Lowering that Gaze

>> Thursday, December 1, 2011

"Asalamu alaikum,
Jazakum Allah khair for your awesome blog. It's something I turn to all the time for help and advice.
I have a major problem though. Something has been bothering me for about a year and a half. I'm 14, nearly 15, but I'm desperate like mad to get married. Mostly because I have a major crush issue. I'll see a boy and straight away think, 'wow, that is the guy I want.' My first crush was last year, and since then , I've had nearly 8 big crushes, including two Muslims. How do I deal with these crushes? There really stressing me out. The other point is, I have this weird attachment to guys, they seem to understand me more. These two things make me think more and more, 'I want a husband'. But the way things are going so far, I'm not getting a picture that I'll be able to get married young (meaning 16-18), which is what I want to do badly. And it's really upsetting me. What do I do with myself? I'm stuck and I haven't spoken to anyone, I'm too scared they'll laugh at a 14 year old who wants a husband ASAP, mostly because most my friends are in their twenties, and can be really immature.
Thank you sooooooo much!!! xox"

Dear MsDesperateForMarriage

I want to start of by saying MA SHA ALLAH! By ALLAH I am happy to see young sisters caring enough about the Deen to make their daily decisions based on Islamic ruling. 

Alhamdulillah. May Allah bless you for your efforts sis! Ameen.

Do not be scared to ask questions on here sister. We are here to help you, and will never judge, or point our finger and laugh.

Next, I'd like to say, THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL! Allah has made us, so that we are attracted to the opposite sex. It has happened to me, and I'm sure every sister on here as well.
We're attracted to guys (especially cute ones), and it's something natural! How we "handle" our feelings per say, is a different story.

Lowering my gaze

"Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do."
The Noble Qur'an 24:30

Yes, I know it's the thing, most Muslims struggle with. Not only the brothers, but the sisters as well!

It is quite difficult subhan'Allah, but also possible.

First, you have to make a conscious effort to remember this rule. You can do this by putting up the above verse on your laptop, or in some place that you will see it often, inshaAllah. Start your day by looking at these verses :)
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things)”

Remember, this verse is talking to YOU. You're a believer. It's a message for you from Allah.

Second, you just have to try your best to stay out of situations, where there is mass crowding and you are amongst many males.
I assume you are in school,sis. School has such a high amount of Fitnah subhanALLAH. People kissing here, hugging there, FREE-MIXING CENTRAL, as I like to call it, thus making it hard for one to lower their gaze.

You could ask your mom to homeschool you, or at least put you in a female only school, this will help a load. Be honest with your parents. Tell them that you're finding it hard to practice Islam correctly with so much fitna. Check out if there are any Islamic schools that are available and affordable near you.

If that is not possible just use your strongest weapon; Du'a! Allah knows you have tried, and are still trying.

If you keep your intentions pure, and do what you can with the power you have in sha ALLAH you will be rewarded.

“Allah will not change what is in any nation, until they all collectively make a change occur in what is in themselves” [TMQ Ar-Ra'ad: 11].

I also got you some points that will inshaAllah help you to lower your gaze:

1 – Bearing in mind the fact that Allaah is watching you, that He sees you and is with you (by His knowledge) wherever you go. It may be a secretive glance of which your neighbour is unaware, but Allaah knows of it. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Allaah knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the hearts conceal”
[Ghaafir 40:19]

2 – Seeking the help of Allaah, beseeching Him and calling upon Him (du’aa’). Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And your Lord said: Invoke Me  and ask Me[ for anything] I will respond to your (invocation).”
[Ghaafir 40:60]

3 – You should know that every blessing you enjoy comes from Allaah, and requires that you should give thanks. Part of the gratitude for the blessing of sight means that you should protect it from looking at that which Allaah has forbidden. Is there any reward for good, other than good? [cf. al-Rahmaan 55:60] Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And whatever of blessings and good things you have, it is from Allaah”
[al-Nahl 16:53]

