’ve learned so far, I haven’t come across another religion which such a ‘pure’ view of God as Islam has – and I’m sure so many reverts can vouch for that too, especially former Christians, who chose to become Muslims for that reason amongst other things)

And the thing about that “they go to heaven anyway” without having to do much – well, at least that is what they claim, it’s not our claim… and I want you to be honest with yourself and think if that really seems fair or logical – I mean, there’s not much in this life that we don’t have to struggle for at all in order to get or achieve, then why should it be any different with religion and an entire afterlife?

So, dear sister, if you don't mind me asking you to try your best not to let your feelings cloud your judgment, because this isn’t just about some guy, this is about your life, your faith, and your afterlife – for all of us it is, and after all, on the Day of Judgment, we will be on our own right. All of us. We won't be able to do anything for eachother then.

Please try to read what the sisters wrote with the understanding that they’ve experienced a lot too and want the best for you, nobody here wants you to be depressed dear sister!!! And I'm really sorry to hear that you've gone through so much and about your depression and health!

Keep in mind that sometimes we have trials in life in order for Allah to test us and our faith, and what we will do.

I do understand though that this is all easier said than done. May Allah guide you to what’s right!

Finally, I’d like to recommend this lecture to anyone who is feeling down for some reason:

Little Auntie November 2, 2011 at 8:29 AM  

Traveling Muslimah- I'm so so so so so sorry. I cannot say how sorry I am. I really can't describe it.

As for the other comments, lots of pearls of wisdom and excellent advice. Jazakun Allah koli khair sisters. You can really feel your support in your comments and love for your sister. I hope Confused Muslimah you understand where we are coming from.

I'm glad that one of the anons cleared up above that we do not believe that Christians are going to heaven. Actually, before reading your comments, Little Miss Auntie set to replying to the sister in the e-mail...inshaAllah I will edit this post and include her reply to that comment.

Hannah,  November 2, 2011 at 12:49 PM  

Concerned Muslimah provided a link to Navaid Aziz's lecture which I highly recommend as well, very inspiring...

PotentialHijabi November 3, 2011 at 6:58 AM  

Dear confused sister,
Assalamualikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahi

I want you to just do a few things,

Firstly, read this article by sister Yasmin Mogahed..
The lines in red are something you really need to ponder over!!

Secondly, rightly agreed with sister hannah, that video is a MUST watch! I remember watching that video and crying to myself when once I was in a situation similar to yours!

Thirdly, and a MUST again, download this version of Ar-rahman,
put it in your cell/ipod and listen to it whenever you are alone or confused or depressed! Just close your eyes and open your heart to it! Insha'allah it will help you feel better!
Sister, you said God cannot talk to you right, but have you even tried talking to him, and even if you convert to christianity will you then be able to talk to God and get your problems solved? No. It's just going to increase your pain. Sister you are running behind the wrong thing here. You are searching for happiness and perfection in midst of an imperfect world whereas you should be searching for peace here, only that will bring ease to your life. If we could find everything perfect in this world why would we need paradise right? .. So, remember Allah, listen to tht surah to begin with and go ahead to atleast download and listen to quran, and having said that "Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!"(13:28) Remember sister, "if you want to talk to Allah pray Salah and if you want Allah to talk to you read Quran!!"

Fourthly, today you are young, so all you can think of is this guy who is taking care of you right now. But can you really guarantee yourself that he will be there "forever" to take care of you? Noone stays forever sister, we all have to return ALONE to our graves, you really think that you will be able to handle that alone without god's help? Turn to Allah he's not faraway! Turn to him! Atleast give it a try?
Do this, Like travelling muslimah suggested just take a mat sit there, lift your hands up and let it out, tell him everything, tell him how you feel away from him.. ask him to show you the way..! All of us here can only give you advice but its only you who with the help of ALLAH can change your situation!“Truly, God does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)

Fifthly, gain more knowledge about islam. Like lil auntie suggested learn learn and learn more about Islam. Be with righteous people.if you are on fb join as many islamic pages as possible, so when you login you get a chance to read them.

Lastly, "Allah does not burden a soul beyond that which it can bear!" (2:286) So trust me, everything will be fine, you just have to take the decision to make things right for yourself! The choice is yours!

Remember, "Verily with hardship comes ease"(94:6)

Our duas are with you.. May Allah guide you to the right path and may he free you from being a slave to this dunya!Ameen.

Other recommended readings: (This sister writes some lovely articles, Masha'allah)

PotentialHijabi November 3, 2011 at 7:00 AM  

@Traveling Muslimah.. Your experience made me cry.. May Allah(SWT) grant you best in this world and the hereafter!
Remember, ”A calamity that makes you ‘turn’ to Allah is better for you than a blessing which makes you ‘forget’ the remembrance of Allah.” [Ibn Taymiyyah]
Alhumdulillah for everything!!

PotentialHijabi November 3, 2011 at 7:08 AM  

@confused Muslimah
oh and read this too..
well.. Islam is not hard sister.. It's just your perspective of looking at things that counts..! :)

Aziza November 6, 2011 at 8:34 PM  

It truly amazes me how all of my dear sisters have united to help our sister in need, MashAllah. :') May Allah reward you all and keep us all on the straight path.

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
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