The heartache...

Assalamualaykum dear sis,
one year aga, a brother and i agreed to get married in the future..however last week he decided to call it off since his parents object the idea of inter-culture marriage...and this is very difficult for me...alhamdulilah ala kuli hal..i want to move on but part of me was afraid of changes and still have hope that it will happen in the long future...it feels that i cudnt make any decision...

i ask Allah to turn my heart away, but why the hope is still there..i dont want the things that Allah has never written for me..I just want Allah to be please with me....

what should i do?

Please make doa for me

jazakallah khayran...

miss confuse

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,

Dearest Miss Confused,

I was heartbroken when I received your e-mail. I can imagine how excited you were about 'your marriage'.....One whole year! I can imagine that you were already preparing your life for marriage, imaging your family together, planning even maybe your children's names.

So, I was definitely very sad for you when I received the e-mail.  I was disappointed to read that the issue of 'interracial' marriage and his parent's agreement hadn't come up before.

But now, habibti, as harsh as this sounds (and I know it's a bitter pill to swallow), is the part that has to do with you.
You have to understand that you went about it the wrong way. As soon as this brother came to you, you should have given him your wali's number/e-mail. There's no such thing as you and him promising each other to get married....Your agreement should have been openly made and it should have involved your parents right from the beginning.

You would have been spared all this heart ache....You would have not wasted a year of your life on a broken promise. Your heart and mind would be open to other people...

I know that it hurts to read that, but I had to tell you that (and the sisters reading this)so that the next time someone comes to you, you know how to react and the lesson that you have to take away from this experience.

That said, let me offer you a hug!

As for what you're going to do now, you're going to have to give yourself some time.You can’t be expected to get over all your feelings at once…..you spent a long time, envisioning a future with him. It will definitely take time to get over him…

1. You need to decide that you can/ will get over him. It's natural to 'hope' that you will get back together, but you just have to remind yourself of the facts of the situation.
A: He has told you clearly that his parents will not agree to the marriage
B. He's called it off.
C. (It sounds like he never talked to your parents in the first place)/

That means, it's time to accept the present and hope for a different future. 


2. Get rid of anything that reminds you of him so that you don’t open the wounds all over again..

Get rid of his e-mail/ telephone number/ presents/ etc. Delete any of his old e-mails, messages, anything that you have of him.

Put it away all in a box and tell it goodbye. Bury that box/ throw it in the garbage/ etc.

3. Write down what you really liked about him. What are the qualities that you were attracted to? Once you've written them down in a list form (e.g. prays 5 times, nice to his mother, has a sense of humor, is gentle), sit down and examine them. Are these only his qualities?

No, they're not.

These are QUALITIES and they are not owned by him/ found only in him. You will find those qualities again in a different person. A better person. Someone meant only for you, inshaAllah.

4. Don't be too alone during this time. Keep yourself occupied so that you don't have time to let your mind wander to thoughts of him. Volunteer somewhere, help the poor people during this 'cold winter time', read new books....Start doing the things you kept delaying and wanted to do. Join a halaqah! Seek knowledge.

5. What else? Write down your own wonderful qualities. What do you like about yourself? What can you bring to a marriage? The reason why I say this is because all too often when you are 'left' by someone, it's easy start to blame yourself and wonder if you are are unworthy/bad in some way. You are not 'bad'. You just have a different future, a different person in store for you.

6. Make Dua. Make dua that Allah grants you someone better, inshaAllah. I know that you told me to make dua for you, but the most important thing is for YOU to make dua for yourself.


May Allah make things easier for you.

Sisters reading this...if any of you have also 'promised' a brother to marry him, take this warning seriously. I know how easily we can dismiss other people's stories..."That would never happen to me. He's different. I'm different...' but why take the chance? Islamically it has been made very clear that a girl's wali must be involved; this is for YOUR OWN protection and happiness. WALLAHI, sisters, there is no reason for me to say this except that I love each and every one of you and do not want anyone to taste the sadness that this sister must be going through.