4 – Striving with your self and training yourself to lower your gaze and be patient in doing so, and not giving up. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning:
“As for those who strive hard in Us (Our Cause), We will surely guide them to Our paths (i.e. Allaah’s religion — Islamic Monotheism)”
[al-‘Ankaboot 29:69]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever seeks to be chaste, Allaah will make him chaste, and whoever seeks to be independent of means, Allaah will make him independent of means, and whoever strives to be patient, Allaah will make him patient…” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1400)

5 – Avoiding places where a person feels he will be exposed to the temptation of looking, if he can manage to avoid them, such as going to marketplaces or malls, and sitting in the street.
 The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of sitting in the street.” They said, “We have no alternative; that is where we sit and talk.” He said, “If you insist on sitting there, then give the street its rights.” They said, “What are the rights of the street?” He said, “Lowering the gaze and refraining from causing offence…” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2333; Muslim, 2121).

6 – You should realize that you have no choice in this matter, regardless of what the circumstances are and no matter how great the temptation or motive to do evil, and no matter what emotions and overwhelming desires stir in your heart. You must lower your gaze and refrain from looking at haraam things in all places and at all times. You cannot use excuses such as the environment being corrupt or justify your mistakes by saying that there is a lot of temptation around. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“It is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allaah and His Messenger have decreed a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed into a plain error”
[al-Ahzaab 33:36]

7 – Doing a lot of naafil acts of worship, because doing a lot of them whilst also regularly doing obligatory acts of worship is a means of protecting one's physical faculties.
According to a hadeeth qudsi, Allaah said: “… and My slave continues to draw close to Me with supererogatory (naafil) works so that I shall love him. And when I love him, I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask (something) of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it.” (al-Bukhaari, 6137

8 – Remembering that the earth on which sin is committed will bear witness. Allaah says:
“That Day it will declare its information (about all that happened over it of good or evil)”
[al-Zalzalah 99:4]

9 – Remembering the angels who are recording your deeds. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“But verily, over you (are appointed angels in charge of mankind) to watch you,
Kiraaman (Honourable) Kaatibeen —writing down (your deeds),
They know all that you do”
[al-Infitaar 82:10-12]

11 – Avoiding looking unnecessarily, so that you only look at what you need to look at, and you do not let your gaze wander right and left so that it falls upon something the effects and fitnah of which cannot be got rid of quickly.

12 – Marriage, which is one of the most effective remedies. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and in guarding one’s chastity. And whoever cannot afford it, let him fast, for it will be a shield for him.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1806; Muslim, 1400).

13 – Fasting – because of the hadeeth quoted above.

14 – Doing obligatory acts of worship as Allaah has commanded, such as prayer. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Verily, As‑Salaah (the prayer) prevents from Al‑Fahshaa’ (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse) and Al‑Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed)”
[al-‘Ankaboot 29:45]

16 – Bearing in mind the shortcomings of the one who is looked at and the filth and waste material they carry in their gut.

17 – Being ambitious and focusing on nobler things.

18 – Checking on yourself from time to time and striving to make yourself lower your gaze whilst realizing that everyone makes mistakes.

19 – Thinking of the pain and regret that will result from this looking, and the effects of letting one’s gaze wander.

20 – Understanding the benefits of lowering one's gaze, as mentioned above.

21 – Bringing up this topic in meetings and gatherings, and explaining its dangers.

22 – Advising your relatives, telling them not to wear clothes that attract attention and show their attractions, such as how they dress, wearing bright colours, how they walk, speaking too softly, etc.

23 – Warding off passing thoughts and whispers from the Shaytaan before they take hold and are acted upon. Whoever lowers his gaze after the first glance will be saved from innumerable problems, but if he keeps looking he cannot be certain that seeds that will be difficult to remove will not be planted in his heart.

25 – Being afraid of a bad end, and of feeling regret at the point of death.

26 – Keeping company with good people, because you are naturally affected by the characteristics of the people you mix with, and a person will follow the way of his close friend, and a friend will pull you to follow his way.

27 – Knowing that the zina of the eye is looking, and that should be sufficient to put you off.

(Adapted from an essay entitled Ghadd al-Basr (Lowering the Gaze) by a student of sharee’ah.)

Not all of these may apply to you, but in sha ALLAH, many of them will be of benefit. I have used this myself deem it very beneficial.

Okay, what about the part of having guy friends. 

 Sister, the Prophet said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third."
Hadith - Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi 3118, Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab , Tirmidhi transmitted it.

This tells us that when a man and a woman are alone in a room/secluded area, they are not really alone. Shaytaan is ALWAYS there!

I'm sorry to pop the bubbles of sisters whom think that "Boys and girls can be friends, we're not dating or anything. JUST FRIENDS!"
By Allah I tell you this doesn't work. Something always happens, ALWAYS. Be it that you start to develop feelings for one another, or that you even take it to the stop of committing Zina! Authubillah.

I am in no way saying, that you have impure intentions. No,no,no. Something that can start with the purest of intentions, can easily turn into evil by the tricks which Shaytaan can play on you. Here is the popular story of Barseesa (read the link)

The point of the story is, you might think at the beginning that what you are doing is fine and that you can keep check on your emotions and everything, but you don’t know where this will lead to. Shaitan didn’t come to Barseesa directly and tell him to commit zina or murder, rather he took the softly-softly approach, and Barseesa fell for it. This is why islam doesn’t only forbid acts of indecency but it also forbids actions leading to it!

When Allah has said that shaytan is an avowed enemy to you and we dont understand all his little ways that he uses to trap us, why open the door for him…

SUBHANALLAH! Even, this very pious man, was tricked by Shaytaan!

"The other point is, I have this weird attachment to guys, they seem to understand me more."

 Look around for those sisters that that are interested in the same things as you. Look for Sisters on the Deen so that you may benefit from them in sha Allah.
 IF the girls around you don't want to talk about politics/sports or whatever it is that the guys around you talk about, talk to your brother, father, uncles about it.

 But other than that, it is of no benefit to you to have guy friends, and will actually make this situation harder for you.

Let's face it. You guys will become friends, and maybe then more than friends.... and later start to get either a sexual attraction, or some sort of attachment towards them.

It will bring ONLY pain, and will lead you away from Allah (SWT) and may even cause you to stray from the path. Authubillah.

If you can't find sisters, try looking online. ( Although you must be careful )
You have me, and all the sisters on here. I can say for myself, I love meeting new sisters, and it brings joy to me to speak with them.

At this point you may be wondering, " Oh My Allah, she expects me to stop talking to ALL MY FRIENDS! How will I tell them?! What are people going to think about this, I'll be SO EMBARRASSED!"

How did I know this? I have been through the exact same thing myself. I've had male friends in the past, whom I've had to let go. Some fairly religious, some not religious, and some Non-Muslims as well. I told them all the same thing "I value our friend ship, yada yada yada, but my religion is WAY more important to me."

You explain to them why and what prohibits you from speaking with them, and if they're curious enough give them some links. It will be a little bonus Daw'ah as well In shaa Allah ;)

It is easier said than done yes, but it is a step you have to take. Not because I am telling you, but for the Sake of ALLAH.
I only advise you, because I love you for the sake of ALLAH and I want the best for you, just as I'd want the best for myself ;

What about getting married young?

Marriage at an early age is encouraged in Islaam.

Allah's Apostle said, "O Young people! Whoever among you can marry , should marry , because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. hisprivate parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry , should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."
(Book #62 , Hadith #4 )

Remind yourself that marriage is a big big responsibility, and it comes with a lot of work. Indeed the best way to stay away from Zina' is Nikkah, but at this point we both know it is not an option unfortunately. The law won't allow it, and most likely nor will your parents.

But, once you're 16 or so,  you can broach the topic with your parents. If they feel that school/studies should be your main priority then show them this video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYGWrdCRlsI and speak to them about in in sha ALLAH. Explain to them how hard it is to abstain from Zina' and Haraam in the west ( Where I suppose you live ) and that you want to what benefits your Deen the most.

Don't, and I repeat, don't, start 'looking for marriage partners', yourself,  and end up speaking with a brother via fb/msn and stray from the path. Authubillah. It is extremely common subhanALLAH, and we need to be aware of this sisters. This infamous marriage craziness is driving all of our sisters mad hehe! (Too much romance movies I think)

Some easy steps to refrain from that (Haraam Relationship) would be ;

1) Keep your Facebook to females and Mehram men only.
2) If a brother/male messages you on Facebook, do not reply, unless necessary.
3) DO NOT FALL FOR SWEET TALK! If he's pious, he would not be harassing sisters on Facebook. Le common sense.
4) Fast, and make Du'a to ALLAH for strength and guidance.

In conclusion; In sha ALLAH, if you are so serious about Nikkah, then speak to your family. (mother,father,sister,etc) Let them know your intentions, so at least they are aware.

I hope that this is of some benefit to you, and that you remember me in your Du'as.
I am willing to personally discuss this with you in sha Allah.
May ALLAH Ta'ala ease your situation, give you strength, and when the time is write, grant you a pious husband. Ameen Ya Rab.

15 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Anonymous,  December 3, 2011 at 3:51 AM  

Amazing reply, jazakAllah khair!

Fida Islaih December 4, 2011 at 3:53 AM  

I''m in a different situation, but this helps! Thanks for the post! (:

Anonymous,  December 4, 2011 at 12:38 PM  

Assalamu alaikum,

I have had this problem and I came across a Dua that really helped me. I'm also having an easier time with saying the truth, and other things.

Here is the Dua that I use:

"O Allah! Purify our souls from hypocrisy, our tongues from lying and our eyes from treachery. You know the treacherous eyes and what is buried in the hearts."

This is from a small Dua book called "Selected Invocations" compiled by Muhammad bin Abdul-Aziz Al-Musnad.

RevertMuslimah December 4, 2011 at 5:46 PM  

Wa 3laikum assalam wa ra7matullahi wa barakatuh sisters!

In sha ALLAH at least one of you benefited from this answer. May ALLAH Ta'ala protect all my sweet sisters from Shaytaan and his tricks, and keep you away from Zina' and any other evil. Ameen <3

love you all fesabilillah! ;D

Anonymous,  December 5, 2011 at 4:00 AM  

Alhamdulillah this helps! JazakAllah!:)
Also Revert Muslimah, after reading your interview, I wanted to ask you how you chose Khadeeja as your name. Alhamdulillah its one of my most favorite names! :)

ProudBritishHijabi,  December 5, 2011 at 1:11 PM  

Asalamu alaikum,

Jazakillah khair for the reply sister, I'm really grateful. What do you do if a guy is trying to get your attention though... and you kinda seem to like him too.

RevertMuslimah December 5, 2011 at 8:44 PM  

@Anon; Mhmm, I just chose it! I really liked the sound and thought it suited me, and of course Khadeejah(RA) was a very inspirational person, and greatly loved by The Prophet Muhammed (SAW) :D

PBH: Wa 3laikum assalam wa ra7matullahi wa barakatuhu sister! Mhmm, that's quite an interesting question, and I'm sure many would relate to it.

Well! To start off when we think of partners we think of marriage (AT LEAST I HOPE SO!) and would we REALLY want to marry a person who doesn't respect girls, tries to get their attention and be all "flirtyflirtyIwannabeyourboo'babygirlnolongting"
If the answer isn't NO, then you need help further than what I can give! ( I am only kidding girls, but seriously, the answer should be no)

In sha Allah we should want someone who is true to thDeen. Someone pious, who will help us better ourselves, etc etc. Imagine how many other girls this person has tried to get the attention of. It should put you off completely knowing that this boy/man has no respect for a Muslim sister, and that he is trying to get her attention like he's Shahrukh Khan off of some cheap bollywood movie!

NOW, if the situation is that you have spoken, or shown some sort of "fondness' towards each other, then it's a little different. Not correct, per say, but it's a different situation. The only way that this will ever be halaal is through Marriage.

SO, if you're not put off by the cheap pickup lines,attention grabbing hair-whips or beard massage with the eyebrows raising in the "how you doin'" way, then seek marriage with this person, before something like ZINA' happens.

P.S. If this person tries to touch you, after you're done beating them with your shoe, remind them ;

It was narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yassaar said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for him than that he should touch a woman who is not permissible for him.”

RevertMuslimah December 5, 2011 at 8:51 PM  

Oh no, it seems I have said a whole bunch of random, nonsensical things but have not truly answered your question.

Ways to ignore this person, even if "attraction" is mutual.

1) Lower your gaze.
If you lower your gaze, you are less likely to make eye contact with the person.

2) Ignore them! Try to avoid them as much as possible,and if they come up to you, just walk away. If you hear them trying to say something to you, just keep walking and distract yourself. Saying "Auzubillahi Mina'shaytan-nir Rajeem" seems to work for me Alhamdulillah.

3) If the problem persists, then I suggest you tell someone to tell them or do it directly to : LEAVE YOU ALONE!

[ I suggest you in sha Allah be careful, and do not let him sweet talk you. It will only lead to things evil! If you are desperate/in need/ want to marry, then there are other means. So many other ways. Indeed it is hard for youth in the west to find a suitable partner and to marry, but it does not mean that we go and do HARAAM things to stay away from HARAAM. Does that make sense? NO, no it doesn't!]

InshaAllah I hope you managed to understand something of what I've said. I apologize for it, as it's not too well written/explained but hopefully it will help a little!

Aunties/Sisters feel free to add any comments/suggestions on this topic!


Musaafirah December 6, 2011 at 9:21 AM  

Assalamu Alaikum warahmatullahi t3ala wabarakatuhu My favorite aunties!
I didnt know where to post this, and didnt want to ruin the blessed game, and the comment section on awards isnt working, hence:

I have an award waiting for you at my blog!
Loads of luv from Musafirah!

Little Auntie December 7, 2011 at 12:26 PM  

Yeah, I think it's really important for us to remember that we were CREATED to be naturally mutually attracted to each other. Mutual attraction is a test of one's faith and commitment.
Always remind yourself that if you are not ready to do the the halal thing (getting the parents involved/ nikah/etc.), then there is NO point in the relationship....no matter how much you both are interested in each other.

Khadeeja, you cracked me up :P

seekingpatience,  December 8, 2011 at 8:42 AM  

Khadeeja. Lol. I loved your response even more. Spontaneous suits you. And the Bollywood analogy, makes me think if you're desi :)

Yes, It's not "adorable" to stare admiringly at a non mahram man. lowering your gaze really helps, alhamdulilah. It makes it so much easier, alhamdulilah. It really is the cure and you feel stronger and it's not as much of a fitnah.

Making Dua to AllahSWT for your protection against the evil. SubhanAllah it's scary how many people have fallen into that mess and they did not all start with bad intention.

Instead make dua, that AllahSWT give you a righteous husband for whom you will be a righteous wife, inshAllah, when you're ready.
That always makes me feel better, alhamdulilah! It's like: no, I don't need this cheap relationship, inshAllah, I will get much better the halaal way.

revert2004,  January 12, 2012 at 3:05 AM  

Salaam sisters,

MashaAllah little auntie has given perfect advice.

you start to like a guy you start thinking about him all the time and imgine being married and living a happy life forever.

But then either the guy ignores you, likes someone else, or else he takes advantages of your feelings. The advantages that you never thought you'd be giving.

At the end you are left alone and broken hearted. So it is really important to stay away as much as you can from such temptations.

Geeting married would be great but if it is not possible, then i think it would be better as you are that young to focuse on learning the Quran especially the Tafsir you wont believe me until you try it, that when you read the tafseer it is as if Allah (swt) is guiding your way , He is personally advising you what to do.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you sister

Ws Salaam

Anonymous,  May 30, 2012 at 5:27 AM  

I think that was a great advice

Seeker of Guidance March 1, 2014 at 8:26 AM  

Great response :) jazakumullah khair.

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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